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At Large Opinion

Give It a Rest

The French have a saying: “The less you work, the more you produce.” I would translate that into the original French for you using the online Duolingo course skills that I’ve honed over the past three years, but it would take too much time. Besides, it’s summertime and il fait chaud and the living is supposed to be facile

I’m old enough now to realize how fast the days of our lives fly by — or have flown by. And I’ve come to understand that in American life you have a couple of broad options: You can work hard, push your way up a career ladder or try to grow a business, and spend at least five of your seven allotted weekly days with your nose to the wheel of “achievement” until you’re 65. After that, well, you’re on your own. Hope you saved some money or can say, “Welcome to Walmart.” 

The other option is that you can be a damn slacker, avoiding things that cause sweat or weariness or irritation, and spend your days just getting by in the easiest way possible. This lifestyle is called “laziness” by most Americans and is not much respected in the U.S. of A. Retirement for a slacker can also be difficult, though the “not working” part isn’t as much of a transition. 

The truth is, in America for better or worse, most people buy into the “work hard” ethic — the Puritan gospel that was pounded into our wee brains from an early age: We’re put on this Earth to achieve something, dammit, not to loll around eating bonbons and drinking frosty mimosas. Remember the example of the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. Keep grinding, suckers. 

The deification of hard work is everywhere. There are literally hundreds of quotes about its benefits: “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.” “The greater the effort, the greater the glory.” “Nothing will work unless you do.” And so forth and so on, ad nauseam. It’s a religion, of sorts. 

And I get it. We’re just following the lead of the Christian deity, who, according to the Book of Genesis, worked six long hard days putting all this together for us, then rested. But here’s the thing we forget: It’s not like God worked six days a week for the rest of eternity. He (or whatever their pronouns may be) is probably smart enough to chill whenever he/she feels like it these days.

Millions of Americans, on the other hand, have learned to be content with 10 or 15 paid vacation days each year. That’s way less than one day out of seven, meaning most of us work harder than God did in creating the world. Jaysus. And too often, when we do go on vacation, we don’t relax. We’re too busy making plane and train connections, zipping from city to city in a vain effort to see an entire country (or continent) in two weeks. 

I know we all have to pay the bills and we need to take care of our families and there’s no question that hard work does pay off in many ways. But we need to be better about knowing when to buckle down and when to call it a day. We need to remember to give ourselves some time for napping, reading, daydreaming, eating, fishing, walking, drinking, stargazing, partying, lovemaking, staring into space — whatever relaxes us, whatever allows us to renew our hearts and souls. 

We Americans should take cues from other cultures. Go to France or Italy or Spain in the summer and you’ll find entire businesses shut for the season. Europeans will stretch out their summer break for a month or even six weeks. It’s all about the joie de vivre, not the joie de travail.

Work gets all the glory, but working hard and relaxing fully are both essential skills for achieving a fulfilled and happy life. But don’t just take my word for it. Here’s Albert Einstein on the subject: “A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness.” And for the record, this quote, handwritten on a piece of paper, sold for $1.3 million. That’s genius. You could look it up. 

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At Large Opinion

The Great Debate

“Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, here with Dana Bash to moderate the first presidential debate of 2024 between President Joe Biden and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Dana?”

“Thank you, Jake. Our first question goes to you, President Biden, and it’s this: Would you rather sink with a battery-powered boat and risk electrocution or be eaten by a shark?”

“Why, what kinda malarkey question is that?”

“It’s an issue that Mr. Trump has raised in several speeches and we’d like your response.”

“Well, it’s a stupid question because I don’t think a boat battery would electrocute you, but I guess I’d choose going down with the boat. A shark attack would be a painful death.”

“Thank you, President Biden. Now, Mr. Trump, your first question: You’ve said you’re in favor of posting the Ten Commandments in public schools. How many of the Ten Commandments can you name?”

“Thou shouldn’t steal! What’s wrong with posting that in schools? They stole an election from me! Stop the steal. The Ten Commandments. Has anyone read this incredible stuff? My uncle taught at MIT, so I’m pretty smart, believe me. That being said, I really can’t pick a favorite commandment. They’re all great.”

“Thank you, Mr. Trump. Back to you, Jake.”

“Thank you, Dana. President Biden, I’d like you to address another issue raised by Mr. Trump: Specifically, what do you think about Hannibal Lecter? Mr. Trump says, ‘The late, great Hannibal Lecter said nice things about me.’ How do you feel about Mr. Lecter and his comments?” 

“What?? Hannibal Lecter is a fictional horror-movie character. He was a cannibal. He never said anything about Donald Trump. That’s crazy.”

“So, President Biden, you have no opinion about Mr. Lecter? You’re silent as a lamb?”

