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The Brexit Show at Midtown Crossing

We’ve heard a lot about the perils of Brexit — aka Britain’s exit from the European Union — aka the EU. We’ve witnessed the market’s response and watched as the U.K. bubbled over with nearly instant buyer’s remorse. But there are other Brexit consequences nobody’s talking about. Like how the word Brexit kicks open the door for buzzy portmanteaus that might someday rival annoying acronyms. To address Brexit’s impact on Memphis comedy in ways the MSM can’t or won’t, the Bluff City’s own Comma, Comma, Comma, Comma, Comma Comedians have created the Brexit Show, a free comedy event at Midtown Crossing Grill.

Punctuation- and pop-culture-inspired comics Mark Brimble, Sammy Anzer, Will Loden, and Hunter Sandlin are bringing together funny folk of both British and American extraction for competition and debate. An audience survey at the end of the night may very well determine the fate of English comedy in Memphis.

Brimble says there are two British comics in Memphis. “John Simmons and I,” he says. “We’re both very distressed about the whole Brexit situation so we thought we’d make light of it with our friends in the Memphis comedy scene.”

The show will include lectern speeches, a British football club cheer competition, and Brimble saying things like, “Barnes and Noble managed to close Borders, it’s time for British comics to do the same!”

Debate moderator Will Loden promises impartiality. “Think of a redneck Wolf Blitzer with better suspenders,” he’s been quoted as saying.

Entry is free, but Brimble keeps a Gofundme account for St. Jude and turns his comedy performances into donation opportunities.

The Brexit Show at Midtown Crossing Grill Thursday, July 7th, 7:30 p.m. Free.

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Cover Feature News

This Summer in Memphis Music

The Memphis music scene is smokin’ hot this summer, from the summer series at the Levitt Shell to nationally known artists rolling through local venues such as Minglewood Hall, the New Daisy, Live at the Garden, and the Hi-Tone, to name a few. Tons of Memphis artists are releasing new music this summer, and local labels like Goner, Archer, and BAA are putting out some of the best music the local scene has seen in years. It all adds up to a great summer of Memphis music.

Where To Rock
When Andria Brown stopped being a booking agent, she wanted to continue to throw shows but host them in an unconventional space. After a venue couldn’t be secured for songwriter David Wilcox, Brown decided to just book him in her backyard.

“David playing in my yard was the start of it. Once that happened, more options came up, and suddenly I was booking shows in people’s houses all over town,” Brown said.

Folk All Y’all —the name of Brown’s DIY booking company — usually takes place once a month in various private venues from East Memphis to downtown. Seating is limited and the shows are technically private, but anyone wanting in on the fun can join the Folk All Y’all email newsletter.

“We generally book shows all year. I planned on taking the summer off, but opportunities came up. We’ve got a few concerts happening, but I try to do only one show a month for my own sanity,” Brown said.

The next Folk All Y’all event features Cory Branan on Sunday, July 10th, but as with every Folk All Y’all event, you must RSVP online to receive an invitation to the location.

The Memphis Slim House is another place hosting unconventional concerts, often times creating unlikely collaborations between musicians who are members of the clubhouse/organization. Organizer Tonya Dyson said that the shows at the Memphis Slim House serve a dual purpose.

“We give free entertainment to the neighborhood, but we also give an outlet for our members to share original work,” Dyson said.

“A lot of the collaborations that happen here lead to musicians being on each other’s albums, which is awesome to see happen in real-time.”

Upcoming concerts at the Memphis Slim House include a performance by Adajyo on July 30th and a Brennan Villines show on Saturday, August 27th.

One of the newest additions to the “new” New Daisy is the creation of Daisyland, a late-night hot spot for fans of EDM and everything under the electronic music umbrella. Hosted by JJ Wilson and DJ Tree, Daisyland is much more than an excuse to show off the amazing sound and light system in the Daisy, as premiere EDM artists like Borgeous and NGHTMRE have stopped through the Beale Street venue. The next Daisyland event brings GETTER to town on Saturday, August 13th.

Justin Fox Burks

Southern Avenue

Who To See & What to Buy
If you were only going to go to one concert this summer, Southern Avenue would be the band to catch. Led by Ori Naftaly and the captivating voice of Tierinii Jackson, Southern Avenue is simply the best band in Memphis right now. Jackson commands the stage like a modern Tina Turner, Naftaly lays down soul riffs like he was born to play them, and the rhythm section of Daniel McKee and Tikyra Jackson supply the backbone for some of the coolest music to come out of Memphis in years. Shortly after playing two crowd-pleasing sets at Lafayette’s Music Room last Thursday, Tierinii Jackson told me that the audience is what makes Southern Avenue shows so special.

