A few months ago I met Toby online. Sure, it was through a personal ad and I’d never done that sort of thing before, but we started “chatting” regularly and really seemed to connect with each other. After a few chat sessions things started heating up and pretty soon we were having virtual sex (you know like phone sex, but with a keyboard instead of a receiver). I have never met anyone that turned me on like he could just using words.
After several months of this, I began pressuring him to meet me in person. The problem is, he lives in Cincinnati and I live in Memphis — not a huge distance, but definitely a long-distance relationship. So I volunteered to drive up there to meet him, but he still seemed hesitant. Eventually he agreed and gave me the name of a restaurant where we could meet. When I got to the restaurant I looked around for half an hour before I found him. I had a hard time recognizing him from the picture he sent because he never told
me that “he” was actually a she; a masculine she, but a she nonetheless.
I feel very betrayed by Toby. I feel like he/she should have told me from the start that he was a girl, but in all honesty I never would have considered a relationship with a woman if he/she had. I mean, I’m totally heterosexual! But, I can’t forget or deny the feelings that I developed for Toby when I thought she was a he. What do I do?
Signed,
Torn
Okay:
It would be incredibly easy for me to say: “Toby lied to you, you cannot trust someone who lies to you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or a boy, you shouldn’t be with someone you can’t trust. End of story.” It would be easy for me to say that, and it’s my gut reaction, but I’m not going to. Instead I’m going to say this: I think you should give Toby a chance.
Now I understand you’re strictly dickly, Torn. I get it, believe me. What I’m sitting here wondering is why you went online for a little loving and what you were looking for when you did so (friendship, dating, long term relationship, play?). I think I know why Toby did. Because the beauty of meeting someone on the Internet is not having to worry about appearances. If you’re ugly (we can’t all be Gwyneth), it doesn’t matter, you can use that killer personality that no one ever gives you a chance to use. If you’re shy, you can hide behind your screen. If you’re a girl who wants to be a boy, no one has to be any the wiser. Until the person you met online is totally into you and wants to meet in a Cincinnati Applebee’s. And then what are you going to do?
Here’s my guess: Toby knew she wasn’t really what you had in mind. So she tries to put you off and not meet, hoping you can continue your relationship. But you’re persistent and that’s no good, so she hopes for the best (that you’ll see beyond her physical appearance) and goes to the restaurant.
As for you, you meet this person who you really like who just happens to be a girl. That’s the breaks. She’s a girl. But she’s also still the person you really connected with as well. Now I do think that Toby should have mentioned that he didn’t have a penis (I assume it came up during virtual sex, no pun intended), but I think you have to deal. I’m not saying you have to change your entire lifestyle and get the free toaster (unless, of course, the toaster is starting to appeal to you and that’s fine, too), I just think you should try to get to know Toby as the woman she really is.
Most people in your situation would have already wiped their feelings clean. The fact that you can’t “forget or deny” yours makes me think they’re even stronger than you let on and it’s what makes me think you should get to know the real Toby. In all honesty, you and Toby probably won’t ever connect on the same level again, but it’s not as if she lives across the street. She lives thousands of miles of underground cable away. What’s the harm in shooting her a friendly e-mail? You might not have been exactly what she expected in that Applebee’s, either.
But next time you looking lonely, remember there are no guarantees on the ‘Net; you’re just lucky Toby was a girl and not a card-carrying serial murderer.
(Gotta problem? Wanna make it my business? Write cashiola@memphisflyer.com.)
Where has this winter gone? Here we are in late January and the sports year is in high gear. OK, enough with the rhyming. Here’s a roundup of some local sports so far this year.
Tiger Basketball:
Keep that shiny record against Cincinnati (still C-USA’s top dog at 18-1, and #5 in the nation according to ESPN/USA TODAY rankings), and Calipari will have all the rankings he needs. Until then, just keep plowing through conference opponents that will test the real abilities of phenom-frosh Dajuan Wagner and his 21.3 ppg. Luckily for Calipari and company, Senior Kelly Wise has returned to form in a big way with 12.7 ppg and 11.7 rpg.
But whatever happened to the supposed domination of big men Chris Massie or Earl Barron? This team still has the talent to go deep in the NCCA’s come March, but only if that talent comes to the fore.
Tigers’ Women’s Basketball:
At 7-10, 2-3 the Lady Tigers are still struggling for respect in C-USA and aren’t helping their cause with recent losses to both Marquette and DePaul. The Tigers started the year strong, until that 92-66 loss to the Tennessee Lady Vols at the Pyramid last December.
Since then, the team is only 2-4. Yet Conference play is still young and the Tigers could make a run at an NCAA bid through the league tourney. On the upside for Lady Tiger sports, the dance team just placed second in the nation. You go, girls.
Grizzlies Basketball: Oh, what to say about these guys? I watch most all their games and I still don’t know what to think from week to week.
Here’s the deal: If the Grizzlies lose more players, coach Sidney Lowe will probably reactivate himself and suit up to play. With the recent injuries of forward Shane Battier and the migraine headaches of guard Jason Williams, the Grizzlies can barely field a team, much less be competitive. And yet they are. The Sacramento game the other night should have been a blow-out at Sacramento, and yet the Grizzlies made the game interesting for three quarters, despite having a line-up that consisted to no players who were starters at the beginning of the season.
