Month: October 2010

Dear Bianca,

I recently befriended a woman with very low self-esteem. We met at a party, and though she was there with her boyfriend, she seemed all alone. He was talking with friends in another room while she sat by herself on a couch. She seemed shy and withdrawn. So I approached her to be friendly. She was quiet, as I expected, but when we really got to talking, she seemed to open up. We have a lot in common, and she seemed grateful for another woman to talk to.

Since we hit it off, we made plans to hang out again. And then again and again. That was several months ago, and now we’re close girlfriends. But after getting to know her better, I’ve realized that she really doesn’t think much of herself. I’m her only friend besides her boyfriend. He seems like a nice guy, but he doesn’t understand what’s driving her lack of self-confidence.

She’s smart, attractive, and really talented. She paints and writes music, and she’s funny when she opens up. Yet she’s constantly apologizing for her presence. Every other phrase is “I’m sorry.” But she has nothing to be sorry for. I want to help her understand her self-worth, but I don’t know where to start.

— Ego Booster

Dear Ego Booster,

You’ve already taken the first step in improving this woman’s self-confidence by befriending her. Often people with higher self-esteem are turned off by people who seem down on themselves or too eager to impress. They seem sad or desperate and most people don’t want that burden. But you’re the bigger person here. You’re willing to take some of your own time to help a fragile, broken spirit. That’s huge.

I’m no therapist, but it would seem likely that a person’s low self-esteem could be driven by past events. Maybe she was raised in a broken home with unloving parents. Maybe she suffered physical or verbal abuse from someone.

You don’t want to come out and say, “Hey, were you, like, abused or something?” That’s tacky. Hopefully, she’ll open up to you as you grow closer. Then again, she may have repressed those bad memories and never, ever want to speak of them. Let her make the decision to open up to you at her own pace.

Even if she never tells you how she got the way she is, you can still do a few simple things to help boost her self-confidence. Compliment her often but only when you mean it. Be sure to let know when you think she looks hot or when you like her artwork. Include her in group outings with your other friends. But if you have any mean friends (I know I have lots!), either ask them to stay at home or warn them to be nice. This way, she can feel like a part of a group and possibly make some friends.

Finally, when she apologizes for doing nothing, make sure you always point out that she doesn’t need to be sorry for anything. Emphasize that the only things to ever be sorry for are things you’ve done wrong, and just existing is not wrong … at least for most people (kidding!).

Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com

In the last few weeks, you may have heard about the various campaigns that have started up to combat teen bullying — particularly of LGBT youth — in the wake of several suicides.

Best I can tell, it all started with columnist and activist Dan Savage’s It Gets Better Project, a YouTube channel comprised of testimonials encouraging young people to persevere through painful times.

The submissions accumulated quickly from all quarters, including videos from the cast of Wicked currently performing at the Orpheum here in Memphis, President Barack Obama, and Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson.

Bishop Robinson’s video is particularly poignant since the only real opposition to LGBT rights — and the only support for LGBT teen bullying — comes from the religious right.

Another Episcopal Bishop, John Shelby Spong, has since posted a Manifesto*. It begins…

I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility.

and continues…

I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that “we love the sinner but hate the sin.” That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement.

The struggle of moderate Christians against the small but vocal fringes is one I’m familiar with.

When I was in high school, I was active in the youth leadership of my church (Christian Church, Disciples of Christ). One summer, I attended a national conference in Kansas City along with some other youth leaders from Arkansas. The main item on the docket was the issue of LGBT ministers. But the issue wasn’t whether there could be LGBT ministers, but how to deal with intolerance within congregations. There was never any question of whether or not an LGBT individual could serve.

The first morning of the conference, we looked out the windows of the convention center and saw that we were being protested. There was a small crowd out on the corner with signs quoting Leviticus. There were children with signs saying “God Hates Fags” and worse. This was my first (and thankfully only) personal encounter with Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

I couldn’t fathom that anyone would protest a church conference. My emotions ran the gamut from shock to anger to sadness, even a bit of titillation that we were somehow controversial.

Luckily, my fellow convention-goers had a more clear-headed response. They went outside and sang to the protesters. Loudly.

Some went out and bought sidewalk chalk. When the protesters left at the end of the day, they went outside and covered the street corner in Bible verses espousing love and acceptance.

Though I’m no longer affiliated with a church, I still have a lot of respect for the church in which I was raised, largely due to the events of that weekend. I was — and still am — proud to be involved with fellow humans willing to publicly stand against bigotry and hatred, especially coming from people supposedly on the same “side.”

That message is now gaining strength through leaders like Bishops Spong and Robinson. If you call yourself a Christian and are tired of being tarred with the brush of intolerance and bigotry, it’s time to stop talking the talk and… well, you know the rest.

(* First read here.)