Categories
Music Record Reviews

Southern Livin’-The Billy Gibson Band

The Billy Gibson Band wants to bring horny back. According to their new album, Southern Livin’ is all about ATV-riding, fishing, and drinking ice-cold beer with “real-hot chicks.” That last is tantamount to a mission statement. With Southern Livin’, the band channels Clarence Carter. But where Carter’s raunch works because it’s stated mirthfully yet plainly, Gibson et al. couch the bawdry in sincere and clunker metaphors that never get off the ground. The album isn’t all hound-dog revelry, though, as the begging “One More Time” from last year’s Billy Gibson Band is turned into the complaint “Too Many Times.” Gibson is a magnificent harmonica player and a charismatic performer, and guitarist David Bowen and keyboardist Charlie Wood can hold their own with anyone on Beale, but Southern Livin’ isn’t the right vehicle for them. — GA

Grade: C

Categories
Music Music Features

A Blues Farewell

A career that spanned nearly 50 years ground to a halt on Friday, November 24th, when 69-year-old guitarist Wordie Perkins died of complications following a heart attack. While Perkins was famous among fans of Memphis juke joints such as Green’s Lounge and The Blue Worm, few of the late-night revelers knew that he also held down a steady day job as a truck driver for decades. A rhythmic player who favored an E-flat minor tuning, Perkins held down guitar duties in The Fieldstones, first at The J&J Lounge, then at Green’s. After a fire gutted that club in the late 1990s, the group was homeless, performing at the Center for Southern Folklore, at house parties, and in one-off gigs around town, until Betty Jack and Clinton Gibson opened the Blue Worm on Airways Boulevard a few years later.

Although — after the death of bassist Lois Brown and the forced retirement of drummer Joe Hicks and keyboardist Bobby Carnes, due to health problems — Perkins was the last remaining original member of the Fieldstones, with the addition of brothers James and Harold Bonner and longtime vocalists Will Roy Sanders and Little Applewhite, the group has proven to be a major force on the local scene. Albums such as Memphis Blues Today! and Mud Island Blues, cut by Grammy Award-winning ethnomusicologist David Evans of the University of Memphis, brought legions of tourists to the tiny juke joints on the south side of town over the last several years.

Last weekend, local label Inside Sounds and entrepreneur/tour guide Tad Pierson held a send-off for Perkins — and a benefit for Jack and Gibson, who are trying to keep their business afloat — at the Blue Worm, with performances from organist Charlie Wood, harp player Billy Gibson, Fieldstones veteran Daddy Mack Orr, the Bonner brothers, and resident singer Country Girl.

Memphis Roots

White Station High School graduate Andrew VanWyngarden (son of Flyer editor Bruce VanWyngarden) had a lot to be grateful for this Thanksgiving — starting with a six-figure deal with entertainment conglomerate Sony/Columbia

Records. A former member of popular local jam band Accidental Mersh, VanWyngarden co-founded college rock duo MGMT with Ben Goldwasser and recorded an EP that prompted U2 producer Steve Lilywhite to hand-pick the group for a four-record deal. (Check out MGMT’s sounds via their indie-label site, www.CantoraRecords.com.) VanWyngarden and Goldwasser, who currently live in Brooklyn, expect to enter the recording studio to begin cutting their major-label debut soon.

Fans of former Flyer scribe Gilbert Garcia, now a reporter at the San Antonio Current, can check out his latest project, Madison, recorded with the band Mea Culpa at Ardent Studios with bassist Adam Hill engineering. Pick up the eight-song CD at Cat’s Music or download it on iTunes.

For decades, Home Sweet Home — an album by Ardent’s first engineer, Terry Manning, who now runs Compass Point Studios in the Bahamas — has garnered big bucks from collectors of Memphis music. British label Sunbeam Records just reissued the psych-pop classic on CD, with bonus tracks that include covers of the garage-rock nugget “Talk Talk” and Ann Peebles‘ “I Can’t Stand the Rain.” Grab copies of the imported disc at Goner Records.

