Once, when I was very young, I accidentally hit the side of a parked car on the street in the middle of the night. Not wanting to go banging door to door to find out whom the car belonged to, I left a note on it with all of my contact information and the name of my insurance company. I ended up in court seven times and was put on probation for failure to report an accident. Of course, my probation officer turned out to be a pot dealer on the side, so it wasn t so bad, but it still tainted my reputation as a good citizen. Which is why I ask the question: How in the hell did Michael Jackson get nabbed for numerous counts of child molestation, walk into the sheriff s department, cut em a check, and then walk right back out and hop on his plane and head back to Las Vegas to finish filming one of his insipid videos? How can the freak get away with this? And the baby dangling? And being related to LaToya? Is there no punishment for all of this? I accidentally hit a parked car and spend a thousand bucks on attorney fees, and he cornholes a bunch of kids and flies back to the bright lights of Vegas in his chartered jet? I want restitution! And I think they ought to lock him up in a cell with Martha Stewart, once they finally put her into a place where she has to marry the woman with the most cigarettes. Maybe Martha and Mikey could while away the hours hot glue gunning a nose back on that thing you can only loosely call his face. And she could show him all sorts of different and new ways to have chicken in bed late at night. He could jump around the cell grabbing his crotch and moonwalking while singing Insider Traaaading! You Can t Beat It, Beat It, Beat It! If they let him keep a few of his personal belongings in the cell, maybe Martha could find a way to turn a giraffe into a handy place to store those beautiful holiday wreaths during the off season. And ol Martha might be able to figure out a way to use that hot glue gun to break em out of the slammer so they could escape together. Martha and Michael: On the Run. John Waters could have a field day with that one. He could have Martha in the bathroom of a gas station carving Michael up a little more with an electric turkey knife to help disguise him. And then when they get caught, the ferocious cops could lock them up with Terrence Buford. If you haven t heard about Terrence, he s the guy who recently drove his car into an Oklahoma City movie theater, forced people to bow in front of him, then hit them, then yelled out that he was Jesus Christ and demanded to know where the movie about Tupak Shakur was playing. Now why can t something that fabulous happen here? All we get are a bunch of men who dress up in women s clothing and bad wigs and rob banks. Oh, well, everyone s innocent until being proven guilty unless, that is, you are an American prisoner of war at Guantanamo Bay, probably the darkest spot on this nation s history. And now here s a little look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight is opening night of this weekend s Voices of the South production of Pre-sent/Pre-sent: BRAND spankin New at TheatreWorks, a collaboration with Project: Motion that combines theater and dance. There s a Makeshift Records CD-Showcase with Andy Grooms Living Room, Paul Taylor, Passport Again, and Original Cyndi at the Hi-Tone. And The Tyrone Smith Review is at Newby s.
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