“This is ridiculous! Since I’ve been president, we’ve had the two strongest years of job growth in U.S. history. My administration has created 11 million jobs since 2021. I stood up to OPEC and have brought gas prices down by almost $2 a gallon. And what about a woman’s right to control her own body and make her own healthcare decisions? What about new gun laws? What about climate change? Ukraine and Russia? Israel and Hamas? These are the issues we should be talking about!”

“Be that as it may, Mr. President, we’d like to know where you stand on water pressure. Mr. Trump alleges that in America water just drips from showers and he can’t get his hair wet enough. We’d also like to know how your administration plans to deal with cancer-causing windmills.”

“Windmills don’t cause cancer! That’s nuts! And I don’t care what my predecessor says about faucets. His hair is a joke, anyway.”

“President Biden, we ask that you refrain from personal attacks and stay on the issues. Mr. Trump has recently proposed that the UFC stage a series of bouts between its fighters and ‘migrants.’ If a migrant wins, he gets to stay in the country. Mr. Trump has also proposed that any immigrant who graduates from any college would get an automatic green card. Your response?”

“I would point out that Mr. Trump is also proposing to round up and deport millions of immigrants on his first day in office. Which is it? Green cards or deportation or UFC fights? He has no coherent policy on immigration. Why aren’t you asking him how he plans to do any of this and how much it will cost?”

“President Biden, with all due respect, we need you to stay on topic. Mr. Trump said in a speech last weekend that you plan to name a military base after Al Sharpton. Is this true?”

“What??? No, of course not. What is wrong with you people? We now have a 3.5 percent unemployment rate — the lowest in 50 years. Mr. Trump talked about infrastructure for four years and did nothing. We passed an infrastructure bill that’s creating needed projects in all 50 states. Sixteen million households are now getting low-cost or free high-speed internet. We passed the first significant gun reform legislation in 30 years. These are the issues we need to be discussing, not sharks and windmills and UFC matches and Trump’s faucets.”

“Back to you, Dana.”

“Thanks, Jake. President Biden, one final question: How old are you and can you find your way off this stage?” 

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At Large Opinion

The X Factor

So, I go on vacation for two weeks and Memphis lands a deal with Elon Musk — “the world’s richest man” — to build the largest supercomputer in the world in the former Electrolux plant. What? 

From a BnB in upstate New York last week, I read a well-reported (if slightly breathless) story in the Daily Memphian, wherein reporter Sophia Surrett told the behind-the-scenes chronicle of how the Greater Memphis Chamber, led by CEO Ted Townsend, managed to convince Musk to bring his multi-billion-dollar project to the Bluff City. Selling points included our city’s ample water supply, cheap land costs, and the chamber’s willingness to work fast. Memphis was pitched in a zoom meeting with Musk and his associates in March, while Townsend was in Austin for SXSW. Musk apparently liked what he heard and over the next three months, the deal was consummated.

If things go according to plan, the former Electrolux facility will soon house a tech startup called xAI and will, according to an unnamed source in the Daily Memphian story, create “less than 200 jobs.” It will use approximately 1 million gallons of water per day, about 1 percent of the city’s current daily use. In addition, xAI will need up to 150 megawatts of electricity to run the facility — enough energy to power 100,000 homes.

Local environmental groups, including Protect Our Aquifer, issued a cautionary statement: “Before we welcome xAI with open arms, we must consider how an industry using such a tremendous amount of electricity will further impact communities already overwhelmed with pollution and a high energy burden, such as those around the xAI facility in Southwest Memphis. … Will xAI bear the cost of TVA’s fuel adjustment fee in times of high energy demand? … With our recent history of severe weather events and rolling blackouts, TVA and Memphis Light, Gas & Water must work closely with this facility to keep energy use off peak-demand hours. … During times of emergency, our utility providers must have a plan to ensure that residents receive the power and water they need ahead of corporate demand.” 

Good points, all. There is some talk that xAI will get involved in building a system that will use wastewater or river water to handle its cooling needs, but it’s just talk at this point. However it goes, this appears to be a big deal. And Musk is a big deal, a guy who sends Space X rockets and Starlink satellites into space, builds futuristic Tesla cars (and goofy trucks), and owns X (formerly Twitter), the world’s largest news and social-messaging platform. 

But that raises — or should — another concern: Musk, who says that he has Asperger’s Syndrome, has configured X’s algorithm to ensure that his voice is the most prominent on the platform, meaning he has 187 million followers who can see his posts. He is a mega-influencer. 

He’s also an anti-vaxxer who recently posted a photo of Dr. Anthony Fauci under the caption: “You’re all beagles to me. Crimes Against Humanity.” Additionally, Musk is anti-trans, anti-DEI, pro-Trump, pro-Tucker Carlson, anti-Ukraine, pro-Russia, and has retweeted the “scientific” graphs of @eyeslasho, which claim to prove that “Black people in the US are overwhelmingly more criminally violent than whites.” Not a great look for a CEO looking to set up in a majority Black city. Musk has also retweeted some blatantly anti-semitic X posts. A real peach, this guy. 

