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THE THIRD MAN THEME: RALPH NADER INTERVIEW

photo by Jackson Baker

Presidential candidatge Ralph Nader expounds on Elvis, The Commercial Appeal, the FedEx Forum, Bill Frist, and, oh yes, the 2004 Election.

Though it seems clear that Democrat John Kerry wishes he would go away, independent candidate Ralph Nader is once again, as he was four years ago, a factor in the presidential race. Nader was in Memphis last week, addressing students and faculty members at Rhodes College, where the legendary consumer advocate and reformer, author of Unsafe at Any Speed and many other influential publications, dilated on his views that big corporations control both major political parties. He defended his third-man candidacy as a means of bringing government back to the people and talked up issues ranging from electoral reform to health-care to environmentalism to a higher minimum wage.

The oh-so-serious Nader also evidenced a playful streak at Rhodes, as when he lamented the apostasy this year of author/filmmaker Michael Moore, a former supporter, by playing on a Moore book title. “Hey dude, where’s my buddy?” Nader asked rhetorically. And he seemed captivated by the name of our city’s daily newspaper. “The Commercial Appeal: That’s the most accurate name for a newspaper I’ve ever seen! I have to congratulate the founder.”

Nader later sat down for an exclusive interview with the Flyer. What follows is an abridgment of that extensive conversation Ñ leaving out such nuggets as his disparagement of erstwhile Democratic insurgent Howard Dean (“I don’t give Dean’s rhetoric that much credence. Right now, for example, he is a fierce loyalist for Kerry and against my candidacy”) and of the late President Ronald Reagan (“He demonstrated the power of words over deeds. He liked individuals, but his policies disliked humanity”). Nader ducked a question about who his vice-presidential running mate might be, but two days later he would designate for that role one Peter Camejo, a onetime Green Party presidential candidate. The choice underlined the apparent determination by Nader, the Greens’ 2002 presidential nominee, to gain the party’s endorsement at this weekend’s national Green Party convention in Milwaukee.

FLYER: Any number of political observers note that Democrats are fiercely resisting your candidacy, while Republicans are not. Why doesn’t this undermine your premise that you will take votes equally from both parties?

NADER: Because the shift has just begun. Most liberals have abandoned us Ñ we can attest to that Ñ and what’s happening now is the members of the party out of power, in this case the Democrats, come back to the fold in the next cycle. That’s historically what’s happened. But the independents who would have voted for Bush, or the conservatives who voted for Bush, a significant number are furious with him, over the Patriot Act, over the huge deficit, over their taxes going to corporate subsidies, over what they call the sovereignty-shrinking impact of the WTO and NAFTA. They don’t like Bush beating up on Taiwan and cuddling with Communist China. It’s churning out there. It’s hard to say how many of these people are revolting, but the fact that there is a revolt is pretty well documented, and so I think they’re either going to stay home, or they’re going to vote for a libertarian, or they’re going to vote for my independent candidacy.

But doesn’t the absence of Republican protests mean they don’t see you as a threat?

Right now, they don’t. You see, they’re looking at the polls right now, but in the last two weeks, three major polls show that I’m either taking more from Bush than Kerry, or it’s a wash. That’s a CNN poll, a Zogby poll, and I think an ABC poll. So the shift Ñ you know, it’s five months until the election.

Gore supporters say you cost them Florida and New Hampshire. Guilty or not guilty?

Well, first of all, none of us are guilty, if we have equal rights to run for election. We’re all trying to get votes from one another, so why do they give a second-class citizenship to a third party? Second, and this is something the press constantly makes a mistake on: The exit polls in New Hampshire showed that I took more Republican votes than Democrat votes. And that’s not surprising, because, two-and-a-half months ago, there’s a poll from New Hampshire which had me at 8 percent. That was made up of 4 percent of Democrats’ votes, 9 percent of Republicans’, and 11 percent of independents’. So they’re completely wrong, even on their assumptions in New Hampshire.

In Florida, look at the bias. A quarter of a million Democrats in Florida voted for Bush. About 25,000 net Democrats voted for me. So who should they be worried about? Why are they always blaming the Green Party? Because they want it all for themselves. They don’t want any competition. They don’t want competition to grow in future years.

The Commercial Appeal: That’s the most accurate name for a newspaper I’ve ever seen.! I have to congratulate the founder.”

How are you doing in the polls?

We’re coming in at 5, 6, and 7 percent. The last one came out with 7. We’re doing better than in 2000. My theory is, we’re doing better than 2000 even though we’re being abandoned by the liberal Democrats who supported us in 2000. So who’s making up the difference and more? More and more, we’re getting this anecdotal evidence, plus there are a couple of polls that are saying that a lot of people who voted for Bush in 2000 are furious with him.

