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News News Feature

Million-Dollar Home Club

It’s back. The dreaded property reappraisal that is, and this time Shelby County Assessor Rita Clark and her staff are promising extra-close scrutiny of the biggest and most expensive homes.

The reappraisal is due to be finished in April 2001. If homeowners feel like they’ve been through this before well, they have. It’s the second reappraisal in three years and the fourth in ten years, following the decade of the 1980s when the assessor’s office (under different leadership) failed to complete the job. Normally a reappraisal is done every four years, but Shelby County is on a three-year cycle this time because of delays in the last reappraisal.

By state law, appraisals are supposed to be at market value. In the strong economy, home sales prices have generally been going up, making a reappraisal tantamount to a tax increase for many homeowners. The difference between a $200,000 house and a $300,000 house in the city of Memphis, for example, is $1,727 a year in property taxes.

But the 1998 reappraisal, like its forerunners, missed the target on so-called “high-end” homes. In a spot survey in Memphis magazine two years ago, some houses that sold for over $1 million were appraised at half that amount or less. Other wealthy homeowners got their appraisals reduced on appeal under questionable circumstances. The resulting publicity led to a nasty break-up of Clark and one of her top appraisers.

The 2001 reappraisal is being led by Cheyenne Johnson, a 14-year veteran of the assessor’s office. In an interview, she and Clark said “we are doing everything we can” to identify possible errors in high-end appraisals including field checks and verifying square footage, permit information, and comparable sales. A complete report on high-end appraisals will be finished by the end of the year.

The assessor’s office defines “high-end” as over $600,000 and 4,000 square feet. There are an estimated 6,000 high-end parcels in the county.

“An appraisal is an opinion of value,” says Clark, elected to a second term in August.

“There is no way a mass appraisal can adjust to every situation. The problem with the high end is that you just don’t have a large number of comparable sales.”

In September, the Multiple Listings Service (MLS) of the Memphis Area Association of Realtors showed 44 homes either sold or listed for over $1 million since 1998. Twelve homes had been sold, two more sales were pending, 26 were still on the market, and four listings had been taken off the market.

This list does not include new construction. If this year’s Vesta Home Show is any indication, million-dollar homes are becoming more common in Shelby County. Five of the six homes on the tour were priced at over $1 million.

“We have had more sales over $1 million between the last reappraisal and this one than we have ever had,” says Robert Trouy, manager of residential maintenance for the Assessor’s office.

With two exceptions, sale prices were higher than the 1998 appraisal values, which is not surprising since the numbers are nearly three years old. Given the general rate of housing inflation since 1998, Clark and John-son were satisfied with most of their valuations. If a sale falls within 80 to 110 percent of the 1998 reappraisal, it is “validated” by the office.

In some cases where sales price and appraisal were far apart, they found that the sale had not been validated because there were unusual circumstances such as a family or corporate relationship between the buyer and seller, inclusion of personal property, or a large piece of prime property that can be subdivided for future homes.

If the sale was indeed an arms-length transaction and the sale price and appraisal are still far apart, then Johnson and Trouy try to find out why. This may include a field inspection.

“By law we can’t go in the house but we can go on the property,” Johnson says.

If the office concludes that its appraisal is too low, it can make an adjustment in the next reappraisal but not until then.

To illustrate some of the issues in high-end appraisals, Memphis magazine looked at public records for three homes in different parts of Shelby County that each sold recently for more than $1 million. Then we asked Clark’s staff to comment.

¥ 517 East Parkway South. This Midtown home built in 1923 is currently appraised at $459,000 by Clark’s office. It sold for $519,000 in 1995. The owners took out permits that year for remodeling valued at $143,000. They more than got their money back. Last year the house sold for $1,370,000.

Trouy explains that the current appraisal is based on the 1995 sale and improvements. Midtown, he says, is especially hard to value because of the variety of housing conditions and the scarcity of high-end sales.

Based on the most recent validated arms-length sale, however, this appraisal is likely to jump next year, he said.

