I count myself lucky to never have used a dating app. I’ve pretty much been in one long-term relationship or another since high school, with blips of single/dating life between, so I’ve never had a need to join in the endless swiping — or whatever y’all are doing — on the variety of such apps that have become prevalent in recent years. I’m also glad to have been part of the meeting-people-in-person generation, before the World Wide Web took over so many aspects of our lives, including finding our perfect (or even just an okay) match via a never-ending selection of head shots and “about me” blurbs.
Hearing single friends dish on dating disasters, inappropriate DMs, and all sorts of meet-up mishaps is mind-numbing. Is it really that bad out there? Out of curiosity — and yes, research for this very column — I recently joined a local Facebook dating group, which claims it’s “a place for women to protect and empower other women while warning each other of men who might be liars, cheaters, abusers, or exhibit any type of toxic or dangerous behavior.” I’d found that dozens of my female friends — single, married, or otherwise partnered-up — were members (along with more than 6,500 others), and, well, I wanted to see what was going on in there.
The premise is harmless enough. You can find out if you’re getting played and/or warn others about abusive, cheating, narcissistic, or generally “toxic” men. But the reality is a little more convoluted. At times, it’s like witnessing a Jerry Springer episode unfold, with accusations and below-the-belt jabs in the comments sections. And so many of the posts — which typically include a photo of the gentleman in question, along with the inquiry “[tea emoji] or [red flag emoji]?” — are published anonymously, appearing as a question from an unknown “Group member.” I understand there could be circumstances that would necessitate anonymity when it comes to this type of thing, but after a few days as a silent observer, it’s leaving a bad taste. Are some of these “group members” simply hoping to stir the pot? Are they jilted lovers trolling for others to bash their ex or to prevent him from moving forward in another relationship? Wanting to start drama with current girlfriends, partners, or potentials? Some women provide info or experiences without the added bashing — and offer positive responses and recommendations to go ahead and date the guy — but it seems the group’s intent has been stretched into some warped reality-TV type territory. Grab your popcorn and settle into this week’s shit show.
I remember the days when you had to actually talk to and hang around a person to figure out if they were a creep or not. Never did I have the option to screenshot someone’s dating profile and post a poll for reviews. “Talked twice and then he ghosted me.” “He was nice but wanted to cuddle all the time, and we only chatted for a couple weeks.” “Total sex addict.” “Says he doesn’t have kids but has two who have nothing to do with him.” “Lives with his mom.” You get the idea. It’s a weird time we’re living in.
This group frames a bleak picture of the overall dating landscape in Memphis — and not just for women. But if the couples highlighted in this week’s cover story are any indication, enduring love exists. Their stories show that love isn’t just the butterflies and rainbows (though it has its magical moments) but also the challenges and growth two people experience on their journey together, the development of patience and understanding that carries them through the years.
You can find your person if you hang in there — perhaps without even trying. You may very well cross paths in the unlikeliest of places, off screen, in real life — in line at the bank, browsing the aisles of Cash Saver, or sitting at the bar of your favorite restaurant. Maybe you were too shy to introduce yourself to the cutie you locked eyes with at Hollywood Feed but you can’t get them out of your noggin. Let us help! We’re reviving the Flyer’s “I Saw You” missed connections. Send yours to isawyou@memphisflyer.com, and we’ll publish them in an upcoming issue. True love could be right around the corner.
Poker Face, starring Natasha Lyonne, brings back old-school episodic television, much to this critic’s delight.
The X-Files paved the way for a big shift in how TV series work. Serial storytelling, where each episode advances a larger story line, was very common in the early days of film, radio, and television. It has the inherent advantage of keeping an audience coming back for more each week — especially if you end each episode with a cliffhanger, as the Saturday morning serials like Flash Gordon perfected.
The problem lies with onboarding new audiences. If I missed the first episode of a slow-burn mystery show like True Detective or Fargo and instead tuned in mid-season, I would probably be lost. If the drama depends on complex world-building like Game of Thrones, fuggetaboutit. But if I tune into just about any episode of 1970s detective show Columbo, I’m not lost at all. Here’s this weird little guy who solves murders. No need to learn any dragon names.
In 1990, Twin Peaks rescued serial storytelling from the soap opera ghetto. The X-Files, which premiered in 1993, split the difference between “Monster of the Week” episodes and serial “mythology” story lines, setting an example for a generation of showrunners. Now that prestige television is almost exclusively serial, Poker Face intends to reclaim episodic TV from the doldrums of endless CSI reincarnations. Created by Knives Out director Rian Johnson and Russian Doll star Natasha Lyonne, it is a self-conscious reinvention of the Columbo formula.
