Month: February 2002

To: Allen Wastler,

Managing Editor

CNN/Money

Dear Mr. Wastler,

I would suggest that Enron change its name to Bob. Bob imparts a sense of boyish innocence, and is virtually always a good guy. Bob is so common and ubiquitous a name that it seems to lend its bearer an innocuous cloak of anonymity – as opposed to the evil and very unique “Enron.”

Enron reminds me of Darth Vader. Both parts of the name are unsalvageable now. You’re not going to name your kid Darth, any more than you would Vader, are you? Now, by association, even the name Ron is shot. I think that the Rons of this world might want to look into a lawsuit against

Enron for mucking up their name. Ren would be the worst, though, as it would combine the En with the Ron, although Ren from Ren and Stimpy or Kevin Bacon as Ren in Footloose might be just enough to save that name from En-ruin.

Back to Bob. How many Bobs out there are negatively portrayed by the media? I think that we all sort of benefit by our association with the great Bob Hope — the nicest guy ever. Then there’s the Bob and Tom Show, and Bob the Builder — both much-loved. And there’s the immortal Bob Barker from The Price Is Right.

In a 1999 poll, Bob came in ahead of Northwest Territories as the better name for that Canadian province, but leave it to the Canadians to look a gift horse in the mouth — Bob was disqualified. There’s the not-so-new craze over NBA Bobbleheads. And, there’s bobbing for apples now there’s a wholesome activity if there ever was one.

I’ve heard there’s a bridge somewhere calle Bob. I’ve also heard that Bill Gates once wanted to name an operating system Bob, but was overruled — although that begs the question: Who is there to overrule Bill Gates?

I think that Andy Fastow and Ken Lay could benefit from name changes, as well, although Andy and Ken are pretty innocuous names themselves. Jeffrey Skilling really needs a name change. Neither “Jeffrey” nor “Skilling” is a very good name to have when you’re attempting to dodge an all-out media feeding frenzy. Jeffreys tend to be overly formal, sort of snotty, I think — like a boarding school kid you want to beat up. And Skilling — if that doesn’t bring to min thoughts of a skillet (and as a gerund, too), I don’t know what would.

In sum, Mr. Wastler, I submit that Bob is synonymous with good, and Enro could really use some of that nowadays. Why, I bet you that if Enron changed its name to Bob tomorrow, this whole sordid affair would evaporate into thin air faster than money off an Enron balance sheet.

Very truly yours,

Bob Ledyard

Memphis

Listen:

I used to be able to tell when whoever she was seeing was about to dump her by how often she would call me. When they broke up, I would hear from her about once a week until she found someone new. Now that we’re in the same town I thought things would be a little different, that we’d at least have drinks once in a while. Boy, was I wrong. What bothers me even more is that I’m currently in a long-term relationship and even from the very beginning, I’ve always made time for her. I don’t feel like she’s made any for me. I’m tempted to tell her exactly how wrong she is, but something has prevented me so far.

Signed,

Fed Up

Okay:

You can never go back home again. I know that’s a cliché, but damn it, sometimes things are used a lot because they’re just that true. It sounds as if part of you is hurt because you expected things to be one way and they’re not. Unfortunately, that’s just what happens. You can’t go home again and you can’t blame her for expectations you had, no more than you can blame her for the weather outside.

However, you can blame her for being a self-centered bitch. I’m going to take your word on it that you really do make time for her when you’re seeing someone, because if you don’t, you’re a self-centered bitch, too. And then, really, what’s the point in you complaining? So let’s be sure the dagger doesn’t slice both ways.

But let’s say you do make time for her and she doesn’t for you. There’s a couple of things you could do here. The first is to sit her down and tell her exactly how “wrong” she is. She’s choosing men over friend and that’s just not cool. Were they there when she was crying her eyes out over So-and-so? Did any of them ever accompany her to the bathroom at a restaurant or a rock concert? And where were they the last time she was gained a few pounds?

You could say all this, or similar things, until she starts crying from the shame of being “a bad friend,” but, let’s be honest, what good will it do? You might get to scream and yell and stomp around, but you might not feel any better afterwards. She’ll apologize, but be up to her old tricks by the end of the week. And then you’re faced with a friend who isn’t just a self-centered bitch, but one who won’t even pretend to care about your feelings.