“I just love playing at home. I don’t know the audience personally — I recognize some faces — but they provide such a good vibe and give such a warm reception that it makes my performance so much better,” Jackson said.

Like so many soul musicians, Tierinii and her sister Tikyra grew up playing music in church, honing their skills in praise bands before hitting the local music circuit.

“I’d say my biggest inspiration comes from church, but I also am really inspired by Michael Jackson and Marvin Gaye. Really just any singer that’s extremely soulful,” Jackson said.

When Naftaly’s former band was in its final stages, he approached Jackson about starting a new group. Both sisters were interested but said they wouldn’t be able to do it without bass virtuoso McKee. Jackson said that McKee was reluctant to join at first, but he soon realized the potential the band had.

The notion that Southern Avenue is still unsigned is puzzling, but Jackson is confident things will change soon. After releasing an EP, Southern Avenue has been approached by a handful of label owners, so the band has decided to stop distributing the EP until they have financial backing from a label.

“We are in negotiations with a few different labels, and we’re hoping to have a new album out sometime early next year,” Jackson says.

Another band worth your attention this summer is NOTS, the all-female Memphis punk band that’s taking the world by storm since releasing 2014’s We Are NOTS on Goner Records. The band has toured Europe twice and played big-time festivals like Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, and, most recently, got a spot on the legendary Riot Fest in Chicago, performing on the same day as some guy called Morrissey.

NOTS have a new album coming in September, and you can bet that we are one of many publications eager to get an advance copy. The group plays the Hi-Tone Saturday, July 23rd on a bill with Hartle Road from Columbus, Mississippi. With NOTS’ prolific tour schedule, it might be your only chance to check out the band locally for a while.

The University of Memphis doesn’t have a reputation as a hotbed for local music, but don’t tell that to the Band CAMINO, a group made up of U of M students that recently played Beale Street Music Fest. The band has been gaining buzz on the strength of their EP, My Thoughts on You, and a debut album is currently in production. Singer Jeffery Jordan has a voice that commands attention, and juggling being full-time rockers and full-time students might not be a problem for much longer, if the band’s reach keeps growing.

Faith Evans Ruch

Memphis Music Summer Releases
Summer is the prime time to release an album, EP, or single, and there is plenty of new music coming from some of the city’s best acts. Here’s a run down on the new tunes you need to blast harder than the air conditioning in your car.

Faith Evans Ruch is releasing a cover of the Nancy Sinatra classic “Bang Bang” on Friday, July 22nd, and drummer Ryan Peel joins Ruch on the track, marking the first of a few collaborations the duo have in store. Mark Edgar Stuart also has a new single coming out titled “Don’t Blame Jesus,” which becomes available Sunday, July 10th when Stuart plays a release show at Lafayette’s Music Room.

Archer Records recently recorded a John Kilzer show at Otherlands, and that record should be available in multiple formats soon. Amy LaVere is currently working on a new album, and Chris Milam just wrapped up a Daytrotter session that should drop sometime this month. Faux Killas recently released the quirky Time in Between album, and Deering and Down are getting ready to drop Know Rhyme Know Reason on BAA Records, after teasing the release for nearly a year.

The Sheiks are currently mixing new tracks with local record engineer Andrew McCalla, and singer/heart-throb Brennan Villines is also dropping a single in August before he releases an EP this fall. In addition to all that, rapper Cities Aviv promises that new music is on the way, and newish band Mister Adams dropped the seemingly made-for-summer record, To Drift Is Human. Rapper Tyke T also recently finished his latest album C’est La Vie, and it’ll drop at the end of August. Aquarian Blood also have a debut album coming on Goner Records, which means a lead-off single should be out in no time.

Brennan Villines

Shows and Festivals
The Levitt Shell Summer Series wraps up this month, but there are still plenty of shows worth checking out before the season ends, including Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings on Saturday, July 9th, and locals Snowglobe on Friday, July 29th.

The second annual FOMOfest is scheduled for Saturday, August 6th, and festival organizer James Sposto has a killer lineup planned, including Marcella & Her Lovers, Southern Avenue, Ex-Cult, Zigadoo Moneyclips, Devil Train, Frenchie, Brian Hawkins’ Blues Party, the Incredible Hook, and Jack O and the Sheiks. That’s a whole lot of local music in one place, not to mention the Fuel food truck and local beer. Sposto said the goal of the festival is to expose the audience to the many different genres of local music.