In the pilot episode, written and directed by Johnson, we meet Lyonne as Charlie Cale, a cocktail waitress at Frost Casino in Las Vegas who has an innate ability to determine when people are lying. If you’re thinking, “Charlie could make a killing playing poker,” she is way ahead of you. Charlie was using her disarming manner and human lie detector skills in backrooms and casinos when Sterling Frost Sr. (Ron Perlman) figured out her deal and gave her a job at the casino to keep her under control. Now that Sr. is retired, Jr. (a deliciously sleazy Adrien Brody) gets a notion to use Charlie to shake down a high roller. When her friend Natalie (Dascha Polanco), a hotel maid, is found dead next to her abusive boyfriend, everyone at first believes that it’s a case of domestic violence — sad, but all too common. Everyone, that is, except Charlie. Something about the way Jr. talks about the death of her co-worker sets off her Charlie-sense. In the ensuing tangle of flashbacks and reveals, Charlie ends up on the lam with Cliff (Benjamin Bratt), the Frosts’ head of security, in pursuit.
Every week, Charlie tries to settle down in a new place, but inevitably, someone commits murder, and her inquisitive nature and overdeveloped sense of justice get the better of her. It’s a little bit Murder, She Wrote, a little bit The Incredible Hulk (the ’78-’82 TV series, not the misbegotten Ang Lee movie), and a whole lotta Columbo.
The rather strict formula (a “howcatchem” in screenwriter parlance) means the pleasures of Poker Face are all in the execution. The stories have been uniformly good. Johnson and sister showrunners Nora and Lilla Zuckerman keep the settings proletariat: So far, Charlie has cleared a lesbian trucker (Hong Chau) of the murder of a Subway sandwich artist (Brandon Micheal Hall) and avenged the death of a barbecue pitmaster (Shane Paul McGhie). The talent on display has been impressive — in “Rest in Metal,” for example, indie film legend Chloë Sevigny is the singer of a one-hit-wonder metal band, her guitarist is the Mountain Goats’ John Darnielle, and her roadie Chuck Cooper has a Tony Award.
Poker Face is great, escapist fun, but not bingeable. It’s old-fashioned weekly appointment television, and when it’s done this well, there ain’t nothing wrong with that.
This image was so prevalent around the MEMernet last week, it had to be noted here.
“Even in a dark time someone finds humor,” Memphis Memes 901 said on Facebook. “MyEyeDr. on Main Street.”
Posted to Facebook by Shaun Brennan
Icy Cool
“Something you don’t see everyday in Downtown Memphis, Tennessee,” wrote Shaun Brennan on Facebook. “A co-worker, Zack Repischak, ice skating with a hockey stick on top of one of the garages on the campus of the world-renowned St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.”
Posted to Reddit by u/notbob1959
Bad Drivers
A 2-year-old post to the Old School Ridiculous subreddit resurfaced in the Memphis sub last week. And it is, indeed, ridiculous enough to share.
A news story, apparently from 1939, says Memphis police considered issuing a special license plate for regular scofflaws. The tag had a skull with the word “careless” below it. The tag also said “traffic law violator.”
Willie Herenton in the 2019 mayoral race (Photo: Jackson Baker)
The January 15th financial disclosures revealed four declared mayoral candidates as “cash on hand” leaders — Downtown Memphis Commission president/CEO Paul Young, Sheriff Floyd Bonner, businessman J.W. Gibson, and NAACP head and former County Commissioner Van Turner.
With months to go before petitions can even be drawn, though, surprise news last week from two other individuals in the ever-increasing list of mayoral prospects indicated the fluidity of things.
Frank Colvett: When he announced for mayor last week, the city councilman, a white Republican, surprised a lot of people, who wondered how he — as a member of both a racial minority and a political minority — stood a chance of victory. Asked about that kind of skepticism, Colvett cited what he said was his proven record as a conciliator on the council, where he served a recent term as chairman.
“White, Black, Republican, Democrat, none of that matters. This is a nonpartisan race and a nonpartisan job, I intend to represent all the people,” said Colvett, with an unexceptionable answer that will seem so much pure rhetoric to the aforesaid skeptics. He said he intends to focus on the issues — crime, especially — and to demand that each of his opponents “produce a plan,” a detailed blueprint, with no evasions or mere platitudes.
Whatever his own prospects, Colvett has already had an effect on the race. Merely by announcing, he has probably forestalled prospects of a candidacy by lawyer John Bobango or council colleague Chase Carlisle or Carlisle’s developer brother Chance, all of whom had been rumored to be interested in running but who would be dependent in the beginning on the same GOP base as Colvett.
And, however fractional it might be, Colvett’s appeal to that base will drain some support from candidates Bonner and Young, each of whom has been making inroads among conservatives.
Colvett insists he is in the race to stay and won’t get out to accommodate anybody else, nor will he consider brokering a large-campaign exit by himself to affect the ultimate outcome.
Willie Herenton: The former mayor, who officially entered the race on Monday, had created a considerable stir last week among those observers paying attention with a heavily stylized online post that repeated variations of the sentence “Get the hell out of my office!” That was a reminder, the post elaborated, of Herenton’s clash with an impertinent reporter during his 18-year mayoral tenure. Significantly, the post ended with two panels which, together, formed the slogan “Campaign Coming Soon … 2023.”
