Author: Bruce VanWyngarden

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At Large Opinion

A New Season

Photo: Bruce VanWyngarden

“All the months are crude experiments,
out of which the perfect September is made.” — Virginia Woolf

We began September in Memphis with our annual holiday. No, not Labor Day. Sure, we celebrate that, but so does the rest of the country. I’m talking about the fact that here in the Bluff City we have in recent years begun celebrating “901 Day” on September 1st, a riff on our 901 area code. It’s grown to include a great many celebrations around town, from Beale Street to breweries to parks and music venues. One presumes a good time was had by all this year, even if there was a bit of intermittent rain to dodge. 

September also marks the end of summer here in the 901. Even though we’re still a few weeks away from the true end of the heat, the signs of autumn are there if you look. On my morning walk in the Old Forest of Overton Park on Monday, leaves were beginning to fill the wooded trails, wet and soft underfoot — the gold palms of the tulip poplars, the brown-fingered oak fall — their presence no doubt triggered by the recent dry spell, but unmistakable harbingers of the change to come, nonetheless. 

Summer’s end always brings mixed feelings. And the seasons change faster now, or so it seems as I blossom into codger-hood. But everything is faster for everybody these days. According to folks who study such things, we’re wiring ourselves that way. I listened to a podcast last week about the decline of the human attention span. The average person checks the internet more than 100 times a day — scanning emails, various websites, news sources, and social media feeds. I’ve never counted, but I suspect I’m in that neighborhood, at least. 

I’m trying to be conscious about my internet addiction, but it’s so difficult, especially when the source of our distraction — our phone — is always close at hand. Looking around the optometrist’s office the other day, I noted there were 19 people, 18 of whom were looking at their phone. The other guy was probably blind.

The problem is that we’ve learned that there is always a reward of sorts waiting for us when we swipe open our dinging little pocket pals: “likes” on our social media posts, a fresh email from a friend, a nudge from our favorite news app, a game to finish, and, of course, the sweet, cocaine-like buzz of confirmation bias and righteous indignation.

We progressives savor the latest absurdities from MAGA-land like gooey chocolate-chip cookies, fresh from the oven: Did you read that Donald Trump changed his stance on abortion four times in 48 hours? Did you see that he reposted vile, misogynistic, sexual tweets about Kamala Harris and Hillary Clinton?! Did you read that he had the nerve to announce that his administration will be the “greatest ever” for women?! OMG!

And then there’s Trump’s running mate, J.D. Vance. What a piece of anti-feminine work this guy is. Seldom does a day pass when he is not saying something more Neanderthal-ish about women than he did the day before. The creepy would-be veep has made it clear, over and over again, that he thinks women are put here on Earth only to have children until they can’t anymore. And when they reach menopause, their role is to help raise their grandchildren. It’s their biological destiny, don’t you know? Childless career women are frustrated and angry because “they passed the biological period when it was possible to have children.” They are “miserable people who have no real value system,” and “struggle to find meaning in their lives.” Also, they have cats. Also, childless people shouldn’t be allowed to be teachers. 

And on it goes, day after day. Thirty days hath September, and 31 hath October, and five hath November until the Day of Reckoning. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” wrote English playwright William Congreve in 1697. There’s a reason that saying has stayed in the English language lexicon for 327 years, and methinks Donald Trump and J.D. Vance and the rest of their clueless GOP enablers are about to find out why. 

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At Large Opinion

Faith and Camo

Italian political thinker Antonio Gramsci’s definition of a crisis was, “when the old is dead and the new cannot be born.” Those of us living in the United States are in the midst of finding out whether the new can be born (in November), and whether the old is really dead. A crisis? I’d say so.

One thing is certain: Representatives of the old are having real issues with the potential changes in the wind that were evidenced at the recent Democratic National Convention. Venerable conservative Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan wrote: “They stole traditional Republican themes (faith, patriotism) and claimed them as their own.”

Former Fox News commentator and Newsmax host Eric Bolling raged: “We’re losing the race! We’re losing the presidency. … The enthusiasm level on the left is overwhelming. They’re trying to say Democrats are the patriots! They’re wearing camo hats with Harris’ name on it! Camo! That’s ours!”

Democrats as patriots? How can this be? And camo? Really? How dare they! Camo can’t be woke, can it?