“FOMOfest is a celebration of local independent music designed to bring you up-and-coming as well as established acts tied to our fair city,” Sposto said. “Our mission is to broaden exposure of the diverse talent emanating from and inspired by Memphis, and give Memphians a way to experience it all in one day, in one place.”

Rock for Love is also right around the corner, and this year’s headliners include Graham Winchester, Amy LaVere, Dead Soldiers, Jack Oblivian, and Star and Micey. A few weeks after that, the almighty Gonerfest returns, and this year’s highlights include Power, the World, Savoy Motel, plus semi-locals Reigning Sound. Tickets are on sale now, but you’ve got plenty of time to purchase them as the festival takes place on the last weekend in September.

Keep your eyes and ears open, Memphis music fans. Summer’s here, and the time is right.

Mark Edgar Stuart

Your Memphis Summer Playlist
13 Memphis classics to help you beat the heat.

Willie Mitchell “Groovin” This Willie Mitchell classic is perfect for any summer occasion, and you might recognize it as a sample from the classic GZA album, Liquid Swords. GZA is cool and all, but this song screams Memphis, and I recommend listening to it at maximum volume while enjoying a cocktail. This is classy party music, not “how many beers can I shotgun before this song ends?” party music.

Jack Oblivian and the Sheiks — “La Chara” Crank this instant classic from Jack Oblivian and the Sheiks, and bust out that bottle of tequila. Graham Winchester wouldn’t have it any other way. As I’ve written before, this is a late-night album for late-night freaks, so proceed with caution. I’m not responsible for the consequences.

Project Pat — “Gold Shine” This one is a no-brainer. Nothing says summer time like blasting Project Pat with the windows down, no matter what kind of car you’re working with.

The Barbaras — “Summer Time Road” Another no-brainer, but this one should bring back memories of partying at the Buccaneer, specifically the insane fireworks displays and the after-hours shenanigans that took place. We miss the Barbaras, but they left us this perfect summer jammer before calling it quits.

Jay Reatard — “Don’t Let Him Come Back” Jay Reatard wasn’t exactly an upbeat songwriter, but this track oozes summer-time appeal. Originally by the Go-Betweens, this song is essential JR and should be turned up loud, because, let’s admit it, Jay lived at full volume.

Three 6 Mafia — “Da Summa” If there is one song that you must listen to on this list, it’s this Three 6 Mafia track. I’m not even going to tell you why. Just do it. Now.

Dog Police — “Dog Police” The perfect song for the dog park or the summer costume party. Better yet, blast it on the way to Hollywood Feed, and let your dog sing along.

Memphis Legs —”You Won’t Get Me” Sing this classic from the Eric Oblivian catalog on your way out of the office on Friday afternoon. Most of the songs on this album are actually ’60s garage classics, which might explain the bad-assness of that guitar riff. Memphis Legs might be on the obscure side, but track down this record and try to tell me that the whole thing doesn’t rip.

King Louie and the Loose Diamonds — “Girl in the Holler” The riff on “Girl in the Holler” is classic Memphis twang, and one of King Louie’s finest moments.

Chickasaw Mound — “Loneliness is Golden” I know, I know, I have been on team Chickasaw Mound for quite some time, but I’m going to drive the point home once again. Chickasaw Mound is a killer band. Jesse Davis has a killer voice. This song will make you cry tears of joy.

Cities Aviv — “Melanin Drop” This song marks a change in Cities Aviv’s already complex sound, but it’s also one of his strongest singles to date. One of the only songs from this artist that makes me think of summer. “Melanin Drop” is a beast of a song, and Pitchfork seems to agree, recently awarding the tune Best New Track.

Reigning Sound — “Never Coming Home” Reigning Sound could have had 10 tracks on this playlist, but that just wouldn’t be fair. “Never Coming Home” is off their Merge Records debut, and while it’s a pretty sad song, I recommend using the song title as motivation for when you drive to the beach, river, lake, or, um, bar? Nobody wants to leave once a vacation is over. Let this song make you more bummed out about returning to normal life.

Big Star — “September Gurls” We end this playlist with a song about the end of summer, but the party doesn’t have to end, really. While it’s one of Big Star’s most-known hits, “September Gurls” is popular for a reason. Bonus points if you look up the Carbonas cover of this track — also well worth a listen.