Herenton lost his last two races for elective office — a somewhat feckless race for Congress in 2010 and a sixth race for mayor in 2019. In the loss to Jim Strickland in the latter race, a three-way affair, Herenton received some 30 percent of the total vote and finished second. Conceding to Strickland on election night, he referred to the 2019 race as being “my last,” though his recent post certainly suggests a change of mind.
Now that he is competing again, his impact could be considerable. Though he never gained traction in his 2010 congressional try, in the 2019 mayoral race he received the endorsement of several public-employee unions and polled well among African-American voters, many of whom still see in Herenton the heroic change-maker who in 1991 had become Memphis’ first elected Black mayor.
As an active candidate Herenton will almost certainly attract votes — perhaps a considerable number — which might ordinarily go to one of the several African-American Democrats now contending. And he remains controversial enough among conservatives — both white and, to some degree, Black — to coalesce in a backlash vote for a specific candidate or two among the other contenders.
The early days of 2023 brought more chilly winds and snowfall to the streets of Memphis. But as our teeth chattered and the thermostats dropped, we searched the city for the couples, the lovers, and the romantics who took a unique approach to their relationships, whether it was a chance encounter at Applebee’s or a simmering seven-year passion. With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, read on for three uplifting tales of love that could melt an icy Poplar and thaw even the most frozen of hearts.
Marcella Simien and Dustin Reynolds (Photo: Justin Fox Burks)
Marcella Simien and Dustin Reynolds
A lot of locals know singer/songwriter Marcella Simien’s story, including her roots in Mallet, Louisiana. “There’s a church and grocery store, and that’s about it,” she told us last year. “That’s where my grandparents’ home is and where my dad grew up. The Simien family’s ancestry goes back hundreds of years there.” But Simien arrived in Memphis to study art and play the music she’s now celebrated for here. And not long after that, her current romance began — sort of.
“I met Dustin way back in 2012, when I was 20 and he was 36 at the time,” she laughs.
“Nope!” interjects Dustin Reynolds, recalling that time and his reluctance to take things further then. After leaving his native Oklahoma City for Austin, he wound up in New Orleans, which in turn led him to tour with Jack Oblivian and Harlan T. Bobo. “After that I was like, ‘That’s it. These are my dudes. I’m just going to be full-time Memphis.’ And everybody here was like, ‘So you’re from New Orleans! You’ve got to meet Marcella!’ I’d heard of Terrance [Simien] in New Orleans, just because he would play Jazz Fest a lot. I knew his name. So I met 20-year-old Marcella, and I thought she was charming and beautiful, but she needed to ripen on the vine. A little too young!”
“And a little too wild!” interjects Marcella. “So we kind of got our ya ya’s out, and then reconnected when we were a little more calm.” The singer has a gift for understatement: Getting their ya ya’s out actually took a full seven years.
“So I moved home to Oklahoma City for a while, got my shit together, saved some money,” Dustin explains. Meanwhile, the connection they’d felt stayed with both of them.
“I had kind of a crush on him when we met in 2012, but we just had a couple conversations and that was about it,” Marcella says of their first encounter. “He was only in Memphis for a short time that year. Then in 2019, I reached out to him. I really wanted to see him. During that seven-year span, he was kind of in the back of my mind. Like he’d pop up in my mind and I’d think about him sometimes and wonder how he was doing and what he was up to. Those thoughts became so strong that the day after New Year’s 2020, I drove up to Oklahoma City to visit him. And stayed for the weekend, and when it was time for me to leave, we didn’t want to be apart, so he drove his car back to Memphis with me! And he said he was just going to stay a few days —”
Dustin lets out a big laugh, then Marcella continues, “And we didn’t want to be apart, so he just stayed!”
Looking back now, they feel they had two things going for them: their shared love of music and the weeks of lockdown due to Covid. The latter turned out to be a plus, romantically speaking. “It was actually kind of the perfect way to dive in,” reflects Marcella. “It’s sink or swim, and you’re either going to go so well together that you can tolerate and handle each other and know when to give each other space, or not. It’s the fast track to developing a relationship, and I think it strengthened our first year together. We wouldn’t be where we are without that constant time.”
They also made plenty of music during that time, including a single they just dropped, a cover of Johnny Thunders’ “I’m a Boy, I’m a Girl.” And making beautiful music together clearly makes their bond ever stronger, as becomes clear when, at the close of our interview, Marcella lets out: “We just got engaged in August!” — Alex Greene
Regis and Ashley Eleby (Photo: Justin Fox Burks)
Regis and Ashley Eleby
Twenty-four years ago, 19-year-old Regis Eleby’s grandma spotted a hiring sign at the Applebee’s on Union while they were out for lunch after church. She urged him to apply, so he did. Soon, he was hired as an expeditor in the kitchen. “And that’s how it happened,” Regis recalls. That’s how he met Ashley.