I guess my advice would just be to get over it. You’ve known for a while she likes to hang out with her man — I hardly think the way the two of you met could be considered an auspicious beginning — so process that information and deal with it.

Because she really didn’t do anything wrong, except not pay enough attention to you. And there must be some reason why the two of you have stayed friends for all this time. I guess what I’m saying is downgrade her friend status. Instead of being your “good friend Carol,” think about her as your “friend Carol” or “that Carol” you know.

Or you cold just let the friendship fall fallow and maybe one day she’ll call you. It’ll probably be a day when she’s broken up with someone, but there you go.

Listen:

A few times since I known her I’ve told myself I wasn’t going to call her anymore because I don’t need to put up with her crap. But then when I do call her, even if it’s just to bitch her out, she’s so apologetic and nice that I find myself chalking up her bullshit to the difficulties of a complicated life. Am I being a chump?

Signed,

Busy Bee

Okay:

In a word: Yes.

I think I’m going to have to break some news to you, news that the wonderful woman wasn’t woman enough to break herself. So I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I’m not going to lie; I’m just going to lay it on the line: She isn’t attracted to you.

Now get off the floor (you can still clutch at your stomach if you want to) and let me explain. From what I’ve read of your situation, this girl thought you were funny or good-looking or rich when you first met; so she agreed to go out with you. But after spending more time with you, she deduced that you are dull or ugly or poor as dirt, and that is sadly unacceptable to her.

But. She doesn’t want to tell you that you are dull or ugly or poor; that might hurt your feelings. And besides your dullness, lack of beauty and poverty level, she likes you just fine. As a friend, you fit the bill nicely. You’re just not boyfriend material.

I think there’s a term for this, passive aggressive, but I can’t use it because I’m not a licensed, well, anything. But at any rate, when you call, she is pleasant and agrees to go out with you (you’re a nice guy, after all), but when it gets time for the real “date,” she realizes that she really doesn’t want to go out with you. Instead, she hopes that by canceling and stringing you along, you will either get the hint or get sick of her bullshit and decide you don’t want to see her anymore. And then the problem is solved.

Unfortunately for both of you, you’ve decided to be persistent. Or you don’t have a clue. So you just keep calling. This is where the wildly implausible roach story kicks in. She might as well as said, I’m busy. I’m washing my hair. Yes, she could have a roach infestation. And perhaps she was busy the entire evening trying to get a exterminator out to her pad, maybe. But if she really wanted to see you, was wildly attracted to you, you are the man of her dreams, she would have picked up one of those cute little things called the telephone and dialed your number. And if the roaches had somehow absconded with it (they’re tricky little guys), she would’ve found a pay phone or at the very very least, e-mailed you the next day.

I’m curious to know if she understood these outings were indeed dates (Were the clues there? Like you picked her up at her house? You paid? You put the moves on her? Or were they sexless friendly outings, the kind that well-behaved Austrian children might go on in “The Sound of Music”? Was there singing?) or if she thought from the beginning that the two of you were “just friends,” only to realize later your dastardly intentions?

So cut her loose. While you may not be boyfriend material for her, she’s definitely not friend material for you.

Listen:

I used to be able to tell when whoever she was seeing was about to dump her by how often she would call me. When they broke up, I would hear from her about once a week until she found someone new. Now that we’re in the same town I thought things would be a little different, that we’d at least have drinks once in a while. Boy, was I wrong. What bothers me even more is that I’m currently in a long-term relationship and even from the very beginning, I’ve always made time for her. I don’t feel like she’s made any for me. I’m tempted to tell her exactly how wrong she is, but something has prevented me so far.

Signed,

Fed Up

Okay:

You can never go back home again. I know that’s a cliché, but damn it, sometimes things are used a lot because they’re just that true. It sounds as if part of you is hurt because you expected things to be one way and they’re not. Unfortunately, that’s just what happens. You can’t go home again and you can’t blame her for expectations you had, no more than you can blame her for the weather outside.