It’s easy to understand the GOP’s pain. For decades — at least since Richard Nixon’s presidency — the Republicans have claimed the mantle of patriotism and the title of “real Americans,” wrapping themselves in the flag, Christianity, country music, family values, and military strength. “America: Love It or Leave It” was their mantra. Guns, flags, the cross, and camo clothes were their primary fashion accessories. 

It worked for more than 50 years, from Nixon on through the administrations of Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and even through the Obama years, when the nation’s first Black president was accused of being born in Africa, which, to Republicans, is as un-American as you can get. Donald Trump, of course, has literally wrapped himself in the American flag on several occasions. 

That’s why seeing 20,000 “Demoncrats” in Chicago waving little American flags had to have driven them nuts, not to mention the sight of that Harris/Walz camo hat on the heads of hundreds of delegates, the Nashville sounds of Jason Isbell and The Chicks, the nightly invocation of prayers, the pledges to defend our NATO allies militarily and stand up to Putin in Ukraine. It was all turf formerly claimed by the GOP. 

But you can hardly blame Kamala Harris and the Democrats for moving in. The house was empty and Republicans left the door wide open by abandoning — or twisting beyond recognition — their foundational principles. And it all started with Trump, for whom there are no principles, foundational or otherwise, only transactional exchanges. The party has been following his lead since 2015.

Republicans exchanged the American flag for the countless variations of Trump flags flown at rallies, and from MAGA pickups, boats, and front porches. “I pledge allegiance to Donald Trump” being the implied new credo. Family values? See: Trump, Donald. Religion? See: Nationalist, Christian. Country music? See: Rock, Kid. Strong military defense? See: Putin, Vladimir, a murderous despot now openly supported by Trump and his acolytes, including Tucker Carlson, Steve Bannon, Robert Kennedy Jr., most Fox News hosts, Speaker Mike Johnson, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and dozens of other GOP senators and congressmen.

The party that once put forth a strong, conservative platform every four years, now has a platform of “whatever Trump says today,” no matter how idiotic or deranged. The party that once spent millions on an election ground game and ad buys in swing states now spends a large percentage of those dollars on Trump’s defense funds and lawyer bills.

The recent polling has been swinging Harris’ way and Trump’s campaign strategists have been urging him to “talk policy” instead of using his rally speeches to air his many grievances, hurl personal insults at his opponents, and brag about his looks. Trump counters that Harris has no policies and has ignored several of the issues he has raised, including the low-flow shower-head crisis, the boat battery vs. sharks controversy, and the problem of solar-powered airplanes that crash when the sun’s not shining. Furthermore, he says, Harris has not had the courage to take a stance on the late, great Hannibal Lecter. And she has the nerve to say Trump is “an unserious man.” What chutzpah!

At any rate, here is where we find ourselves — on the very edge of the approaching hurricane, waiting to learn the course of its final path, waiting to learn the fate of our nation, waiting to discover if the new can be born.

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At Large Opinion

Commie!

Mikhail Gorbachev in 1992 (Photo: Konstantin Gushcha | Dreamstime)

Look, comrades, I grew up at a time in this country when the thing we kids were taught to fear more than anything else in our little Midwestern lives was COMMUNISM! 

Communist Russia — the USSR — was the big, scary enemy, a country led by authoritarian leaders like Nikita Khrushchev and Leonid Brezhnev, who were attempting to take over the world and destroy democracy and the American way of life. They were the commies, the pinkos, the red menace — a nuclear-armed adversary who was also our rival in space, with their cursed Sputnik satellites. The Russians were so bold they even propped up Fidel Castro in a communist state 90 miles away from Miami. Russia, we were told by our teachers and parents, was determined to force everyone in the world to live in a commune and toil under communism, a fate presumably worse than death. 

In our schools, we had two kinds of drills: fire drills, in which at the sound of a long bell, every student high-tailed it “single file” down the stairs and out the doors onto the schoolyard lawn, goose-assing and laughing all the way. (If you were lucky, you attended a school that had one of those cool fire-escape slides out a third-story window, which livened up the process.) But the real serious stuff took place during the air-raid drills, where, at the sound of a keening siren, we had to “duck and cover” under our desks, which, as everyone knows, will protect you against nuclear holocaust. Mainly, of course, it just scared the crap out of us and traumatized a couple generations.

This went on through the 1980s, at which point, President Reagan had turned standing up to Russia into performance art (“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”). It turned out to be a surprisingly effective gambit, or at the worst, Reagan’s timing was spot-on. The Soviet Union’s economy was collapsing during the 1980s, leading to the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, and lending a measure of stature to Reagan’s latter years in office.