Prior to meeting Regis, Ashley had been working at the Applebee’s for a year or so as a hostess. “I was quiet,” she says. “I saw him, but I just thought he was the new guy. He was very loud. Seriously. His job was to call the waiters to come get their food when it was ready in the kitchen and literally I could hear him when I was at the front door at the hostess station.”
Yet, as Ashley and Regis say, opposites attract. Plus, it didn’t hurt that Regis found her cute. But their differences, they soon realized, complemented one another. “I think we’ve kind of rubbed off some on each other,” Ashley says.
“I balance her out, with her coming out a little bit more,” Regis says. “And she actually showed me ways and times when I need to pull back just a little bit. … She has taught me just generally in life, there’s a give and take.”
“Once we really got to know each other,” Ashley adds, “it was like we were different, but we were somehow the same. We realized that [we shared] a lot of experiences from growing up. … We both had our grandparents kinda heavily in our life. I lived with my grandparents and my mom, and he stayed with his grandparents, too. And so I think a lot of the traditional things that we saw growing up just kind of attracted us to each other ’cause it was so familiar.
“Like even I tell [Regis] — him and my grandfather share the same birthday — but I think sometimes the longer we had been together, I realized that they were so much alike. So it was kind of familiar in that way. It was just like some things felt too easy to not be real.”
And things have remained easy for the two, even through difficult times. “With us being together forever,” Regis says, “we’ve gone and grown through normal things in life with each other — setbacks and celebrations. We’ve done that with each other over all of this time.
“And, like, when we got married [in 2018], it was not a formal thing, but kind of more like a celebration ’cause everybody was constantly asking us for the longest time, ‘When y’all getting married?’ Imagine hearing that for 20-something-plus years from everybody’s family and everybody you know.”
“We’ve pretty much grown up together,” Ashley adds. “You change as a person, personalities and sometimes expectations change. If you don’t recognize that, that’s where the ripples come from. At times we’ve gone through that and had our ups and downs. And in those times we have realized that maybe this is just us from being together so long, changing and growing, so we gotta switch it up and figure out how to settle things.”
Still, the two have found fun in growing together, raising their dog Ro, traveling, embracing being homebodies, and, after their days at Applebee’s, embarking on different careers: Regis as a lead department manager at Floor & Decor, and Ashley a case manager at Regional One Health Medical Center. Through it all, laughter remains at the core of everything they do, whether that’s speaking in obscure movie quotes or gifting each other with gag gifts.
“I think anybody else would probably get sick of us,” Ashley says. “But at times where things just get rough and you wanna cry, we find something funny out of it, so I think it definitely eases a lot of the conflict. We gotta laugh.”
As the couple reflects on their 24 years together, from rocking baggy jeans to rocking gray hair and back problems, they look forward to the future and growing older together. “We just talk about [the past] and look at what we’ve been through and realize how that is helping us to focus on the future of what’s coming and just to be ready,” Regis says. “Ready to tackle and handle whatever comes.” — Abigail Morici
Alex da Ponte and Karen Mulford (Photo: Justin Fox Burks)
Alex da Ponte and Karen Mulford
Alex da Ponte and Karen Mulford’s meet-cute wasn’t ushered in by a car ride from Chicago to New York or a summer romance set at the beach. Believe it or not, their relationship started with a slap.
Alex — a local musician — and Karen met at Ardent Studios, where a music video was being filmed.
“Karen was the star of it,” Alex explains. “She was having to slap people across the face to the beat of a song.”
Alex explains that as someone was running around Ardent Studios looking for other volunteers to be slapped, she was doing vocals for another project, and eventually became lucky enough to be slapped by Karen.
“Literally the first time I met her, she slapped me across the face,” Alex says.
After a few conversations, Karen says she thought Alex was cute and remembers reaching out to Alex to see if she was playing anywhere.
“I ended up going to one of her shows at the ‘old-old’ Hi Tone,” explains Karen. “That’s kind of how we got to talking and kind of started to get to know each other a little bit better.”
“In true lesbian fashion, we moved in fairly quickly,” says Alex. “I think we knew when we had gotten through the whole summer and we were still wanting to be around each other all the time.”
April will mark 10 years since they’ve been together, and it also marks their seventh wedding anniversary. And a lot has changed since the couple first crossed paths in 2012, including welcoming a child through IVF. While parenting has changed their lives, there has been a defining characteristic of their relationship that they say has stayed true: silliness. Alex explains that it’s something they both share, and something that keeps things fun.
Becoming parents has also provided an opportunity for the two to learn more about each other, and how to balance each other out with their strengths.
“It’s been funny to see both of us coming on this journey from completely different sides of the coin,” Alex says.
Alex grew up as the middle child of five, while Karen grew up as the “baby of the family.”
“I’ve learned a lot about parenthood through her,” Karen says. “The first diaper I’ve ever changed was my son’s diaper, and I was like 35. So seeing how she is with other kids, with our son, she’s just really good at just setting boundaries and sticking to them, and it being consistent.
“We have different strengths in that arena for sure,” she continues. “Swooping in when we see the other one needs to switch out. It’s been a good experience.”
