Okay. It s 4 a.m. on a Monday, and I have problems. Oh, not just the usual Mondayitis we all go through when trying to face a new week after a relaxing weekend. No, these are much worse. For starters, my head is still hurting from a slight accident suffered a few days ago an accident that found me with an ice pack on my head made from Wee-Wee Pads and duct tape. See? It s not the usual Monday fog. Yes. Wee-Wee Pads. I thought I had experienced all of the miraculous things these little sheets can do as in soaking up cat urine and its smell, like a diaper, only on the floor, right beside the litter box the cat refuses to use but now I can count on using them for ice packs. The only problem is that they also soak up the liquid when the ice melts, thereby expanding in size to three or four times the size of the original ice pack, very much like a pan of Jiffy Pop once heated. The mere fact that I have Wee-Wee Pads in my home for the world to see is troubling enough, but worse is shoving the makeshift ice pad aside and checking the e-mail spam that creeps in every night on the computer. If I had my penis enlarged as many times as I ve been promised, I would have an extraordinary career in the circus sideshow. This morning s lovely offer is for generic Viagra, the sellers of which tell me, in my own home, on my own computer, Some choose our product to overcome impotency. Some want to take our product for recreational use, just for that extra bit of stiffness on a perfectly healthy erection. This was sent to me because, according to the source, I am a member of some list of which I am not aware. I certainly didn t sign up for it. The message goes on to say, Many sites will try to sell their product through professionalism. No worries here. Others will try to schmooze you into a purchase. No kidding! We aren t inclined to do either. We sell our product on the basis of a being CHEAP, EASY, EFFECTIVE solution for impotency problems. And the message doesn t stop at addressing just the medical and financial aspects of this offer. It goes on to tackle the embarrassing social implications we so often overlook: Although questions like, How s it hangin ? and What s up? may not bother the average male, when it comes to the problem of impotency, they can have quite an impact and seem terribly cruel. As silly as they may appear to be on the surface, they do address a very serious, personal, and intimate issue: impotency. Now, do you see why I don t sleep? There is so much wrong with this on so many levels that it makes the Wee-Wee Pad ice pack pale in comparison. Wee-Wee Pads for a cat, I might add, who, with her white and silver markings, bears a startling resemblance to that tiger that attacked Roy Horn. Don t think this is lost on me. She s staring at me right now like she might lunge any minute. I just wish she would lunge toward the litter box. None of this is helped by the fact that the television news is on and I just saw poor New York Yankees coach Don Zimmer first being hurled to the ground by someone from the opposing team, and then in front of a microphone crying. He looks so much like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family that I keep waiting for him to fire up a light bulb by putting it in his mouth. Let s just hope the team gets fired up and wins the World Series. In the meantime, here s a brief and harried take on some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight s Toolbox Bash Dinner and Silent Auction at Lichterman Nature Center is a Habitat for Humanity fund-raiser in honor of the group s 20th anniversary and completion of its 250th house, and features live music by Di Anne Price, along with auction items from Designer s Choice Interiors and the Memphis Grizzlies. Today kicks off this weekend s Soul-a-Thon, the annual fund-raiser for the Stax Museum of American Soul Music and the Stax Music Academy, with Soul Classics 103.5 on hand live, outdoor music performances, and much more.
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