And to be even more positive, rookie Pau Gasol is still on the mark for rookie-of-the-year honors, unless Battier beats him to it. There is a very real chance that Memphis could host co-rookies of the year in an unprecedented turn of events. Both forwards will be playing in the All-Star rookie game, and fellow forward Stromile Swift will be playing against the two on the sophomore squad.
Also, consistent rumors persist that center Lorenzen Wright could be back even as soon as the All-Star break. Things aren’t necessarily rosy in the land of the Grizz, but they could definitely be worse for this inaugural season in Memphis.
RiverKings Hockey The Kings are still number one in the CHL’s Northeast division with a league-best record of 27-9-2 over the season. Recently, defensivemen Luch Nasato and Don Martin were named to the Northern Division’s All-Star roster, with coach Doug Seddon tapped to coach the All-Star squad (his fifth straight appearance).
The Kings already have goalie Sebastian Centomo and wingman Don Parsons on the squad. That gives the Kings the best representation of any team in the league for the All-Star match-up, which will be on February 1st in Corpus Christi. Parsons is a league-leader in total points with 27 goals and 21 assists (for 48 points), and Centomo is one of the league’s top goalies with a 16-1 record and a 2.09 goals-against average. Bottom line, the season is up to the Kings, who seem on the brink of bringing home a CHL championship for Memphis and DeSoto county.
ODDS & ENDS
NOTABLE:
There are currently only two teams in the NBA that have seven players averaging double-digit scoring: the Sacramento Kings and the Memphis Grizzlies.
Guard Willie Solomon’s four-point play against the Orlando Magic was only the fourth in team history.
The Memphis Grizzlies’ game against the Sacramento Kings was the 500th in team history. The franchise’s all-time record at that point: 113-387.
It’s not so great to host the NBA All-Star game. Apparently, the league co-opted 18,000 of the 20,000 seats at Philadelphia’s First Union Center for corporate big wigs. That officially turns the All-Star game into a business convention.
QUOTABLE:
‘You’ve heard me say this all year long. You’ve got to have shooters. You’ve got to have guys who can shoot the basketball if you are going to win in this league. If you have shooters, you always give yourself a chance to win the ballgame.” Grizzlies coach Sidney Lowe after his team shot 43% against the Orlando Magic’s 51.7%.
“It was a breather.” Orlando Magic head coach Doc Rivers on his team’s 119-103 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies.
“We kind of worked our way back into it, but the hole was too deep.” Grizzlies guard Brevin Knight on his team’s comeback attempt against the Magic.
“We knew we were short-handed, but that’s the NBA. It happens to all teams, which means guys have to step up. But we didn’t.” Grizzlies guard Rodney Buford on his team’s undermanned effort against the Sacramento Kings.
“The 12-game win streak is nice, but we are not satisfied with it. We are not sitting here Lakers-watching.” Sacramento forward Chris Webber on his team’s recent success.
How’re you gonna keep ’em down on the farm? In the case of Shelby County Mayor Jim Rout, who was allegedly retiring from politics after the current term to devote time to family and private pursuits (including, yes, a farm), you may not be able to.
Rout, who considered running for governor this year before opting out of both a gubernatorial race and a race for reelection as mayor, went barnstorming Thursday in a statewide fly-around on behalf of former State Representative Jim Henry of Kingston, who seeks the Republican nomination for governor.
The Shelby County mayor and son Rick Rout, who is Henry’s Shelby County field rep, accompanied the candidate all the way from the Tri-Cities in northeast Tennessee to the one-day tour’s final stop in Memphis late Thursday afternoon.
“I knew I’d be working for a gubernatorial candidate named Jim. I just thought it would be a different Jim,” cracked Rick Rout as he presided over the occasion at Memphis in the Signature Air terminal at the airport. (Besides his father, two other Tennessee dignitaries — former Mayor Gene Roberts of Chattanooga and Mayor Dave Bradshaw of Oak Ridge accompanied Henry on the plane tour.)
After being introduced by Rout Sr., Henry responded angrily to his third-place position in a poll released by presumed GOP frontrunner Van Hilleary, calling the poll “bogus” and pronouncing Hilleary unelectable.
The poll, carried out under Hilleary auspices, showed the 4th District congressman running first among Republicans, little-known Bob Tripp second, and Henry third.
Henry challenged the poll’s authenticity and said, “We [Republicans[ don’t need to be involved in something like that.” And he responded with a firm “No!” when asked if Hilleary, who is vacating his 4th District congressional seat to run for governor, could be elected.
“With the kind of trouble the state is in, people are looking for someone with experience in local and state government. They don’t want to take any chances,” said Henry, who cited “the good old days” when he worked with former Governor Lamar Alexander in several capacities, including that of House Republican leader.
Declining to reveal how much money he had raised in his campaign so far, the former state representative and Kingston mayor chided Hilleary for several press releases publicizing the congressman’s purported receipts, saying, “If you make this a money game, we might as well concede the election to Phil Bredesen. (Former Nashville mayor Bredesen, a Democratic candidate for governor, is independently wealthy and has also issued a press release claiming fundraising totals of $3.1 million.)
Henry said the supporters in attendance at the terminal that the election should be about “trust” and that he trusted the people to vote via referendum on whether or not the state should have an income tax.
Henry agreed with Hilleary about one matter, however — that of declining to sign an anti-income tax pledge. “It would be irresponsible for a potential governor to take a position like that, especially if we’re asking the people to vote on it,” said Henry, who said he personally opposed a state income tax.
Martina and friends will join the men in the Kroger St. Jude Tennis tournament next month.