¥ 5885 Garden River Cove. This house was built in 1996 in one of the most expensive sections of East Memphis. The building permit for the new construction was for $500,000 plus $90,000 of improvements, but the house appears to be worth much more than that. It is appraised at $758,600.

The house has been sold three times in the last two years, and on two other occasions the owners filed quit claims, which is a way to transfer property to an estate. The first sale, in January 1999, was for $2,999,000; the second sale was for $2,700,000 in April of this year; and the most recent sale, in June, was for $2,750,000. The owners have included a corporate CEO, a physician, and a merchant.

Trouy was puzzled by the sales, which were not validated. Other homes in the neighborhood sold for $150 to $200 a square foot, but this one sold for around $325 a foot.

“You will rarely see sales in excess of $200 a square foot in Shelby County with the exception of custom houses like the Quantum House,” he says.

¥ 2847 Keasler Circle West. This house in East Germantown sold for $664,300 in 1996 and is appraised at $646,400.

In 1999, it sold for $1,350,000, although there was no permit activity between sales. So the house seems to have doubled in value in three years. Trouy says this could be due to general growth in the Collierville/Germantown area. The appraisal is likely to be much higher next time because of the sale price and fact that there are more comparables.

Here is a complete listing of homes that sold for over $1 million in the last two years, with the 1998 appraisal in parentheses.

1. 163 Cloister Green Cove, $1,338,500 (sale pending)

2. 2556 Houston Levee Road, $1,197,000 (sale pending)

3. 517 East Parkway South, $1,370,000 ($459,000).

4. 6381 Swan Nest Cove, $1,000,000 ($792,000)

5. 5965 River Oaks Road, $1,000,000 ($1,048,200)

6. 5849 Garden River Cove, $1,050,000 ($894,000)

7. 5885 Garden River Cove, $2,750,000 ($746,300)

8. 2412 Carter’s Grove Lane, $1,200,000 ($1,234,000)

9. 9485 Inglewood Cove, $1,000,000 ($745,700)

10. 2590 Johnson Road, $1,150,000 ($673,800)

11. 9282 Ingleside Farms Rd. N., $1,175,000 ($858,000)

12. 2847 Keasler Circle W., $1,350,000 ($569,000)

13. 9293 Poplar Avenue, $1,362,608 ($233,300)

14. 835 Bray Station Rd., $1,425,000 ($673,000)

[This story originally appeared in the November issue of Memphis magazine.

Categories
Sports Sports Feature

ROYCE GRACIE WORKSHOP

Dan Severn’s got nothing on me.

On a beautiful, sunny, late fall day I threw Royce Gracie to the mat. Three times.

Martial arts and no-holds barred fighting fans will be familiar with the Gracie name, but many of you have probably never heard of Royce (pronounced “Hoyce”). Usually called by his first name since his 20 brothers are also internationally accomplished fighters, Royce is the best known of the Gracie clan due to his multiple Ultimate Fighting Championship wins.

In UFC IV, Severn saw months of training squeezed into oblivion by the slender, unassuming, Brazilian. Royce Gracie, the man who got the better of Severn, weighed about 100 pounds less than the master wrestler yet still managed to wrap his legs around Severn’s thick neck and shoulders and squeeze the big man into a tap out.

Likewise, in UFC V, Ken Shamrock felt the same relentless power. For over 30 minutes he and Gracie lay entwined on the mat, an occasional shift in positioning the only sign that they were both still in the fight. As boring as it was to watch (I got up twice during the Pay-Per-View match to make popcorn for my friends.) I couldn’t help but stare in amazement as Shamrock’s, who outweighed Gracie by at least 50 pounds, strength diminished, the muscular behemoth surrendering to skinny Royce’s boa constrictor-like hold. Finally, the referee and judges broke up the match and declared it to be a tie, knowing that it could go on for hours if left unchecked. After that the UFC instituted time limits — the reason why Royce says he will not fight in the UFC again.

This modern day martial arts legend was in Memphis on that fabled fall day for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu workshop and a training session with the West Memphis police department. His visit was arranged by Chad Chilcutt, the head instructor at Memphis Karate Institute and the workshop was held at the Institute’s Wimbleton Sportsplex location.

