Categories
News The Fly-By

BURKAS FOR BAPTISTS

A woman should examine her motives and goals for the way she dresses. Is her intent to show the grace and beauty of womanhood? Is it to reveal a humble heart devoted to worshiping God? Or is it to call attention to herself and flaunt her beauty? Or worse, to attempt to lure men sexually? These questions are attributed to uber-preacher and suspected male John MacArthur in a document titled Modesty Check, which was recently distributed in the ladies room of a prominent Germantown church. Modesty Check provides a handy set of guidelines for the modern woman who needs constant reassurance that the F in her F– me pumps stands for forgive. It s a concise how-to-dress manual for ladies who don t wish to spend eternity up to their necks in boiling monkey urine, orally pleasuring the devil s pet porcupine. Some choice excerpts from this charming text:

  • A word on purse straps: How could a purse possibly be a modesty concern? When you are wearing the strap across your chest. Regardless of the shirt you ve got on, this accentuates your chest and creates a temptation for men.
  • If I m wearing a button-down top, I need to turn sideways and move around to see if there are any gaping holes that expose my chest. If there are, I ve got to grab the sewing box and pin between the buttons.
  • Am I wearing a spagheti-strap, halter top, or see-through blouse? Not even pins will fix this problem! Most guys find these very unhelpful. It s time to go back to the closet.
  • I also have to turn around to see if what I m wearing is too tight around my derriere, or if the outline of my underwear shows. If so, I know what I have to do!
  • And for my shorts … If I see too much leg, I need a longer pair.
  • And don t forget — this all applies to formal wear as well. And ladies, if you absolutely must have your favorite Bible quotation tattooed somewhere on your body, it should never be on the chest or the derriere. The elbow is widely considered to be the driest, least-lascivious body part, perfectly suited for shorter verses, like, Jesus wept.

    Plante: How It Looks

  • Categories
    We Recommend We Recommend

    thursday, 5

    Here we go again with the Catholics. Well, not all of the Catholics, of course, but some of the church s main dudes. Yep, dudes. You ve probably read that the Vatican just released a 37-page report denouncing feminism they are just now getting around to this? because they are afraid that feminism endangers family values. To their credit, their big report does suggest that society make it easier for women to work and raise children all at the same time, as if women have not been doing that for thousands of years. But the great thing about the report is that it says the more similarities there are between men and women, the greater the chance of homosexuality practically taking over the world. Uh, yes, the Catholics are worried about women causing homosexuality. Uh, the Catholics are worried about women causing homosexuality. Uh, the Catholics are worried about women causing homosexuality. Uh, the Catholics are worried about women causing homosexuality. And the dudes at the Vatican are really against women becoming priests. Would someone please give me a break? I think the last thing the Vatican needs to be worried about is women and homosexuality. They might want to start by stopping covering up the deeds in which many of their own priests are involved. I d say that s much more of a threat regarding homosexuality than anything that might come about if a woman became a priest. Of course, one of the main reasons the Vatican releases its little report is that our little president went over to see the Pope in June and asked him to pump up the volume on family values and the horrifying threat of same sex marriage ending the world so it would become more of an issue that his little right wing conservative base could gnaw on closer to election time. Yes, our little man in charge using religion to help keep him head of state. Pretty desperate. I guess these past three-plus years in office have been almost as difficult for him as the three years he spent in second grade. And just what it is with the world and women? Why has this country been around for more than 200 years and we have never had a woman as president or vice president? Doesn t that seem just a little bit ridiculous and backward? Think we would have all this war and destruction and crooked White House administrations if we had a good woman at the helm? No. I don t think we would. If I weren t currently of the opinion that we need to switch to a dictatorship with Al Sharpton as the man, I would definitely want the commander in chief to be a woman. And speaking of Al Sharpton, the only speader at the National Democratic Convention who had the guts to go off, could someone explain the reasoning behind the attire of the delegates at said gathering? I know it is some kind of tradition to dress funny at those things, but come on. The sombreros and sequined top hats and goofy pins and every other bizarre fashion statement known to mankind. These are the people deciding who will be the official Democratic candidate? It looked like a COGIC convention on acid. And we wonder why other countries question our political system? I wish everyone would just take a hit of ecstasy and calm down. In the meantime, here s a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week.