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News News Blog

On the Scene at the Anime Blues Con

Thousands gathered for the annual gaming and cosplay convention. 

Photographer Frank Chin was there … 

[slideshow-1]

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Film/TV Film/TV/Etc. Blog

The Fantastic Worlds of Memphis Filmmaker Rachel Taylor

Memphis director Rachel Taylor has a vision. “I want to create worlds,” she says. “I want to be a part of creating something that other people can explore and keep exploring, even after the movie experience.”
Where many young independent filmmakers concentrate on telling small scale stories that don’t need special effects or elaborate costumes, Taylor has pursued a different path.“I have always seen the world through fantastical lenses,” she says. “I was kinda different growing up. I loved getting lost inside stories. Those are stories you can get lost in over and over again. You can get immersed inside of them.” 

Haley Parker as Lulu in the trailer for Rachel Taylor’s short film ‘Solus’.

Taylor’s short film “Avarice” took three years to make with the help of Piano Man Pictures and Timid Monster, and combined impressive, home-brewed CGI effects with a story of supernatural redemption. Now, Taylor is crowdfunding an ambitious follow-up. “Solus” is a Victorian ghost story. It’s about a girl who came to a house in the underworld. Only when she finds the most valuable soul can she be released from the house and go into the underworld to find her father, who is being held captive there for an accidental murder that she caused. It’s a big project. I finally figured out how to put it into a 20 minute story. The themes are so big, and the world is so big, but the story is actually pretty simple.”

Taylor had a successful crowdfunding campaign for her last film, so she decided to go all-in for this one. “We raised money for the post production end. This is the first time I’ve tried to raise money for a movie in pre-production.”

Taylor’s team for “Solus” includes Haley Parker, a talented young actress who starred in “Avarice” and in G. B. Shannon’s “Fresh Skweezed”; as well as actors Joseph Carr and Syderek Watson. The director of photography is Stephen Hildreth, and producer Brighid Wheeler. “I’ve got a huge art team,” Taylor says. “We’re building a Victorian hallway from scratch. And we’re also constructing a river of blood. We’re researching new kinds of blood that have never been used before.”

Taylor is currently looking for crowdfunding support at Seed and Spark. “I want to keep reaching for the stars. It’s not worth it otherwise,” she says.

Here’s the trailer for “Solus”:

The Fantastic Worlds of Memphis Filmmaker Rachel Taylor (2)

Here’s Taylor’s short fantasy film “Avarice”:

The Fantastic Worlds of Memphis Filmmaker Rachel Taylor

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Food & Drink Hungry Memphis

Flyer Cocktail Hour: Staff Samples New-to-Memphis Vodkas

Two new vodka brands — LEAF Vodka and Khortytsa — are area available in Memphis by way of Athens Distributing.

A representative for the companies shipped the Flyer staff some samples to review, so on Friday afternoon, we had a little office cocktail hour. What can we say? Journalism is hard work, but somebody has to do it.

I tried the LEAF Vodka mixed with locally made (and incredibly spicy) Nikki’s Hot Ass Bloody Mary Mix. LEAF is made with Rocky Mountain mineral water, which the company claims lends the vodka “a warm and savory impression.” I’ve no idea what a warm and savory impression tastes like, but I can attest that this vodka is incredibly smooth. LEAF might be best enjoyed in a vodka martini, where nothing could come between its flavor and your mouth.

The Nikki’s mix is great, but it’s spiciness does tend to mask delicate flavors, meaning Nikki’s is ideal for mixing with just about any vodka — high- or low-end. LEAF Vodka retails for about $19 for a 750mL bottle, a decent price for a vodka this good. Bonus: It’s certified USDA organic.

Flyer reporter Chris Davis also had a bloody mary, and he said the LEAF Vodka “made my bloody merry.” Reporter Toby Sells, who had his LEAF mixed with Simply Lemonade, said “I could hardly taste it, which means it was good vodka.”

Next up was the Khortytsa vodka, an import from the Ukraine. They sent us their Platinum Vodka and their Honey Hot Pepper Vodka. Apparently, Khortytsa is the third biggest seller of vodka in the world, but they’re just starting to enter the U.S. market. The Khortytsa (pronounced Hor-Ti-Tsa) Distillery was named among the world’s best distilleries at the 2014 New York International Spirits Competition. From the press release: “It uses a local organic filter containing schungite (a unique natural mineral) which allows it to get as close as possible to the structure of natural water. The filtration process is further enhanced with special birch and alder-tree charcoal and quartz sand sourced near the famous Crystal Mountains of the Urals near Yekaterinburg, Russia.”