By John Branston
Women tennis pros, ripped by one of the top-ranked men this week, will join the guys for the first time next month at the Kroger St. Jude tournament at the Racquet Club.
Memphis will have the only indoor tournament in the country with top male and female pros competing at the same time. Martina Navratilova is even coming out of retirement to play doubles, and Racquet Club owner Mac Winker says there is a chance that Serena Williams will be in the singles draw.
The men’s draw includes American Andy Roddick and former Kroger St. Jude champions Tommy Haas of Germany and Mark Phillippoussis of Australia. Tennessee’s top amateur, Brian Baker of Nashville, will be trying to make the field as a qualifier, along with tour veteran Michael Chang.
The women’s field includes Wimbledon semifinalist Jelena Dokic of Australia, Amanda Coetzer of South Africa, and American Lisa Raymond as well as Carly Gullickson of Nashville, who won the USTA Girls 18 Super-national Clay Court Championships at the Racquet Club in 2001.
Several of the players who will be coming to Memphis are competing in the Australian Open this week. Marcelo Rios, who is not coming to Memphis this year but has played here in the past, enlivened things off the court by calling women’s tennis “ridiculous” and suggesting that the early tournament rounds are “a joke.”
Needless to say, Winker strongly disagrees. He expects the women to boost week-long attendance from 60,000 to over 70,000. The tournament begins February 15th with women’s qualifying matches and culminates in the women’s final on February 23rd and the men’s final on February 24th. The “Kids Day,” in which local children can mingle with the pros, will be Sunday, February 17th.
The Racquet Club has hosted exhibition matches for women but this is the first pro tournament. There are only five men/women tournaments in the world aside from the four Grand Slams. A combination of luck, good timing, and facilities brought the women to Memphis this year.
Winker says he was looking for a women’s event for a couple years and almost bought a WTA Tour tournament formerly played in Philadelphia. Instead, the women’s Oklahoma City stop became available and he snapped it up. But then he still had to get the ATP Tour for men to agree to a smaller draw.
“This was probably the only place in the country that could react and do it that quickly,” Winker said. “They say you better be careful what you wish for because you might get it. Well, now we’ve got it.”
It helped, he said, that the WTA Tour wanted St. Jude as a global sponsor. In addition to that deal, Winker is working on finding local companies to sponsor the women’s tournament next year.
“We’re going to be doing a lot of wining and dining this year,” he said.
Teacher Lowe
The Grizzlies’ coach is building for the future.
By Chris Przybyszewski
Before the season started the Memphis media got a chance to see Grizzlies’ coach Sidney Lowe in action during pre-draft workouts, when prospective players came to town in pairs to show their stuff. The exhibitions were relentless, tiring affairs of ball drills, shooting exercises, and games of one-on-one.
After one such workout, Lowe rose from his spot on a nearby bench to talk with each player, neither of whom had a chance of ever playing for the Grizzlies. Lowe talked to them about shoulder angles when working a defensive man up the court, how squaring the shoulders helps protect the basketball. I asked him later why he would bother coaching these two, when he would probably never see them again. He replied that the two did a good job and worked hard and would probably be seen by a couple other teams, so maybe his words would help them in future workouts.
In his second season as Grizzlies frontman, Lowe has gained a reputation as a teacher. With the team’s core of young, talented players, Lowe has little choice but to patiently explain, over and again, every fundamental aspect of the game. All the while, his team is getting regularly shellacked and only occasionally coming up with a win.
But the progression of rookie forward Pau Gasol shows that Lowe’s efforts have not been in vain. To be sure, Gasol is terrifically talented, and that talent can get him through some moments when the Spaniard doesn’t seem to know one end of the court from the other. But as the season progresses, Gasol has taken on the load of leading scorer and rebounder and has even become something of a presence as a defender. Gasol is flourishing, and Lowe has been there every step of the way.
Also indicative of Lowe’s prowess as teacher is his on-court acumen. With exceptions (such as the last L.A. Lakers game), the coach has made the right moves in terms of inserting subs or calling a needed time-out. In the Grizzlies’ first win over the Sacramento Kings last November, Lowe called time-out several times early in the game as the Kings tried to put together scoring runs. The result was a poised Memphis squad throughout the first half. In last weekend’s loss to the Orlando Magic, Lowe pulled his entire starting lineup except Gasol and let his bench make the game relatively respectable. Lowe knew that his starters weren’t in the game mentally and he knew that each player would learn the lesson better from the bench.
And Lowe isn’t afraid to call out his players. Forgoing his usual “keep it in the barracks” philosophy, he talked to the media about Stromile Swift’s defensive performance. “I was very disappointed,” he said. “We went out in our zone, a 2-3 zone. And our bottom line, the two wings, are responsible for the corner. Several times, that guy didn’t go out there to the corner. Stro should have been out there a couple of times. That’s inexcusable. We’ve been doing this for months now and you have to know your assignments.”
It was a rare example of public exasperation on Lowe’s part, no doubt due to Swift’s less than swift advancement into a starting-caliber player. The young forward is a mountain of talent but seems at times either unwilling or unable to put together a coherent game. With the team decimated by injuries, Lowe knows he needs Swift and that Swift must respond or be left behind.
But Lowe knows that keeping things on an even keel is important to the young players. Lowe’s response after each game is rarely one of elation or fury but typically is a matter-of-fact listing of the game’s highs and lows. One can assume his locker room demeanor is much the same, given that this Memphis team continues to play well despite losing night after night. Even Monday’s road loss to the Kings was competitive for three quarters.