    Tonight, the Sunset Atop the Madison Series party on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel features lives music by FreeWorld. Jim & The Unknowns are at the Full Moon Club upstairs from Zinnie s East. And Mouse Rocket and The Starvations are at Young Avenue Deli.

    Categories
    News News Feature

    CITY BEAT

    LIES, DAMN LIES, ETC.

    Suddenly everyone’s into numbers.

    Mayor Herenton started the latest round by proposing to withdraw Memphis tax support for public schools. SInce then, members of the Shelby County Commission and the city and county school boards have struggled to balance their budgets while claiming, in so many words, that residents of Memphis and Shelby County are being taxed to the breaking point.

    Are they? Dramatic statements make great quotes and sound bites, but just how high are taxes in Memphis and Shelby County?

    The breaking point, of course, varies from one person and one family to another. What can be compared with reasonable accuracy, however, is the tax burden and cost of living in Memphis and other cities. The findings are surprising, as this little true-false test shows. Thanks to Larry Henson, part-time geography instructor and full-time ace researcher at the Memphis Regional Chamber of Commerce, for supplying the numbers.

    “Standardizing local taxes is the absolute, hardest thing on the planet to do,” he said. On the other hand, “our taxes here are blessedly simple” because there are relatively few exemptions and hidden taxes.

    With those thoughts in mind, away we go.

    Tennessee is a low-tax state. True, mainly because there is no state income tax. The federal government pays for a nationwide comparison of taxes in Washington D.C. and the largest city in each of the 50 states, which Henson said is widely used. A handout distributed by the school administration at the Memphis Board of Education meeting this week claimed that Memphis has “the fifth-lowest tax burden in the United States.” Studies like the one Henson uses back this up. Memphis ranks either 44th or 46th for tax burden on a family of four with income of $50,000 to $150,000. There is a major exception, however. The tax burden is greater on poor people. When low-income households are compared, Memphis ranks 30th in the same survey.

    You want low taxes? Move to Wyoming, Nevada, Alaska, or South Dakota. High taxes no problem? Try New York, New Jersey, or Pennsylvania.

    Well-to-do people get a tax break in Memphis. True. The more you make, the more you benefit from the tax structure in Memphis and Tennessee. At $100,000 in family income, a Memphis family pays $5,847 in property, sales, and auto taxes, compared to $8,427 in Birmingham, $9,050 in Jackson, and $11,550 in Atlanta. Again, the kicker is the lack of a state income tax. Mississippi has a 5-percent state income tax, and Arkansas has a 7-percent state income tax.

    Poor people are screwed by the current tax system. True. It’s called regressive taxation, meaning over-reliance on the sales tax and gasoline taxes. Poor people pay a greater percentage of their disposable income on such things. Many other states exempt food and clothing from sales tax, but without a state income tax, “we can’t afford to,” said Henson. The sales tax rate is 9.25 percent in Memphis and Shelby County, compared to 7 percent in DeSoto County and 5.13 percent in Crittenden County, Arkansas. The last Tennessee governor who tried to do something about this was Don Sundquist, a Republican. He failed and was shunned by his own party.

    Memphis has relatively low property taxes. False. Depending on income level, Memphis ranks near the middle of that survey of the biggest city in each state. Our property taxes are higher than those in Birmingham, Nashville, Denver, Charlotte, Washington D.C., and Louisville, among others.

    People are fleeing Memphis for low-tax Mississippi. False, at least as far as tax comparisons are concerned. It is true that compared to Southaven, Memphis has higher property taxes. The owner of a $150,000 home pays $2,726 in Memphis and $1,898 in Southaven. But the overall tax picture favors Memphis. Mississippi has the highest auto taxes in the country, plus that 5-percent state income tax. At every income level, Memphians pay lower total taxes than residents of Jackson, Mississippi’s biggest city.

    Memphis has higher taxes than other cities in Shelby County and neighboring counties in Tennessee. True. The combined city and county property tax rate in Memphis is $7.27, while the next highest municipality is Germantown at $5.79. The lowest rates are in Covington in Tipton County ($3.87) and Somerville in Fayette County ($2.38). If you live in Tipton County, as Henson does, you have to figure the cost of commuting, which in his case takes him about 45 minutes each way.

    Memphis has a low cost of living. True. The chamber calculates the cost of 59 consumer goods and services in different cities across the country. Memphis is lower than the metropolitan average and lower than all but two other cities surveyed, Knoxville and Jonesboro, Arkansas. But the difference between Memphis and other southern cities is small. In fact, all of them are lower than the national average. The most expensive places to live are New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles, and no city in the South is even close.