But how does it taste? I sampled the Platinum straight up, and it was smooth sailing. I could seriously just drink this stuff on the rocks (with a little water mixed in, of course). 

I didn’t try the Honey Hot Pepper because, as a vegan, I don’t consume products that contain honey. And while we weren’t entirely sure if the honey was just an added flavor or actually in the product, I didn’t take a chance. However, a few other staffers tried it, and there were mixed reviews.

Managing editor Susan Ellis tried it straight-up, and she said, while the vodka was smooth, she couldn’t taste a pepper flavor or a honey flavor. IMB editor Richard Alley had his mixed with Nikki’s Hot Ass mix, and he said he couldn’t taste anything besides the mix, which he said was too hot for him. Flyer graphic designer Brian Rollins said the Honey Hot Pepper Vodka smelled like a hospital, and I took whiff and agreed. It had a sterile aroma, like something you might use to clean off medical equipment. I didn’t notice that smell in the Platinum Khortytsa.

The LEAF Vodka was definitely the staff favorite, but I’d say the Platinum Khortytsa was smoothest vodka of the bunch.

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News News Blog

Greensward Vote Delayed Two Weeks

Brandon Dill

The Memphis City Council agreed to delay the final vote on an ordinance concerning Greensward parking for two weeks. 

The ordinance was on the agenda for Tuesday afternoon’s regular council meeting. But the delay was approved by council members in the council’s executive session. 

The delay is hardly a surprise as council chairman Kemp Conrad noted that he would ask for the delay on Friday as a part of Mayor Jim Strickland’s proposal to permanently end parking on the Greensward.  


“This issue requires ample time for the public to review it and offer input, so I will strongly recommend to my colleagues to delay the final vote on the ordinance that considers the plan until July 19,” Conrad said in a statement Friday. “I support this plan.”

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Beyond the Arc Sports

Grizzlies announce 2016 Summer League roster

The Grizzlies have announced their roster for the 2016 Las Vegas Summer League, and it’s a fairly exciting group, and one that surprisingly contains JaMychal Green, who played more games than any other Grizzly last year (while fouling at an extremely elevated rate):

I’m particularly excited to see Wade Baldwin, Deyonta Davis, and Andrew Harrison in action (even Summer League level action, where Josh Selby can become a co-MVP). Memphis Tiger fans will no doubt be heartened by the inclusion of Shaq Goodwin and DJ Stephens. Alex Stepheson made some noise for the Iowa Energy last season, and put up some ungodly offensive rebounding numbers in that one game before his Grizzlies 10-day ran out last year. It’s an exciting group, in the way Summer League is always exciting: a chance to see the raw materials that may one day be major pieces of the Grizzlies’ rotation.

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Film/TV Film/TV/Etc. Blog

The Purge: Election Year

The closing credits for The Purge: Election Year roll over the sound of David Bowie’s “I’m Afraid Of Americans”. Rarely has a single song summed up a film so completely.

James DeMarco’s 2013 film The Purge was a simple, $3 million siege film in the tradition of John Carpenter’s pre-Halloween cult hit Assault On Precinct 13. Tellingly, DeMonaco wrote the screenplay for that film’s inferior 2005 reboot. But DeMarco learned a lot from studying Carpenter, and The Purge became a surprise hit. The premise seems simple enough: In the future, America has become a more peaceful and orderly nation, except for one night of the year when, for 12 hours, all laws are suspended. People are encouraged to get in touch with their basest urges and desires to “purge” the bad feeling from their system so everyone can live in an orderly fashion for the rest of the year. While I find it dubious that a total but temporary suspension of law and order would turn normal people into psychotic killers, it’s an effective setup for action mayhem.

It was the followup, 2014’s The Purge: Anarchy, that really showed what DeMarco was capable of. He fleshed out the backstory of the first movie, revealing that the real reason the New Founding Fathers, the reactionary revolutionary group who rule America, instituted the purge system was to get rid of the excess population—meaning poor people. And if the poor didn’t oblige by killing each other, then the New Founding Fathers’ roving militias would give them a hand.

Frank Grillo and Elizabeth Mitchell in The Purge: Election Year.

