Memphis— Is child star/outsider weapons designer Amanda Bynes considering a run for the Memphis Mayor’s office?
When asked to comment on a possible Bynes platform, an area politico who asked not to be named suggested that she might surround Mud Island with sharks and turn it into a prison for drug offenders.
“She said she’d get rid of all the rats,” our source claims.
“Then she screamed at me and threw gas on what looked like a dog.”
It’s time for concerned citizens to stand up for four day weekends and invent some new national holidays to follow any currently existing national holidays that fall on Thursday. As we round out the 237th year of these United States, I feel that everyone needs an extra shot of AMERICA. It’s July 5th folks! The US is 237 years and 1 day old! What better way to celebrate than watching a guy riding on a flippin’ buffalo accompanied by an American band singing along to a guy riding on a BUFFALO!!!
Fourteen Memphis smoke shops were recently declared a public nuisance and shut down. Now this, from the future…
Day 53: I have survived another day. Madison doesn’t look the way it used to. There’s fewer of us left. I had to eat McDonald’s to get my fix. A Happy Meal doesn’t cut it. I got my other needs at a different place, but I need these.
Day 62: I found what I was looking for but I can’t get in! It’s boarded up with yellow tape and SIGNS. SIGNS FROM WHERE?!?!?? WHAT THE HELL??? I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT
Day 63: It is still there, still boarded up. I know they are in there. I know. I can smell them. Through the “potpourri” through the “spice” I can smell them. I found something like them, but not THEM.
Day 67: I got lost.
Day 72: I found it again. I clawed the boards until my fingers bled. I NEED THEM. THEY ARE CALLING ME. COME TO ME
DAY 96: IM TIRED OF WRITING THIS JOURNAL DAMMIT. I JUST NEED MY FIX. I JUST WANT TO HOLD THEM FOR A FEW MINUTES. I JUST WANT ONE TO TAKE. OPEN THE DAMN DOORS!!! WHY ME??????????
Day 102: Much calmer now. I got in. I found it. I found the one. I can’t leave. I can’t sleep. They will take it away again. I don’t care about the plastic baggies or the “vitamins” here, I just wanted this one little guy…
Bandz a make Miley Cyrus twerk. But then again, what doesn’t?
Ever had one of those days where you just ponder on the “Why” of things? I do. I do often. Why did my AC go out during the hottest week (so far) in Memphis? Why is there 10 months between seasons of Game of Thrones? Why is Tanning Mom a celebrity? Why did Kimye name their kid after a defunct airline? Why is the Pyramid cursed? Why is the fiber network in Memphis not being used? Why did Miley Cyrus decide that twerkin was the right path for her? Why is he asking all of these why questions?
It’s because I want you to think and open your mind. Why, you may ask…