First of all, I want to defeat Bush. That’s one of the principal reasons I’m running. And I think a two-front approach is better, because, look, I can raise issues and take apart the Bush administration in ways Kerry would never do. Because the Democrats would be too cautious, too indentured to the same commercial interests, or too unimaginative. And that’ll become clear when you compare Web sites, for instance.

Like: Is Bush being hammered by Kerry on being soft on corporate crime? Is he being hammered on the war in Iraq and the need to withdraw? Is he being hammered for what he’s doing to ignore a living wage in this country? Is he being hammered that Bush is anti-union and supports union-busting companies? And is he being hammered that WTO and NAFTA are just not working; they’re resulting in the export of huge industries and jobs from the U.S.?

The Democrats have been losing for the last 10 years to the worst of the Republican Party. Why should we trust that they’re going to win this time, when they haven’t changed any of their game plan, and they’re still dialing for the same dollars? Now, if Bush self-destructs, it doesn’t matter. But assuming he doesn’t self-destruct, I don’t trust the Democrats to be able to beat him on their own.

What did you think of Kerry’s efforts to recruit John McCain as his running mate?

It’s easy to say it would have been a winning ticket. But, you know, sometimes the vice presidents fade. And then it’s all about the presidential candidate. And then to see McCain in his subdued situation would lead to the press probing differences about pro-life, pro-choice Ñ you did this, you did that. So for weeks, the Kerry-McCain ticket would have been pursued by “Well, you voted this way, Kerry voted that way. Why are you buckling under?” And McCain doesn’t have that kind of temperament to be a me-too person. And that’s why he’s smart to have said no. The better choice would be John Edwards. That’s the majority preference by the Democrats in recent polls. He’s been vetted. He has a very good five-minute speech on the “two Americas,” and he can help them in the South. I think the main problem with Kerry is, “Will John Edwards outshine him?” Because Kerry isn’t as good a speaker.

Edwards was impressive rhetorically. His Senate career was unimpressive. Even on his principal issue of civil justice, he never took any leadership. Which is sad. I think he made a mistake running this time. It was a little too early, unless he becomes vice president.

Did any of the Democratic candidates really impress you?

Well, I think [Rep. Dennis] Kucinich has a 30-year track record. It’s not rhetoric. And I worked with him when he was mayor of Cleveland, taking on the corporate barons, and he’s got a very good platform, and it’s not rhetoric.

Would you have run if he were the nominee?

Probably not. But I would have waited to see if he would have moderated or changed in his positions. You know, once you get up there, they start coming in on you.

Do you agree with Eric Alterman, whose book, What Liberal Media?, argues that the media either parrot the conservative line or don’t resist it?

Yes. First of all, the publishers of the newspapers are overwhelmingly Republican, as are the owners of TV stations. The columnists are overwhelmingly dominated by conservatives Ñ George Will, etc. The Sunday talk shows are overwhelmingly dominated by conservatives. What they call liberal is Morton Kondracke. And extreme right-wingers have radio programs. There are no extreme left-wingers who have radio programs.

And they say, “Well, it’s because the audience likes it.” Nonsense. Conservative talk-show hosts attack government, which doesn’t advertise. Liberal talk-show hosts tweak corporations, who do advertise. That’s the big difference in radio. You go after, as a radio talk-show host, car dealers in a certain metropolitan area, and they’ve been known to pull their ads off. That’s a lot of money. So once you go into consumer fraud, you go into corporate crime, you go into living wage, you’re going to alienate a lot of the advertisers. The right-wing broadcasters say, “Well, we’re just better at it. We’ve got a sense of humor. We’re market-driven.” Well, sure! You ever see Limbaugh go after corporations?

What about the liberal “antidote,” Air America?

It’s already collapsing. It first started out with grants, and the grantors apparently didn’t fulfill all their grants. They didn’t have enough money for a transition period. And, second, they’re trying to mimic the style of the conservatives. Over-talking, shouting, being outrageous. That’s not going to make it. And, seriously, the radio talk-show audience has already been screened out. It’s overwhelmingly conservative. And so they have to get new listeners. It’s hard.

You’re best known for your anticorporate positions. What are some of your positions on the so-called social issues?