On the day of the workshop the eager students arrived at 9 a.m. mostly gi-clad and bleary eyed. They laughed and stretched out, awaiting the day’s lesson. When it looked like everyone was there, Royce raised his fingers to his lips and wheezed two short, loud, whistles. Like Pavlov’s dogs, the students hurriedly gathered in the center of a room that had grown as quiet as a church.

Royce pulled one high-ranking student into the middle of the crowd to help demonstrate the first technique. They went over the move several times and then everyone paired off and began attempting it. Royce walked around the room, eying each of the approximately 50 students, offering suggestions and demonstrating again when necessary. Predictably, his moves were fluid and effortless, his legs would lock on his opponents and trap them in much the same way he trapped Severn and Shamrock. Conversely, the students’ moves were fumbling, their legs would shoot up into the air and then jut into position, as graceful as jackhammers. This was the pattern the four and a half hour workshop would follow, with about 45 minutes added at the end for the students to spar each other.

Many of the workshop participants had driven long distances for the chance to learn from a master and several appeared to have strong-armed their loved ones into coming with them. Though only two women were on the mat in their gi’s learning the holds, several more sat on the sidelines, reading books or magazines, obvious casualties of a significant others’ desire to learn from a Gracie.

To put Royce’s accomplishments and abilities on a pedestrian level, if you put Royce in a ring with Tyson, Royce would win. If you put him in a ring with Ali, Royce would win. If you put him in a ring one on one with Bruce Lee, Don the Dragon, Van Damme, Steven Seagal, The Rock, Stone Cold – any of the well known brawlers- Royce would win each match, get up, and stroll out, without even looking tired. Perhaps this explains my giddiness at feeling this man’s weight being propelled to the ground by my own.

Granted, he let me throw him, if fact he showed me how to do it. Nevertheless, it felt good to see someone who has left hulks of men quivering and whimpering in the Octagon, go sailing over your shoulder. Three times.

Granted, I had to ask him to let me do it. Actually, I asked if he would demonstrate a technique on me and he suggested that I demonstrate one on him. A martial artist myself, this would be akin to Eric Clapton asking the lead guitarist in a high school garage band to show him some riffs. I was hardly up to the challenge. By the way, in addition to being a master of his craft, he’s really hot and has an adorable Brazilian accent. So I stuck my arm out and followed his instructions, not sure if said arm was trembling out of respect for this man, or out of attraction to him. But by the third throw my shakes had slightly subsided and I was about to start kicking my own ass for not bringing a camera.

According to Chilcutt, Royce makes it to Memphis about once a year and other instructors from his Gracie Jiu Jitsu Academy in Los Angeles are in town about every few months to teach similar workshops.

Maybe if I start practicing now I can show Royce a thing or two when he comes this way again.

Categories
News News Feature

Barksdale’s Web and Snake Story

At first glance Federal Express and Netscape seem to have little in common. Little, that is, except for Jim Barksdale.

Barksdale, a former Memphian who has received accolades from a string of business and technology watchdogs, came back to the Bluff City on Tuesday to speak at The Orpheum to a packed room of tech-heads and would-be entrepreneurs. Barksdale, as keynote speaker for the Chamber of Commerce’s Memphis Technology Summit, entertained all present with a brand of folksy humor not expected from a guy who made his fortune in wireless telephones, package shipping, and Internet searching.

“If you see a snake, do not call a committee on snakes, do not make a phone call about the snake, do not send e-mails about the snake – kill the snake,” Barksdale said to the group, paraphrasing Ross Perot and explaining the management theory that he used while taking Netscape from 100 employees to 3,000. Barksdale went on to highlight two additional “snake” rules used by Netscape, these not derived from Perot.

“The second snake rule is this, ‘Never play with dead snakes.’”

After pausing for a moment while the crowd laughed, Barksdale explained that some employees tend to rehash the death of an idea, a.k.a. “a dead snake.”

