An open letter to
Senators John McCain and Barack Obama:
Dear Mr.
President-to-be (and his graceful Runner-Up-to-be),
Before you save
the country, why not save a football program?
On behalf of all
Mid-Southerners, welcome to our neck of the woods. We know you’ll each be in top
form Friday night in Oxford, when Ole Miss students see the biggest on-campus
showdown since the Manning boys’ daddy was slinging the pigskin. Which brings me
to my reason for writing.
What better way to
wind down after your opening debate than to spend a Saturday afternoon doing
what every decent and God-fearing American does on such a fall day: watch some
football. And what better place for the next leader of the free world to enjoy
some blocking and tackling than in an arena called Liberty Bowl Memorial
Stadium? With kickoff between our Memphis Tigers and the Arkansas State Red
Wolves scheduled for 1 pm, you can be in a swing state by nightfall, knowing
you’ve done wonders for rescuing a crippled program that seems as bruised these
days as our nation’s economy. Tiger football, my presidential aspirants, is a
cause worth fighting for.
Hailing from
Arizona and Illinois — where the state universities are far more renowned for
basketball than football — I know you’ll empathize with a cause that, one year
after the next, falls under the considerable shadow of a roundball program that
makes national waves every time John Calipari appears on The Best Damn Sports
Show Period. (Okay, so the Illini reached the Rose Bowl last season. They’ve
done so twice in 40 years and lost by a combined score of 94-26.) Tiger
football, you see, embodies all that each of you have campaigned for: the
underdog, the fighter, the team given no chance, a group of young men audacious
enough to hope for victory against the odds, and a program left in the
conference equivalent of a POW camp (but with a name I know you both applaud:
Conference USA). How does this team stand up against the overwhelming strength
of SEC programs east, west, north, and south? Do your business in Oxford (as the
Tigers attempted in their season opener), then take the short drive north to
find out.
You see, with no
SEC team on the home schedule, this is the Tigers’ one chance to fill the
cavernous Liberty Bowl (capacity: 65,000). A team wearing blue (for you, Senator
Obama) and a team wearing red (for you, Senator McCain). Rest assured, Mr.
McCain, we won’t tell anyone if you sit on the side supporting a team from
Arkansas.
Oh, you’ll each
get your chance to earn some votes on November 4th. Instead of the Mighty Sound
of the South taking the field at halftime, you’ll each get ten minutes to share
with your audience the most critical components of your campaign. Coin flip (if
we can find one) to see who speaks first. Bonus points to the candidate who
draws the best parallel between fixing a country and fixing a college football
team looking for its first decent win of the season.
Please make sure
you bring your running mates with you to the game. Based on their roots, Joe
Biden and Sarah Palin are probably the only two adults who will be thoroughly
impressed by the Memphis-ASU showdown. I don’t care how many lower-division
championships the University of Delaware has won, the Tigers would beat the snot
out of any team that calls itself the Blue Hens. As for Ms. Palin’s perspective,
the average attendance at the Liberty Bowl last season (29,670) is almost five
times the population of Wasilla, Alaska. She’ll think she’s landed in the Big
House in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And the Tiger has yet to be born that needs any
lipstick.
The economy’s in
the toilet. Wars on more fronts than we can count. Coasts ravaged by hurricanes.
Any presidential problem-solver, though, needs a bit of training. I present to
you, Number 44: University of Memphis football.
See you at the
game!