I’m against capital punishment. First of all, it doesn’t deter [crime]. Second, it discriminates against the poor. Third, it kills innocent people. Fourth, a life sentence is cheaper, actually, than prosecuting a capital case. On abortion, I’m pro-choice. I don’t think the government should tell a woman either to have children or not to have children. On gay rights, full equality. Marriage is what’s complicated, because the state laws use the word “marriage” as the predicate for certain joint rights. Now, if they were revised and just used the word “marriage” for a man and a woman and used the words “civil union” for gays and lesbians, the linguistic barrier would disappear. More people would be for civil union than for gay marriage. And the important thing is not the word “marriage.” The important thing is equal rights. So I think the Republicans are readying a major visibility for that issue to swing the five open Senate seats in the South.

Some “moral-majority” Republican voters will tell you privately that they might vote Democratic if it weren’t for the social issues. Your thoughts?

That’s exactly my point. The moment the Democrats took the economic issues off the table, starting about 20 or 25 years ago, when they started dialing for dollars, they left a vacuum. And the Republicans moved in with these social issues. If the Democrats used a living wage, serious health-care, cracking down on drug-price gouging, the need to pour money into public works … Who’s against public works? If they stood up for labor, in terms of union rights, and so on, they would fill this vacuum. A few months ago, Senator Imhof of Oklahoma was asked, “Why do Republicans keep wining?” He said, “It’s simple: God, gays, and guns.”

So the Democrats did it to themselves.

“Conservative talk show hosts attack government, which doesn’t advertise. Liberal talkshow hosts tweak corporations, who do advertise. That’s the big difference in radio.”

Where will you be percentage-wise on November 2nd?

Clairvoyant I’m not. We’re trying for a three-way race, which means we’ve got to break 10 percent and break into 14, 15. And then the media becomes more daily [in coverage]. The important thing is daily media.

Do you have a ghost of a chance?

Yes. Oh, yeah. If I get on the debates, and the polls show 14 or 15 percent, and [I get] daily media on the debates, you’ve got a three-way race.

Is there a realistic chance of getting into the debates?

On the old debate commission, probably not, because they control the deck. But the new debate commission may be making connections with one or two networks, radio talk-show syndicates, whatever. There’s a possibility.

Does it bother you when Democrats call you a spoiler?

The more I hear that, the more I know the Democrats are decadent and the more need there is to go after them and make them shape up or ship out, because they have eight million voters deserting them every four years, 35 percent of labor-union members deserting them. And what are they worried about? The fraction of that that is going to the Green Party.

They’re very decadent. They don’t change their game plan. They lose and lose at the local, state, and national level. California has a Republican governor, New York has a Republican governor. Connecticut, Massachusetts. There are city mayors that are Republican. They’ve lost the House and the Senate. They’ve lost more state legislatures. They lost an election they won in 2000 Ñ the presidential outcome. [laughs] So the more they scapegoat and lie, the more decadent they are, the more necessary it is to form a third political force to move in on them.

Just now, there’s a lot of skepticism about President Bush’s reasons for going into Iraq. What do you think they were?

The real reasons were, number one, oil. That’s the third-biggest oil pool in the world. I mean, can you imagine [Bush’s] oil buddies? They can spend 20 years exploring around the world and they wouldn’t come close to those reserves. And oil always is mixed in not just with economic greed but with geopolitical power in that whole region.

The second reason is personal. He’s a messianic militarist. Somehow, deep in his psyche, he persuaded himself that he was going to be a liberator, that he was an instrument of providence, that he was following God’s will. You wonder now why some of the Islamic peoples of the world think that this is a religious war or a crusade?

And, third, it politically suited him, because he saw that the more he focused on Iraq and connected it implicitly with 9/11 and the safety of the American people and terrorism,

“[Bush] plunged the nation into an unconstitutional war based on a platform of bogus fabrications, deceptions, lies. And the vice president is a chronic prevaricator. It’s all coming out now.”

the more he went up in the polls, the more he chilled the Democratic Party, the more he stifled dissent, the more he distracted attention from the necessities here at home. It’s a big plus for him to be able to distract attention from all these areas where he’s weak and unpopular. And he made his corporate buddies happy with all these contracts. Halliburton, and so on.

So, if you’re sitting in the Oval Office and you’ve got a line through the page and you say, Here are the plusses and here are the minuses [of war], they’re all plusses, from his point of view. They’re not in the American people’s interest, but from his selfish, political, corporate, ideological, messianic, distracting point of view, it works. But the resistance in Iraq is changing this entire equation. He plunged the nation into an unconstitutional war based on a platform of bogus fabrications, deceptions, lies. And the vice president is a chronic prevaricator. It’s all coming out now.