So Lowe will continue to teach. He’ll talk to his players about shoulder angles and defensive assignments and patiently repeat each lesson. But there’s a problem on the horizon. Lowe’s contract ends after next season and he has received no contract extension. Do team GM Billy Knight and president Dick Versace understand Lowe’s value to this young team? Only time will tell.
Teachers garner little respect in a world of bottom lines and win-loss ratios, but Lowe can only hope that his students put something together before the principals pull the plug on his NBA classroom.
The Score
NOTABLE:
There are currently only two teams in the NBA that have seven players averaging double-digit scoring: the Sacramento Kings and the Memphis Grizzlies.
Guard Willie Solomon’s four-point play against the Orlando Magic was only the fourth in team history.
The Memphis Grizzlies’ game against the Sacramento Kings was the 500th in team history. The franchise’s all-time record: 113-387.
QUOTABLE:
“You’ve heard me say this all year long. You’ve got to have shooters. You’ve got to have guys who can shoot the basketball if you are going to win in this league. If you have shooters on the floor, you always give yourself a chance to win the ballgame.” — Grizzlies coach Sidney Lowe after his team shot 43 percent against the Orlando Magic. The Magic shot 51.7 percent.
“It was a breather.” — Orlando Magic head coach Doc Rivers on his team’s game against the Memphis Grizzlies. The Magic won, 119-103.
“We kind of worked our way back into it, but the hole was too deep.” — Grizzlies guard Brevin Knight on his team’s comeback attempt against the Magic.
“We knew we were short-handed, but that’s the NBA. It happens to all teams, which means guys have to step it up. But we didn’t.” — Grizzlies guard Rodney Buford on his team’s undermanned effort against the Sacramento Kings.
“The 12-game win streak is nice, but we are not satisfied with it. We are not sitting here Lakers-watching.” — Sacramento forward Chris Webber on his team’s recent success.
If there’s one thing I know after 15 years of inspecting houses and writing about houses, it’s this: People sure do like their fireplaces. People can put up with houses that have sparky wiring, clogged-up plumbing, and leaky roofs, but don’t tell a man he can’t burn wood in his house. He’ll get a look on his face like his dog just died.
From a home inspector’s point of view, the whole idea of a fireplace is just crazy. In these days of efficient central heating and air conditioning, it just doesn’t make sense to drag bug-infested wood into your house and set it on fire. Fireplaces are mess-makers and energy-wasters. Every now and then, fireplace fire will get loose and burn a house down, leaving the occupants with nothing to do but stand out in the yard in their pajamas, talking to the TV news crew.
Up until lately, I was convinced that just about everybody enjoyed a nice fire. But in the last few weeks, I’ve learned that some folks in Northern California not only don’t enjoy fires and fireplaces, they want them outlawed.
The Berkeley City Council has banned log-burning fireplaces in new houses, according to the Los Angeles Times. Jami Caseber, a Berkeley environmental activist, told the Times that the anti-fireplace ordinance is “the first step to controlling or curtailing residential burning.”
To hear the Berkeley anti-fire types tell it, smoke from wood fires creates 30 percent of the regions’s winter particle pollution. On some days, they say, wood smoke is 80 percent of the pollution. Some say Northern California wood smoke is as dangerous as second-hand tobacco smoke.
When I heard about this, I checked with my barbecuing buddy, and general fire expert, Charlie Wood, who lives down near Atlanta. “What kind of wood are they burning out there anyway,” Charlie wondered. “How have they managed to pollute California in 150 years, while Virginia is still okay after 400 years? I think the whole damn population needs a lesson in proper fire-tending.”
Well, to get the answers, I checked with some Northern Californians who, as far as I know, are perfectly sensible people. They told me that the locals burn all kinds of wood, including something they call “piss fir” because it smells like urine when it burns. My Marin County buddy Larry Hoytt told me that several Northern California cities are outlawing wood-burning fireplaces and allow only ersatz gas-burning units. “Most of these are mood boxes with ceramic logs, which simulate that sexy fireplace appearance,” he said.
My California buddies also explained that the wood smoke tends to linger in the valleys, and, after a while, it really can stink up the place. Nobody from California has asked for my opinion, but I’m going to offer this anyway: You Californians, first thing you do is quit burning piss fir. Export that stuff to Japan, where they need all the wood they can get. As for Charlie’s advice on fire-tending, I agree. Burn dry wood and burn it hot. That’ll cut down on the particulate matter. Finally, it wouldn’t hurt to import some masons from back east, men who know how to build fireplaces and chimneys that work. For cryin’ out loud, you people are heading down a road to virtual fire. You need to turn your heads around and quick.
Like I said, fireplaces don’t make a lot of sense these days. But fireplaces aren’t supposed to make sense. They’re supposed to be sensual and get to you on the reptilian-brain level. To do that, a fireplace needs real fire, with flames that’ll warm your face and dry your lips in pulses. It needs a smell that sticks in your memory. A decent fire has a beginning, a middle, and an end. One of those sorry-ass, switch-controlled, mood-box gas fires might be fit for cooking a sauce, but it’s one poor source of pleasure.