Karen points to tasks outside of parenting, such as housework, that they’re able to level each other out with. Alex also shares that while she has been able to teach Karen about parenting, she’s been able to learn more about authenticity.
“I think she helped me get more comfortable with being sincere and genuine,” says Alex. “I’m much more guarded in general, and I think I was more so, before Karen, very guarded, less open. I feel like I’ve become more open.”
They’ve been able to help strengthen each other in areas that they may lack, but they also emphasize how the little things make a big difference.
“If I get anxiety over calling the doctor, she’ll just do it for me. Always. It’s just something that she takes care of. And vice versa. It’s lots of little things like that where it’s like, ‘I got you,’ or ‘I’m here for you,’” Karen says.
Those little things are actually key in a successful relationship, Karen says.
“You never feel like you’re going to have to face something alone, for one. You’ve always got your teammate, your partner, but also if it’s something that you can’t handle then you know the other one is there,” Alex adds.
“It’s a tag-team effort.”
This is also a result of time, which the couple agrees has made their relationship stronger. Karen says that in the beginning they weren’t used to each other’s quirks and rhythms. But as they continue to get to know each other, it becomes so much easier. — Kailynn Johnson
February might be the shortest month of the year, but it is packed with meaning. February is the month of love, hosting Valentine’s Day on the 14th. What better tarot card to discuss this week than The Lovers card?
In tarot, The Lovers is card number six of the Major Arcana. The Major Arcana section of tarot represents the big picture in our lives, marking milestone events or major turning points. The Lovers card is about love, but there is so much more to it than romance.
To get a fuller understanding of The Lovers, let’s look at its number, six. Sixes in tarot reflect our journey to harmony and unity, not just with ourselves but with others. The number six calls us to engage with society. As we learn and grow through our interactions, we change. The number six of The Lovers card tells us that, going forward, things will be different, and our experiences with The Lovers card will leave us transformed.
With a name like The Lovers, it’s natural that love is the first thing we think of when we see this card. If you are looking for romance in your life and you see The Lovers in a reading, it is a good indication that what you are looking for is in your future. As an attraction card, The Lovers represents those feelings of excitement, hopefulness, and joy of new love. It represents the allure and passion of love that can be hard to define. The Lovers represents a romantic partnership between people that is complementary and uplifting to both parties. If you are considering taking your relationship to the next level, The Lovers card is a welcome indication that it’s time to get more serious and that your relationship is well-matched.
The Lovers card is also about choices. With each person we meet, we have the ability to choose to be in a relationship with them — whether it’s a friendship, business, or romantic relationship. With The Lovers card, you are choosing love — and choosing the person you want to express that love with. The Lovers also represents those choices we make when we truly desire something. The attraction and allure of the card doesn’t end with people but can symbolize decisions we make in our lives.
Imagine that you are content with your life. You go about your days not seeking any changes. Then, out of the blue, you see a job posting for a job you’ve always wanted. Now that you know your dream job is available, do you apply and pursue it, even though it means changing your career? Or do you ignore it? The excitement and the almost spiritual pull of that dream job is an example of the choices we have to make with The Lovers.
All choices come with a consequence — good, bad, or indifferent. If we make the choice to pursue our dream job, then we may find ourselves changing careers when we didn’t plan on it. We might find ourselves with pressure to relocate. We now have to accept and deal with the consequences of the choice we made. The Lovers is about moving toward a more harmonious lifestyle, which means things in our life will change, and those changes can be lasting. There may be a sacrifice you must make in order to have this dream. In some ways, all commitment is a sacrifice, but one made for the right reason or person can help you grow as an individual.
The next time you receive a reading and The Lovers card appears, get ready! The person, thing, or situation you’ve been manifesting is on its way. Now you have to make sure you are ready for the love and the choices it will bring into your life. Until your ideal partner or situation arrives, live your life in harmony and unity with yourself and others so that you are in a space of love and ready to receive your blessing that The Lovers card brings.
Emily Guenther is a co-owner of The Broom Closet metaphysical shop. She is a Memphis native, professional tarot reader, ordained Pagan clergy, and dog mom.
A new year is upon us, and that means many are setting (and forgetting) new year’s resolutions. New beginnings are a common time to think about spending, saving, and budgeting. In this space, we’ll talk through a few concepts that might be useful as you consider your relationship with your money in the coming year.
One of the trickiest things to define when mapping out a plan is what kind of spending to actually worry about. Spontaneous purchases on Amazon or a fancy bottle of wine at a restaurant is more of a luxury than a necessity if you’re looking to cut costs. But what about grocery spending? Doctor visits? School tuition? Your mortgage?
Probably the best way to look at it is to consider only things you want to change. If you’re happy in your house and committed to staying, then there is not much to do about your property taxes. They are of course an item that must be considered as part of cash flow planning, but there is not much reason to spend mental energy on them.
