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News News Feature

As the Worm Turns

It would appear that I have caused a great uproar with comments I made in
this column a couple of weeks ago. People from around the world have mailed
the Flyer to protest some of the factual matters I presented concerning
Apple Computer’s attempts to subvert the Germantown signage ordinance and
locate an internally illuminated, rainbow-colored Apple logo on the
façade of their new store in posh Saddle Creek.

And yet, I stand by my story. I was correct in every important assertion.
I have checked with my sources and they have checked with their sources and we
have determined that there are no errors in the column.

Here’s the irony: I withheld information that I have gathered — through
careful reportage — about the real ramifications of Apple Computer’s showdown
with the city of Germantown. This is a story that must be told and you’ll read
it only in this Flyer exclusive. Apple lovers, get ready. You ain’t
seen nothin’ yet.

The core of this fallout lies in recent, secret meetings among Germantown
officials, who are seeking ways to make the city’s Internet experience more
wholesome and more tasteful. To wit, they are seeking a way to route all
Internet traffic through a central Germantown Server Farm (GSF) that would
automatically police the Web to ensure that strict content specifications
contained in the ordinance will be met. The GSF is being programmed to prevent
any offending Web page from reaching client computers within the city limits.
More on all of this in a moment.

Before disclosing the details of this new ordinance, though, I do want to
make one clarification that bears on my last column, in which I detailed the
genesis of the fierce battle between Germantown and Apple.

While I will not concede that there were errors in my previous column,
there was one misleading assumption: I implied that Germantown’s original city
leaders, who authored the strict signage ordinance in the 1970s, were driven
by a harrowing experience in which they viewed the Pappy and Jimmy’s sign at
Hollywood and Poplar while under the influence of psychotropic substances. The
sight of the two neon-etched lobsters on the sign, each bearing a bespectacled
human head, had so frightened the future leaders that one of their first moves
upon seizing power was to outlaw internally lit signs, oversized signs, and
signs that depict people, animals (especially lobsters), vegetables, or fruit.
The fact is, my sources tell me, that it was far more likely that these
leaders were under the influence of “transcendental meditation” and
that no foreign chemical substances had been involved. I personally doubt
this, but who am I to make things up?

As for other matters that seemed to rankle the scores who sent e-mails
about the previous column, I have nothing to say other than go look it up, my
friends, go look it up. You think I was wrong in identifying the Apple
operating system as “OS AX”? Well, maybe I know a little something
that only the deep-clearance software developers at Apple know. Like maybe OS
AX (rhymes with “cossacks”) is in fact a secret new operating
system, one that’s quickly being compiled with lots of new “DLLs”
and “SDRAMs” to counter the slick perfection of the new Microsoft
EXP “machine language” operating system.

I will admit that I fail to understand the vitriol that fuels this heated
Apple versus Microsoft debate among computer users. It’s like the Ford versus
Chevy arguments that caused numerous rumbles between Jets and Sharks back in
my youth or the Fender versus Gibson battles that raged back when I was in a
garage band. Perhaps there’s a failure to realize that the computer-makers and
the software mavens are applying some intense marketing. Perhaps computers
are, after all, nothing more than machines built by enormous corporations
using very effective image advertising (“Think Different”) to create
an illusion that there is, in reality, a nickel’s worth of difference between
them. I don’t know.

And frankly, I don’t care. Because now there’s more serious baggage to
tote. The worm has turned and Germantown is about to make things very
difficult for Apple owners.

You see, the aforementioned new ordinance — tentatively named the
Germantown Internet Tastefulness ordinance (GIT) — would outlaw and prevent
the following elements for anyone using a computer to log on and surf within
the confines of the city of Germantown:

· No Web pages containing pop-up or banner advertising;

· No animated graphics, tasteless content, left-wing newsletters,
urban legends, or private chat rooms;

· No pornography, gambling, or illegal drug and alcohol sales
(including Viagra);

· No Web bugs, spy software, or tracking ads;

· No sites containing tacky housewares, profanity, non-equine
animals, food, vegetables, or fruit;

· No streaming audio, streaming video, or streaming attachments that
play through Apple’s proprietary Quicktime software;

· No spam, advertisements for penis enlargement or reduction
surgery, viruses, Trojan worms, serial jokes, or misleading subject lines.

The most important element of GIT, though, is the clause that will force
anyone within the city limits who wants to log on via an Apple computer —
either through AppleTalk or DMHL or TC/PIP — to register with the Mayor’s
Action Center and maintain a permit for Internet access. This permit will cost
an estimated $450 a month, effectively pricing Apple out of the reach of even
the wealthiest Germantown Web fiend.

GIT, in other words, will be a major blow to Apple’s attempts to prosper
here in the very city where they came in and tried to get smart over their
proposed sign with the Design Review Commission. The reason? They came in and
tried to get smart over their proposed sign with the Design Review
Commission.

In an interview with an unnamed city official, I asked why the need for
GIT, and why now? “In essence, we want our Web experience to be pure,
quiet, and dignified, as befits the character of the city,” he said.
“So, just like the signage ordinance years ago, we are looking at taking
preemptive action and bringing the Germantown Internet experience back to
where it belongs.”

Now you know. What began at Pappy and Jimmy’s three decades ago has
resulted in a fracas over a rainbow-colored Apple sign that will have far-
reaching ramifications. And if Apple thought the DRC was tough, once they
“GIT” into it with the new Internet Tastefulness Commission, Apple
may well give up computers and go into the lobster business instead. ·

Categories
News News Feature

Sign Of the Times

Apple Computer’s brazen attempts to place an “internally
illuminated” Apple logo on their proposed store in Saddle Creek Shopping
Center reminded me why I have never eaten a lobster. And why the suburbs are,
indeed, a superior place to call home, especially if you have the digital
cable package or a good satellite TV connection.