Longtime local drummer Kurt Ruleman now resides in Nashville, but that hasn’t stopped him from returning to Memphis to record with Lucero bassist John C. Stubblefield and local transplants Lahna Deering and Rev. Neil Down. The quartet cut the ethereal rocker “Prophets of Doom”(included on Wounded Dove, a compilation CD recently released by the Alaskan Veterans for Peace), at Sun Studios along with several other tracks, which will be issued on a forthcoming EP called Rough Cut. While Juneau, Alaska, ex-pats Deering and Down currently call Memphis home, they spend more time on the road than they do in the Bluff City. For now, check out www.MySpace.com/DeeringAndDown for their new songs and keep your fingers crossed for a local gig soon.

Categories
Book Features Books

Rescue Effort

“[T]he ignorance of this lordly and insolent oligarchy is equaled only by its ineffable baseness.”

So said Horace Maynard, a legislator from East Tennessee as the Civil War entered its final year. Maynard was referring to the “fire-eaters,” a group of Southern businessmen and power brokers who had argued during the 1850s for secession in a growing ideological (and financial) battle against the North.

Here is one way the fire-eaters won that battle but lost the war:

In 1858, a richly outfitted racing yacht on the registry of the New York Yacht Club, a vessel called the Wanderer, served as the last ship to transport Africans to America as slaves — despite the fact that such capture and shipment of slaves to the U.S. had been outlawed in 1818. The voyage of the Wanderer and the subsequent trial in Savannah of the ship’s crew (and by association, its backers) galvanized the country, just as the voyage was designed to do by the fire-eaters, with states’-rights proponents in the South pitted against abolitionist forces in the North. Secession, which had not had a solid footing in the South, quickly gained that footing.

The full and fascinating story is told in The Wanderer: The Last American Slave Ship and the Conspiracy That Set Its Sails (St. Martin’s Press) by Erik Calonius, former London-based correspondent for The Wall Street Journal, former Miami bureau chief for Newsweek, and, at the beginning of his journalism career in the late 1970s, former managing editor of Memphis magazine, the Flyer‘s sister publication.

If the story of the Wanderer is news to you, it was news to Calonius as well. As he writes in his author’s note, Calonius was visiting the museum on Jekyll Island, Georgia (where the Wanderer made land after its trip across the Atlantic and up the Congo) when he saw the ship reproduced in a painting. The museum caption read:

“In 1858 … the Wanderer delivered a cargo of African slaves to the coast of Jekyll. This action caused a scandal, and charges were brought against many people, including the ship’s crew and its owner, Charles Lamar of Savannah. All of the defendants were found innocent, or charges against them were dropped.” End of caption. But no end to Calonius’ curiosity.

“There was an advantage in not being an expert on the Civil War,” Calonius said in a recent interview from his home in Orlando. “It meant I was open to anything — the accounts of slave captains, for instance, or even in 1858, the idea that New York City was a center of the African slave trade.

“I grew up on Long Island, and while everything boils down to a cliche, up North you learn that the North was against slavery and the South was for it. One side was good; one side was bad. But once you realize how involved the North was, not only in the slave trade but also skimming money off the work of slaves, you realize nobody was innocent.

“I also learned that there was a tremendous amount of reluctance on the part of the South to support secession. But there was a radical movement … a laughable lot. No one had respect for [the fire-eaters] 10 years before the war, and yet, somehow they took hold of the agenda. Through intimidation and use of the press as a bully pulpit, they were able to pull it off.”

The lesson taught, according to Calonius: “A group of extremists can take over and overwhelm the will of an unfocused and weak majority.” You’re welcome to draw your own contemporary conclusions.

No question, though, that Calonius has brought this underreported, at times shocking story to vivid life, and for that you have his reporting skills to thank and the freedom granted to him by his publisher.