To put this in some sort of context, however strained, there is little doubt that other business and corporate leaders  — in Memphis and elsewhere — share some of Musk’s beliefs and politics. The general attitude of those looking to expand their city’s economic base, i.e. political leaders and business types like those in the Greater Chamber, is to downplay (or ignore) such things as long as the greater good — jobs, investment, and a bump for the city’s reputation — is achieved. CEOs gonna CEO, the thinking goes. 

By that measure, it appears that Memphis has landed a big fish, one that will maybe bring a few more fish in its wake and provide more good-paying jobs than the 200 initially surmised. But the bottom line on the xAI deal is yet to be determined. And how — or if — this transaction will benefit the Memphis economy or the average Memphian is unknown. Musk is a wild card, given to mercurial, offensive, and impulsive moves. Call him the X factor. 

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At Large Opinion

A Matter of Honor

Maybe it’s an age thing, but I find that when I’m alone, my internal monologue often turns into an external mutter-logue. The other day, for instance, I found myself muttering the name of Abe Fortas. Fortas, as you may or may not recall, was a Supreme Court justice from Memphis, appointed by President Lyndon B. Johnson in 1965. He was a Rhodes College (then called Southwestern College) graduate (like Justice Amy Coney Barrett) before going on to graduate second in his class from Yale Law School.

Known as “Fiddlin’ Fortas” for his prowess on the violin, old Abe had a brilliant career, first as a law professor at Yale, then as an advisor to the Securities and Exchange Commission for President Roosevelt, and later as a delegate appointed by President Truman to help create the nascent United Nations. Fortas was an accomplished man.

Then, in 1969, just four years into his term at SCOTUS, Fortas was discovered to have accepted a $20,000 loan from financier Louis Wolfson, who was being investigated by the Justice Department for possible insider trading. President Nixon, seeing a chance to gain a SCOTUS appointment and push the court in a more conservative direction, asked Fortas to resign. He did.

So why was I muttering this man’s name? Because I’d been reading about the brouhaha(s) surrounding Justice Samuel Alito’s flags flying at his house(s). You know, the upside-down American flag at his home in Washington, D.C., and the QAnon/January 6th conspiracist “Appeal to Heaven” flag at his vacation home in New Jersey. Alito blamed the first flag on his wife, Martha Ann, who allegedly put it up while engaged in a dispute with a neighbor over yard signs. He refused to address the controversy about the second flag.

For the record, the U.S. flag code states that an upside-down American flag can be displayed only “as a signal of dire distress.” I’m not a legal scholar, but I’m thinking a pissing match over a neighbor’s yard sign doesn’t qualify. And I’m thinking Alito knew that.

At this writing, it appears that the Senate is about to stir itself and call Chief Justice Roberts into its chambers to demand some sort of action. No one has yet shown the courage to demand that Alito resign, but at the least, Roberts could urge Alito to recuse himself from any cases related to January 6th. Even that seems unlikely, given that Justice Clarence Thomas has accepted literally millions of dollars worth of gifts and trips from billionaire Harlan Crow — who has had cases before the court — and has suffered absolutely no consequences. Additionally, Thomas’ wife, Ginni, was among those urging Trump administration officials to overturn the 2020 election. Democrats have called for Thomas to recuse himself from election-related cases, a demand he has ignored.

The recusal statute standard that applies to federal judges and justices is not limited to actual bias — it also includes the appearance of bias. For that reason, many legal experts have said that Alito and Thomas should recuse themselves from any January 6th-related cases. Recuse? Resign? Meh. That’s so … 1969.

It’s all about expectations. Lower them far enough, and you can get away with anything. It was expected that Hillary Clinton would be fastidious about her emails. When it was discovered she was sloppy with some of them, the media outrage machine went into front-page overdrive for weeks, probably costing her the 2016 election (and three SCOTUS appointments). Trump’s hiding thousands of top-secret government documents after leaving office? Not so much. That’s just Trump being Trump. In short, if we think someone “should” be acting with integrity and they don’t, it’s news. Otherwise, nah.

So here we are, 55 years after Fortas’ resignation, with a Supreme Court majority mostly hand-picked by the conservative Federalist Society and put forth for Republican presidents to nominate. The justices are mostly Catholic (six of nine members), mostly anti-abortion, and mostly Neanderthal in their attitudes toward the rights of women and minority groups.

Back in 1969, it was expected that Supreme Court justices would avoid any appearance of impropriety. Abe Fortas recognized that what he’d done had irrevocably damaged his standing as a jurist and would become a distraction for the rest of his career at SCOTUS, so he did the honorable thing. Honor. What a concept. It’s a word that’s got me muttering.

