Dear readers,
As you may have read on our website (or, ahem, in that other newspaper), our dear senior editor Mary Cashiola has taken a job in Mayor A C Wharton’s office. That means your advice goddess (that would be me) will be taking on some editing duties for the Flyer’s Fly-By section. For the time being, I’ll also be maintaining my events editor duties, and that means I simply don’t have time to solve your problems anymore. I care about your problems. I really do. But you’ll have to look elsewhere for advice. I will, however, take some precious time to answer one last plea for help.
Dear Bianca,
Admittedly, I am not “girlfriend” material. I am bipolar, and it has taken a long time to find the right combination of medications that work for me. When I get too stressed and hyper, I stop taking my meds and escape with a few bottles of alcohol.
I have no clue why my boyfriend has stayed with me. I have put him through hell with my mental illness every day. We have been together for over two years and have lived together for a year.
He has never been affectionate towards me, and he never compliments me on my looks. I wait for him to initiate sex because when I try, he says he is tired. We very rarely have sex. He says it’s because when we do, he wants it to be special. He will only tell me he loves me if I ask him directly.
The most disturbing part is that he spends all his time online. He gets up in the morning and goes straight to the computer. He comes home from work, goes straight to the computer, and stays online until he goes to bed. He is a member of fourteen dating websites. He goes to live cam sex sites and porn sites. He tries to hide this activity from me, but the history is on his computer. I don’t understand why he is staying with me.
— Lonely in a Relationship
Dear Lonely,
The real question is, why are you staying with him? You may have some mental health issues, but that’s no excuse for his lack of affection or his whoring around online. It sounds like he’s just not that into you, but he’s too much of a wussy to break up. Or maybe he relies on you for something, like a roof over his head or a car. Maybe he likes the comfort of knowing he can have sex whenever he wants but only when he wants. It sounds like he’s either a wimp or he’s using you, and neither is acceptable.
This situation is not fair for you, and it’s no way for you to live your life. I’m no psychiatrist, but I’d bet your happiness in the relationship has an effect on your mental well-being too.
I have no problem with people in relationships enjoying a little porn. But the fact that he’s on dating sites is really messed up. Why would he be on dating sites unless he’s cheating or planning to?
You need to ditch this guy. And then you need to work on yourself. When you say you’re not “girlfriend” material, it sounds like you’re blaming your selfish asshat boyfriend’s lack of affection on yourself. You need to spend a little time being single and learning to love yourself and all your little eccentricities.
You should also seek out help from a substance-abuse group on how to maintain your meds without turning to alcohol. Once that issue is under control, you may be ready to date again. Next time, I hope you end up with someone who actually cares about you.