All this is beginning to sour. [People are] getting tired. Every time they see the president, it’s Iraq, it’s terrorism. It’s “stay the course.” When is he ever going to talk about all these other issues? Occupational health? Living wage? Universal health-care? Rebuilding America? It’s beginning to wear thin. Let’s put it this way: He peaked too early. And with increasing resistance and increasing casualties and the fact that now Iraq is a magnet for terrorism … The fact is that, by fighting terrorism in the wrong way, he’s producing more terrorists. He’s turning the country against him.

So what do we do? We’ve got two futures for the people of Iraq. One is permanent military and corporate occupation with a puppet regime. The other is, by the end of the year,

“We’ve got two futures for the people of Iraq. One is permanent military and corporate occupation with a puppet regime. The other is, by the end of the year, we’re out of there.”

we’re out of there. We’re out of their oil industry, and we have installed a democratically elected regime with proper recognition of autonomy for the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds. We have to stay in a phased withdrawal until the end of the year, and we phase into international peacekeeping troops. There’ll be less need for them, because there won’t be anything worth fighting over. What are the insurgents going to be fighting over? The U.S. announced they’re out. Oh, they’ll have skirmishes here and there, but if there’s any chance of cooler heads prevailing among mainstream Iraqis, it’s going to occur without U.S. occupation more than with it.

What about the seemingly intractable dispute between Israelis and Palestinians?

We’ve got huge leverage. We’ve supplied billions of dollars of military and economic aid to Israel. We’ve got a choice: If we want peace, we side with the broad and deep Israeli peace moment that draws on many influential currents Ñ political, military, local politics in the Israeli society. What’s the accord? The two-state solution. Bush has already recognized there should be an independent Palestinian state. But it’s just rhetoric. He’s basically supporting Sharon all the way.

So the U.S. government has got to stand up, think for itself, stop being a puppet to the puppeteer from Tel Aviv. And basically say: This conflict is resolvable. You can live in peace together. You can have a viable Palestinian state in control of air, water, boundaries, with East Jerusalem the capital. [You offer] some compensation for lost, seized properties and dismantling the colonies. You cannot have Israeli-owned highways carving up this little West Bank with Israeli colonies. So that’s the general outline of the proposal. And it’s really interesting that 1,300 Israeli military combat personnel have signed a pledge that they will not fight in the West Bank or Gaza, beyond the 1967 borders. And in that pledge they said that the colonies have, in effect, to be evacuated.

Nader on…

After our interview, Nader had a scheduled stop in Little Rock. But, first, he did what so many visitors to Memphis before him have done. He toured Graceland! He described his reaction to this and other local subjects via cell phone from his car.

ELVIS: Graceland was very impressive. They certainly have the artifacts there. Elvis was very generous. He gave to charities and he never deducted because he wanted it all to be his charity. And all the gold and platinum records. And his downstairs living quarters. You know, most shrines are not as full of people!

I liked his music, like almost everyone else. He was a standard for bringing joy to millions of Americans. I want to set the standard for bringing justice to millions of Americans. He helped a lot of people individually, caring for children. You asked him for help, and he would give. Obviously, he was a man of the people. Glory to the people. Justice to the people. It makes a nice couplet for the quality of living.

SEN. BILL FRIST: I’m very much against his cruel support of legislation that would tie the hands of state judges and juries in serious medical malpractice cases. It would limit in a variety of ways how much a brain-damaged child or a quadriplegic teenager or an adult who was [victimized] by a bad doctor Ñ how much they could get for their pain and suffering. So it’s really quite amazing how relentless he’s been in trying to allow bad doctors to escape their full responsibility in a court of law.

THE FEDEXFORUM: That has soaked up a quarter of a billion dollars, while Memphis schools, clinics, the drinking water system, public transit, and many other public works deteriorate for lack of repair money. It’s going on in ballparks all over the country. It’s one of the most egregious forms of corporate welfare: taxpayer giveaways to billion-dollar professional sports franchises while cities cannot meet the legitimate needs of its people Ñ including amateur recreation facilities for youngsters and adults. The taxpayers are forced to turn into spectators rather than participants. It was not put to a referendum when it should have been. It’s like that in city after city Ñ although there’s growing resistance to it, and it’s not going to be that easy in the future for sports teams to freeload on the taxpayers’ backs.

As president I’d put all public contracts online: city, county, state, and federal government. The Office of Management and Budget has agreed with us on principle. I’m committed. When it comes to sports appeals, the proposal should be put online, so the people can have an input and examine it before the vote. There should be a forum with plenty of time for taxpayers to examine the issue.

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Politics Politics Beat Blog

POLITICS

SEVENFOLD

The crowded field of candidates to succeed outgoing state representative Joe Kent in House district 83 have made a series of appearances together lately.

