Author: Cheri DelBrocco

When the Tea Party can agree with the ACLU, maybe there is hope for salvaging the last remaining vestiges of private liberty.

“Don’t Touch My Junk!” has replaced “Don’t Taze Me, Bro!” as our new rallying cry. In the airline industry’s never ending duck walk to a national police state, the US has crossed The Rubicon. When airplane passengers are forced to choose between going through full body x-ray scanners or being groped by a federal agent, we have crashed all the barriers of reason and common sense.

Which is why the comment by Homeland Security Department Secretary, Janet Napolitano, after hearing the public’s outrage, should be the quote of the year, “I really want to say, look, let’s be realistic and use our common sense.” The Secretary does not realize the obvious—- continuing and accelerating Bush security policies prohibit the use of common sense because for the eight years George W. Bush was president, common sense was like WMD in Iraq——it was not to be found.

• Cheri DelBrocco

Since the establishment of the Homeland Security Department in 2002, airline travelers have suffered a full frontal assault on their personal freedoms. The mantra, “It’s for your protection” has been repeated ad nauseam to anyone who dared even to whisper a complaint about the utter absurdity of going through airport security.

Ninety pound grannies being hoisted out of wheel chairs to be scanned by metal detector wands——for our protection. Mothers being made to drink their own breast milk——for our protection. Eighty year old veterans, with steel plates in their hips being patted down for setting off metal detectors ——for our protection. Traumatized two-year olds being placed in glass puffer machines while their sobbing parents watched——-for our protection. Shoe removal. Clothing removal. Liquid bans. Jewelry removal. Scanning, puffing, searching, touching— our bodies and our possessions——- all for our protection. Or so we were told.

But this week, the ridiculous evolved into the reprehensible—a breast cancer survivor was forced to show a TSA agent her prosthetic breast—- flyers had to publicly display their colostomy bags, men to watch their daughters and wives being groped by TSA agents, children watched their parents being felt up. The most personal of intrusions, from total strangers, we were told once again, was for our protection.

For the federal government to assume that every person boarding a plane is equally likely to blow it up is patently knee jerk and reactive. The security measures we currently use were in place when one man was able to board a plane with explosives in his shoe. Our reaction? Everyone must take off their shoes!

Flyers removed their shoes at airports when a ring of terrorists were busted in a London flat for attempting to make liquid explosives. Our reaction? Everyone must be limited to three ounce liquid containers in a quart-size plastic bag! (Interestingly, passengers can now buy all the liquid they want after they go through the checkpoint and can bring it on board.) Travelers here were complying with security measures when a man boarded a Detroit bound plane in Amsterdam with explosives in his underwear. Our reaction? Everyone must be body scanned! It’s a good thing the guy wasn’t naked with explosives in his anus! Taken to its logical conclusion, the next reaction will be for TSA agents to glove up with KY jelly for without doubt, a terrorist somewhere in the world has already figured out how to make a suppository filled with explosive chemicals.

How do we stop racing down this inherently absurd road where every security measure involves a retreat from not only our civil liberties, but all boundaries of decency? Where does the insanity end?

It is time to listen to people like Isaac Yeffet, a New Jersey security business owner and former anti-terrorism specialist for the Israeli secret service who ran El Al Airlines for years. In a television interview this week, Mr. Yeffet pointed out the travesty of the US system and stated that technological measures used here are not only useless, but actually work as a detriment to our security. He called for a complete screening transformation by implementing the use of better employee training, eye-to-eye communications with customers, and questioning of passengers. These sensible measures have worked in Israel for years.

It is time for city officials across the country to listen to New York City councilman David Greenfield, who has proposed legislation that bans the use of all body scanners in New York City airports because they have been proven by outside security firms to not only be ineffectual, but downright dangerous.

It is time for us to wake up and realize that Americans are having their fourth amendment rights violated by unreasonable searches and the lawsuits that will ensue could further threaten our economy by forcing more airlines to go broke.

It is time to redeem that precious commodity called Common Sense. As Benjamin Franklin once stated, “Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.” The use of body scanners give us neither.

• Cheri DelBrocco

While President OBambi was roaming the woods looking for an olive branch to chew on, the Republicans performed a poltergeist—They’re Baaaaack!!

Yep. In our brave new world of Orwellian doublespeak, where war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and right wing fantasy is news, Republicans have come back from the dead. You’ve gotta hand it to them, when it comes to winning over Low Information Nation, the GOP nails it every time.