“I had a good journalism background, but I had to overcome it,” Calonius admitted. “Working for The Wall Street Journal, I had to be extremely accurate. They pound accuracy into you. In the first draft of The Wanderer, I could have gone before the Supreme Court and argued every fact. When I turned the book in to the publisher, however, they liked it but thought it was too dry. They gave me license to use the creative side of my brain, to bring the scenes to life. But I still stayed true to the facts.”

Not the least of those facts: the horrendous conditions suffered by the slaves on a hidden second deck of the Wanderer during its transatlantic trip — conditions that allowed the ship’s 487 men, women, and children a space 12 inches in width, 18 inches in height, and less than five feet in length per person. This on a ship that, before its arrival on the west coast of Africa, featured Belgian carpets, linen tablecloths, and a library of leather-bound books. Eighty of those Africans were to die before the ship reached the U.S.

Among the Africans who survived was a man who took the name Ward Lee. His descendants eventually traveled north — to Brooklyn, then to Long Island. By the 1980s, Lee’s descendants included teachers and lawyers, and his great-great-granddaughters became widely recognized. You knew them on billboards as the Doublemint Gum Twins.

And what of the fire-eaters? As Calonius observed, “Once the Civil War started, none of them ascended to any position of power.”

And as for the New York Yacht Club? “It’s odd,” Calonius said. “My publisher did send them some material on the book, but they didn’t respond at all. It’s a history they don’t like to mention. Maybe they’ll step forward.”

Jekyll Island and Savannah already have. The state of Georgia recently announced a memorial to the Wanderer to be erected on Jekyll Island, and in Savannah, a walking tour of sites connected with the Wanderer is set to be in place next spring.

Erik Calonius has reason to be proud to have brought this troubling chapter in American history again to light. Readers have reason to learn from it.

Categories
Food & Wine Food & Drink

In Their Cups

Ugly Mug Coffee started out in 1998 as a coffee shop near the intersection of Poplar and Highland, a gathering place for University of Memphis students. Back then, the shop was known for its free refills and for the fact that patrons could bring their own coffee mugs. Co-founders Mark Ottinger and Tim Burleson like to joke that the idea for the Ugly Mug’s name came from either Mark or Tim (depending on who’s telling the story) having such an ugly mug. The real story is that one day a customer walked into the shop, looked at the hundreds of mugs on the wall, and said, “That wall is full of ugly mugs.” The name stuck.  

In its early years of operation, Ugly Mug was more about the place — and supporting the local student community — than the coffee. But when Burleson and Ottinger were forced to make a choice between roasting their own coffee and keeping the shop open, they made the tough decision to close their retail operation. From that point forward, the pair dedicated themselves to getting the best-quality coffee for their customers and to buying only certified fair-trade coffee.   

At the time, Burleson had no idea how complicated the roasting business would be — as complex as brewing beer or producing a good bottle of wine. He and Ottinger visited various coffee plantations, where they tasted a lot of bad coffee and discovered that each country has its own grading system, based on bean size, altitude at which the coffee is grown, color, moisture, and taste. To complicate things even more, the coffee-roasting process is as tricky as choosing the beans. Through the three stages of roasting, during which the beans turn from green to yellow to light brown to dark brown, some 1,200 chemical compounds are changed in ways that augment the flavor, acidity, aftertaste, and body of the coffee. And that’s all in just 10 to 20 minutes. 

Ugly Mug launched its first full line of fair-trade, organic coffee in September 2002. In the beginning, the company didn’t do much in terms of marketing. The theory was, if they taste it, they will come. The company got the word out through local craft shows, Junior League shows, any venue where Ugly Mug could get people to try its coffee. Slowly but surely, the strategy worked: In 2003, Ugly Mug caught on with local grocers such as Miss Cordelia’s and Square Foods, and in March 2004, the coffee company landed its first major grocery store, Schnucks. A few months later, the business formed an agreement with the Memphis Grizzlies and the FedExForum to sell its coffee at the arena. And in October 2005, Ugly Mug made its first push to introduce its coffee outside the Mid-South, going to trade shows in 30 cities in just six weeks. It now sells to every state on the eastern seaboard, in addition to Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, and — of course — Tennessee. 

