A poor, media-addled reader has written the all-seeing, all-knowing Fly looking for solace and understanding. Here’s what he had to say:
“I’m sitting Friday at 12:40 p.m. eating my lunch and watching the Channel 5 news. A tease comes on by Nick Paranjape [who says], ‘A potentially deadly substance may be contaminating your milk; a substance whose primary use is in explosives. We’ll have all the details MONDAY MORNING!’ MONDAY MORNING? What the hell am I supposed to do till then? Put beer on my cereal? Call the bomb squad and have them destroy my Turner’s yellow jug? Gosh, I probably won’t be able to sleep all weekend!”
Gentle reader, do not deprive yourself of sleep because of something you’ve heard on the nightly news. Milk, as we are often told, is a healthy part of a balanced diet. It does a body good, but naturally we understand your concern. A number of young mothers were probably warming bottles of the cow juice for their children when Paranjape’s tease came on and frightened them out of their wits. Countless Oreos went undunked over the weekend, and you were certainly not the only person who considered drenching their corn flakes with a lovely can of Meister-brau. What you have to remember is this: Whenever a TV news station scares the hell out of you for no good reason it’s just their way of reminding you that they care … about ratings. — Chris Davis
Plante: How It Looks