A while back, I had to tell a customer that the fireplace in his old house might not be safe. I told him that the safest thing would be, well, a damn mood box. “I can’t do it,” he said. “For a while, I was thinking about moving to the suburbs, into one of those houses with a little fake gas fireplace. But then I thought, ‘Those fireplaces are little gateways to hell.’ Every minute I’d sit in front of it, it would just suck out a little bit of my soul. I’d rather have a real fire and take a chance on burning my house down.”
I’ve just about decided that he’s right. These days, when a customer asks me if he can use his fireplace, I tell him that as long as he doesn’t come crying to me if his house catches fire, he not only can use his fireplace, he ought to use his fireplace. Life is short. Simple pleasures are few. I say light the fires up and snuggle in close while your senses are still sharp and your soul’s still intact.
Not since the great showdown of 1991 — when two almost equally matched Shelby County Republican factions battled to a virtual draw over control of the party machinery — has the local GOP had a serious internal schism. The signs are there again, however — in a year when the party’s decade-long dominance of countywide political affairs is under serious challenge.
Eleven years ago the fight was over the party chairmanship. After an extended all-day convention of county cadres Memphis lawyer David Lillard, who represented what was then regarded as the old-line Republican establishment, was the loser, by a scant few votes, to Dr. Phillip Langsdon, the champion of a suburban-based insurgency. Langsdon — now retired from party affairs but a possible contender for future office — was at the helm for the institution of local party primaries and during the subsequent Republican sweep of county offices in 1994.
At some point, the two contending elements of 1991 joined forces, more or less (victory making for easy bedfellows), but today’s battle, which is not yet fully under way, could be a reprise of sorts of the old war. Lawyer John Ryder, one of two Tennesseans on the GOP national committee (and a Lillard partisan back then), has reportedly begun talking up a possible run for the Shelby County Commission’s 5th District seat, which is being vacated by Republican incumbent Buck Wellford.
The problem is that there is already a “mainstream” Republican candidate for the seat: financial planner Bruce Thompson, a Wellford-style opponent of urban sprawl who, up until now, had faced primary competition only from builder Jerry Cobb, a spokesperson of sorts for what has been an outnumbered — if defiant — group of GOP dissidents. One of Thompson’s main men, coincidentally or not, is lobbyist Nathan Green, a former close aide to outgoing Shelby County mayor Jim Rout and a prime booster also of Lillard’s run for yet another vacant commission seat.
(Lillard, now one of two Republican members of the county Election Commission, is focusing on his own race — for the seat being vacated by outgoing Commissioner Tommy Hart.)
The contest for the District 5 seat, which comprises a large chunk of East and Southeast Memphis, has major implications. Of the commission’s other 12 seats, six are heavily Democratic and African-American and six are predominantly white and Republican. District 5, which is the commission’s only single-member district, emerged from reapportionment discussions as the body’s swing seat — that which will determine who holds the balance of power on the commission, and perhaps in county government as a whole.
The most active Democrat now seeking the seat is veteran pol Joe Cooper, although lawyer Guthrie Castle has also acknowledged an interest in running. When last contacted, Clay Perry, local office manager for U.S. Rep. Harold Ford Jr., had not decided whether to make a race. Perry and some other Democrats — notably including local party chairperson Gale Jones Carson — believe that District 5 emerged from reapportionment discussions as something less than the racial and political “tossup” district it was billed as.
If Republicans do indeed hold an edge in the district, that edge could be blunted by a divisive three-way primary, which at root is a potential contest between individuals but which could inflame old wounds and become something more than that.
Ryder has been a key figure in Republican affairs, both locally and statewide, and it was largely through his efforts that the GOP was able of late to settle on a candidate for Shelby County mayor, state Representative Larry Scroggs. But Scroggs, whose ability to raise money is hampered by a state law prohibiting legislators from raising money while the General Assembly is in session, faces what already appears to be an uphill battle against the winner of the Democratic mayoral primary (whose major contestants are Public Defender A C Wharton, Bartlett banker Harold Byrd, and state Representative Carol Chumney).
Countywide, the demographic edge has turned in favor of the Democrats, and Shelby County Republicans would seem to require a united front at all costs.
Perhaps a shootout for the 5th District commission seat would leave that unity intact, and perhaps not. Perhaps the contest will not even come to pass. But if it does, Green professes confidence. “He [Ryder] may not think so, but we’ll beat him. He’s going to be badly surprised.”
* In a burst of activity this week, Scroggs made it clear that he intends to run as hard as his involvement with legislative matters will let him. Taking advantage of a lull in floor action, the GOP’s mayoral hope laid on a brisk Memphis schedule.
Beginning a weeklong round of local speeches with one to the Southeast Shelby County Republican Club at Fox Ridge Pizza Monday night, Scroggs both presented a legislative preview and outlined some of his views on county government.
Using the euphemism of “tax reform” to mean a state income tax, Scroggs indicated that such “reform” was less likely to come to pass in the current session than was a 1 percent rise in the state sales tax, which would increase it to 7 percent, with allowances for another 2.75 percent in local-option sale taxes. The combined rate would be far and away higher than any of Tennessee’s neighbor states.
An increase in that amount could yield as much as $750 million, at a time when the state’s looming deficit for the next fiscal year is estimated to be at least that much, Scroggs said. He underscored the relationship between the state’s fiscal problems and those of Shelby County by taking note of another proposal for obtaining financial relief at the state level — holding on to $700 million worth of tax funds ordinarily shared with local governments.
Such an action could force a 67-cent increase in the property tax rate of Germantown and one of 93 cents for residents of Memphis, said Scroggs, who warned, “The future of Shelby County is at stake.”