    This stuff matters. True. Granted it’s his livelihood, but Henson said numbers make a difference early in the game when Memphis is competing against other cities for new businesses. “The first part of a site sale is data driven,” he said. The impact on individuals is harder to measure. Homebuyers probably aren’t running around with surveys and calculators, but an annual tax burden of $5,847 in Memphis compared to, say, $9,419 in Little Rock could well be a consideration for a family of four with $100,000 annual income.

    Henson’s personal view is that flight from urban problems is less of a factor for Memphis than the positive attractions of green spaces and bigger lots in the neighboring counties. Whether they’re in northern Mississippi or Tennessee, employers don’t care because “they’re all using the same work force.”

    Categories
    News News Feature

    FROM MY SEAT

    DOG DAYS AHEAD

    When it comes to sports, the month of August is a 31-day, overheated, undernourished clunker. Simply too much of too little, if you ask me. Less variety, fewer big events, and far less drama than any of her 11 sisters in the Gregorian calendar. Far too weak a month to have been named after Augustus Caesar.

    Don’t think that a month doesn’t have a sports personality. April is a fantastic sports month, with the opening of baseball season, the Final Four (both of them!), the Masters, and the start of the NBA and NHL playoffs. February — 28 days of chill and all — is a terrific sports month, with the Daytona 500, three big-league All-Star games, and, here in Memphis, our own pro tennis stop at The Racquet Club. But August? Let’s take a look at the sorry lineup.

    This month, we have the weak sister of golf’s four majors: the PGA Championship. On the subject of inanimate personality, this event has absolutely none. No historic (and controversial) golf course, no tradition of the toughest holes in the sport, no beaches, wind, and gorse through which to fight on your way to an ancient and hallowed trophy. The title is even bland. As a gauge of the nation’s collective shrug over the PGA Championship, you might consider PGA winners have made the cover of Sports Illustrated exactly three times over the last twenty years (John Daly in 1991 and Tiger Woods twice). Over the same period, Masters winners have been featured 10 times, U.S. Open champs eight.

    Major league baseball players have long referred to August as their “dog days,” a period after the All-Star Game, but before the pennant races really escalate in September. The days are long, tempers run short, and there’s the inevitable adjustment period for contenders who have acquired new talent at the July 31 trade deadline. The most passionate of baseball fans merely wants his team to survive August and reach the longer shadows of September.

    Among the sleepy choices for August sports entertainment, one enterprise stands above (below?) the others. You know where I’m going: preseason football. There is no emptier spectacle in all of sports than NFL games that don’t count. It’s bad enough that these contests — every team plays at least four — are decided by third-string quarterbacks and what amounts to “walk-on” defensive backs begging for a roster spot. It’s borderline offensive that the NFL actually charges admission to these scrimmages-in-uniform. The players don’t care. The coaches don’t care. The only real intrigue is in hoping your team’s stars can avoid injury during their eight plays on the field. If you’re that desperate for football in August, there is a solution: the CFL. Find a satellite company that will allow a Canadian channel or two and you can follow the pursuit of the Grey Cup by the likes of the Edmonton Eskimos and Toronto Argonauts north of the border. The NFL should play exactly one preseason “game,” its exhibition in Canton, Ohio, to celebrate the Hall of Fame’s newest inductees. As for the rest, I’d rather watch reality television.

    August does have a few teasers. The U.S. Open tennis championship begins late this month . . . but alas, its final glorious weekend is played in September. College football camps open, and every sportswriter from Portland to Portland has a Top 25 and Heisman pick. Bless the NCAA powers that be for at least one thing: no preseason games. As for the Olympic Games in Athens, I’ll be holding my breath with anxiety more than rooting for any individual or team in competition.

    Personally, I have a silver lining to the “cloudy” days of August. My wife’s interest in sports can best be described as tolerant. (She LOVES the two days sandwiching baseball’s All-Star Game.) She understands there are dates throughout the calendar when a family outing is simply not possible. Heck, she knows there are dates when a family dinner is not possible. She’s a champion in ways no athlete can be measured, and a good fan when called to duty for Sunday trips to AutoZone Park. And she may be the best explanation I have for this month’s sports lineup. My wife’s birthday? August 11th.