If there was one benefit of this strange, decades-long international game of Russian roulette, it was the fact that we were actually taught what communism is. We learned most of Karl Marx’s greatest one-liners, including the scariest one: “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs,” which we Americans were taught to see as the mantra of a system that destroyed ambition and the drive to succeed that American capitalism was built upon. I think that’s simplistic, but it’s also mostly true. Living on the dole is living on the dole. All communism does is narrow economic opportunity to oligarchs. Everyone else? Pass the beans and borscht and keep your head down, comrade.

The fact is that communism has proven to be a horrible system of government, one that concentrates power under an authoritarian rule, censors books and newspapers, offers only rudimentary education for the poor, discriminates on the basis of gender and race, and controls healthcare. In communist countries, posters of the authoritarian Dear Leader are plastered on every open space. Flags with his image are flown in every public square. 

That’s why it seems so absurd to me to hear MAGA types — and Donald Trump himself — call Kamala Harris and Democrats “communists.” It sounds like you’re being tough when you call someone a communist, but they literally appear to have no idea what a communist is. 

Think of the two major American political parties: When it comes to a cult of personality, one that features posters of Dear Leader, flags, religious iconography, clothes, and even tattoos, which party comes to mind? Which party has come out in support of banning books? Which party wants to give public tax dollars to private schools? Which party openly demonizes LGBTQ Americans and people of color? Which party wants to centralize power and give it to an authoritarian who will “be a dictator on day one”? Which party wants to control the healthcare decisions of the country’s females? Which party literally rejected democracy in 2020? 

If your answer to those questions is anything other than the Republican Party, you’ve gone down into a scary rabbit hole, a place where the light of the obvious won’t penetrate. It’s like you’re in a permanent duck-and-cover drill. 

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At Large Opinion

Elon-Gate

Elon Musk’s avatar on X (Photo: Elon Musk | x)

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” — Maya Angelou

Here we are, less than 90 days away from a nation-defining election, and the world’s richest man is showing us who he is, every single day. I’m speaking about Elon Musk, the South African mega-billionaire behind Tesla cars, SpaceX rocketry, and xAI, the world’s largest supercomputer, now operating in Memphis. 

Musk also runs X, formerly Twitter, the world’s biggest news and chat app, and herein lies a problem. I’m still using X, sometimes against my better judgment, given the amount of racist, misogynist, and white supremacist content that streams from the site. I delete and block posts (and posters) every single day, but there’s always a steady torrent of horrible content, much of it generated by bots and AI. 

So why am I still on X? Because it’s still the best place for an information junkie like me to get breaking news. I follow all the major news outlets’ X accounts, plus a couple thousand journalists and writers whose views and reporting I respect, as well as lots of local folks with smart (and often funny) takes on Memphis politics, sports, food, and entertainment. Still, it’s a flood of information, much of it worthless or worse, and you have to be diligent in mining the diamonds from the dreck.

Even when X was Twitter, before Musk bought it for a sweet $44 billion and changed the name, it had lots of crap posts, but the policing of intentional disinformation and vile Nazi-ish stuff was better, and it was usually taken down quickly. Now, not so much. That’s mainly because Musk has taken a hands-on approach to the site, and under the guise of “free speech,” he is consciously permitting, and even encouraging, posts that traffic from the far fringes of the right-wing, white supremacist world. 

And it’s not like he’s hiding his intentions. He’s got 194 million followers! (When you join X, you get Musk’s posts and reposts automatically, unless you intentionally unfollow him.) His personal account is a fount of racism, misleading statistics, and outright lies. Often, Musk posts an obviously racist meme and asks — a la Tucker Carlson — “Is this true? Just asking.”

Musk is a Trump supporter, of course. He often reposts anti-Kamala Harris tropes, including those that are obviously false or misleading. On Monday, he hosted Trump for a two-hour “interview” on X, during which Musk lavished praise and admiration for Trump’s “honesty,” among other insane comments. Musk’s politics would be anathema to most of the residents of this decidedly blue city, I suspect, but make no mistake, Musk is here, and in a big way. Needless to say, I’m not a fan, either. He seems weirdly and dangerously unbalanced.

And speaking of fans (and clumsy segues), Musk is now running a bunch of non-permitted gas turbines to power his Memphis supercomputer from its site in South Memphis. They are noisy and are sending gassy fumes into the atmosphere 24 hours a day. I urge you to read Sam Hardiman’s well-reported Daily Memphian story from last Saturday. 

