I count myself lucky to never have used a dating app. I’ve pretty much been in one long-term relationship or another since high school, with blips of single/dating life between, so I’ve never had a need to join in the endless swiping — or whatever y’all are doing — on the variety of such apps that have become prevalent in recent years. I’m also glad to have been part of the meeting-people-in-person generation, before the World Wide Web took over so many aspects of our lives, including finding our perfect (or even just an okay) match via a never-ending selection of head shots and “about me” blurbs.
Hearing single friends dish on dating disasters, inappropriate DMs, and all sorts of meet-up mishaps is mind-numbing. Is it really that bad out there? Out of curiosity — and yes, research for this very column — I recently joined a local Facebook dating group, which claims it’s “a place for women to protect and empower other women while warning each other of men who might be liars, cheaters, abusers, or exhibit any type of toxic or dangerous behavior.” I’d found that dozens of my female friends — single, married, or otherwise partnered-up — were members (along with more than 6,500 others), and, well, I wanted to see what was going on in there.
The premise is harmless enough. You can find out if you’re getting played and/or warn others about abusive, cheating, narcissistic, or generally “toxic” men. But the reality is a little more convoluted. At times, it’s like witnessing a Jerry Springer episode unfold, with accusations and below-the-belt jabs in the comments sections. And so many of the posts — which typically include a photo of the gentleman in question, along with the inquiry “[tea emoji] or [red flag emoji]?” — are published anonymously, appearing as a question from an unknown “Group member.” I understand there could be circumstances that would necessitate anonymity when it comes to this type of thing, but after a few days as a silent observer, it’s leaving a bad taste. Are some of these “group members” simply hoping to stir the pot? Are they jilted lovers trolling for others to bash their ex or to prevent him from moving forward in another relationship? Wanting to start drama with current girlfriends, partners, or potentials? Some women provide info or experiences without the added bashing — and offer positive responses and recommendations to go ahead and date the guy — but it seems the group’s intent has been stretched into some warped reality-TV type territory. Grab your popcorn and settle into this week’s shit show.
I remember the days when you had to actually talk to and hang around a person to figure out if they were a creep or not. Never did I have the option to screenshot someone’s dating profile and post a poll for reviews. “Talked twice and then he ghosted me.” “He was nice but wanted to cuddle all the time, and we only chatted for a couple weeks.” “Total sex addict.” “Says he doesn’t have kids but has two who have nothing to do with him.” “Lives with his mom.” You get the idea. It’s a weird time we’re living in.
This group frames a bleak picture of the overall dating landscape in Memphis — and not just for women. But if the couples highlighted in this week’s cover story are any indication, enduring love exists. Their stories show that love isn’t just the butterflies and rainbows (though it has its magical moments) but also the challenges and growth two people experience on their journey together, the development of patience and understanding that carries them through the years.
You can find your person if you hang in there — perhaps without even trying. You may very well cross paths in the unlikeliest of places, off screen, in real life — in line at the bank, browsing the aisles of Cash Saver, or sitting at the bar of your favorite restaurant. Maybe you were too shy to introduce yourself to the cutie you locked eyes with at Hollywood Feed but you can’t get them out of your noggin. Let us help! We’re reviving the Flyer’s “I Saw You” missed connections. Send yours to isawyou@memphisflyer.com, and we’ll publish them in an upcoming issue. True love could be right around the corner.