Scroggs stated his opposition to city-county consolidation per se, on three grounds — a personal belief in the “dispersal” of governmental power; a fear that, rather than reducing costs, consolidation would produce more “bureaucratic” expense than already exists within the separate governments of Memphis and Shelby County; and his view that the specter of duplicated services in the two governments had been overstated.
In particular, Scroggs warned against one of the advocated means for achieved city-county consolidation — the voluntary surrender of the city of Memphis charter. “That could open up that whole ‘tiny town’ thing all over again,” he said, referring to the conflict arising from a short-lived 1997 state law, later ruled unconstitutional, which would have permitted virtually unbridled incorporating powers by communities of almost any size.
In Scroggs’ scenario, other Shelby County municipalities might get into turf battles over efforts to annex parts of Memphis.
Scroggs did suggest that various forms of “functional” city-county consolidation might be desirable, although he noted, with seeming approval, ongoing efforts of any opposite sort in public education policy — specifically a bill co-sponsored by state Senator Mark Norris of Collierville that would establish the Shelby County school system as a special school district with its own taxing authority.
That bill has the imprimatur of David Pickler, chairman of the county school board. Pickler said this week, however, that he thought compromise was possible between that proposal and one by Memphis mayor Willie Herenton that would provide “single-source funding” for a unified district that would maintain administrative separateness for the two currently existing districts.
As Scroggs also noted Monday night, the other bone of contention besides that of administrative control is the matter of funding. Current state law, based on a classroom-attendance formula, mandates a 3:1 split, in Memphis’ favor, on all capital construction expenditures in Shelby County.
The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told can be pretty much summed up in three simple sentences. They are, in descending order of importance:
1) You’re SO gay.
2) You’re SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GAY!
And, of course:
3) Girlfriend, whoever it was who told those two blind, mullet-headed lesbians, who should have been out making themselves useful fixing somebody’s Bronco or something, that they could just come up in here, IN HERE, and commence to dec-o-ratin’ this place any old (and, honey-chile, I do mean OLD) way they please is, and you know I wouldn’t go putting you on now, no, unh-UNH, because they are so, so, and I do mean SO, very gay, have mercy [snap], that it is just to laugh [flourish], and can I puh-leeze have an AMEN, HALLELUJAH, THANKYSWEETBABYJESUS on that one?
And that’s pretty much the sorry size of it.
They say a hard wind can’t blow all day, and Paul Rudnick’s hard-blowing script is proof incontrovertible. The seemingly endless parade of too-obvious one-liners and cheap sight gags is so full of broad gay stereotypes that one quickly tires of a premise that is worked harder than a two-bit hussy on crazy-check day: Ain’t dem homos a hoot? Yessiree, it’s a rollicking gay minstrel show (minus requisite banjos) where shucking and jiving have been replaced by shopping and crotch-diving.
Rudnick, whose I Hate Hamlet is a goofy, nothing-is-sacred rip on stodgy old Shakespeare, has a gift for lightning-quick comedy. It’s abundantly clear that with Fab Story he was trying way too hard to have the same kind of terribly twee fun with the Holy Bible. Too bad this gay “Good Book” ain’t so good. In fact (and presumably by way of accident), it comes dangerously close to the kinds of grotesque parody usually favored by sissy-hatin’ good ol’ boys. A well-positioned ad in Survivalist Monthly could almost ensure the play’s success while stoking the fires and stroking the mean-spirited funny bones of gay-bashing rednecks from here to the very outskirts of Yoknapatawpha County. Even if in jest, to make a gay man responsible for all of mankind’s great mythological tragedies, like getting humans kicked out of paradise, the universal flood, and the Abdominator is, ideologically, troublesome. To add obscurity to injury, Rudnick employs at least one theatrical device that only those precious few observers who have actually spent some time on stage can fully enjoy: “Oh her? — Why, she’s God, honey. She just thinks she’s the stage manager.” (I am positively slain by the cleverness of it all.)
The show opens with a belabored comic retelling of the Christian creation myth. An unspoken “Let there be buggery” is pronounced somewhere around day eight. And, lo, there was buggery. And it was good. I suppose. That is, it looked like it might have been good for someone. From that magical moment on, a terribly neurotic Adam and his butch eternal-life partner Steve fuss, shop, and bugger their way through eternity, stopping only once to have sex with some animals along the way. Their best friends, Jane (a mean mannish girl with a taste for the hooch) and Mabel (an earth goddess so flaky they should name a breakfast cereal after her), play off their male counterparts like a po-mo Fred and Ethel.
Renee Davis is genuinely funny as the eco-friendly Mabel. Her limber herstory of modern dance, running the gamut from Isadora Duncan to Stevie Nicks, is a thoroughly amusing meat-headed gag that might have been culled from an episode of The Family Guy. Kyle Barnette also scores guffaws as a nelly pharaoh who’s a wee bit too sensitive about his eye makeup. Emily Fry does some of her most specific character work to date, and the remainder of the cast turn in solid, energetic performances. As Steve, Ben Hensley actually manages to find a few poignant moments, which are, in this foolish endeavor, scarcer than lizard lips. But none of this adds up to much. The entire first act is nothing but a series of loosely connected bits. And the second act The, uh, second act. Well, I didn’t stay for the second act. You see, the second act abandons the Bible story and turns into an overly sentimental (yes, sentimental) celebration of fabulousness with forced observations on the nature of God, love, and the meaning of the universe and stuff. Malaria seems more appealing.