Ugly Mug’s latest endeavor is its Elvis coffee, introduced in November 2005. For now, Elvis coffee includes just four limited-edition holiday blends. In the works are a Limited Edition Elvis Collector’s Series, Elvis hot chocolate, and an Elvis house blend. The coffee has garnered fans from all over the country — and the world. Just after the release of the Elvis coffee, Ugly Mug received more than 100 voice-mail messages, some in German, Japanese, and French. To date, the company has sent out shipments to all 50 states and 20 countries.

Now that the company is more established, Burleson says he and Ottinger hope to open another shop. It’s all about timing, he says. In the meantime, the easiest way to get your Ugly Mug fix is to have it delivered directly to your door — no taxes, no shipping fees. All coffee is roasted to order, which means the beans haven’t been sitting around for more than three or four days. 

For additional information about Ugly Mug coffee — including some quirky profiles of the company’s staff members — go to www.uglymugcoffee.com.

Categories
Food & Wine Food & Drink

On a Roll

Rising Roll Gourmet, a family-owned, Atlanta-based franchise, recently opened its first location in the Memphis area. The upscale deli has received high marks in past editions of Zagat for its gourmet sandwiches.

Started in Atlanta in 1996 as Uptown Gourmet Sandwich Company, owners Jeff and Bob Weiss soon realized they had struck a chord with customers who appreciated good, affordable food that was made fresh every day at a place with an “at home” atmosphere.

The food at Rising Roll is based mainly on family recipes, and while they provide a large selection of healthy and nutritious meals, they also have an indulgent side. Healthy options include the California Turkey sandwich (with oven-roasted turkey, guacamole, provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo), the Garden Salad, and the Original Veggie. Then there are combinations such as the Killer Bleu Turkey (a turkey sandwich with crumbled blue cheese, bacon, tomatoes, and Thousand Island dressing), Roast Pork Caliente (with aged Wisconsin Farm’s Cheddar and Roma mozzarella, creamy horseradish sauce, and double-smoked bacon), and the Spicy Crab (a crab cake topped with chipotle mayonnaise, pepper jack, and coleslaw). Bread choices include seven-grain, Swiss and Romano, rye, sourdough, French, croissants, and flavored wraps. To top it off, there’s a changing variety of Killer Cookies.

Rising Roll is open Monday through Saturday, 10:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Rising Roll Gourmet, 7730 Wolf River Blvd. (737-8600)

Petra is an archaeological site in Jordan. It lies in a basin among the mountains that form the eastern flank of Wadi Araba, the great valley running from the Dead Sea to the Gulf of Aqaba. Petra is famous for having many stone structures carved into the rock, and it lent its name to a local restaurant: Petra Café on Poplar in Collierville. (Not to be confused with Petra on Madison Avenue in Memphis. The two restaurants are not affiliated.)

“We serve Mediterranean food, which means there are many influences — Greek, Italian, Turkish, Middle Eastern, all that,” says Lisa Douba, wife of Jamal Douba, owner of Petra Café.

Petra offers gyros, falafel, one of the city’s largest panini selections (including three vegetarian paninis and a zesty gyro panini), freshly made hummus, and tabbouleh. If that seems familiar, it’s no coincidence. Jamal Douba isn’t a novice in the restaurant business. He used to own Sadde’s on Poplar, located a couple blocks west of Highland in the space that’s now Raffe’s Deli. (Al Sakan, Raffe’s owner, is Douba’s cousin.)

“Jamal wanted a restaurant where people could stay to eat and enjoy their meal, and Sadde’s was a convenience-store deli,” says Lisa Douba. “So just over five years ago, we decided to open Petra Café in the Wolfchase area.”