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At Large Opinion

Winging It

“I’ve been walking in this park since the late 1980s. I grew up in Memphis, so I know every trail. When I was young, my first dog got swept down Lick Creek into the zoo. I have so many memories. But all of us who work here at the park have a passion for connecting people with nature … Oh, a white-eyed vireo! … Listen. Chick-breeyou-chick. They’re my favorites. They are such comedians!”

Fields Falcone is the rare person who can carry on a human conversation, identify an avian song and mimic it, and then return to speaking English without missing a beat. Her title is stewardship manager for the Overton Park Conservancy, but she is a scientist/avian biologist who’s conducted field and lab work as far away as the Marianas Islands and as near as the Memphis Zoo. Today, she is taking an amateur bird-lover — namely me — on a bird walk in the park’s Old Forest.

“There are only three urban old-growth forests in the country,” says Falcone. “We manage the habitat here mostly by invasive species removal and by trying to control how many trails there are. Beyond that, it’s so ancient that it’s a perfect habitat for many interior forest birds. During the spring and fall migrations many species stop in for a snack, then move on after a few days to bigger wooded areas like the Wolf River or Hatchie River or T.O. Fuller — or further north to their breeding grounds. … Oh, that’s an eastern wood peewee. … Its song is so plaintive.”

In addition to its migratory visitors, which offer “some of the best birding in Memphis,” Overton Park has a healthy population of resident and migratory breeding species, and Falcone appears acutely aware of all of them. “We do a lot of birding by ear,” she says. “And really, when we’re doing a survey, vocals tend to be more valuable, especially song versus call. It’s of higher value than even a perfect picture because it is the true genetic imprint of the bird.”

We both have our Merlin bird-identification phone apps turned on as we walk, careful to keep our footsteps as quiet as possible. It’s a necessary tool for me, and probably of more use as a backup identifier for Falcone.

“Merlin is great, and accessible for everyone,” she says. I’m reassured, and chance a guess at a song echoing through the treetops.

“Isn’t that a robin?”

“No, that’s a red-eyed vireo,” Falcone says. “It sounds like a robin on helium.” Well, sure. I knew that.

“And that’s a great crested flycatcher,” she says, head turned to the lower branches. “Breeep, breep. It’s pretty birdy today, even though most of the spring migration period is over. I wasn’t sure it would be.”

There will soon be some new territory between the zoo and the forest opening up for Old Forest trail walkers, thanks to a land-use compromise that finally ends occasional zoo parking on the park’s Greensward.

“We’re going to have some lovely new trails,” says Falcone. “Bob’s Trees and Trails has already mapped the area. We got a federal grant with the help of Congressman Cohen to help settle the final plans on the Greensward. The zoo got a chunk, the city got a chunk, and Overton Park got a chunk. We’re designing a loop trail around the Greensward and there will finally be no parking there. We have a great relationship with Matt Thompson, the zoo CEO.”

A young couple, each carrying binoculars, approaches. They are smiling, and say something to Falcone but I don’t catch it. “Ooh,” she says, “They heard a black-throated green warbler. They make this insane, brilliant, lovely song — gee, geegeegee — but they’re only here for migration.”

And I’m only here for this awesome bird walk (and my daily dog walks), but I urge you to check Overton Park’s calendar for nature programs, tai chi, science cafe, and other activities. It’s a great respite from the city’s heat and hustle. And if you’re lucky, you might even run into the remarkable Fields Falcone. If you do, tell her Bruce says, “breeep.”

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At Large Opinion

Information Overload

“Covid met January 6th. They slept together and gave birth to the anti-Christ of anger, fear, distrust, disinformation, and trauma that plagues America to this day.”

That was an X/Tweet on my timeline last week. I hope it was written by a human and not a bot because it reflects a very human feeling I’ve been trying to get my head around. I think we’re in the midst of one of the most disordered eras in the history of this country, comparable to our great wars, our Great Depression, our presidential assassinations.

We are riding a chaotic chariot of change with no idea of where or when it stops. We have come to a place where we can’t even agree that the sky is above us, that day follows night. Facts are fungible. Everyone is entitled to their own facts because you can “prove” anything. Politics and religion have become intertwined and irresolutely tribal. Disinformation is the currency of the realm, a bloated ratatouille of content — true, false, and irrelevant — that overloads our brains. Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, X, Truth Social, even such presumably benign sites as Nextdoor have become infiltrated with the madness of our political discourse. Every commenter is a pundit or a cynic or an expert … on everything. Crime is everywhere. Democrats are pedophiles. Trump shits his pants. Biden can’t walk. Trump has dementia. Be very afraid. Be very confused.

