As I tap away here on my little computer, it s the eve of the election. By the time this hits the streets, it will finally be over, although who knows when we ll find out who gets his dance card full because of all the voting-machine nightmares and the probability that some ballots won t get counted? But at least it will be over. No more debates. No more ads. No more campaign rallies. I m sure some of you will miss all this, but not me. It s been like watching bad reruns of Green Acres with Oliver Wendell Douglas as John Kerry fighting against Mr. Kimble as George W. Bush. Oh, I know there are some serious issues, like the possibility of reinstating the draft and outing CIA agents and selectively blacked-out military records and threats of terrorist attacks, but you have to admit old George has had it pretty easy vacationing down there most of the time — well, until the campaign, that is — on that scrappy-looking ranch in his cowboy hats and boots. And Laura. My goodness. I really can t say too much bad about a woman who seems to take as many tranquilizers as she seems to be enjoying at any given time. I guess that s why it didn t bother her to accept a $95,000 pair of sapphire-and-diamond earrings from the Saudis last year as the war raged on. And while she stares into space, her husband s two eyebrows become one and his eyes cross when trying to read the teleprompter in an attempt to make some sense now and then. And who could blame Laura if she is out there in la-la land half the time. She seems to be pretty decent. And can you image what she has been through, raising those demon-seed twins? Not to mention having to entertain her mother-in-law all the time. I wouldn t be at all surprised if she shoved George Sr. out of that plane on his 80th birthday. If she wasn t too busy running around with key on a piece of string during a lightning storm oh, that was Benjamin Franklin? They are so hard to tell apart from one another sometimes. And who do you think Dick Cheney would resemble if he put on a fluffy white wig and a string of pearls? I bet Halloween around the White House was a riot. But enough bashing of the Bushes. It s just too easy. Between brother Neil and his savings-and-loan scandals and prostitutes in Thailand and niece Noelle with her illegally obtained Xanax prescriptions (I be she and Aunt Laura have a GREAT time together) and those drunk daughters and their lovely campaign speech, it only makes them seem remotely interesting in a twisted kind of way. But it s still like an episode of Green Acres. Throw in Arnold Schwarzenegger as Arnold the Pig (even though he s just a governor), Mr. Haney as John Ashcroft (although he bears a much more similar resemblance to Ray Bolger, especially when leading his staff in song and especially when singing that he wishes he had a brain), Mrs. Douglas as the Teresa Heinz Kerry (for the accent and money, if nothing else), and you could even throw in Mr. Drucker as Zell Miller. Yes, it has been quite a show. Let s just hope this campaign doesn t enjoy the reruns that Green Acres does. I, for one, can t take it. In the meantime, here s a quick look at what s going on around town this week. Tonight, there s an opening reception at Lisa Kurts Gallery for an exhibit of sculpture by Thomas Ostenberg. And tonight kicks off this weekend s Breeding Ground Interdisciplinary Performance of Preparing the Canvas concert at U of M with 15 modern dancers, six choreographers, three artists, and live musicians.
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