Petra has since moved to Collierville, and the Doubas plan to open a second location in Germantown at 6641 Poplar early next year.

Although the tables are set with white tablecloths, the atmosphere is laid-back. For lunch, the restaurant serves an extensive selection of sandwiches, muffulletas, salads, and the like. Dinner brings a variety of lamb entrees and seafood dishes such as seared halibut, and kabobs. Diners are welcome to bring a bottle of wine; the restaurant currently doesn’t charge a corkage fee but is in the process of applying for a wine license.

Petra Café is open Monday through Thursday, 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. and 5 to 8 p.m., and on Friday and Saturday for dinner only, 5 to 9 p.m.

Petra Café, 2140 Poplar, Collierville (853-3521)

If you’d like to try something new this holiday season and give candy instead of cookies to your friends and family, Mary Carter, Cake Decorating and Supply Center, has you covered. The store will offer a free candy-making class on Sunday, December 10th, from 2 to 4 p.m. No reservations are required, and you can bring a friend.

Mary Carter, 3205 Summer (452-1233)

siba@gmx.com

Categories
Film Features Film/TV

Rancid

Mel Gibson’s new film, Apocalypto, is a rancid salmagundi that mixes the Raiders of the Lost Ark trilogy, The Fugitive, and the Three Stooges into one of the most punishing movie experiences of the year. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being held down by older siblings while they dangle ropes of spittle above your forehead.

Gibson’s intentions are suspicious immediately. After a solemn Will Durant quotation about conquered societies that destroy themselves before outsiders come to destroy them — is Gibson trying to justify the rapacity and savagery of the European explorers by showing us that the New World’s original inhabitants were nasty too? — Apocalypto‘s opening scenes depict the everyday lives of a peaceful, jocular tribe who live and hunt among the bright green foliage of the Mexican jungle. Alas, their peaceful existence is interrupted by a sneak attack from a vicious warrior army, which captures the villagers and sells them as slaves. The film’s hero is the villager-turned-prisoner Jaguar Paw, who risks certain death and narrative plausibility countless times as he tries to return home to his wife and son, whom he has hidden in a well near the ashes of his former village.

As a human drama, Apocalypto is shallow even by the standards of the most calculating blockbuster. Fear is a weakness, and revenge is the only sustenance a starving prisoner needs. As an adventure story, the film is contrived at best and ludicrous at worst. How many starving prisoners can outrun a jaguar in the jungle? As a historical epic and anthropological inquiry, the film is a disgrace. To pick one example, the so-called Mayan sacrificial rituals are actually much closer to Aztec practices. Gibson’s inattention to such cultural differences is consistent with the still-shameful history of American adventure-film casting, where the word “Indian” means “savage” or “person in a loincloth” or, at the very least “someone with reddish-brown skin.” But maybe audiences don’t want cultural knowledge or historical understanding. Judging from the financial success of Gibson’s previous film, The Passion of the Christ, maybe all they want are troughs and troughs of gore, often filmed in shocking close-up and hammered home with as many sinew-splitting and bone-crunching sound effects as possible.

Let’s start with the animal-based brutality: A tapir is impaled on a gruesome trap, a mother uses insect heads to cauterize a son’s wound, small animals are tortured by heartless city children, a woman beats a monkey to death, and a jaguar is speared by some angry savages. Gibson also lingers on the human atrocities with psychotic concentration: A man’s temple is cut to reduce the swelling from a blow to the head, a man crashes into the rocks beneath a waterfall, and a jaguar (remember him?) gnaws a hunter’s face off. There are throat-slittings, disembowelments, beheadings, organs ripped steaming from victims, you name it. Oh, and the tapir-trap gag is reprised as well. Either this catalog of atrocities will thrill you or disgust you; I was disgusted and then bitterly bemused by the onslaught of Gibson’s brutalities.