However, you can blame her for being a self-centered bitch. I’m going to take your word on it that you really do make time for her when you’re seeing someone, because if you don’t, you’re a self-centered bitch, too. And then, really, what’s the point in you complaining? So let’s be sure the dagger doesn’t slice both ways.

But let’s say you do make time for her and she doesn’t for you. There’s a couple of things you could do here. The first is to sit her down and tell her exactly how “wrong” she is. She’s choosing men over friend and that’s just not cool. Were they there when she was crying her eyes out over So-and-so? Did any of them ever accompany her to the bathroom at a restaurant or a rock concert? And where were they the last time she was gained a few pounds?

You could say all this, or similar things, until she starts crying from the shame of being “a bad friend,” but, let’s be honest, what good will it do? You might get to scream and yell and stomp around, but you might not feel any better afterwards. She’ll apologize, but be up to her old tricks by the end of the week. And then you’re faced with a friend who isn’t just a self-centered bitch, but one who won’t even pretend to care about your feelings.

I guess my advice would just be to get over it. You’ve known for a while she likes to hang out with her man — I hardly think the way the two of you met could be considered an auspicious beginning — so process that information and deal with it.

Because she really didn’t do anything wrong, except not pay enough attention to you. And there must be some reason why the two of you have stayed friends for all this time. I guess what I’m saying is downgrade her friend status. Instead of being your “good friend Carol,” think about her as your “friend Carol” or “that Carol” you know.

Or you cold just let the friendship fall fallow and maybe one day she’ll call you. It’ll probably be a day when she’s broken up with someone, but there you go.

Listen:

A few times since I known her I’ve told myself I wasn’t going to call her anymore because I don’t need to put up with her crap. But then when I do call her, even if it’s just to bitch her out, she’s so apologetic and nice that I find myself chalking up her bullshit to the difficulties of a complicated life. Am I being a chump?

Signed,

Busy Bee

Okay:

In a word: Yes.

I think I’m going to have to break some news to you, news that the wonderful woman wasn’t woman enough to break herself. So I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I’m not going to lie; I’m just going to lay it on the line: She isn’t attracted to you.

Now get off the floor (you can still clutch at your stomach if you want to) and let me explain. From what I’ve read of your situation, this girl thought you were funny or good-looking or rich when you first met; so she agreed to go out with you. But after spending more time with you, she deduced that you are dull or ugly or poor as dirt, and that is sadly unacceptable to her.

But. She doesn’t want to tell you that you are dull or ugly or poor; that might hurt your feelings. And besides your dullness, lack of beauty and poverty level, she likes you just fine. As a friend, you fit the bill nicely. You’re just not boyfriend material.

I think there’s a term for this, passive aggressive, but I can’t use it because I’m not a licensed, well, anything. But at any rate, when you call, she is pleasant and agrees to go out with you (you’re a nice guy, after all), but when it gets time for the real “date,” she realizes that she really doesn’t want to go out with you. Instead, she hopes that by canceling and stringing you along, you will either get the hint or get sick of her bullshit and decide you don’t want to see her anymore. And then the problem is solved.

Unfortunately for both of you, you’ve decided to be persistent. Or you don’t have a clue. So you just keep calling. This is where the wildly implausible roach story kicks in. She might as well as said, I’m busy. I’m washing my hair. Yes, she could have a roach infestation. And perhaps she was busy the entire evening trying to get a exterminator out to her pad, maybe. But if she really wanted to see you, was wildly attracted to you, you are the man of her dreams, she would have picked up one of those cute little things called the telephone and dialed your number. And if the roaches had somehow absconded with it (they’re tricky little guys), she would’ve found a pay phone or at the very very least, e-mailed you the next day.

I’m curious to know if she understood these outings were indeed dates (Were the clues there? Like you picked her up at her house? You paid? You put the moves on her? Or were they sexless friendly outings, the kind that well-behaved Austrian children might go on in “The Sound of Music”? Was there singing?) or if she thought from the beginning that the two of you were “just friends,” only to realize later your dastardly intentions?

So cut her loose. While you may not be boyfriend material for her, she’s definitely not friend material for you.