Citing a “source close to the company … who is not authorized to speak publicly,” the DM said xAI had determined it had the right to run the non-permitted turbines for 364 days. The DM story also quoted the Greater Memphis Chamber on the matter: “XAI obtained official guidance that based on federal, state, and local regulations that permitting would not be required for this temporary solution to use turbines for testing its supercomputer.” How nice. Let’s hope this deal works out for the benefit of the city, and not just for xAI. I have my doubts. Musk is just not a Memphis kind of guy. He’s a Trump kind of guy, with similar baggage.

Need more proof? Consider this recent Musk repost from Daniel Concannon, the self-titled “World’s Most Unbearably White Man”: “White people have been taught that white people are evil and everyone else is good. Non-white people have been taught that white people are evil and everyone else is good. That’s not divide and conquer. That’s ‘Kill Whitey.’” Musk added a single comment: “True.” 

Elon Musk is showing us who he is, folks. It would behoove Memphis — and the rest of the world — to believe him. 

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At Large Opinion

Bear Market

Hate to be the bearer of, er, news, good, bad, and insane. (Photo: Jillian | Adobe Stock)

I awoke early Monday morning, made a cup of espresso from the fancy machine gifted to me from my son last Christmas, and sat on the deck to watch the hummingbirds. Well, that, and scroll through the news on my phone. It was quite the news day already, even at 7:30 a.m. 

In Florida, Hurricane Debby was dumping massive rains on that perennially dumped-on state. Flooding would soon ensue. In the Middle East, the winds of war seemed to be heating to a fever pitch, with Iran, Hezbollah, Israel, and Hamas all making threats and seemingly prepping for attacks. In the UK, there were riots in the streets from far-right protestors. A hotel was burned. In Paris at the Olympics, there were photo-finishes, a female boxer accused of being male, and lots of U.S. swimming medals. Kamala Harris was about to name her veep candidate. Donald Trump attacked Georgia’s Republican Governor Brian Kemp 12 times in an Atlanta stump speech. And on Wall Street, stocks appeared to be headed lower as a bear market loomed on news that the U.S. economy seemed to be cooling.

Pshew, what a start to the week, I thought. But wait, there was more. … Speaking of bears: Erstwhile presidential candidate, vax truther, and brain-wormer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a videotape of himself telling a tale about dumping a dead bear cub and a bicycle in New York’s Central Park after leaving Peter Luger Steak House one night. And as if that itself weren’t strange enough, the kicker was that he was telling this bizarre story at Roseanne Barr’s house. What? Is this real life?

As one person wrote on X:

Kristi Noem — “Let me tell you about my animal killings.” 

RFK Jr. — “Here, hold my bear.”

Kennedy said he released the tape to “get ahead” of a New Yorker story that was about to recount the bear saga, which had been a mystery since 2014, when it was first reported in the media that two women had found a dead bear cub under a bicycle in Central Park.  

In Kennedy’s version, via the video (which also featured Roseanne wandering around and occasionally looking at Kennedy as though he were nuts), he’d found the bear dead beside the road in upstate New York and put it in his car, intending to skin it and eat it. Yes, he said that. He then went to dinner at the aforementioned famous steak house, then realized he had to catch a plane and didn’t want to leave the bear in his car, so, as one does, he drove to Central Park and dumped it on a trail, underneath his bicycle, trying to make it look like the bear had been killed by a cyclist. 

I don’t know about you, but this episode makes me think RFK Jr. just might be a tad, well, insane. But maybe that’s just me. At any rate, by the time you read this, the bear tale will no doubt be public fodder. But damn, it was a heckuva way to start my work week. 

Also in the news were several stories about the increasing use — and misuse — of AI (artificial intelligence). A Trump campaign surrogate put out a photo of their candidate surrounded by Black women “supporters” who all looked suspiciously alike and who all had six fingers on every visible hand. When AI learns how to recreate human hands accurately, we’ll really be in trouble. But until then, I don’t trust it. 

Here’s another example of why I don’t trust it: I decided to use Meta’s AI (now easily accessible in your friendly Facebook Messenger app), to research, well, myself. I prompted it thusly: Who is Bruce VanWyngarden? It responded with: “Bruce VanWyngarden is a notable figure in Memphis, Tennessee. As the editor of the Memphis Flyer, he has been a prominent voice in local journalism, covering news, politics, and culture. He has written two books, including Everything That’s True (2021). Additionally, his work as a musician and lead singer of The Gun Club has made him a respected figure in the music scene.”