And now a word about the set: Girlfriend told those blind, mullet-headed lesbians they could just come up in here and commence to dec-o-ratin’? Chile, unh-uh.
The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told is at Circuit Playhouse through February 17th.
This week brings to town a couple of Chicago indie bands that may be worth a look. The punk band Haymarket Riot may not sound quite as incendiary as their name suggests, but the group’s latest album, Bloodshot Eyes, still presents an overactive Fugazi-like sound –two emotional vocalists, angular guitar riffs, a rhythm section that actually has rhythm — which bodes well for their live show. These guys will be at the Map Room on Monday, January 28th, with Honda Factor.
The other Windy City import hitting town this week is The Clip, an outfit that balances electronica programming with new-wave guitars and a female lead singer, creating a sonic mix that may remind you of Garbage. The Clip will be joined at the Young Avenue Deli on Saturday, January 26th, by local hip-hop/funk DJs Redeye Jedi and Chase-One of Memphix.
This week also boasts a couple of local-oriented blues shows of note. Alvin Youngblood Hart will be at Legend’s on Beale Saturday, January 26th, showcasing his (relatively) new, homegrown rhythm section, bassist Mark Stuart (the Pawtuckets) and drummer John Argroves (the Star-Crossed Truckers). Then on Sunday, January 27th, at Earnestine and Hazel’s, University of Memphis professor and renowned musicologist David Evans will be joined by his colleagues in The Last Chance Jug Band to play a show celebrating the release of his new record, Match Box Blues, on the local Inside Sounds label. —Chris Herrington
Go ahead and pinch us — not to see if we’re dreaming but just because we have to be masochists to keep on living in this state and could stand some more pain.
Believe it or not, the 132 elected members of the General Assembly of Tennessee seem primed this year to do that which not even they have been foolish enough to attempt in the last several sessions of the legislature. In response to an ever-worsening financial situation — the state is experiencing a $300 million shortfall this year and expects one of $800 million to $1 billion for next year — the gallant solons who reconvened in Nashville last week have let it be known that we can expect an increase in the state sales tax — one as large, perhaps, as a full percentage point.
A moment to consider the consequences: Tennessee’s statewide sales and use tax stands already at 6 percent. (Memphians, Nashvillians, and a few others are paying an additional 2.25 percent — for a total of 8.25percent.) If this trend continues, it doesn’t take a mathematical whiz or a theologian to see that we will soon be in danger of paying the state an amount (9.25 percent) commensurate with the biblical tithe of 10 percent. Most churchgoers cannot afford to do so, however much they revere their religion, and most consumers are in the same fix.
To be sure, the assessment of another point of sales tax would bring in almost enough new money to compensate for next year’s expected shortfall — that is, if consumption remains at the present levels. The problem is that there is no guarantee that it will — especially in the current, already slumping economic climate. What’s more, it is almost axiomatic that Tennessee consumers, or at least those close enough to the borders, will accelerate a practice they have already begun, fleeing to adjoining states with far lower sales taxes in order to make their basic purchases. Add to that one more caveat — the continued existence, mandated by Congress, of tax-free Internet retailers.
In short, any revenue estimates currently being made in Nashville are almost surely overoptimistic.
It could stand repeating, too, that the sales tax is inherently regressive, disproportionately taxing Tennesseans of modest incomes, those who must expend a greater percentage of their resources to acquire the necessities of life.
And, finally, as Lt. Governor John Wilder is fond of saying, “Uncle Sam taxes taxes.” That’s his way of saying the obvious: What the state takes in tax on purchases will be taxed all over again by the federal government as income. That’s what you call double taxation. Time was when the sales tax was subject to deduction on one’s federal tax returns, as a state income tax would be now. No longer.
To their credit, Governor Don Sundquist, state House of Representatives Speaker Jimmy Naifeh, and various legislators have expressed their willingness to accept a state income tax, which would be non-regressive, deductible, and “elastic” in its ability to grow with the economy. For their pains, they have been met with public derision, riots, and legislative irresponsibility. This year, Sundquist and Naifeh have let it be known they won’t stand in the way of a sales tax.
What is it they say? “We get the government we deserve.” Pinch us again. Hard.
Let’s face the smoking mirror, shall we? Memphis hasn’t exactly been stuffing our ears and eyes with interesting out-of-town acts over the past few months. Quite frankly, the concert scene has been grossly unimpressive for a city this size. But now, to put a close to our stretch of suffocating boredom, comes an act that has no equal in the world of music –the infamous indie-rock duo the Frogs, who will make their Memphis debut Saturday, January 26th, at the Map Room.
Though regarded by some as a novelty act, drummer Dennis Flemion and guitarist/principle songwriter Jimmy Flemion are far from a joke act along the lines of Ween; there are no stoner/frat-boy hijinks to be found in the Frogs’ oeuvre. Rather, the Frogs tread a sonic and lyrical landscape that celebrates confusion, wonderment, subversion, and, to many, a total offensiveness that spares very few sacred cows.
The legacy began almost 22 years ago in Milwaukee, where the “brothers” were just breaching the age of 20 and performing locally as a duo. Jimmy started wearing a six-foot pair of angel wings onstage (and still does to this day), and the Frogs delved into a home-taping habit that has since produced a wealth of unreleased material. They were also wearing full-body bunny rabbit outfits when current cause cÇläbres the Moldy Peaches were nothing but a toddler/babysitter combo.