From any perspective, Apocalypto is a work of staggering incompetence.

Apocalypto

Opening Friday, December 8th

Multiple locations

Categories
Film Features Film/TV

The awful truth about The Holiday: average.

There are, sadly, still so few women directors consistently turning out feature films that Nancy Meyers is considered an auteur. Meyers, who made her name in the 1980s as the screenwriter for comedy hits Private Benjamin and Baby Boom, has, in this decade, moved behind the camera for a series of indistinct, pandering, but still successful romantic comedies, starting with the high-concept Mel Gibson vehicle What Women Want (2000) and continuing with the Jack Nicholson/Diane Keaton-pairing Something’s Gotta Give (2003). That The Holiday is the best of the bunch just shows you what happens when you resist the urge to cast the egomaniacal likes of Gibson and Nicholson as rom-com leading men.

The Holiday, which Meyers also scripted, is based on a solid genre premise: London journalist Iris (Kate Winslet), a sad-sack Bridget Jones, and Los Angeles film-trailer director Amanda (Cameron Diaz), a sunny California girl, are both dealing with bad breakups and want to get out of town for the holidays. They find each other on a house-swap Web site and decide to switch cities for a couple of weeks. In England, Amanda meets and falls for Iris’ foxy brother Graham (Jude Law). In California, Iris strikes up a promising friendship with film composer Miles (Jack Black).

But, despite a fruitful set-up, flaws are abundant, starting with some class-bound real-estate porn familiar from Meyers’ previous films. Meyers incorporates lots of rhyming across her parallel storylines, and much of it works: Amanda is incapable of crying; Iris can’t stop. One particularly witty visual motif is the same stack of untouched book-club faves (The Corrections, The Kite Runner) languishing on a nightstand in each house. But Meyers falls flat in having each heroine totally rock out, dude, to predictable but out-of-character modern-rock hits that happen to come on the radio. Diaz has made similar moments of silly comic abandon work before (charming us by dancing in her Underoos in the otherwise worthless Charlie’s Angels, for instance), but she just looks silly squealing like a schoolgirl at the sound of the Killers’ “Mr. Brightside.” And when Winslet is forced to play one-woman-air-band to Jet’s “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” you just feel sorry for her.

A recurring bit where a booming film-trailer voice-over analyzes Amanda’s life almost sinks the movie, but The Holiday ends up working despite these hurdles. Diaz struggles early, but for the most part the leads acquit themselves well, particularly the Brits. And Law, surprisingly, steals the movie with juicy line readings.

Jack Black doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time. Iris’ real companion for much of her trip is a retired, Oscar-winning screenwriter who gives her a list of classic romantic comedies to see, which has Iris raving about Irene Dunne and The Lady Eve and watching His Girl Friday with Miles.

Meyers gets points for acknowledging the greats, and if the references lead even one unknowing viewer to the video store, it’s worth it. But this bit also comes off as more than a little self-congratulatory. Citing the classics doesn’t put you in their company, and while Meyers’ movie is okay, it sure ain’t The Awful Truth.

The Holiday

Opening Friday, December 8th

Multiple locations

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

The Rant

It was with great good fortune that I got to spend Thanksgiving near Boca Grande, a beautiful island off the Florida coast. Granted, it’s nowhere near the Galapagos Islands, but all the wildlife here still makes one think of the wonders of nature and man’s relationship to it.

Boca Grande (also called “Gasparilla” Island, which loosely translated means light-skinned and very rich) is overrun with iguanas, which are nasty-looking lizards. They eat plant life and hang around people’s homes looking really, really ugly. This problem all started with some crazy rich lady on the island who decided to raise a few of these nasty docile creatures as pets. I guess she thought they were cute. It’s the same way Kevin Federline got to Malibu.