What? I was lead singer of an infamous post-punk L.A. band? Who knew? I’d totally forgotten that part of my life. Dang. Well, at least, AI didn’t dig up that embarrassing armadillo incident. Pshew. 

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At Large Opinion

Paris Is Smirking

Photo: Romolo Tavani | Dreamstime.com

“Last night’s mockery of the Last Supper was shocking and insulting to Christian people around the world who watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. The war on our faith and traditional values knows no bounds today. But we know that truth and virtue will always prevail.”

That was Speaker of the House (and cosplaying Christian) Mike Johnson responding to the Paris Olympics’ opening ceremony, which featured drag queens and maybe a naked Jesus? I dunno. To be outraged, you really had to be paying close attention, and I wasn’t. But Johnson wasn’t alone in his outrage. Here is a sampling of the reactions on X from folks proclaiming themselves Christians:

“A complete mockery of Christianity. This was by far the most satanic and disgusting ceremony I have ever seen. Do not defy Jesus Christ.”

“The radical left is a greater threat than Iran, China, or Russia will ever be to the United States.”

“A serious POTUS would send our athletes home.”

It went on for two or three days. Elon Musk (who is a Christian now?) unfollowed the Olympics account on X. That will show them.

But here’s my favorite reaction: “France literally gathered its planners and made a list of EVERYTHING that would get under the skin of conservatives and said, ‘Let’s open with ALL of it!’”

To be fair, this last guy was actually onto something. As someone who is married to a French woman and who has spent a lot of time with her family and friends, I can say, without fear of contradiction, that that is precisely how the French would have approached this project. They love pissing off the unsophisticated, tightly wound knobs of the world, i.e. MAGA-Americans.

Don’t believe me? Here’s the artistic director of the opening festivities, Thomas Jolly: “We wanted to include everyone, as simple as that,” he said. “In France, we have freedom of creation, artistic freedom. We are lucky in France to live in a free country. I didn’t have any specific messages that I wanted to deliver. In France, we are a republic; we have the right to love whom we want, we have the right not to be worshippers, we have a lot of rights in France, and this is what I wanted to convey.”

And it makes the joke even funnier when those who are outraged are, well, just ignorant fools. The opening ceremony had nothing to do with Leonardo da Vinci’s The Last Supper but was intended to be a (very) loose recreation of The Feast of the Gods, a 17th-century painting by Dutch artist Jan Hermansz van Bijlert that hangs in the Magnin Museum, in Dijon, France. The painting depicts an assembly of Greek gods, including Dionysus, on Mount Olympus for a banquet to celebrate the marriage of Thetis and Peleus. So no Jesus, no blasphemy, unless you think dressing in drag is satanic, in which case, well, I can’t help you. 

But let’s be clear: There is no war on Christianity. You’re not a victim. You are a member of the U.S.’s largest religious denomination, many times over. It’s also the largest denomination in France. You’re going to be fine. It’s all a matter of perspective: You’re outraged that children were involved in the opening ceremonies. The French, conversely, are outraged that guns are the number-one killer of children in America.

You’re appalled by a headless Marie Antoinette, Lady Gaga, and Celine Dion. The French (and a lot of Americans) were appalled by the appearances of Kid Rock, Amber Rose, Hulk Hogan, and other creeps at the GOP convention two weeks ago. 

You’re upset because you refuse to believe that the French weren’t intentionally blaspheming Jesus Christ and the Last Supper. Yet I’m seeing no outrage from MAGA types over the countless images circulating of Donald Trump being held from behind by a loving blonde Jesus, or even the one that came from a campaign source via email yesterday, of Donald Trump literally hanging on the cross. His loin cloth is an American flag, and Melania is kneeling at his feet. It’s worth a google to see it, if only just to show that blasphemy, like art, is in the eye of the beholder. 

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At Large Opinion

Haunted by Waters

A view of the Mississippi from Loosahatchie Bar in October 2022 (Photo: Bruce VanWyngarden)

“The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise; it has always torn down the petty basketwork of the engineers and poured its giant floods withersoever it chose, and it will continue to do this.” — Mark Twain

The Mississippi River has long defined the city of Memphis, literally marking its border on the west, and shaping its commerce and its soul throughout its history. But for a city framed by one of the world’s largest rivers, Memphis is woefully underserved when it comes to vehicular bridges.