Seven candidates are seeking the seat. They include six Republicans — Chuck Bates, Brian Kelsey, Mark White, Stan Peppenhorst, Pat Collins, and Charles McDonald — and Democrat Julian Prewitt.

As is usually the case in legislative races — particularly within primaries — differences of opinion tend to be subtle and shaded. Even so, the candidates can be distinguished from each other on the basis of their stated priorities.

Bates, for example, is a less-government conservative with a background in financial management. He advocates both a lower sales tax and even more cost-cutting than Governor Phil Bredesen has pursued. An abortion opponent, he emphasizes social and moral issues more than the others. Having opposed Kent two years ago, he was first in the race this year.

Collins, a retiree, accordingly professes a primary interest in issues affecting senior citizens, stressing the tax, health-care and crime issues. He is especially interested, he says, in efforts to freeze or reduce property-tax levels for seniors.

Kelsey, a lawyer and a Republican activist of long standing, is another by-the-book conservative, calling for state surplus funds to be returned to strapped local governments and viewing with alarm such expenditures as those for planting wildflowers along the interstate.

McDonald, another lawyer with a background in college teaching, is the “angry” candidate, taking special issue with what he considers the “poor quality” of government services across the board.

Peppenhorst, a career teacher, emphasizes health care and education and aspires, he says, to supplant former state Rep. Carol Chumney, now a city council member, as an exponent of child care.

White, a businessman and another former teacher, decries “taxes, taxes, taxes” and favors incentives for small businesses. He says that, as a young man, he took the advice of the late Mayor Henry Loeb to delay his advent in politics until he had built a career in the private sector.

Prewitt, who also has a background in both business and education, is newly declared as a Democrat and considers economic development his primary goal. He says he wants to see “the invisible hand” of the economy at work.

Discussions between the candidates have so far been gentlemanly; that could change as the August 5th primary approaches.

Cross Talk

The long-running feud between Tennessee governor Phil Bredesen and state Senator Steve Cohen, both Democrats, continues to simmer. Speaking at a recent fundraiser for the local Democratic Party at The New Daisy on Beale, Cohen clearly had Bredesen in his sights when, by way of extolling presidential candidate John Kerry, he delivered this blast: “If you want a manager, get a Reagan or a Bush! If you want a leader, get a Democrat. John Kerry is a leader.”

The remark came just after Cohen criticized recent legislation, backed by Bredesen, that reduced maximum benefits under state workers’ compensation codes, and the senator’s use of the word “manager” parroted one of the budget-cutting governor’s favorite self-descriptions.

Cohen and Bredesen were frequently at loggerheads during last year’s deliberations on the means of enacting and managing the state lottery, on behalf of which Cohen had labored 17 years.

Shelby County Commissioner Bruce Thompson argues that his posture in commission debate on county demolition projects was recently mischaracterized by chairman Marilyn Loeffel. Loeffel had made a point of observing Thompson’s absence from the commission’s vote on the measure and suggested that he might have recused himself altogether — on the grounds that Thompson’s wife Jeni works for a high-tech company that would expand into one of the areas vacated by demolition.

Thompson noted that he had requested and received an opinion from county attorney Brian Kuhn advising him that the ordinance involved no potential conflict of interest on his part. Even so, said Thompson, he had abstained both from discussions of the measure and the final vote on it.

Thompson and Loeffel, both Republicans, have frequently clashed on matters of both style and substance.

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wednesday, 23

The Pirates are at the Glass Onion, and now I must go. As always, I really don t care what you do this week, because I don t even know you, and unless you can get the media to give us a lot more in depth information about the reported wedding between Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony (I am spellbound and can t sleep, not really knowing if the multi-talented couple really tied the knot), then I m sure I don t want to meet you. Besides, it s time for me to blow this dump and go listen to some Ray Charles records and mourn the loss of a real legend.

J.B.>

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tuesday, 22

Open Mic Night with David Brookings (one of my new favorite singers) at the Full Moon Club.

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News The Fly-By

STAR MAPS

Authorities had an easy time discovering a field with 150 pot plants growing along the Tennessee and Kentucky state line. It seems detailed maps (marked appropriately with an X) were discovered in the suspected growers vehicle. We re sensing a Hollywood-style business opportunity here.

Plante: How It Looks

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News News Feature

FROM MY SEAT

LET’S GET REAL

Who needs reality television when we have the world of sports? Drama, sex, scandal, surprise finishes, heck, even violence. You keep your Paris, your Idol, your Trump, and your Survivor. I’ll take Paris tennis, Kobe Bryant, the Boss, and the NCAA.