“The third snake rule,” said Barksdale, “is this — All opportunities start off looking like a snake. If it’s not a problem, don’t kill it. But if it is a problem and you can fix it, you can provide a service to someone else, and they might even pay for it.”

This third snake rule is the one that Barksdale said played most heavily during the early days at Netscape.

Operationally speaking, there are few similarities between FedEx and Netscape. One, the international shipping giant that made overnight delivery a reality and the other, the communications company that made surfing the web possible for the technology challenged. But besides Barksdale, and according to him, both companies took advantage of converging technologies and this was the theme of his speech.

“Converging technologies are two or more technologies that come together at the right time,” explained Barksdale, picking up on the theme of the day-long workshop the Chamber of Commerce had arranged to highlight the advantages Memphis offers to technology companies.

Ending his speech, Barksdale offered three pieces of advice: “First, figure out what you’re interested in, then figure out what road to take, and watch out for any snakes in the road.”

Categories
Politics Politics Beat Blog

How It Looked in Austin

AUSTIN – I’m out of the closet. I can’t report objectively anymore. I was a

Gore girl, albeit by default, and even here, in the middle of this state fair-like brouhaha in the Texas capitol, I have yet to catch Bush fever.

More and more votes are pouring in for the Texas governor. States are falling all over the electoral map. The television pundits are declaring

George W. Bush a winner.

Eardrum rattling techno music angrily competes for my ear drums with aspirited mariachi band. I am sitting on a curb, my butt half on a pile of cables that allows reporters to file their stories and, according to

Southwestern Bell flacks, could “wrap around the state capital building 200 times!”

Well, of course they could. It costs $270 to plug in my laptop to file this story, not including the $12-a-minute phone line connection. Take your connection and shove it, Telephone Man. It1s cold and rainy and grey. Bring on the blues, Jimmy Vaughn. Play on, sir, no matter how much you’re banking for this gig. I’m tired of writing down how much it costs to get a coffee inside the event tent ($4.50).

Images form on a Bush/Cheney jumbotron screen directly in front of me. There are probably more than a thousand people turned toward the screen.

They are packed shoulder to shoulder, in poof-balled winter hats and scarves, pawing steaming cups of whatever will keep their faces from freezing in the unusually frigid night. Ah, the communal American experience — watching on big television what is being televised on smaller televisions.

The theme to Rocky is loud enough to vibrate teeth. It’s background

soundtrack for the governor of Texas on videotape, kissing babies from New York state to the Golden Gate. He’s reading– oops, showing pictures—to school kids in North Dakota, shaking hands with an elderly man in a diner, talking to undecided Floridians, pecking at corn on the cob in Iowa. And then, the weirdness.

“That’s one small step for Bush, one gi-unt leap for Ameracuns!” booms the voiceover. The sound of a space rocket firing up thunders from the Jumbotron’s speakers. “This is Cap’n Bush. Git ridda fur the ride of yur lahf! We will be pros-pers and go forth with ger-rate expectations! We have ger-rate expectations!”

The crowd cheers, taking in this gimmicky SNL-like skit. Following the Starship muzac was a zippadee-doodah Texas cheerleading techno version of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” People snapped pictures of the Jumbotron. Others laughed and gnawed on their sausage-on-a-stick or funnel cakes. Two elderly women wearing matching nylon jogging suits, Reebok tennis shoes, and glittering “Bush 2000” glasses, embraced and then took pictures of each other taking pictures. A supernova flash of light erupted near the high bleachers reserved for broadcast journalists. A Texas A & M student who had volunteered, along with hundreds of his buddies, to work security bragged to me that they had assembled the pyramid-like structure. I hoped they hadn’t modeled it after the college’s infamous log bonfire.

A note about security numbers:

Number of checkpoints around the state capitol, according to Austin police: 73 .

Number of times I had to turn on my laptop at checkpoints to perform an “electronics monitor” 7

Patdowns: 2

Times asked to show picture ID, media credentials, plus other form of ID: 4

Number of minutes it took me to convince a security guard that my bottle opener keychain is not a Ninja weapon: 2 minutes

Number of jokes it’s smart to tell about having a bomb: zero

Body cavity searches: None, but it might have been too cold for that.