The unfortunate thing about nature is that the most vile creatures tend to breed at an alarming rate, and again I reference Kevin Federline’s short two-baby marriage to Britney Spears. The iguanas of Boca Grande are also apparently going at it like rabbits, and now they are all over the island. In response, the residents voted to hire a trapper and other pest-riddance entrepreneurs to kill the iguanas in hopes of slowing their population growth. I saw one of these trapper guys in downtown Boca Grande, and I had to go talk to him. The one thing I have learned on this earth is if you get a chance to talk to a gent who chases varmints for a living, you just have to stop what you are doing and savor the moment.

Indeed, I knew we would get along as soon as I read the sign on his 10-year-old truck which advertises that he is both an animal trapper and a taxidermist. You would not think these two skills would be transferable, but this guy is a modern-day Renaissance man. I jokingly asked him if there was anything that he would not mount. He, in a clearly much rehearsed but still self-amused manner, said, “Well, I would never mount a man’s wife, unless, of course, she is game!”

After that, I felt like I had to buy the guy a beer at a local haunt called the Temptation. And, if you can imagine this, the trapper-taxidermist really likes to drink. After explaining to me the events leading up to about 17 of his 25 scars, we discussed how the Animal Rights Foundation of Florida (ARFF) and PETA (which I think stands for People Entirely Too Angst-y) have come to the island to fight the slaughter of innocent iguanas. The island residents and PETA differ in their approach to this. Islanders want to capture and freeze the iguanas at the cost of $20 per lizard. PETA, on the other hand, wants to capture, provide housing, union job training, and food stamps for the lizards until they can register them as Democratic voters.

This issue brings to light the classic paradox of wealthy human families. The Economic Engine who made the money to afford the beach house is usually tough and conservative. Next in the life cycle come the soft and often directionless kids who were sent to liberal schools and stand for everything their parents don’t. These offspring find silly causes to demonstrate the compassion they think their parents lack. It’s a case of biting the hand that feeds them — if only they ate meat.

My conversation with the trapper continued. I asked him about various animals and how they behaved. It was like watching an Animal Channel documentary produced by Playboy. Most of his insight into animals tended to focus on their mating habits, much like the articles in People magazine.

He told me of a recent study that determined that male apes seek out the oldest female they can find to mate with. We both were confounded by this. Yet, on the bright side, it is the strongest evidence yet that modern man did not evolve from apes.

Human women are attracted to different traits in males than female apes are. Fortunately for males on Boca Grande, chief among those traits are a boat and a beach house. There is no recorded history of female gorillas being attracted to male gorillas for this reason, if you do not count Maria Shriver.

My suggestion for the islanders to rid themselves of the iguanas in short order would be to send free bus fare to some good-ole-boy hunters from my home state of Tennessee and put them up at the Gasparilla Inn for a few days. Not only would the island be lizard-free, it would soon be PETA-activist-free as well.

Ron Hart is a columnist and investor in Atlanta. He worked for Goldman Sachs and was appointed to the Tennessee Board of Regents by Lamar Alexander. His e-mail: RevRon10@aol.com.

Categories
News

Help Find Vaginica Seaman

Look, folks, all we do is report the insanity. We couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried to. There’s a new Website in Great Britain devoted to finding David Gest’s Memphis maid, Vaginica Seaman.

You may remember, a couple weeks back, that we reported the London Sun had called the Flyer offices asking us to send a reporter to Gest’s riverbluff house to talk to his maid and verify her name. Due to the long-distance connection and the incomprehensible British accent on the other end, our reporter thought they said his maid’s name was “Vagina.”

But no, it’s Vaginica. And they’re still looking for her.

Categories
News

Lisa Marie Presley is a Helpful Mom

Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, Riley Keough, is apparently dating singer (and Ashlee Simpson ex) Ryan Cabrera. But in pictures posted on PerezHilton.com, mother Lisa Marie gets into the act, too. Lisa Marie strokes Riley’s hair — or maybe she’s moving it out of the way of her mouth — as Riley and Cabrera make out. Check out the pic.