I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a know-it-all — especially when it comes to telling others what’s in their best interest. Friends come whining to me for advice about their pathetic love lives, their hopeless roommate situations, their financial woes, whatever. I open my big mouth about how to solve these problems, and when they stick to my advice, the situation improves. Never fails. When they stray from my advice, and everything goes to crap, I’m the first to say, “Told you so.”
In this space, I extend my services beyond my close-knit inner circle. Let me know what’s plaguing you. It can be anything — cheating husband, unruly cats, stubborn mildew stains. I’ll offer my sage advice. Just e-mail me at bphillips@memphisflyer.com, and I’ll choose one each Tuesday. I know what’s in your best interest. Trust me. Don’t make me say, “I told you so.”
Dear Bianca,
I got totally wasted on whiskey shots at a party last weekend. I think I may have blacked out because I don’t remember anything after leaving the party. Apparently, I told my designated driver/roommate a huge secret that I wasn’t supposed to repeat. It was in regard to another friend of ours. Let’s just call her Brianna. Of course, my tattletale DD went straight to Brianna and told her what I’d said. She’s so pissed at me now. How I can re-kindle my friendship with Brianna? What should I do about the big-mouthed roommate? And how can I learn to keep my freakin’ trap shut when I’m drunk?
Sincerely,
Mouth of the South
Dear Mouth,
At least you had a DD. After all, this situation could have been way, way worse if you’d tried to drive yourself home in your disgraceful drunken state. Drinkers can’t be choosers when it comes to finding a safe ride home.
That being said, you should note that being drunk gives you a free pass to tell secrets and do all sorts of forbidden things that would never fly in Sober-land. In my own experience, I’ve found that telling someone you were drunk when such-and-such embarrassing or contemptible event happened usually leaves more room for understanding and apology on the part of the victim. But then again, all my friends are drunken losers, so they tend be a little more sympathetic in those situations.
If Brianna is not a big drinker, you might need to work a little harder for her forgiveness. Tell her your deepest, darkest secret and then give her permission to tell anyone she wants. It may ruin your life, but hey, she’ll probably be friends with you again. And isn’t that what you wanted? You might as well even the playing field.
As for the big-mouthed designated driver/roomie, make a mental note to never, ever tell this person anything juicy again. Every time you see him or her (which may be several times a day since s/he’ss your roommate), just imagine their head is a huge mouth. I’d suggest the mouth from The Rocky Horror Picture Show logo for a nice, mental image. But you could always go with a traditional Rolling Stones version if that’s more your style.
Whatever image you choose, you’ll eventually begin to associate this person with blabby characteristics … even when you’re drunk. In fact, I’d advise you try this exercise with all the gossip queens you know. That should also solve the problem about learning to keep your mouth shut when drunk. It’s all about conditioning the mind.
A teetotaler prude would probably just suggest you stop drinking to solve all of these problems. But that’d be no fun. And that would make me, heavy drinker that I am, a hypocrite. So keep drinking and start picturing those mouth images. Cheers!