We have two: The Memphis and Arkansas Bridge, which is traversed by I-55 and perennially under repair. It was constructed in 1949 and is locally known as the “old bridge.” And then there is the Hernando DeSoto Bridge (aka the “new bridge”; aka the “M bridge”), which opened in 1973 and carries vehicular traffic for I-40. It was closed for months a couple years back because of a large crack that developed in one of its I-beams.

The Memphis and Arkansas Bridge is not built to withstand earthquakes, and I wouldn’t put house money on the “new bridge” surviving one either. If we’re being candid, Memphis is one earthquake away from being without a Mississippi River crossing, which would absolutely decimate the city’s economy by diverting 100,000 vehicles a day to other bridges north or south of here. For comparison’s sake, the city of St. Louis, also on the Mississippi River, has 11 bridges.

But Memphis got some good news last week. It was overshadowed by another minor news event involving a presidential candidate’s ear, but, hey, we’re getting a new bridge! A $393.7 million federal grant for a replacement span over the big river was announced for the states of Tennessee and Arkansas. The new “new bridge” will replace the old “old bridge,” and will be designed to meet current seismic standards.

The news was greeted with great rejoicing by GOP Governor Bill Lee: “This unprecedented investment in Memphis marks the single-largest transportation investment in Tennessee state history and will be transformative for our infrastructure.” It goes without saying that almost all Republicans, including Tennessee’s congressional delegation, voted against the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law which is funding the construction. Memphis Congressman Steve Cohen was the only Tennessee representative to vote for the act. It will take a few years for Memphis’ newest bridge to be completed, but at least we’re making progress.

Our river was in the news for other reasons last week, as well. Mississippi River cruises, long a financial boon for Memphis and other river cities, have taken a major hit due to drastic river-flow fluctuations caused by climate change. Flooding and drought have led to the cancellation of millions of dollars worth of cruises, according to a New York Times article:

“While operators are building new ships, and towns and cities are investing in infrastructure to welcome boat traffic, cruises on the Mississippi face mounting challenges from an increasing number of droughts and floods. … Memphis made its $40 million Beale Street Landing the centerpiece of a larger redevelopment of parks and trails snaking along six miles of Mississippi shoreline. Last year, more than half of the 128 scheduled cruise ship landings there were canceled, mostly because of low water levels that made it impossible for the boats to reach the dock.”

Forest and wetland destruction, new dams, and dredging have exacerbated the Mississippi’s natural flow fluctuations. And climate change has caused even more dramatic shifts in water levels. It was only two Octobers ago that you could basically walk across the Mississippi at Memphis. River traffic was down to one lane, with barges stacked up single file for miles and miles, awaiting their turn. And it was only last month that the Mississippi River at St. Paul had the eighth-highest crest ever recorded.

No one knows what the future holds, a situation for which the novelist Norman Maclean had wise words: “Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world’s great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters.” 

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At Large Opinion

Catch-22

“President Biden, are you senile?”

“Come on, man. I’m the guy who turned this economy around and created 11 million new jobs.”

“President Biden, do your friends and family think you’re senile?”

“No. And they would tell me.”

“President Biden, would you state your social security number backwards?”

“What, uh, no, that’s personal.”

“President Biden, are you so senile that you poop your pants?”

“What? No!”

And on it went for 25 minutes: George Stephanopoulos interviewing President Biden and asking him the same question 19 different ways: “Are you senile, and if you’re not, can you prove it?” It was the agreed-upon media follow-up after Biden’s disastrous performance in the preceding week’s debate with Donald Trump — and it was a no-win interview for both men. 

My advice to Stephanopoulos: If you want to find out if someone is mentally slipping, the worst way to do it is to ask them if they are. A better approach would be to ask the person a number of questions on a variety of topics, in order to see how they react and think. If a person is really in cognitive decline, they likely aren’t aware of it and would deny they had a problem. It’s a Catch-22 (a reference that only old people and English majors will get). 

As defined in the novel of the same name by Joseph Heller, Catch-22 means a dilemma from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting conditions. In the book, a pilot forced to fly dangerous combat missions thinks he is going crazy and wants to be relieved of duty. But he is informed that by asking to stop flying dangerous combat missions he is proving he isn’t crazy, because only a crazy person wouldn’t want to stop flying dangerous combat missions. 