Former President Trump’s rally in New Jersey last Saturday provides a perfect template for what I’m talking about. Prior to the event, Trump touted that there would be 80,000 people there, so that number became the focal point. When Trump began speaking, pictures from Trump supporters, mostly taken from the stage area or from the crowd, were cited as evidence that Trump had drawn at least 100,000 people. “Let’s see Biden draw a crowd like this!” they said.

Then photos from anti-Trumpers appeared that purported to show a much smaller crowd. Next came photos of a full Michigan football stadium and of a Taylor Swift concert. “This is what 100,000 people looks like,” said these posters. “Compare this to photos of Trump’s pathetic rally. Hah!”

Not to be outdone, an aerial photo of 400,000 people appeared under the headline: “Trump Draws Massive Crowd to New Jersey Rally.” Roger Stone and lots of other Trump supporters retweeted it. But the picture turned out to be an aerial shot of a 1994 Rod Stewart concert in Brazil. Boo! Fake news! Then video appeared of Trump speaking to a small crowd, possibly near the end of his speech. No way, said his supporters. It was “AI-generated and put out by Antifa.” Or something.

So how many people came to hear Trump speak? Pick a number. There’s “proof” of everything, so everything is meaningless. And maybe that’s the point: Flood the zone with so much conflicting information that none of it can be trusted, that it all can be discounted.

How did we go from a country that elected a centrist African American 12 years ago to one that actually appears capable of reelecting an amoral, foul-mouthed, self-absorbed misogynist who took away women’s bodily autonomy, stole federal classified documents (and probably sold them), slept with porn stars, botched the handling of a pandemic that led to hundreds of thousands of deaths, and, oh yeah, tried to overturn a presidential election?

What. The. Hell?

Normally when a time of upheaval is over, a country will celebrate. There are parades, a coming-together, a time of kumbaya. Americans have had no downtime in the past eight years, no room to reflect — just unrelenting chaos. The Covid pandemic continued implacably, even as the 2020 political campaign unfolded. People were still dying by the thousands, while two major party candidates debated and campaigned in the midst of it. Remember the masked appearances and debates? Even masks and vaccines became political. So exhausting.

Then the election happened and Trump lost (really), and as most predicted, he claimed it was all rigged. Phony Venezuelan voting machines! Mule teams! Crooked election workers! A minute later and it was January 6th, and we all watched an attempted insurrection in real time. It’s all been too much. Too many bad actors, too many alternate facts that created an information overload, one that allowed a man with no moral core to attain the highest office in the land. And to possibly do it again.

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At Large Opinion

Course Correction

The jokes write themselves.

In January, when I asked Dr. Nickalus Khan — the talented young neurosurgeon from Semmes Murphey Clinic who had rebuilt my upper back a year earlier — if I could play golf again, his answer was a reassuring “Absolutely.” When I told my friend John Ryan that my doctor had said I could play golf, his response was: “That’s amazing! You couldn’t before.”

See what I mean?

For six months, I had been working to get my body back in some sort of shape after a bout with lymphoma and a concurrent rebuild of my upper back because of damage from the tumor. I was declared in remission last July — a happy day to be sure — but I’d lost 30 pounds and almost all my muscle tone during the six-month chemo protocol: too much time on my back; too little time moving. I’m in my 70s, and it didn’t take long for me to realize the road to full recovery would be long.

When I began my comeback in July, the slightest exercise made me stiff and sore. Getting out of bed required pushing off the wall into a seated position. My oncologist, Dr. Mike Martin of West Clinic, said my condition was a common one following chemo treatment and that I needed to begin — slowly — working to strengthen my stomach and back muscles.

Getting back into the swing of things (Photos: John Ryan)

Thanks to the fact that I have two very persistent dogs, I resumed walking every day last summer, mostly in Overton Park. When I began, I was winded after 15 minutes, but after three months, I worked my way up to a brisk 35 to 40 minutes with no stress. Progress! I also began something of a fitness regime at home: pushups (at first, from my knees), leg lifts, stretches, sit-ups. As hair returned to my head, strength began to return to my muscles.

What about playing golf again? I used to play at least once a week, but my golf-friends and I got out of the habit during the pandemic. They still play, though less frequently. Now that Covid is a lesser concern and cancer is in my rearview, I began thinking maybe it was time to get myself out on the links again. Perhaps golf could even be a way to accelerate my physical recovery.

Feeling frisky in early January, I tried swinging a 5-iron 100 times. The next morning, the pain in my lower back was nearly intolerable. It was obvious that I would need golf-specific exercises.

I checked in with Dr. Google and found lots of interesting connections between golf and fitness. I learned that golf is often used to rehabilitate people from addiction: “Since golf is a type of exercise that enhances the release of endorphins, it becomes an effective way for patients to recover from substance abuse disorders,” claims a site called Healthy Life Recovery. And I learned, from the same source, that golf is used in the treatment of some mental health disorders: “Golfing enables patients to form and foster cordial relationships based on shared interests, a crucial factor for mental health recovery.”