So now we’ve got John Boehner, the new Weeper of the House, a Drama Queen so good at crying on cue he makes Susan Lucci envious.

However, Psycho IV: The Tea Party’s Triumph was only the prequel to a big Coming Attraction. Prepare yourselves for the Tea-publican Fantastic Feature of 2011—- Witch Hunt II: Mission from God. It will be opening in January on swearing-in day.

Although we’ve seen this movie before, this new one will be BOFFO, because Americans never tire of watching a horror flick. This one promises to be a sequel to a 1998 production—Witch Hunt: Mission to Destroy—-when the last Democratic president was investigated by a cast of fanatics determined to dig and panty-sniff their way to finding just what they needed to run him out of DC on a rail.

We watched while characters like Dan Burton got the enterprise cranked up by spending millions investigating the suicide death of deputy White House counsel Vince Foster. After that, the real action began when the last Republican Diva of the House, Newt Gingrich, along with Metrosexual Special Prosecutor Ken Starr and their merry band of House ‘managers,’ proceeded to blow through countless budgets producing box office smashes like Whitewater, Travel-gate, and the infamous Paula Jones Trooper-gate.

When the total excavation of Bill Clinton’s personal life was completed they finally — finally! —hit the Mother Lode! An intern, a blue dress, and some oral sex—lights, cameras, action! At long last, like Tapioca pudding, the plot had thickened and it was time to get to the climax (no pun intended): Impeach Bill Clinton and remove him from office!

So now, the Midterms have graced us with new stars. The role of ingénue has fallen to Oversight Committee chair Darryl “the Slice-A” Issa (R-CA), who has already been all over the airwaves promising to conduct seven investigative hearings a week for his first 40 weeks. On the day after the election, Issa held a press conference alleging illegal conduct by this administration: to wit, that President Obama received $700 billion in “walking around money” from the stimulus funds.

That same day, Issa apologized for his former claims of asserting that President Obama was the “most corrupt president to ever hold office” and that “now is time for some political payback”.

Representative Issa has got all the Bad Boy creds it takes to be a superstar in Tea-publican show biz. In 1980, the congressman and his brother were prosecuted in California for allegedly faking the theft of Issa’s cherry red Mercedes 240 sedan and selling it to a car dealer for $16,000. After a judge ordered them to stand trial on felony charges, they both pleaded not guilty.

A few months later, a prosecutor dismissed the case and the charges were dropped, although the judge who ordered the trial said he strongly suspected the two men committed the crime. Issa was also the driving force behind the effort to recall California governor Gray Davis and to install The Govenator, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As usual, job creation, deficit reduction, or helping the President fix the nation’s daunting problems won’t be the focus of the new Tea-publican zealots. Oh no; the new spectacle in Washington will take us back to the future of twelve years ago and push us even farther down the economic rathole.

Millions will be blown on subpoenas, special prosecutors, investigations, and indictments, and ultimately, on the completed work of their Trilogy: Last Epic: The Impeachment of Barrack Obama.
Tune in, unless you’ve already sold your plasma and recliner on Craigslist to pay for a Thanksgiving turkey and your Christmas layaway at Wal-Mart.

• Cheri DelBrocco

Election Day, November 2, 2010.

To The Tea Party——As your Nevada darling Sharron Angle has said, “It’s time to Man Up!”
The following pact is The Tea Party Socialist-Free Pledge upholding all the principles of a government (Socialist) free society and pledging to strictly adhere to living in a country where all government(Socialist) intervention is eliminated, so before you go to the polls be sure to sign on the line because we wouldn’t want you to be all wee-weed up.

I,_________________________, do solemnly swear to abstain from the use of and participation in any of the following Government-Run (Socialist) goods and services including but not limited to the following:

* Social Security
* Medicare/Medicaid
* Sidewalks
* Roads & Highways
* Bridges
* Tunnels
* Public Water & Sewer Services
* Police, Fire & Emergency Services
* U.S. Postal Service
* Unemployment Insurance
* Municipal Garbage & Recycling Services
* Air Travel (regulated by Socialist FAA)
* U.S. Railway Service
* Subways/Metro Systems
* Public Bus and Light Rail Systems
* State Highway Rest Areas
* Public Elementary, Middle & High Schools
* Public Universities & Colleges
* Public Museums
* Public Libraries
* Public Parks & Beaches
* State & National Parks
* Public Zoos
* Treatment at any Local, State, or Federal Government (Socialist) funded Hospital or Health Clinic
* Medications or Medical Services that were created from Government (Socialist) Grants or Research
* Produce, Meat, or Food grown with, fed with, or that might contain any ingredient paid for with Government (Socialist) farm subsidies
* Veteran benefits from the Government-run (Socialist) Military
* All Government (Socialist) sponsored buildings including the national Capitol & all State Capitols
* All Courthouses, State & Federal