There is a potential big blind spot, however, which is the savings that can be had even in “non-negotiable” categories. For example, many people believe you should spend as much as possible on tires, since they are an important safety component when it comes to driving. Even if you consider safety non-negotiable, you might find through research that certain less expensive tires are just as safe as the top tier. Even if you remain committed to the most reputable and well-known tire brands, you likely will find that you can achieve substantial savings by shopping around. The knee-jerk reaction to spend as much as you can on safety-adjacent stuff might be just as influenced by marketing as any actual incremental security.
Another source of unnecessary spending is the desire to be spontaneous. While spontaneity has a role for all of us, there is no place for it financially if you’re aggressively trying to work your spending down. Things like dining out, buying clothes, and weekend getaways are easy to stumble into, and the costs can add up quickly. Planning just one nice restaurant meal each week could not only help control the budget but also give you something to look forward to in advance — and that anticipation can greatly increase the enjoyment per dollar spent.
In the end, the most important spending principle is to be honest with yourself. Every dollar we spend is because in the moment we have convinced ourselves it’s a good idea, but that justification can be ephemeral. If you use a transaction aggregator like Mint, it can be instructive to go back over your transactions weeks or months later and see what you value after the fact and what you don’t. Even better is to look at your Amazon purchase history, which is never purged. Which items you’ve bought do you still use? Which did you never use? Which items make you wish you could go back in time and unorder them? An honest relationship with your past spending is one of the best ways to develop better decision-making about the future.
If you are happy with your spending, you have nothing to worry about, but most of us have some work to do in this realm. Like we always say, we cannot control markets, but we can control spending, and your spending habits likely have the most outsized impact of anything on the path to your secure financial future. Hopefully, these tips can help you develop a mindset that serves you as you make decisions about your money.
Gene Gard, CFA, CFP, CFT-I, is Chief Investment Officer at Telarray, a Memphis-based wealth management firm that helps families navigate investment, tax, estate, and retirement decisions. Ask him your questions or schedule an objective, no-pressure portfolio review at letstalk@telarrayadvisors.com. Sign up for the next free online seminar on the Events tab at telarrayadvisors.com.
[l to r] Mark Edgar Stuart, Amy LaVere, and Will Sexton chat between performances at the Folk Alliance International conference in Kansas City. (Photo: Karen Pulfer Focht)
The folk music old guard that dominated the Folk Alliance International conferences for the past 35 years has passed the guitar to a new generation that is younger, energized, and mostly female and non-white.
And the kids are all right.
In the BC years (before Covid), the annual five-day conference that draws more than 1,000 musicians from around the world was largely the province of aging performers and music lovers.
This year, the beat has changed. Most of the performers were young, female, and non-white, lending a whole new energy to the event that was held this past weekend in Kansas City, Missouri. The LGBTQIA+ community was also well-represented.
Memphis was everywhere, chosen as the first “City of Honor,” with Memphis-oriented workshops, speakers, and a slew of talented performers including Amy LaVere, Bailey Bigger, Talibah Safiya, Yella P of Memphissippi Sounds, violinist Alice Hasen, and the brilliant Aquarian Blood.
Valerie June (Photo: Karen Pulfer Focht )
Grammy-nominated singer, songwriter, poet, and actor Valerie June astounded with her keynote speech that said love and hope can defeat hate and fear. As she spoke about the global crisis, the “technological hacking of the human mind and body,” and nuclear war, she abruptly stopped and flashed her trademark smile. She walked to center stage, picked up a banjo, and played a delicate version of “What a Wonderful World” in defiance of the doomsayers.
Wherever she walked, she was treated like royalty. Women and children rushed up and hugged her.
She now lives in Brooklyn but said she would always consider Memphis her home. Like the rest of us, June went from concert to concert to hear the young artists.
The annual gathering is designed to allow music critics, agents, disc jockeys, and concert and festival bookers to get up close and personal with new artists and discover new talent.
It’s also a chance for singers and musicians to strut their stuff in the smaller, intimate venues of the Westin Hotel and gather new fans. There are organized workshops and concerts during the day and evening, though much of the action started at 10:30 p.m. and continued almost to daybreak in hundreds of hotel rooms converted into makeshift music spots. Sometimes a performer played for just one or two people, a memorable experience.
There were a few older performers here, like Tom Paxton and Janis Ian, who acted in more of a non-performing, advisory capacity. Ian received a well-deserved lifetime achievement award. Paxton said he was just there to be inspired by the young people.
Instead of the usual performances by folk icons like Livingston Taylor, John McCutcheon, and Eliza Gilkyson, visitors chose between blues singers from Memphis, storytellers from Ireland, brash bands from Australia, and new Americana voices from everywhere.
The toughest challenge is choosing who to see since every concert choice means missing hundreds of other mini concerts going on elsewhere.
In one, Josh White Jr. seemed a little baffled when his co-performer, 92-year-old jazz genius, composer, and orchestra conductor David Amram asked him to play “House of the Rising Sun” a second time. But he smiled and acquiesced.