All good to know, but what about getting my ancient body back in shape to make a full swing at a golf ball and not embarrass myself in front of my friends? You know, the physical stuff (and the pride stuff). As I’d learned the hard way, golf puts a lot of stress on the back muscles. This paragraph from a golf-instruction website sums it up: “The athletic, correct golf swing is a total body movement that requires flexibility, mobility, and stability in a wide range of joints. Utilizing the ground for a powerful hip extension through the shot along with pulling left and delaying release of the clubhead puts a great amount of strain on the body. That is the swing most of us are searching for.”

There’s a huge body of literature online on the subject of how to get your body in “golf shape,” and lots of instructional-video options: “Best Back Exercises for Golfers,” “Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Back While Golfing,” “Rehabilitation of the Back for Golfers.” The list goes on longer than a Dustin Johnson tee shot. I eventually settled on HansenFitnessGolf.com. Coach Mike Hansen has a lo-fi approach, and looks a little lumpy, like the kind of guy who’s not going to be too judgy, even if he can’t see me. He clearly lays out the issues for senior golfers, and for those trying to return to playing golf after injury or illness. I qualified on both counts.

The three major issues that Hansen addresses are, yep, flexibility, mobility, and stability. If we can improve those three areas, he says, we’ll be well underway to finding a real golf swing again. Hansen’s exercises are easily done at home on a carpet or yoga mat and focus mostly on strengthening lower back muscles, stretching and turning the torso, strengthening the knees and thighs, and my favorite, “firing your glutes.” Frankly, mine should have been fired a long time ago. I jest. But anyway, yes, strengthening your butt muscles is important.

After a couple of weeks, I was swinging that 5-iron 100 times a day with no pain cropping up. I still couldn’t turn into a complete back-swing because of the reconstruction of my upper spine, but I felt like maybe I was ready to try the real thing — with a ball. I enlisted my cynical friend John and we drove out to Mirimichi Golf Course and each bought a big bucket of balls to hit on the practice range.

As I rolled a shiny, white Pinnacle into position on the astroturf practice mat with my trusty 5-iron, I got a little nervous. I was worried I might be unable to hit the ball straight with my shortened swing, or worse, shank it horribly. It was my first time on a golf course in 16 months.

I said something to John about not feeling comfortable over the ball and he said, “Just swing smooth and easy and try to make contact. You don’t have to kill it.”

He was right. I focused on just hitting the ball and took what felt like a half-speed swing. I was elated to see the white pellet fly straight, and to feel the joy of flushing a shot right in the middle of the clubface. I hit the remainder of the bucket of balls, maybe 75 or so. Sure, I hit some clunkers, but I hit enough good shots with my new, easy swing that I was eager to try the real thing.

Playing a round of golf is, of course, much different than hitting balls from a mat. There is grass and dirt and trees and water and sand, all of which delight in diverting golf balls from their mission of falling into a hole on a green. I drove to the Links of Riverside on a Sunday afternoon in late February for my first test. Riverside is a modest, nine-hole muni run by the city. Nothing fancy. I figured I’d be able to play by myself with no issues. But nope. As I drove my cart to the first tee, a single golfer was preparing to hit. “Hey,” he said, cheerfully, “Want to play together?”

The guy looked to be about my age and was playing from the old-man tees, so how bad could it be, I thought. “Sure,” I said, “but I have to warn you I haven’t played in more than a year, so I might slow you up.” No worries, he said.

And there weren’t any. We had a great time and I didn’t embarrass myself. After the round, we had a beer in the clubhouse and agreed to play again. I’d made a new friend and was back in the swing of things. You might even say I was rehabbed. Huzzah.

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At Large Opinion

Animal Instincts

I’ve been sitting on this story for a bit, just waiting for a chance to work it into a column. That time has come, my friends. It’s the tale of one Reginald Cook, 26, who allegedly attempted to rob a Shell convenience store on Elvis Presley Boulevard — three times — on the night of April 14th.

The official Memphis Police Department report states that Cook went into the station around 2 a.m. and demanded money from the clerk. The clerk told police that Cook kept reaching into his clothing, indicating that he had a weapon. The clerk didn’t buy the ruse and told Cook to scram.

A few minutes later, Cook returned, again demanding money and again reaching into his clothes as though he might have a weapon. And again, the clerk was having none of it and told Cook to leave the store. This is where the story takes a turn.

At 3:05 a.m., Cook returned once again to the scene of his Kabuki Krimes. Only this time he had a live, five-foot-long snake wrapped around his neck. Emboldened, he shouted, “Gimme all your money or I’ll unleash my attack snake, you bastard!!!” Or words to that effect, one presumes.

By this time, the clerk was getting boa-ed by the whole thing and pulled out a handgun, taking Cook and his slithery sidekick into custody.

