Astrobiologist Tom Ichbaum opened his Twitter account Monday afternoon and typed out a dire warning about U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) and women who seem to wear their hair like U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn. According to Ichbaum the Tennessee legislator’s trademark mane isn’t a mane at all, it’s a brain-eating alien parasite “that’s dangerous and probably self-replicating.”
“Look, I don’t want people to get the wrong idea,” Ichbaum explained. “This isn’t some kind of blonde joke. I’m not the kind of person who’d ever make fun of how other people look or dress, especially not women. That’s a terrible double standard in this country and I would never be part of perpetuating that. But holy shit, have you listened to some of the stuff Marsha’s says?”
Although Ichbaum’s worried about Blackburn for some time, it wasn’t her behavior that ultimately led him to begin his strange inquiry.
“I started noticing all these other women with the exact same hair,” he says. “At first I told myself, ‘This isn’t weird.’ It’s not an unusual look. I’m just being paranoid. There’s no way that hairdo’s really a brain-eating visitor from another planet. That’s crazy. But then I started listening to what all these people were saying. And everything they said sounded like the kind of crazy stuff Marsha says. It’s like they didn’t have minds of their own and were just repeating the most insane things they’ve heard on American Family Radio.”
To illustrate his point Ichbaum played a clip from a CNN segment about conservtive evangelical women who believe Donald Trump’s affair with porn star Stormy Daniels was okay because “God ordained” the President.
“I don’t think I can watch this again,” Ichbaum said, averting his eyes. At that exact moment one CNN panelist with Marsha Blackburn’s hair defended her President saying, “We all have gotten a Mulligan because of Christ Jesus, and so that’s the bottom line.”
Marsha Blackburn’s Hair Identified as Brain-Eating Parasite
“Who talks like that?” Ichbaum screamed into his laptop. “Jesus didn’t play golf! Golf was invented in 15th-Century Scotland for Christ’s sake! What the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?!”
According to Ichbaum there is only one scientific explanation for all this homogeneity: Alien parasites.
“Technically they’re symbiotes,” he says describing an exotic, otherworldly life form that bonds with human beings in order to survive on Earth. “On one hand they take over your brain and feast on your mental energies,” Ichbaum explains. “On the other hand, you do look fabulous.”
Ichbaum believes there’s currently no good defense against this kind of invasion. “But if somebody you know or love just shows up one day looking like Marsha Blackburn stay alert and try not to get too close,” he says. “Chances are very good this person is no longer your friend. It’s possible they never were.”
