The Gadfly
I have a question for all you cell phone addicts: do you
find yourself shopping for a waterproof cell phone just so you don’t miss any
calls while you’re in the shower? Amazingly,
there is at least one, though I doubt in-shower use was its motivation.
Surely, my cellulista friends, you cannot be disconnected from the outside
world for a nanosecond, much less for the time it takes to shampoo your hair or
wash your fanny. Cellphone-itis has gotten so bad, I’ve noticed walkers in my
neighborhood on their phones as they encourage Fido to do his thing. Hey,
“walkie talkies:” why not just invite your indispensable phone buddies to walk
with you. Maybe you could put a leash on them (and pick up their poo) too, while
you’re at it.
Which is to say, my disgust with cell phone ubiquity (and
the insufferableness of its users) is reaching critical mass. For some time I’ve
been tempted to take the unacceptability of cell phone omnipresence into my own
hands. There are a variety of tactics available to deal with the boors who think
the world should revolve around their cell phone conversations, wherever they
happen to be. My favorite tactic was demonstrated by one of my heros, Larry
David (the creator of the iconic “Seinfeld” TV series), on his HBO series, “Curb
Your Enthusiasm.” Confronted with a restaurant patron sitting at the table next
to his, blabbing
into one of those blue tooth earpieces that make it seem like you’re talking
to yourself, he (Larry) starts talking to himself, as though he’s having a cell
phone conversation. The tactic has the desired effect, with the oblivious phone
monger, annoyed by David’s imaginary conversation (“at least I’m talking to a
real person”), leaving the restaurant in a huff. I’ve found that it’s even more
effective if you repeat, verbatim and at an even higher decibel level, the
conversation the obnoxious talker is having, in that annoying way children learn
to repeat everything a split second after somone’s said it. Some cell phone
scolds have taken their grievances to a whole new level, using
the information they glean from loud-mouthed cell fiends against them.
If I had my druthers, though, I wouldn’t leave home without
my trusty cell phone jammer. Yes, for only about a hundred bucks you too can
take back the space in your immediate vicinity by disabling cell phone
communication for several feet in all directions. Even though they’re illegal
(go ahead, arrest me), jammers
are widely available on the internet<. Oh, how I’ve fantasized about
carrying one of these little wonders in my pocket when I go into a public place
and am subjected to some inane (and oh-so-important) conversation within
earshot. Just imagine the power this little gizmo gives you to take back your
aural space in public places. Go ahead, cell phoner: make my day!
Cell phones have become a pox on society. And now, of
course, as if talking on them wasn’t obnoxious enough, we’ve had the explosion
of using them to text message, as well as to “tweet.” Don’t get me started on
“tweeting.” Actually, it’s
too late. Had an amazing orgasm or an awesome fart? Tweet about it.
Someone’s bound to be interested. I am convinced that civilization, as we know
it, will come to an end, if not by the vast, and increasing, disparity between
the haves and the have-nots, then by our inability to go for minutes at a time
without “reaching
out and touching” someone. I’m beginning to understand what Greta Garbo had
in mind when she uttered her
trademark line.
Of course, there’s little doubt using a communication
device while driving is dangerous, estimates being that cell
phone users are responsible for thousands of injuries (and hundreds of deaths)
each year, the result being that restrictions on texting, and even on
conversing while driving, have become justifiably widespread. “Hang up and
drive” is still very good advice. Unfortunately, cell phone addiction is finding
even
newer ways to enable it, although, in a hopeful sign, the addicts are
implementing their own one-step
version of a self-help program.
The ultimate comeuppance for cell phone addicts is the
increasing body of evidence that cell phone usage may be hazardous to health. A
definitive study on this (which also debunks the industry’s surprising
“findings” to the contrary) has just recently been released. And, the World
Health Organization is reportedly ready to release the report
of a long-term study with a similar conclusion. Of course, the cell phone
manufacturers vehemently deny any causal connection, and though I am one of the
few remaining skeptics who believes that if you condition a lab rat to do
anything (sex?) frequently enough you’ll find it causes cancer, I’m not stupid
enough to deny that some behaviors are unacceptably risky (e.g., texting while
driving). As for the cell phone industry’s denial, remember how vehemently the
tobacco industry denied their product’s link to cancer. It took nearly 50 years
for the dangers of tobacco to become generally recognized. The same for many
other environmental toxins, including asbestos. And, don’t think those silly
looking blue tooth ear pieces offer any protection, or even that just
carrying your phone on your hip avoids risks.
So, it appears that Darwinian principles may eventually
kick in when it comes to cell phone users. Meantime, celluslistas: STFU when
you’re around me. Besides, you never know when I might be carrying that jammer.