History has played into DeMarco’s hand, and the rise of pseudofascist presidential candidate Donald Trump renders The Purge: Election Year particularly relevant. Anarchy star Frank Grillo is back as Sgt. Leo Barnes, the cop who learned to stay his hand in his quest for revenge. Now Barnes is the head of the security detail of Hillary Clinton stand-in Senator Ronan (Lost star Elizabeth Mitchell). Ronan is running for president to end the purge system against the transparent tool of the New Founding Fathers, Minister Edwidge Owens (Kyle Secor). With Ronan leading in the polls, the New Founding Fathers conspire to assassinate her under the cover of the annual purge, forcing her and Barnes to flee from a heavily armed, white supremacist militia.

Meanwhile, deli owner Joe (Mydeti Williamson) gets word that his insurance company is hiking his purge premium up so far that he will be forced to defend his business with force. The insurance company wiggling out of its policy agreement at the last minute is one of the many little details that connects the film with the real world. Joe’s major problem is a psychotic shoplifter named Kimmy (played to the hammy hilt by newcomer Brittany Mirable) but once she and her girl gang are dispatched, Joe and his friends give shelter to the fleeing Senator, and their problems quickly get worse.

Brittany Mirable (masked) goes gloriously over the top.

The Purge: Election Year is basically director DeMarco’s love letter to Carpenter’s Escape From New York. At $10 million, it’s the most expensive Purge film yet, but its entire budget is less than half of Harrison Ford’s rumored salary for returning to Star Wars. DeMarco delivers his trademark ultraviolent tableaus featuring creepy masked figures, but now there’s symbolism afoot, such as the group of Russian murder tourists dressed as American presidents, and the guillotine surrounded by headless figures in business suits.

But as I watched Election Year, I couldn’t shake the thought this is the leftist version of Rambo. When the forces of evil are inevitably bested by a combination of shotgun-toting revolutionaries and the ballot box, the film ends with a brief news announcement that pro-Purge forces were rioting, suggesting a sort of left-wing Red Dawn scenario for the next installment to the series’ storyline. Let’s hope DeMonaco’s sequel tease doesn’t cross over into the real world.

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News News Blog

Fantasy Sports Operators Must Now Obtain License

The Division of Charitable Solicitations and Gaming will now include fantasy sports in its name — the result of a new state law that requires fantasy sports operators to obtain a license with the division.

“Tennessee is one of the first states to enact legislation specifically addressing fantasy sports contests,” said Secretary of State Tre Hargett. “We look forward to ensuring operators follow the law to offer a new level of consumer protection for Tennesseans who choose to play these online games.”

The Fantasy Sports Act of 2016 applies to fantasy sports operators — such as DraftKings, FanDuel and Yahoo! Sports — that offer daily and season-long contests that award prizes as well as charge players an entry fee to create imagined teams. Players are not required to register with the Division. Free games that don’t offer rewards are also excluded. 

[pullquote-1]Sports operators are also required to submit financial documents and maintain segregated player funds. 

 

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

MATA CEO Still Not Sure When Burgers Will Be Done

Try the potato salad.

It’s Tuesday, July 5 and MATA CEO Ron Garrison still can’t say when the hamburgers he was grilling for an Independence Day cookout will be done. Just over 10-pounds of pre-formed ground beef patties and six packages of Oscar Meyer “classic style” hotdogs were purchased Saturday, July 2nd to provide food for guests at Garrison’s 4th of July party. A charcoal fire was lit at approximately 2 p.m., Monday, and a rustic wooden picnic table was spread with chips, dips, slaw, baked beans, and three different kinds of potato salad.

As of 10 a.m. Tuesday, July 5, no hamburgers or hotdogs had been served.

“I’m hungry,” partygoer Cara Street said, as she and her husband Beale watched the sun come up Tuesday morning. “I know Ron’s cooking just as fast as he can, but seriously, what the hell? These are pre-formed hamburger patties and hot dogs, it’s not like he’s making Chili en Nogada, or Coq au Vin. It’s not even like he’s making bratwursts.”

Garrison’s friend Bobby, who helped light the charcoal using his surefire dryer lint technique, says the meal was delayed as a result of safety concerns. “Everybody wants to get a nice sear on their burgers,” he explained. “But what’s really important is the internal temperature of the meat.”

“We’re making progress, but cannot give a definite timeline on either the burgers, or the dogs,” Garrison said, dipping his grill mop into a pot of Wicker’s.