Signs your kid is watching too much television:
After he wins a game of Monopoly against his fifth-grade buddies, he throws all the play money he’s won into the air and declares he’s “making it rain.”
On a field trip to the zoo, he stops at the zebra enclosure and asks why “that horse is playing the race card.”
When you ask him for his report card, he says, “Give me six more months and then you’ll see real progress.”
When you ask him what he’s studying, he says, “the lessons of 9/11.”
When the crossing guard stops him and asks him to throw away his soft drink before coming onto campus, your son grabs the guard’s knees, lifts him up, and delivers a nifty pile-driver.
At his school’s choir practice, he asks why they can’t just lip-sync.
When he sees a surfer on television, he asks, “Is that guy water-boarding?”
His school principal calls and says he’s ignoring his teachers in class. When you ask him why, he says he’s “shakin’ dem haterz off.”
He sees a picture of the Statue of Liberty and says, “Hey, where’s the cross?”
He worries that he has a “wide stance” in the bathroom.
When you start to criticize him, he interrupts and says, “Just leave a comment on my blog.”
He asks if he can “pimp his bike.”
He spends hours on his PlayStation NBA game creating his “signature dunk.”
When you ask him to take out the trash, he asks if this is “on tape.” When you say no, he asks for a Rolex.
He can sing all the words to the Corey B. Trotz commercial jingle.
He says something homophobic, and when you correct him, he says he’s just practicing because he wants to be a preacher when he grows up.
Bruce VanWyngarden