Let’s just review a few recent events that have displayed in all their glory how the sports world, to this day, has never followed a script.

Birdstone edges Smarty Jones to (once again) prevent a Triple Crown. What-stone? Huh?? Smarty Jones was the greatest American hero on four legs since Benji. A wide-angle lens couldn’t find the place horse at the Preakness. And he loses to . . . Birdstone?

A man named Gaston Gaudio wins the French Open. Ranked 44th in the world (unseeded even in this newly expanded world of 32-seed Grand Slam events). Whitewashed in the first set, 6-0. He now has as many Slam titles as last year’s number-one player in the world, Andy Roddick.

The Detroit Pistons chew up the L.A. Lakers and Their Four Hall of Famers over the course of five games (all of which they should have won), and spit them out like expired mouthwash. The first NBA champion without a certified superstar since the 1979 Seattle SuperSonics (remember Jack Sikma, Dennis Johnson, Gus Williams?).

At the U.S. Open, Phil Mickelson — this year’s Great American Golfer — has his second major victory of the year in his clutches, only to collapse on the tournament’s 71st hole and allow South Africa’s Retief Goosen — Mr. Personality himself — to earn his second career American championship. (And what about the continued decline of Tiger Woods, who finished 14 strokes off the pace, tied for 17th with Corey Pavin and a person named Skip Kendall? Has Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major titles ever looked more safe?)

You see, there’s nothing more entertaining than suspense. (Alfred Hitchcock once defined suspense with the following: A couple is enjoying lunch at a sidewalk cafe. A bomb explodes under their table. This is shock. When a viewer KNOWS the bomb is under the table before it explodes . . . suspense.) Reality television will provide man-made suspense (don’t think there aren’t editors chopping and slicing film to give you what you want — need — in the last ten minutes of your favorite show). But with sports, the suspense is a natural, palm-sweating part of the package.

Your baseball team has a two-run lead in the seventh inning, but you do the lineup math and realize the Big Guy (Arod? Bagwell? Pujols? Bonds?) will bat again, at least in the ninth. Suspense.

Your favorite underdog has a three stroke lead entering play on Sunday, but you see three names within five shots who have won multiple majors. Suspense.

Your precious NBA outfit has handled their inferior opponent for forty minutes, but your go-to guy fouls out with eight minutes to play . . . and only a 10-point lead. Suspense.

Do you like scandal? Sex? For the first (each?), prime season is the fall, when college football seizes the weekend, and your next over-the-top, postgame fraternity party in which one quarterback or another finds his fist attacked by some over-served freshman’s face. Or the next booster care package arrives on the porch of a recruit just as the NCAA’s often sleepy watchdogs decide to pay attention.

And if you think there’s no sex in sports, for the love of Pete, tune in. Kobe Bryant’s trial for sexual assault this summer is sure to be as lurid and I-can’t-turn-away titillating as any Paris Hilton video. And to think this trial is a peripheral story in Lakerland! Will Shaq be traded? Who’s wooing Kobe today? Will Karl Malone retire? Who’s their next coach? That Colorado jury’s verdict may well be a subhead.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has his own “reality” show this summer, so tune in if you must. I’ll assure you though, that series will present half the drama of Cuban’s day-job pursuit of Shaq Daddy and a championship for his basketball team. The remote control is all yours . . . just leave me the sports page.

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monday, 21

Never heard them, but any band named The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza has to be good. They are at the Caravan tonight with Psyopus, Nights Like These, and A Just War.

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News News Feature

WEBRANT

AN IMMODEST PROPOSAL

In the environs of Lake Woe is Me(mphis), all tax increases are “modest,” all spending cuts are “severe” and politicians not up for reelection use “only” in front of words like “ten million dollars” at an above average rate. But when incumbents are shaking hands and kissing babies, not a discouraging word is heard about taxes or spending.

They talk about their experience in office and ask us to trust them for another term. They spend mounds of money to buy ad space and airtime to detail the successful programs they have overseen. But one thing they do not talk about is the limits of government and more importantly, the limits of government spending. Neither do their opponents because voters donÕt elect people who tell them what theyÕre not going to get. Nobody ever comes to power by promising too little.

Recent op-ed space was provided by The Commercial Appeal to our county mayor, sheriff and district attorney to publish earnest requests to keep their budgets intact. Other public officials have joined the refrain with their equally heartfelt pleas. All imply that chaos will reign in the streets if these “essential” services are so much as nicked in the imminent budgetectomy.