Amram impulsively invited young musicians he just met hours earlier to join them. Violinist Rahel-Liis Aasrand of Estonia and percussionist Natalia Miranda from Guatemala nervously joined Amram and White in an impromptu jazz number, as if they had played together for years.
Amy LaVere has a voice much larger than her lithe frame which was dwarfed by the stand-up bass she played. Her voice is at once sweet and powerful, and her accompanying guitarist and violinist could not have been better.
Alice Hasen showed just how versatile the violin could be, switching gears from classical to folk to almost hip-hop.
There was music around every corner. In one room, Brit Shane Hennessy played an instrumental tribute to Chet Atkins. In another, the laid-back Aquarian Blood’s J.B. Horrell played the guitar upright between his knees while his wife, Laurel, sang along.
And the talent goes on and on, stretching out through the halls and into the early morning hours as it expands the definition of folk music far, far beyond the notion of a guy with a guitar.
For more information on the Folk Alliance and how to attend next year’s conference, go to folk.org.
I stopped at Mosa Asian Bistro because I wanted Rainbow Panang Curry, one of my favorites. But I didn’t want it with fried chicken or fried shrimp.
That’s when I was told I could get it with grilled salmon.
Salmon?
It’s now one of my favorite dishes.
It also comes with tofu, but I’m going to stick with the salmon.
I asked Michelle Pao-Levine, daughter of chef/owner Eddie Pao, how the salmon came about. Customers “wanted to eat a healthier and lighter version, so we had to really think about how we can offer this dish with a seafood portion, but not have it be fried,” says Pao-Levine, who, along with her brother, Alex Pao, is a managing partner at Mosa.
“We, actually, used to offer it with a grouper or halibut. A white flaky fish. And we used to fry it. We’d put it in a batter almost like fish and chips. The same batter you’d use for chicken and shrimp.”
But customers wanted something healthier. “People who like to eat fish always asked us if we could offer a non-fried version of the fish. But a cod or a halibut non-fried, if we were to sear it in a wok, it would just flake up. It wasn’t firm enough of a fish meat. Using a salmon filet really works great because we can either put it in a panini press and cook it that way or put it in a wok. Either way it’s caramelized and seared all the way through.
“We discovered salmon, the flavor of a salmon filet, took to the Rainbow Panang sauce. Other types of fish didn’t seem to as much. When you pour all the sauce over a white fish, it almost drowns it. But when a piece of salmon is put with it, it stays nice and just delicious.”
This is not a skimpy portion. “It’s a whole filet of salmon. It’s not cut up in chunks.”
The sauce includes “freshly-squeezed citrus, coconut curry, panang curry, lime leaves. Lemongrass is in there.”
Pao-Levine wouldn’t tell me the secret ingredient that makes it sweet. “That’s one ingredient I’m not going to mention.
“I can literally just eat the sauce with the rice. It’s that kind of sauce. A lot of people ask me for extra rice ’cause they love that sauce so much.”
Mosa offers other healthy options. Customers can substitute grilled or sautéed chicken or shrimp in Rainbow Panang Curry and other dishes. “Basically, that dish can be made lighter and healthier, and I think we can please all different palates.”
The restaurant’s classic Szechuan Chicken also can be adapted for those “who don’t want the protein in it to be grilled or fried.”
Typically, the protein, whether it’s chicken, meat, or shrimp, is “going to be fried and then tossed and cooked with a sauce and the veggies.”
But they can “sauté the grilled chicken, shrimp, or beef. We can do it all.”
And, Levine says, “Certain dishes we can steam the veggies and our protein and put the sauce on the side.”
They also can also reduce the sauce in dishes, including their Pad Thai noodle dish or a broccoli with garlic sauce and chicken dish. “Asking for lighter sauce reduces the salt by half, but you still get the flavor. And you’re cutting down on your sodium and sugar.”
They also adapt their Su Chai Vegetables stir fry. “Like a vegetable medley stir fried, cooked in a light, white garlic sauce. We can take that and put the sauce on the side. So, almost any of our stir fries can be steamed with sauce on the side.”
Pao-Levine eats at Mosa every day she works. “I’ve been at the restaurant over 15 years. The way I eat is to cut down on my sauce.
“We make amazing sauces. That’s what Eddie does best. He makes over 27 sauces at this restaurant. It’s about enjoying the sauces. And I think people like coming to us because we can cook vegetables and make them delicious because we have so many delicious sauces. But you can still eat healthier.”