The security hold-ups and Russian bread-line waits did not slow down the Bush supporters. They had one objective — to get close to the capitol building, swathed for some unknown reason in a heinous green light, where Bush was scheduled to make a speech sometime, well, tonight.

Most of the reporters– and there seemed to be at least two for every citizen– appeared stoned from fatigue, particularly one I spoke to who hadn’t been home in a year. She’d been traveling with Gore and was telling me in a crazy, quadruple-espresso tone that playing checkers with the Veep was the highlight of her journey. You laugh, but it would inspire any young journalist, wouldn’t it? I was reminded of the night before, which I had spent with several prominent national pundits, getting sloggered and pulling the rip-cords on our mouths.

I mentioned to them that I was staying with a student at University of Texas and that she was considering not voting at all, that she was disgusted with the two party candidates padding their pockets with corporate bribes.

To her, the defining slivers of distinction were entrenched in social issues, particularly the conventional wisdom that a Gore ticket would better safeguard legalized abortion, affirmative action, and the environment. Those who did vote this election — as Gore and Bush apparently have given us a cliffhanger for the ages — might feel for the first time Wednesday morning that their vote did indeed count.

Earlier, boos had erupted from the crowd — which ballooned to nearly 25,000– when the networks prematurely announced that Gore had captured Florida. But the networks back off of that call and it becomes apparent as the night wears on that the final results are anything but final. Florida remains “too close to call” into the wee hours, and into the next day. Irony of ironies, the Sunshine State becomes the focus of the nation, a prom date tease for Dubya from his brother Jeb. Could one governor/brother deliver for another? On this night the answer never came.

Categories
News News Feature

Disillusioned in Austin

Next to the Billion Bubba March and 6th Street after dark, Austin, Texas is a pretty great place to hang your hat for a couple of days — well, if you can find a coatrack that isn’t guarded by the police. Don’t forget the right credentials. Oh, and it’s a good idea not to be a protester, a Ralph Nader supporter, or the Green Party’s main man himself. The average Austinite trying to go to work, get to school, get on with life as usual, woke up Tuesday morning to their fine city more heavily barricaded than the Alamo.

Austin appears to be Bush country from convenience stores papered in the candidate’s posters to Bush/Cheney litter strewn UT campus. To show its support for the son of Bush, the city council moved to spend a little taxpayer dough to construct looming red, white, and blue plume-like archways to show their patriotism. A friend and student at UT whom I’m slumming with this election night just rolled her eyes at it all, opting to take a longer route to drop me off in the middle of Congress Avenue’s impending circus.

“Nobody that I know cares too much,” she said, sighing. “We’re in the middle of exams. There are probably a lot of students who aren’t going to vote. If I vote for Nader, I’m voting for Bush. If I vote for Gore, I’ll vomit. He’s phony. And Bush is even less an option.”

I don’t know why, but as soon as I got to her campus apartment, I felt like ordering a pizza, putting on a sweatshirt, sleeping late, and forgetting about it all.

Instead I met a group of prominent journalists for drinks at the downtown Hyatt. Reporters always find a way to get together and drink during major news events. One of the hotshots to my right told me that what the UT student had predicted was really good news.

“That’s better than the national average, isn’t it? Or something like that?” He confessed that he doesn’t listen to readers of his D.C.-based national magazine because they distract him.

“Your friend has it probably right on there,” he said. “She’s right; not a lot of people your age are going to the poles tomorrow.” Then he went back to a long pontification about the Green Party’s “subtle introduction of advanced sociology similar to Vladimir Putin’s hoped for regime which is antithetical to Reaganomics contrary to what most pundits are saying.”

I had another drink. I read three story leads in the Austin Statesman newspaper that began with poll results. I listened to the other reporters analyze very deeply and thoroughly the very analytical and deep implications of this election. And when I got back to my friends’ apartment, I wished her good luck on her exam, and said I understood perfectly well why she might not vote. Disconnect between the establishment — the politicians, the well-paid journalists, the pundits and the voters is what will linger long after we know tonight’s election results.