This is not an attack on Misters Wharton, Luttrell and Gibbons with whom I became acquainted in 2002 when I ran for the state legislature. They are ethical and devoted public servants. Nor is this an anti-government diatribe.

Although I ran on the GOP ticket, I am not the kind of Republican who thinks that the only good gubmint is a dead gubmint. I like to remind even the most ardent opponents of a centralized bureaucracy, that the U.S. military, inarguably the finest fighting force in the world, is run by the same government they so despise.

\And I have no doubt that these men sincerely believe that everything they do is vital. But so does every politician who cannot fathom that taxpayers might actually tire of being held hostage by veiled public sector threats that without more money, the sky will fall.

There is, however, a legitimate limit to what can be provided by government. There is also a limit to what can be demanded of taxpayers. A wish list by elected officials that contains more and more “essential” services every year cannot co-exist with a growing resistance on the part of citizens to bankroll SantaÕs groaning bag of goodies every budget season. It is impossible to make every boy and girl constituent happy.

A couple of centuries ago, the British political philosopher Edmund Burke opined that taxes are what we pay to live in a civilized society. A couple of decades ago, the American political satirist P.J. OÕRourke quipped that giving money to government is like handing your car keys and a bottle of bourbon to a teenage boy. Neither man is wrong.

It is na•ve to believe that self-preservation at all costs is the sole province of the public sector. Anyone who has worked in corporate America will testify that managers throughout the ranks will do what it takes to protect their turf and never voluntarily reduce staff or cut spending. They do this because no department in an organization wants to be the one to suffer personnel cutbacks.

Why? Because the more people a division has, the bigger the budget. The bigger the budget, the greater the salary and personal power. The greater the personal power, the more dynamic the career of the manager in question. So, expecting the average executive in any organization to watch over someone elseÕs money is like asking Michael Jackson to babysit.

But a major difference between the public and private sectors is that a manager at Proctor and Gamble doesnÕt get to argue that without more marketing dollars for Tide detergent, the world will collapse under the weight of all that dirt. Cataclysm is the rhetorical stock and trade of government and crime and education are the favorite Chicken Little declarations. This budgetary season is no different.

So I have some suggestions that might work to take this out of the hands of those who cannot, for reasons of absolute subjectivity, manage to find even a penny to cut.

1. Determine how much of the budget must be eliminated to bring us back to the last time we operated in the black. Adjust this for inflation. This is the new budget maximum.

2. Calculate what percentage this reduction represents.

3. Demand that every division, including the executive branch, reduce personnel by this percentage across the job position spectrum; that is from the lowest ranks right up to hizzonerÕs staff.

4. Freeze these numbers at this level for a minimum of five years, at which time an increase would have to be presented at public forums and then voted on by the electorate. We read all the time about the gains in productivity created by technology and the many jobs that have been rendered obsolete. Funny how jobs never seem to disappear in the public sector.

5. Eliminate pay raises of any type until we are operating with a surplus and in the meantime permanently remove any automatic ways to increase pay across the board. Give employees raises if they do more each year with the same resources. Companies across America operate this way, having not only to eliminate raises to remain viable, but to reduce salaries in many instances. Two years ago, the company for whom I now work enacted a 10% pay cut across the board, including the president.

6. Eliminate COLAs. See above.

7. Increase the government workday by thirty minutes, with no additional pay. This ought to minimize the need for additional positions in the future. All salaried people in the private sector work when our bosses tell us with no regard to the clock, only to what must be done. We are not compensated for this. If we comply, we get to keep our jobs.

8. Require that all elected officials be employed in the private sector for at least ten consecutive years before they are eligible for public office. This would instill respect for the real world in ways that cannot be communicated except through experience. A majority of elected officials have spent most, if not all of their professional lives deriving monetary benefit, either in whole or in part, from the public sector.

9. Create a rotating board of unpaid citizens from all walks of life to oversee all government budgetsÑnone of these citizens can be nominated or chosen by elected officials. If they serve, they cannot benefit in any way from their tenure or ever run for office. This creates legitimate obstacles to an entrenched bureaucracy conferring its spoils on citizens for gain at a later time.

10. Assess a fine for any public official who uses the word “only” in front of a number followed by the words “million dollars” in the same sentence and deduct this from his salaryÑthe fine to be equivalent to the percentage by which he seeks to justify the increase.

OÕRourke likes to say that God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat because God is a rather demanding being who insists on accountability. Santa Claus, on the other hand, might make a list and even check it twice, but seldom distinguishes between the naughty and the nice. ItÕs time for government to realize that there is no Santa Claus.

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THE WEATHERS REPORT

LITTLE DEATHS

This year, bowing to terrorist threats, our government will voluntarily execute 889 airline passengers. They will kill approximately the same number next year and every year after that.