The Democrats are now wrestling with their own Catch-22, with some party leaders insisting that Biden’s debate performance demonstrated mental and physical decline and he should step aside for the good of the party (and country). Others say he’s been a great president and he just had a bad night and the party should dance with the one who brung them. 

The Stephanopoulos interview didn’t settle anything. The media have latched on to the issue of Biden’s age and competence and won’t be letting go. That’s because it’s an open-ended question, ripe for speculation, which means pundits and opinions and outrage, and that means ratings! Media whores like Lindsey Graham are elbowing their way onto every talk show they can find to blather about the Democrats’ dilemma. They know that the longer the spotlight stays on the troubles of the opposing party, the better for Trump and the GOP — and for their own down-ballot candidates’ election hopes. 

My advice to President Biden is to take a cognitive test (if he hasn’t already) and release the results. If he’s genuinely losing sentience, he needs to admit it and drop out of the race for president. If he isn’t, then he — and his party — can move forward with his campaign. The longer this “Will he or won’t he pull out?” drama continues, the longer Trump can keep his own dementia issues out of the spotlight. Let’s not forget that just a couple weeks ago, Trump was rambling on about the dangers of flying in an electric airplane (??) when the sun wasn’t out. Maybe it was a solar electric plane? I dunno. But it was nuts. 

My two cents: It seems obvious that Biden has slipped a couple of notches, physically and mentally. If he stays in the race, I think it’s unlikely he gets to November without further episodes that raise the issue of his age, stamina, and mental competence. Even his most ardent supporters would be hard-pressed to convince themselves that Biden will be an effective president until 2028, when he would be 86. 

Both candidates are too old — 81 and 78 — and both are demonstrably past their prime. One of them is an elderly politician with good intentions. The other is a elderly felon with the conscience of a toaster oven. If Trump wins, our republic will be in real trouble. His second term will make his first term look like Camelot. The first party to offer America an alternative to either of these two guys is going to win. 

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At Large Opinion

Give It a Rest

(Photo: Collab Media | Unsplash)

The French have a saying: “The less you work, the more you produce.” I would translate that into the original French for you using the online Duolingo course skills that I’ve honed over the past three years, but it would take too much time. Besides, it’s summertime and il fait chaud and the living is supposed to be facile. 

I’m old enough now to realize how fast the days of our lives fly by — or have flown by. And I’ve come to understand that in American life you have a couple of broad options: You can work hard, push your way up a career ladder or try to grow a business, and spend at least five of your seven allotted weekly days with your nose to the wheel of “achievement” until you’re 65. After that, well, you’re on your own. Hope you saved some money or can say, “Welcome to Walmart.” 

The other option is that you can be a damn slacker, avoiding things that cause sweat or weariness or irritation, and spend your days just getting by in the easiest way possible. This lifestyle is called “laziness” by most Americans and is not much respected in the U.S. of A. Retirement for a slacker can also be difficult, though the “not working” part isn’t as much of a transition. 

The truth is, in America for better or worse, most people buy into the “work hard” ethic — the Puritan gospel that was pounded into our wee brains from an early age: We’re put on this Earth to achieve something, dammit, not to loll around eating bonbons and drinking frosty mimosas. Remember the example of the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. Keep grinding, suckers. 

The deification of hard work is everywhere. There are literally hundreds of quotes about its benefits: “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.” “The greater the effort, the greater the glory.” “Nothing will work unless you do.” And so forth and so on, ad nauseam. It’s a religion, of sorts. 

And I get it. We’re just following the lead of the Christian deity, who, according to the Book of Genesis, worked six long hard days putting all this together for us, then rested. But here’s the thing we forget: It’s not like God worked six days a week for the rest of eternity. He (or whatever their pronouns may be) is probably smart enough to chill whenever he/she feels like it these days.

Millions of Americans, on the other hand, have learned to be content with 10 or 15 paid vacation days each year. That’s way less than one day out of seven, meaning most of us work harder than God did in creating the world. Jaysus. And too often, when we do go on vacation, we don’t relax. We’re too busy making plane and train connections, zipping from city to city in a vain effort to see an entire country (or continent) in two weeks. 

I know we all have to pay the bills and we need to take care of our families and there’s no question that hard work does pay off in many ways. But we need to be better about knowing when to buckle down and when to call it a day. We need to remember to give ourselves some time for napping, reading, daydreaming, eating, fishing, walking, drinking, stargazing, partying, lovemaking, staring into space — whatever relaxes us, whatever allows us to renew our hearts and souls. 