Mosa Asian Bistro is at 850 South White Station Road; (901) 683-8889.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): During my quest for advice that might be helpful to your love life, I plucked these words of wisdom from author Sam Kean: “Books about relationship talk about how to ‘get’ the love you need, how to ‘keep’ love, and so on. But the right question to ask is, ‘How do I become a more loving human being?’” In other words, Aries, here’s a prime way to enhance your love life: Be less focused on what others can give you and more focused on what you can give to others. Amazingly, that’s likely to bring you all the love you want.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You have the potential to become even more skilled at the arts of kissing and cuddling and boinking than you already are. How? Here are some possibilities. 1. Explore fun experiments that will transcend your reliable old approaches to kissing and cuddling and boinking. 2. Read books to open your mind. I like Margot Anand’s The New Art of Sexual Ecstasy. 3. Ask your partner(s) to teach you everything about what turns them on. 4. Invite your subconscious mind to give you dreams at night that involve kissing and cuddling and boinking. 5. Ask your lover(s) to laugh and play and joke as you kiss and cuddle and boink.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are an Italian wolf searching for food in the Apennine Mountains. You’re a red-crowned crane nesting in a wetland in the East Hokkaido region of Japan. You’re an olive tree thriving in a salt marsh in southern France, and you’re a painted turtle basking in a pool of sunlight on a beach adjoining Lake Michigan. And much, much more. What I’m trying to tell you, Gemini, is that your capacity to empathize is extra strong right now. Your smart heart should be so curious and open that you will naturally feel an instinctual bond with many life forms, including a wide array of interesting humans. If you’re brave, you will allow your mind to expand to experience telepathic powers. You will have an unprecedented knack for connecting with simpatico souls.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): My Cancerian friend Juma says, “We have two choices at all times: creation or destruction. Love creates and everything else destroys.” Do you agree? She’s not just talking about romantic love, but rather love in all forms, from the urge to help a friend, to the longing to seek justice for the dispossessed, to the compassion we feel for our descendants. During the next three weeks, your assignment is to explore every nuance of love as you experiment with the following hypothesis: To create the most interesting and creative life for yourself, put love at the heart of everything you do.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I hope you get ample chances to enjoy deep soul kisses in the coming weeks. Not just perfunctory lip-to-lip smooches and pecks on the cheeks, but full-on intimate sensual exchanges. Why do I recommend this? How could the planetary positions be interpreted to encourage a specific expression of romantic feeling? I’ll tell you, Leo: The heavenly omens suggest you will benefit from exploring the frontiers of wild affection. You need the extra sweet, intensely personal communion that comes best from the uninhibited mouth-to-mouth form of tender sharing. Here’s what Leo poet Diane di Prima said: “There are as many kinds of kisses as there are people on earth, as there are permutations and combinations of those people. No two people kiss alike — no two people fuck alike — but somehow the kiss is more personal, more individualized than the fuck.”
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Borrowing the words of poet Oriah from her book The Dance: Moving to the Deep Rhythms of Your Life, I’ve prepared a love note for you to use as your own this Valentine season. Feel free to give these words to the person whose destiny needs to be woven more closely together with yours. Oriah writes, “Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be someday. Show me you can risk being at peace with the way things are right now. Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiraling down into the ache within the ache. Take me to the places on the Earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.”
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libran author Walter Lippmann wrote, “The emotion of love is not self-sustaining; it endures only when lovers love many things together, and not merely each other.” That’s great advice for you during the coming months. I suggest that you and your allies — not just your romantic partners, but also your close companions — come up with collaborative projects that inspire you to love many things together. Have fun exploring and researching subjects that excite and awaken and enrich both of you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio writer Paul Valéry wrote, “It would be impossible to love anyone or anything one knew completely. Love is directed towards what lies hidden in its object.” My challenge to you, Scorpio, is to test this hypothesis. Do what you can to gain more in-depth knowledge of the people and animals and things you love. Uncover at least some of what’s hidden. All the while, monitor yourself to determine how your research affects your affection and care. Contrary to what Valéry said, I’m guessing this will enhance and exalt your love.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In his book Unapologetically You, motivational speaker Steve Maraboli writes, “I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” That’s always good advice, but I believe it should be your inspirational axiom in the coming weeks. More than ever, you now have the potential to forever transform your approach to relationships. You can shift away from wanting your allies to be different from what they are and make a strong push to love them just as they are.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I analyzed the astrological omens. Then I scoured the internet, browsed through 22 books of love poetry, and summoned memories of my best experiences of intimacy. These exhaustive efforts inspired me to find the words of wisdom that are most important for you to hear right now. They are from poet Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Stephen Mitchell): “For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): To get the most out of upcoming opportunities for intimacy, intensify your attunement to and reverence for your emotions. Why? As quick and clever as your mind can be, sometimes it neglects to thoroughly check in with your heart. And I want your heart to be wildly available when you get ripe chances to open up and deepen your alliances. Study these words from psychologist Carl Jung: “We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect; we apprehend it just as much by feeling. Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is, at best, only the half of truth, and must, if it be honest, also come to an understanding of its inadequacy.”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “In love there are no vacations. Love has to be lived fully with its boredom and all that.” Author and filmmaker Marguerite Duras made that observation, and now I convey it to you — just in time for a phase of your astrological cycle when boredom and apathy could and should evolve into renewed interest and revitalized passion. But there is a caveat: If you want the interest and passion to rise and surge, you will have to face the boredom and apathy; you must accept them as genuine aspects of your relationship; you will have to cultivate an amused tolerance of them. Only then will they burst in full glory into renewed interest and revitalized passion.