Only in Memphis (or maybe Florida). Seriously, Cook has to be one of the dumbest crooks of all time. Who did he think he was going to fool? Anyone could see that snake was unarmed. Heh.

The cops soon arrived and hauled Cook off to jail, charging him with attempted robbery and a reptile dysfunction. After letting the snake make one phone coil, the police let him slide on his own recognizance, mainly because they were unable to get cuffs on him.

Speaking of dumb crooks and animals … How about South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, the evil creep who outed herself in her own book last week as a puppy killer. And a goat killer. And god knows what else, at this point.

Noem’s book — No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward — will be published next month, but Guardian.com obtained an advance copy and revealed the literal money shot: Noem shot and killed her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, because she was “untrainable.”

In her book, Noem describes taking Cricket, a wirehaired pointer, on a pheasant hunt with older dogs, hoping they would calm the young dog down. It didn’t work. Noem writes that Cricket was “going out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life” and “ruining the hunt.” Little did Cricket know it would be the last “time of her life.”

On the way home, Noem writes that she stopped at a farm and Cricket got out of her truck and killed some of the farmer’s chickens. Noem writes that Cricket was “the picture of pure joy” during her spree. “I hated that dog,” Noem says, adding that Cricket had proved herself “untrainable” and “less than worthless … as a hunting dog.” So, when Noem got home, she led the unsuspecting (and probably still joyful) Cricket to a gravel pit and shot her. As one does, apparently, when one is a “farmer” from South Dakota. Or Hell.

Then, since Kristi was already in a killin’ state of mind, she went and got a goat that “smelled of urine” and had “knocked her kids down and ruined their clothes,” and executed it, as well. She had to go back to her truck and get another shell, she writes, since she only wounded the goat with the first shot.

Noem is angling to be Donald Trump’s running mate. She’s fond of posting pictures of herself with dead animals: bears, elk, deer, pheasant. I doubt that she posed with her dead pup but I wouldn’t be shocked. Noem says that she included the animal assassination story in her book to show her willingness to do “anything difficult, messy, and ugly” if it needs to be done. So far, she’s had plastic surgery, dental implants, and an affair with former Trump operative Corey Lewandowski, so she’s three-for-three. Kristi Noem is scum.

Categories
At Large Opinion

Welcome Turnaround

“The reality is companies have choices when it comes to where to invest and bring jobs and opportunity. We have worked tirelessly on behalf of our constituents to bring good-paying jobs to our states. These jobs have become part of the fabric of the automotive manufacturing industry. Unionization would certainly put our states’ jobs in jeopardy.”

Sounds just like the kind of statement a well-paid automaker CEO would make when faced with the prospect of his company’s lowly worker bees forming a union. Except in the preceding case, it’s the kind of statement six Southern Republican governors would — and did — make at the prospect of the United Auto Workers unionizing a car-manufacturing plant in their state.

The governors — of Alabama, Texas, Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, and, of course, Tennessee — were getting the vapors over the notion that factory workers would dare to organize for better working conditions. “Lawsy mercy,” said Tennessee Governor Bill Lee, in a statement. “We cain’t have no communist unions moving into our bidness-lovin’ Land o’ Cotton™. Old times here are not forgotten! Next thing you know, these uppity workin’ folks will be wantin’ gummit healthcare and decent public schools and gun reform.” Okay, ol’ Voucher Bill didn’t really say that, but he sure as hell thought it. And to be fair, he wasn’t the first Lee to get his butt kicked by a union.

Here’s another gem from the governors’ statement: “We want to keep good paying jobs and continue to grow the American auto manufacturing sector here. A successful unionization drive will stop this growth in its tracks, to the detriment of American workers.” Right, because you clowns are always all about the “workers.”

The scare tactics didn’t work. Employees at the Volkswagen plant in Chattanooga voted by a three-to-one margin to join the United Auto Workers last Friday, making their factory the first in the South to unionize since the 1940s.

It’s no wonder the governors were scared. The GOP economic model is to keep workers underpaid and uneducated, grateful for any crumbs their corporate overlords deem them worthy to receive. In return, the politicians get fat corporate “contributions” and corporations get sweet tax breaks to move into the states of the old Confederacy. When it comes to workers’ rights, the mantra for those at the top of this pyramid scheme is, “Look away, Dixieland.”

Another vital part of the GOP’s strategy has been to keep working-class Americans fighting amongst themselves, mostly by exploiting racial division. Gotta make sure the MAGA whites stay mad at the African Americans and the Latinos. And vice versa. The GOP knows that if all those folks ever organized to challenge the game being played on them, well, it could get ugly for their overlords.