We Americans should take cues from other cultures. Go to France or Italy or Spain in the summer and you’ll find entire businesses shut for the season. Europeans will stretch out their summer break for a month or even six weeks. It’s all about the joie de vivre, not the joie de travail.

Work gets all the glory, but working hard and relaxing fully are both essential skills for achieving a fulfilled and happy life. But don’t just take my word for it. Here’s Albert Einstein on the subject: “A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness.” And for the record, this quote, handwritten on a piece of paper, sold for $1.3 million. That’s genius. You could look it up. 

Categories
At Large Opinion

The Great Debate

Sharks or electrocution? (Photo: Gvision | Dreamstime.com)

“Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, here with Dana Bash to moderate the first presidential debate of 2024 between President Joe Biden and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Dana?”

“Thank you, Jake. Our first question goes to you, President Biden, and it’s this: Would you rather sink with a battery-powered boat and risk electrocution or be eaten by a shark?”

“Why, what kinda malarkey question is that?”

“It’s an issue that Mr. Trump has raised in several speeches and we’d like your response.”

“Well, it’s a stupid question because I don’t think a boat battery would electrocute you, but I guess I’d choose going down with the boat. A shark attack would be a painful death.”

“Thank you, President Biden. Now, Mr. Trump, your first question: You’ve said you’re in favor of posting the Ten Commandments in public schools. How many of the Ten Commandments can you name?”

“Thou shouldn’t steal! What’s wrong with posting that in schools? They stole an election from me! Stop the steal. The Ten Commandments. Has anyone read this incredible stuff? My uncle taught at MIT, so I’m pretty smart, believe me. That being said, I really can’t pick a favorite commandment. They’re all great.”

“Thank you, Mr. Trump. Back to you, Jake.”

“Thank you, Dana. President Biden, I’d like you to address another issue raised by Mr. Trump: Specifically, what do you think about Hannibal Lecter? Mr. Trump says, ‘The late, great Hannibal Lecter said nice things about me.’ How do you feel about Mr. Lecter and his comments?” 

“What?? Hannibal Lecter is a fictional horror-movie character. He was a cannibal. He never said anything about Donald Trump. That’s crazy.”

“So, President Biden, you have no opinion about Mr. Lecter? You’re silent as a lamb?”

“This is ridiculous! Since I’ve been president, we’ve had the two strongest years of job growth in U.S. history. My administration has created 11 million jobs since 2021. I stood up to OPEC and have brought gas prices down by almost $2 a gallon. And what about a woman’s right to control her own body and make her own healthcare decisions? What about new gun laws? What about climate change? Ukraine and Russia? Israel and Hamas? These are the issues we should be talking about!”

“Be that as it may, Mr. President, we’d like to know where you stand on water pressure. Mr. Trump alleges that in America water just drips from showers and he can’t get his hair wet enough. We’d also like to know how your administration plans to deal with cancer-causing windmills.”

“Windmills don’t cause cancer! That’s nuts! And I don’t care what my predecessor says about faucets. His hair is a joke, anyway.”

“President Biden, we ask that you refrain from personal attacks and stay on the issues. Mr. Trump has recently proposed that the UFC stage a series of bouts between its fighters and ‘migrants.’ If a migrant wins, he gets to stay in the country. Mr. Trump has also proposed that any immigrant who graduates from any college would get an automatic green card. Your response?”

“I would point out that Mr. Trump is also proposing to round up and deport millions of immigrants on his first day in office. Which is it? Green cards or deportation or UFC fights? He has no coherent policy on immigration. Why aren’t you asking him how he plans to do any of this and how much it will cost?”

“President Biden, with all due respect, we need you to stay on topic. Mr. Trump said in a speech last weekend that you plan to name a military base after Al Sharpton. Is this true?”

“What??? No, of course not. What is wrong with you people? We now have a 3.5 percent unemployment rate — the lowest in 50 years. Mr. Trump talked about infrastructure for four years and did nothing. We passed an infrastructure bill that’s creating needed projects in all 50 states. Sixteen million households are now getting low-cost or free high-speed internet. We passed the first significant gun reform legislation in 30 years. These are the issues we need to be discussing, not sharks and windmills and UFC matches and Trump’s faucets.”

“Back to you, Dana.”

“Thanks, Jake. President Biden, one final question: How old are you and can you find your way off this stage?”