This fact has not been in the newspapers. Neither the Democrats nor the Republicans have brought it up in Washington. It is the hidden death toll of 9/11.

No one has acknowledged this death toll, because it is purely mathematical. Nevertheless, in this summer travel season, such deaths should be taken seriously.

This is how I figure it:

There are expected to be 600 million passengers on U.S. airlines this year. Because of what happened on September 11, 2001, those passengers are now being asked to arrive at the airport for their flights at least one hour earlier than they used to. In addition, passengers must now stand in longer lines at ticket counters and at security check-ins. The average wait at a ticket counter for a U.S. airline is now about 22 minutes; the average wait at a security check-in, 14 minutes. (I thought it was longer, too, but that is the official number determined last year by the federal government.) That 36 minutes of waiting on lines is, by my unofficial estimate, about 20 minutes longer than it was before 9/11.

Thus, each traveler on an American airline now gives the terrorists 1 hour and 20 minutes of his life each time he flies. But experience tells me that at smaller airports, passengers do not arrive two hours early, nor do they stand in lines quite so long. So for simplicity’s sake, let’s estimate that, because of 9/11, each time a passenger flies on an American airline, he now spends an extra one hour of his life just waiting around.

This means that each year, our government now requires passengers on U.S. airlines to give 600 million life-hours to the terrorists.

The average life expectancy in the United States is approximately 77 years (less for men, more for women). At 365 days per year, 24 hours per day, plus 19 extra days for Leap Years, that adds up to 674,976 hours in the average American’s lifetime.

Therefore, if we give 600 million life-hours annually to the terrorists because of increased security at airports, that is the equivalent of giving them 889 lives each year.

889 lives. That’s the annual death toll our country has accepted in exchange for increased security at our airports.

And that, of course, is just at the airports. It doesn’t count the lives we give the terrorists on our roads, our bridges, our trains, our subways, and at immigration checkpoints. It also doesn’t count the times the system shuts down because a child has left her fuzzy pink backpack unattended by a trash can at LaGuardia.

In this sense, then, the terrorists are forcing us to kill American citizens by the hundreds each year.

But of course, you say, these Americans aren’t really dead. They can still come home to their spouses and children. They can still go to ballgames and read great novels. This “death toll” is just a mathematical sophistry.

Well, yes and no. It depends.

Are we Americans really alive when we wait sullenly in a security line, taking off our shoes, emptying our pockets, waiting, waiting, for the humiliation of being wanded? Are we really alive when we sit staring mindlessly into space or yelling at our restless children in the waiting area at our departure gate? Is the child really alive who spends those waiting hours poking at his GameBoy or listening bored to her portable CD player? How alive are we when we are “living” long minutes doing nothing–or at least nothing that we would otherwise wish to do?

To paraphrase Stephen Sondheim: “Every day a little death, in the traffic, at the gate.”

But there is a solution. In the face of this loss of life, we Americans should do two things:

1) We should demand that our government keep this toll of “little” deaths in mind when they consider future security measures. No new measures should be passed that further erode our lives.

2) We should demand of ourselves that we do not waste our hours of waiting. We must do everything we can to live, as we stand at the ticket counter or shuffle our way toward the security gate.

This summer, as you travel, live deep, even as you wait for your plane or idle in traffic. Talk to a fellow passenger. Ask him what he does, or ask her where she’s going. Make a friend while you wait, even if it’s only for a few minutes. If that friend is a member of your own family, all the better.

Or, if you’re not the talk-to-a-stranger type, read a book worth reading–one that will make the rest of your life a little more alive. Really listen to that CD–let the music work its way deep into you, so the soundtrack for the rest of your life is a little more profound and uplifting than it would otherwise have been.

If you don’t want to read or listen or talk, then just stand there and try to be extra alive. Put all your senses to work. Look at all the milling life around you; see what a work it is, its colors, its shapes, the dance of it. Listen to the voices; go ahead, eavesdrop on the glorious babble of conversation all around you. Taste the air, or chew a piece of gum you’ve never had before. Smell the salt of that kid’s pretzel, and the odd scent of that traveler’s cologne. Heck, touch the chrome of the stanchion that’s keeping you in line and be shocked by how cool and smooth and, in its own way, how beautiful it is.

This summer as you travel, disarm the terrorists. Snatch back your life. Make the wait itself worth waiting for.

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sunday, 20

Jazzoid is at the Blue Monkey Midtown tonight. And there s an Operation Treats for Troops Benefit featuring Foghat at the New Daisy.