That’s why it was so edifying to see videos of the Volkswagen plant workers — white, Black, and brown — celebrating their successful union vote with fireworks, chants, and cheers. They were celebrating getting a voice in their workplace, including better healthcare and retirement benefits, and more paid time off. They were celebrating getting some skin in the game.

Current wages for workers in Chattanooga range from $23 to $32, according to Volkswagen. The UAW noted that following their strikes last year against Ford, General Motors, and Stellantis, wages for the highest-paid production workers at those plants rose to more than $40 an hour, plus improved benefits. Fireworks, indeed.

Interestingly, Volkswagen said it respects its workers’ right to determine who should represent their interests. “We fully support an NLRB vote so every team member has a chance to vote in privacy in this important decision,” the company said. It’s almost like the state governors were fear-mongering or something. Or maybe the company actually respects its workers. What a concept.

Next up for the UAW — which says it plans to try to unionize a dozen Southern automaker facilities — are two Mercedes-Benz plants in Alabama, where a vote on unionization will take place in mid-May. The UAW says a majority of workers at those plants have already signed authorization cards supporting union membership.

The results of the Volkswagen vote, could have far-reaching consequences for the labor movement in the region, said Stephen Silvia, a professor at American University who was quoted in a recent Washington Post article: “If the UAW can prevail,” he said, “it means that the Volkswagen victory isn’t an anomaly and we’re really seeing a turnaround in attitudes in workers in the South.”

If so, it’s kudos to Tennessee’s auto workers for standing up to the governors and for leading the turnaround in attitudes toward workers’ rights. And here’s hoping Alabama can keep the momentum going. Roll Tide.

Categories
At Large Opinion

Gettysburg, Wow

“Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was. It was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways, it represented such a big portion of the success of this country. Gettysburg, wow. I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And, uh, the statement of Robert E. Lee, who’s no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? He’s no longer in favor. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.’ They were fighting uphill. He said, ‘Wow, that was a big mistake.’ He lost his great general. And they were fighting. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys!’ But it was too late.”

You may or may not be familiar with the preceding paragraph. It depends to some extent upon how much of a political junkie (or masochist) you are. But even if you’re not familiar with it, you can probably guess the source. And if you guessed, Donald J. Trump, you win.

The presumptive GOP presidential nominee scatted the forgoing brain jazz at a speech in Schnecksville, Pennsylvania, on Saturday. It was just one discursive, rambling aside in an oration that consisted of more than 75 minutes of discursive, rambling asides. Some highlights:

“China is sending illegals here to start a little army in our country.”

“I will not give one penny to any school that has a vaccine mandate.”

“I love women more than I love anything. I looove women.”

“Last night we had 20 people come to our country from the Congo. Welcome to our country. Where do you live in the Congo? We live in prison. They’re bringing them in from Africa!”

“The 2020 election was rigged, pure and simple. It was a disgrace and we can never let it happen again.”

“I’m perhaps the most honest guy in the world.”

Perhaps. And if you believe that, well, you’re an idiot. We’re past the point of pretending any of this is remotely normal, but here’s the worrisome thing: It actually is normal in one sense. It’s “normal” because it happens every day that Trump says something in public. After nine years of listening to this guy, Americans have become inured to it; our politics have literally transformed. Trump has normalized things that would have destroyed the career of any politician before he came along.

Gary Hart was the front-runner for the 1988 Democratic presidential nomination when revelations of an extramarital affair emerged and he was finished. In 2004, presidential candidate Howard Dean was deemed unelectable because he screamed “Yeah!” at a rally in Iowa. See ya, Howard. You’re not “presidential” enough.

And Jimmy Carter was so concerned about a possible conflict of interest that he put his little Georgia peanut farm in a blind trust during his presidency, so as not to appear to be in the pocket of Big Peanut.

In contrast, Trump and his family made millions from his businesses while in office, including from a hotel in Washington, D.C., where foreign diplomats and lobbyists stayed in order to curry favor with the American president.

And just imagine the merde-storm that would engulf the mass media if Joe Biden bumbled his way through anything remotely similar to Trump’s lie-filled Schnecksville speech. Think of the outrage from the Confederate-loving MAGA types if Biden invented a Robert E. Lee quote that made the general sound like a surfer-pirate.

Argh, dude.

As this presidential campaign stumbles into summer, and as Trump’s trial in New York takes center stage, it is becoming more and more obvious that the GOP presidential candidate has some real issues with, well, reality. Trump is quite literally making things up — creating stories, statistics, and personal anecdotes out of whole cloth. This is not an opinion; it’s a verifiable fact: He’s a full-service gaffe station.

The question becomes: Is he doing it knowingly — just running a hustle to get elected again — or is he truly losing sentience, unable to tell fact from fiction? Does he truly believe all vaccines are bad, and that he is the most honest person in the world, and Robert E. Lee said “wow.” If it’s the latter, well, that is so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways. And we are so in trouble.