In addition, I pledge to never visit or allow my children to visit any of the following Socialist locations throughout the country:
* Washington Monument; Lincoln Memorial; Jefferson Monument
* Statue of Liberty
* The Grand Canyon
* World War II & Vietnam Veterans Memorials
* Arlington National Cemetery
* Yellowstone National Park
* The Great Smoky Mountains
* The Smithsonian Museum
* Mount Rushmore
* The Hoover Dam
* The Florida Everglades

Furthermore and in Addition, I will:
* Contact my Members of Congress & Senate, both State and National, and demand they leave their state capitols (or Washington, DC), therefore foregoing their Socialist salaries and Government-Provided Socialist healthcare.
* I will also oppose & condemn the Government run (Socialist) military of the United States.
* I will oppose any and all other Government-run (Socialist) departments such as The Pentagon, FBI, CIA, The Department of Homeland Security, TSA, and Department of Justice

Finally, I solemnly swear to do the following:

* Upon reaching eligible retirement age, I will immediately shred all checks coming from the most Socialistic of all Government Programs—Social Security— and will work to privatize it so that all its funds can be made available to investors on Wall Street

* Upon reaching age 65, I will burn my Medicare card, foregoing all Socialist/Government-run healthcare and will pay for all my healthcare with private insurance premiums until I die.

• Cheri DelBrocco and friend

That Glory Train, The Tea Party Express, has pulled into the station. For the next three days, Opryland is The Promised Land. After a series of rallies throughout the past year that looked like they were made for a Quentin Tarantino movie, Tea Party Nation is throwing a convention in Nashville. The love-in has begun. Or has it?

All the usual suspects have shown up. The Beckers, the Birthers, the Dittoheads, and their like minded posses of racists, xenophobes, homophobes, and other sundry phobic gangs in Winger World. And then there are the pro-lifers—who advocate for “justifiable” murder because it “saves innocent life which begins at the moment of fertilization.” Go figure.

According to recent reporting by the New York Times, and other media, there is trouble brewing in Tea Bagger Paradise. It seems as though the organizers who are charging $550 a pop to attend right wing fantasy weekend have chapped a few butts and raised more than a few eyebrows. Tension has mounted in the last couple of weeks, and while the rest of us are deciding between the Colts and the Saints, the Tea Baggers have been feuding like the Hatfields and the McCoys.

And it’s not just over money. Splintering and splitting is occurring over political identity. Libertarian factions who want a smaller government that stays out of personal life choices are sparring with religious groups who want a big government that uses its power to discriminate against people they don’t like.

Last week, Representatives Michele Bachman of Minnesota and Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee both canceled appearances. No one in their camps are really explaining their sudden and last minute decisions as no-shows, although Blackburn reportedly felt that Tea Party brass had put guest speakers in an awkward position by extending an invitation to a for-profit convention.

Last minute switcheroos have also been made by several organizations who were expected to attend. Most notably canceling was a nativist group known as FAIR (for the Federation for American Immigration Reform). FAIR withdrew suddenly this week over concerns about the for-profit status of the convention organizers and the possibility of convention money flowing into unknown campaign coffers. The nativist slot is meanwhile being filled by a group known as NumbersUSA, founded by John Tanton, a retired Michigan eye doctor who’s written that to maintain American culture “a European-American majority” is required. The current head of NumbersUSA, Roy Beck, has made speaking appearances at the national conference of the white nationalist Council of Conservative Citizens.

But alas, there is that certain someone who will stop the bickering, however momentarily, and turn those sour grapes into red-state communion wine. She is the real reason most showing up have made their pilgrimage. They have come to honor their Madonna —The Lady of Perpetual Paranoia—-Saint Sarah of Alaska. She will reportedly receive $100,000 for her appearance and clearly, some in TPN are annoyed and have questioned the steep price tag. However, when Sarah shows up, merrily pouring verbal gasoline and lighting her book of matches by declaring that those in attendance are just like her—- misunderstood and disrespected Put-Upons who are picked on by a country full of “socialist” elites who don’t know what it’s like to live in the “real America”, she will wink her way right into their hearts. And their wallets.