Disillusioned and disappointed in Austin — Ashley Fantz.

(You can write Ashley Fantz at ashley@memphisflyer.com)

Categories
News News Feature

Mr. Ward Goes to Washington

WASHINGTON, DC — It’s not the only house in D.C., but maybe the toughest.

Memphis public defender Mark Ward held his cool under intense pressure Wednesday to present a controversial case before the U.S. Supreme Court. Weathering both sharply critical and insightful questions from the justices, Ward argued that the Tennessee Supreme Court cannot retroactively punish an already convicted person, even if state laws change after the crime.

That’s the legal issue at hand. The details of the case are a bit more messy.

Six years ago, Wilbert Rogers was invited to play cards with one of his buddyÕs wives. His friend was in jail at the time and when Rogers arrived at the woman’s house, he met another man, Ira Bowdery, allegedly the woman’s boyfriend. The three played cards into the night — drinking and smoking dope. Rogers lost about $20 to Bowdery, who eventually retired to the bedroom with the woman.

The following few hours were very sobering. Rogers admitted to bursting in the bedroom door with a butcher knife and attacking Bowdery. One of those swings sliced clean into Bowdery’s heart. While the woman hysterically chased Rogers as he fled the home, Bowdery — bloody and barely coherent — stumbled through the door of a neighbor’s trailer. They took Bowdery to the hospital where he clung to life for over a year-and-a-half before dying in 1995. Rogers was convicted of first degree murder, and is serving a 33-year prison sentence.

Ward argued before the Supreme Court that RogersÕ defense should have been in accordance with the laws on the books at the time he attacked Bowdery. That law in question stipulates that a defendant cannot be tried for first-degree murder if the victim does not die within a year and a day of an assault. It was was written in 1907 and abolished by the state legislature in 1997.

“The law was reasonable a hundred years ago when we didn’t have the medical advances to keep someone alive for that long,” said Ward in September while preparing for his allotted 30 minutes before the high court “A person should be punished under the law existing at the time of his crime. If retroactive application of laws is allowable, then where does that stop?”

In early 1997, Rogers appealed to the Sixth Circuit Court to consider the year-and-a-day law and reduce his sentence. The court rejected the appeal. Rogers then appealed to the state Supreme Court who agreed with the Sixth Circuit. But, most significantly, the Tennessee Supreme Court also ruled that the year-and-a-day law was archaic and no longer applicable in murder trials.

The question before the U.S. Supreme Court is whether the Tennessee Supreme Court can retroactively apply its 1999 ruling abolishing a law for a defendant whose criminal act occurred five years earlier.

Wednesday afternoon Ward had to argue not just the legality of the issue, but why the court should be lenient on a confessed killer, whose only defense is that his victim lived longer than expected.

“There’s an aura of unreality about your case,” Justice Sandra Day O’Conner said. “It seems to me that your client is just taking advantage of this law. I mean, I have to ask, ‘What purpose does it serve to make concessions for a murderer?’ It’s reasonable to assume that he hoped Mr. Bowdery would die.”

Infliction of a mortal wound, the justices could rule, is enough to constitute punishable first-degree homicide.

Tennessee Solicitor General Michael Moore used that rationale, but made it only a minor component of his argument. Moore told the U.S. Supreme Court that the year-and-a-day law was irrelevant, or a “loophole principle,” when reasonably assuming that the first thing on Rogers’ mind was to kill.

Ward referenced Bouie v. City of Columbia which barred retroactive application of any laws pertaining to criminal statutes.

Ward also pointed out that the majority of America’s courts have not applied their rulings retroactively. That fact contradicted Moore’s brief.

He writes that the Tennessee appeals court rejection of the year-and-a-day rule was not “unexpected,” but that common law courts across the country abandoning it should have indicated that Tennessee would have followed suit.

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of Rogers v. Tennessee is that state prosecutors are already exhuming bodies of individuals who died more than a year after they were attacked. These people were victims of crimes before the 1999 Rogers ruling abolishing the year-and-a-day law.

