These days it’s all about the three R’s — reduce, reuse, and recycle. And while we know the Flyer makes for some great reading, we realize that we’re killing a lot of trees to print 55,000 copies every week. Sure, you can always toss them in the recycling bin, but why do that when the Flyer‘s got so many other uses? So, we’ve compiled a list.
1. Pasties — After the Janet/Justin boob fiasco, we’re sure every girl is clamoring to purchase her very own set of pasties, just in case of a wardrobe malfunction. Nice shiny ones like Janet’s can cost an arm and a leg, so why not cut out and glue on little photos from the Flyer? They actually look quite stylish, and the little heads of band members in After Dark are the perfect size.
2. Shoe Odor Remover — Embarrassing though it may be, we all have stinky feet sometime. Sure, there are plenty of options out there — sprays, powders, etc. — but did you know that newspaper absorbs odor? No kidding. Crumple several pages of the Flyer and stuff into shoes overnight.
3. Refrigerator Odor Removal — When we say newspaper removes odors, we’re talking any odors — even that rotten smell lingering in your fridge after you left that half-eaten tunafish sandwich in there for a month. Crumple the Flyer‘s pages into small balls and sprinkle a little water on each ball. Leave them in the fridge for five or six days.
4. Target Practice — Pissed off about that MLGW rate raise that’s making your bill skyrocket or upset with King Willie’s holier-than-thou attitude? Release your anger by cutting out the faces of those city and county officials who really make your fur fly and use them for target practice.
5. Stage Dirt — If you’re thinking about putting on your own production of Les Misérables but don’t want to shell out the cash for the stage makeup needed to make your Jean Valjean look like a scruffy old scalawag, never fear. Just take a page from the Flyer and rub the ink all over your body.
6. Insulation — Old homes can be especially drafty in the winter months, so fold up the Flyer‘s pages and shove them into the cracks under doors and windows to keep the cold air out.
7. Decoupage — Take your favorite pics and words from the Flyer and glue them on everything from picture frames to lampshades. Then coat with a layer of Elmer’s glue. (It dries clear.)
8. Fingerprinting — After they read this, those cops at 201 Poplar will never have to purchase ink for fingerprinting again. Just rub a culprit’s finger on an especially ink-filled page, press it on the rap sheet, and voilá.
9. Garden Mulch — Who knew that the Flyer had a green thumb? Newspaper makes excellent garden mulch. Just spread pages around the base of plants and cover with water. You’ll be growing fresh veggies and lovely lilies in no time.
10. Stress Relief — Sure, you can buy stress-relieving squeeze balls anywhere these days. But why buy one when you can use our paper for free? Just tear out individual pages and lay them flat. Grab from the center and fist it into a ball. Doing this repeatedly not only relieves stress but builds hand strength. No shit.
11. Play the “How Many Times Does Tim Sampson Mention Dr. Gott?” Game — If you let Flyers pile up on your bedroom floor, this game is for you. You and your lover look through We Recommend columns to see how many times Tim mentions Dr. Gott and rectal irregularities. Whoever finds the most gets to play doctor.
12. Make Fairy Wings — For a quick Halloween costume, unfold two Flyer pages, cut them into two large wings, and attach to your body with string. Ta-da, you’re a well-read little pixie.
13. Make Your Own Magnetic Poetry — You know those little overpriced magnetic poetry sets that you find at chain bookstores? Well, save your cash and make your own. Take small words in the Flyer and glue them onto a sheet magnet. When they dry, cut them out and write masterful poetry on your fridge.
14. Count Our Mistakes — We know we’re good. Damn good. But every great once in a while, we screw up and misspell a word or use a (gasp!) misplaced modifier. Sometime we even make bigger mistakes (see 15 Biggest Oops, page 32). So get out your reading glasses and start counting.
15. Toilet Paper — You knew we couldn’t resist this one, right? When you gotta stop on the highway because there’s no rest stop for miles, it’s handy to have a stack of Flyers in the trunk. It may not be Charmin, but it’ll do the job.
So there you have it, folks — a few things to do with the Flyer. Of course, we hope you’ll take the time to actually read it first. After all, we don’t spend all week working on this thing just so you can wipe your ass with it.