The year 1988 saw the release of their debut, The Frogs — a nice little collection of cabaret pop songs (rereleased in 1999 on Jim O’Rourke’s Moikai label) that did very little to prepare listeners for the chaos that loomed just around the corner. In 1989, Gerard Cosloy was employed by Homestead Records and was about a year away from the masterstroke of co-launching Matador Records. Several of the Frogs’ homespun numbers fell into his lap and Homestead was somehow persuaded to fund the Frogs’ second full-length, It’s Only Right and Natural. (For a mainstream reference point, the “that was a good drum break” line from Beck’s “Where It’s At” was sampled from the record’s “I Don’t Care If You Disrespect Me [So Long As You Love Me].”)
Proclaiming the brothers as the “World’s Only Gay Supremacist Duo” and stacked to the gills with graphic homosexual (“Someone’s Pinning Me To the Ground”) and religious (“God is Gay”) content, it’s safe to say that It’s Only Right and Natural was a gasp-inducing enigma in indie rock at the time. To be hilariously over-the-top was one thing, but the Frogs had truly begun their career of professional button-pushing when it leaked that the duo were probably not gay. But any controversy was also mitigated by one unavoidable detail that gave the band credibility: The music is mostly spot-on gorgeous. Clear worshipers at the pre-glam altars of both Marc Bolan (T. Rex) and David Bowie (his ’60s recordings), the band made fractured psychedelic folk niceties out of the otherwise loaded material.
Sitting on the cusp of cult status, the Frogs then attempted career suicide by trying to shop the somewhat notorious Racially Yours album to a slew of uninterested labels. This album would eventually undergo official release in 2000 on Chicago’s Four Alarm Records — seven years after it was recorded. Rumors, underground tape-trading, and Napster effectively made Racially Yours the low-key answer to Prince’s Black Album, and, like that album, it’s not nearly as incendiary as the hype made it out to be. The album performs a satirical slice ‘n’ dice on race issues from several viewpoints and is not terribly racist upon close examination — as long as you are not examining the cover art (Dennis Frog in blackface).
Then the band hit a streak of better luck. The good grace of Gerard Cosloy resulted in Matador releasing two singles (“Adam and Steve” and “Here Comes Santa’s Pussy”) and a full-length LP/CD (My Daughter, The Broad) between 1994 and 1996. My Daughter, The Broad pretty much follows the musical blueprint laid out by It’s Only Right and Natural but sheds the pro-gay theme for a pansexual attack on well you name it: Jerry Lewis, the elderly, children — no one is safe. Tom Green devolves quickly into base shock art next to a riotous sucker-punch like My Daughter, The Broad.
At this point, the band’s one-of-a-kind story ceases to make sense altogether. Kurt Cobain had been name-dropping the Frogs for years before his demise, and this is not too surprising, given his penchant for advertising his obscure taste whenever offered the chance. Nor was flirting with the underground an uncommon practice among members of the Alternative Nation; it makes you look cool and versed beyond what your surroundings offer. The Frogs have never had any bones about their desire to become famous, and for a while in the mid-to-late ’90s there were a handful of big names taking this task to heart. Pearl Jam, the Smashing Pumpkins, ex-Breeder Kelley Deal, and even Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach are all players in the Frogs story.
Pearl Jam had the Frogs cover their “Rearviewmirror” on the flipside of the “Immortality” single, then the Frogs popped up on the B-side of the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight, Tonight” single. Billy Corgan et al. then took the brothers on the road, a scenario that commonly found both bands on stage together. Mercury Records gave the Smashing Pumpkins a vanity label in 1997 called Scratchie, which quickly became the Frogs’ on-and-off home. Produced by Corgan (under the nom de plume “Johnny Goat”), the Frogs released the Starjob EP on Scratchie. A drastic departure from the pared-down approach common to other Frogs releases, Starjob is a robustly produced record that plays out the rise and fall of a rock star.
Now enter Bach, a close friend of Jimmy Flemion’s and a reputed stage presence when the Frogs play the New York area. Jimmy and Sebastian formed a supergroup called the Last Hard Men with Kelley Deal and Smashing Pumpkins drummer Jimmy Chamberlain, and that was the band who covered Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” for the Scream soundtrack. (I am not making any of this up.) When this concoction dissolved, Jimmy became a member of the Sebastian Bach and Friends live band and can be heard shredding axe on “Bring ’em Bach Alive,” a live document (with three Frogs compositions) released in 1999 on Atlantic Records.
The Frogs stayed active despite Jimmy’s extracurricular activities, releasing Bananimals in 1999 on Four Alarm and last year’s Hopscotch Lollipop Sunday Surprise on Scratchie. The former revisits the signature fried-folk ponderings of yore, adding piano ballads and a little rock to the requisitely blue song topics (“Golden Showers,” “I’m Back To Women”). Hopscotch takes T. Rex’s Tanx and a few Pulp records into the Flemion factory and emerges triumphantly beaming with pop beauty. Plus, aside from a few moments (“Nipple Clamps,” “Fuck Off”), it’s a relatively good-natured outing.
The Frogs have toured almost every year of their two-decade existence and have perfected a purportedly brilliant show. They are currently a three-piece live unit that covers every corner of their exhausting career in acoustic and electric variations, and frontline reports claim that a patron-baiting Dennis Frog commonly encourages audience participation. Enjoy.