And it wouldn’t be a day in Washington without talk of politics. The Tennessee Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers has issued a statement in support of Rogers. Because state appellate judges are pressured to maintain a tough-on-crime image with voters, they might be persuaded to apply retroactive laws that seem harsher than the laws in existence when a crime was committed.

A decision of the case is expected before the end of the Supreme Court’s winter session.

(You can write Ashley Fantz at ashley@memphisflyer.com)

Categories
Politics Politics Feature

This Vote’s For You

SAINT LOUIS — It would have been no surprise for Bill Clinton to have poked out from behind the curtains last night at the final presidential debate. Clearly, American voters have earned a toast. And who better to give one than the man who has shown that he knows an easy conquest when he sees it.

I regret to report that the Green Party is winning the race for the nation’s next Commander in Chief — and I’m not talking about Ralph.

At least the journalists, the ones who are entrusted to deliver objective observations of what’s really behind those velvety blue Oz-like debate curtains, have been bought and sold all for the sake of some freebies.

Herded into the debate media tent were thousands of journalists from across the globe talking in their native tongue: garbled mouth fulls of free food and liquor. The open-all-evening bar offering Budweiser products (of course) was only half as popular a way to pass the hours before show time as having a flirty chat with the Bud Girls. Like perky perfume women at the mall, they gave out frosted Election 2000 collector’s mugs.

Most reporters declined the glasses because they were carrying too much already. In three free tote bags donated with various corporate labels, they lugged around complimentary t-shirts and baseball caps in between games of Budweiser foosball, air hockey, and ping pong. I suppose most wanted to savor their Southwestern Bell advertising packet for quieter times back at their hotels, especially those taking off on the Bush plane Wednesday morning when the candidate continues mangling his verbiage in the Northeast. A ticket to ride with W. costs news agencies $1,000 or more a day. That, of course, makes the cost of filing this story – which I had to do from Washington University’s Athletic Complex cum reporter bullpen – mere pocket change at $100 per phone line.

Reporters were confined to the pen all night. The auditorium was a coveted place, a mythical up-close-and-personal land that old curmudgeon journalists remember from elections decades ago. So, in an enormous gymnasium, reporters watched Gore and Bush duke it out on television. If Citibank had the foresight similar to their competitors, they could have banked a killing with a commercial — the ending going something like, “A ticket to one of the presidential debates . . . priceless.”

Unless you were an American with a heavy checkbook who gave heartily to the Bush or Gore campaign, getting a seat in the auditorium face-to-face with them remained a silly fantasy of true Democracy. Lucky students at Washington University won raffle tickets to the show but were ultimately told to stay back and keep quiet.

PBS journalist Jim Lehrer, who hosted all three debates by himself, announced before the debate began that a diverse group of undecided voters would get the opportunity to ask the Bush and Gore a variety of questions. However, he failed to mention that the people were hand-picked by the organization that runs the debates, the Commission for Presidential Debates, a filtering agency that complies with the desires of only the Bush and Gore camps without consulting third-party candidates Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan. Given the questions Tuesday afternoon, Lehrer chose which ones the candidates would address — but not before briefing Gore and Bush’s advisors about subjects of the questions first! So much for quick thinking and spontaneity.

There has been much grumbling from third party candidates that the commission has excluded them. Nader announced to a paltry audience of no more than 40 supporters that he has filed suit against the University of Michigan, the candidates themselves, and the Commission for Presidential Debates for blocking his entrance into the first debate.

“I had a ticket,” he explained to the mostly college-age crowd. “Our car was pulled over and a man who called himself a security officer told me that he had been instructed by the commission to order me to leave whether I had a ticket or not.”

Nader said that his banishment from the University of Michigan campus that night meant he had to cancel a prearranged post-debate commentary with Fox News.

Nader said he didn’t have a ticket to Tuesday night’s debate. When asked if would consider attempting to force his way onto Washington University’s heavily-policed campus and onto the debate, he replied, “No, I prefer to be the plaintiff in all matters, never the defendant.”

As I was writing notes in my complimentary Budweiser note pad, I started to give Nader’s strong accusations more credit. But, hanging my head low in disappointment, I, like most other journalists, filed this story and made a bee-line toward the fully Bud-stocked bar.

(You can write Ashley Fantz at freeland@memphisflyer.com)

Categories
News News Feature

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Imagine the Gnome scientists tinkering with N’Sync.

Picturing a hundred waxed, puny pecked, faked tanned, lisping wussy boys with strategically mussed hair? A group of duh-faced designer clothes wearing pin-ups with the intellectual depth of a Madonna chapbook?

After halftime, if you went to the bathroom to vomit as I did, you might have missed the Proposal competition in which contestants got down on one knee and described how they would pop the question. How tempting it must have been for the host, a tepidly funny Caroline Rhea, not to pop them in their whitened teeth. Virginia Beach skyrocketed to first place at that point by holding Rhea’s mascara caked gaze with his stalker glare. But those scoring at home knew all along that this smoothy had the edge. He consistently scored high with the judges: two soap opera actresses, two models, and Nicole Eggert, the slut daughter from Charles in Charge and washed up Baywatch uniboob. Models and actresses know a well-executed image when they see it. Providing skybox commentary was a couple of blow up dolls wearing more make-up than Leeza Gibbons. They sputtered witticisms throughout the evening such as “That’s beefcake good enough to eat.”

Though it was a challenge to tell the beefcake apart at times, the most shameful denunciation of traditional– and obsolete?– manliness came from a guy who incessantly winked and pistol shot the audience. This misled fellow whose hair was gelled, sprayed, dried, and then apparently curled to one side, sang a line from a boy band hit. Look for his album in the fall of 2000 and never. One could just sense the other guys holding their breath as if their fellow contestant might impulsively confess to loving Bette Midler and blow his cover. True, some women swooned over this Backstreet display, but most probably were reminded of that ass who was voted Prom King but is now assistant manager at their hometown Target.

The remaining eight simply fit a stereotype. And what network does a better stereotype than Fox? There was David from Jersey, a guy dressed like a gay Miami housekeeper in capris, a tight pastel T and leather flip flops. Winner of the highest hair award, Mr. Jersey tried to explain that the greatest achievement of his life was being the first person in his family to graduate from college. He punctuated that sentimental confession with “Exactamundo.” Rocky almost walked away with Congenial Genital honors when during the swimsuit competition, he pranced around the stage in testicle hugging hot pants.

Taking home honors for originality was a floppy-eared Illinois cop who cashed in the “Long Walk on the Beach” scenario during the Proposal Talent division when he brilliantly promised to write, “Will You Marry Me?” in the sand on a secluded beach. One can only imagine the beta bitch who would swim upstream for that.

There was a 10-way-tie for Greatest Liar of All Time, but special recognition went to Reed Randoy (not his Playgirl name) for saying that the best part of a woman’s body is her eyes. The only contestant brave enough to forgo hair gel, this sloppily shaven ex-baseball player from Arizona paused before stepping deeper in it. “The soul is what you can see in eyes that you’re looking into. Eyes can be looked into to see the soul.” Amazingly, Reed then ripped his latex mask off to reveal, gasp!, George W. Bush.

Fox could have saved itself a good hour if they just would have jumped to the penis comparison and tongue agility contest. I’m assuming that the word “sex,” was mentioned at the Sexiest Bachelor concept meeting. But maybe that’s unfair. Obviously, the American woman’s idea of what’s desirable is morphing into something that looks and acts just as dainty as them. Gone are the real cowboys with calluses. In their place are men who apply bronzer and wear ten gallons of cologne. According to Fox, the millennial woman needs a man’s commitment, yet the last time I met my girlfriends for Sunday breakfast, they weren’t talking about how big their Saturday night date’s dowry is.

But that’s not to say that the network is totally off-base. They kicked off a season of quality trash that, unlike last night, I don’t hear anyone yelling, “Take it off!”

(You can write Ashley Fantz at ashley@memphisflyer.com)