Everybody’s heard about the hoopla by now: Apple, the company
that brought us such indispensable innovations as the Newton, the Lisa, and
the icon, has long wanted to locate a coveted store in coveted Germantown’s
most coveted shopping locale. But when they submitted the plans for their
Saddle Creek storefront to Germantown’s Design Review Commission, Apple was
sent packing for not conforming to the suburb’s strict signage ordinance. It
made national news, I think. I’m sure it made The Commercial
Appeal
, and there was no end of letters for weeks, all of them taunting
Germantown for being short-sighted snoots or certified yokels.

Truth be told, Apple should have done their homework. Among the
things proscribed by the ordinance, of course, are signs that are lit from
within. That’s why Germantown’s shops and markets lack that blinding
fluorescent glare that the rest of Shelby County enjoys each evening. We are a
no-neon grove out here. We are subdued, tasteful, and restrained.

Had Apple done a quick study, they would have learned that such
corporate giants as EXXON, McDonald’s, and Cake’s Kitchen had all toed the
line.

But no, Apple had to send a senior vice president to town to try
and snooker the Design Review Commission with a plan for a sign that would
have involved fluorescent lights shining around the giant rainbow Apple logo.
Or something like that. They argued the giant Apple logo wouldn’t be lit from
inside. It would be lit from — the side. When commission members objected,
pointing out that it doesn’t really matter which direction the light comes
from — that a sign with light coming through it is, in fact, internally lit –
– the Apple executive making the presentation kept saying, “That’s your
opinion.” Over and over. You could just see the commission members
seething at this. “That’s your opinion.” Whew.

In the end, the DRC basically told the Apple guy that he could
take “His Opinion” right out the back door with him; they weren’t
going to have some computer-company swifty arguing semantics with them.

The Apple exec kept saying that the company would be at a
disadvantage because people would have trouble finding their store if the sign
weren’t big and bright. And to prove my theory that there are a bunch of folks
out there who have been brainwashed by subliminal messages implanted in the
Apple OS AX operating system, many of the letters to The Commercial
Appeal
said the same thing.

Which is where I agree wholeheartedly with the DRC. I mean,
really, how hard can it possibly be for a Memphian to find a shopping center
in the middle of Germantown? If they get lost looking for Saddle Creek,
they’re morons and they have no business fooling with a goddamn computer in
the first place. Besides, we have a number of diligent police officers
patrolling our thoroughfares looking for stray Memphians to ticket, so I would
urge anyone who thinks Saddle Creek is hard to find to just let the
speedometer creep a mile or two per hour over the limit. Within minutes a
police officer will magically appear to point the way. After he’s pulled you
over.

The Apple fiasco forced me to ruminate over some of the finer
points of history regarding Germantown’s signage ordinance. Some 25 or 30
years ago, when this was all being codified by the politicians and lawyers and
ministers who ran the city, signs were no laughing matter.

I recall, for example, the Pappy and Jimmy’s sign that stood for
several decades at the corner of Hollywood and Poplar next to the steak and
seafood establishment run by Pappy Sammons and Jimmy. The food inside was
great, but the sign out front was one of the most frightening prolonged
psychedelic stimulants ever produced in Memphis. On the sign were two giant
lobsters rimmed in red neon, but instead of lobster heads they had Pappy and
Jimmy heads, complete with horn-rimmed glasses.

Although admittedly scary, I’m told that the sign did some good
in the late 1960s and early 1970s, because it was located on a thoroughfare
which was traversed by all manner of people who had A) been drinking way too
much at the Poplar Lounge or Friday’s or the Bombay Bicycle Club in Overton
Square or B) been snorting acid or dropping pot or whatever it was the
youngsters did back then to get “high” at places like the Bitter
Lemon or at the “rock” concerts at the Shell or the Coliseum. Like a
Gorgon from Greek mythology, two-headed and glowing, with fiery pinchers
burning the night sky, the Pappy and Jimmy’s sign terrified whole carloads of
intoxicated innocents into sobriety. No matter how hard they tried not to
look, they couldn’t help themselves. Here it came. Poplar and Hollywood. Giant
lobsters. With eyeglasses. If the sign didn’t actually scare them straight, it
surely sent them into therapy, along with their children and their children’s
children for seven generations.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that traumatic.

At any rate, that sign is why Germantown officials, in the mid-
1970s, outlawed any signs that had fruits, vegetables, animals, and,
especially, nearsighted crustaceans on them.

The reason the Pappy and Jimmy’s sign is still so large in my
memory is this story, which I heard many years ago: In 1972 or so, six or
eight Germantown teenagers were headed home after attending an Emerson, Lake
& Palmer concert at the Auditorium. They had been gobbling some sort of
mushroom-laced Jungle Juice — your standard-issue psychedelic potion — and
the driver, who was tripping so hard that he had practically become a work of
pointillism, “imagined” that Poplar was just one long conveyor belt
and that they were destined to ride the conveyor belt all the way from the
river out to Germantown. To hell with the stoplights. Green, red, yellow, it
didn’t matter. To hell with brakes and steering wheels and accelerators. The
conveyor belt would move them along according to its own ambitions.

They made it all the way from the Auditorium out to Hollywood
before the engine died. The conveyor belt had … stopped. The reason, the
group in the car declared, was so that all six or eight passengers could
finally attempt to understand the two bespectacled, human-headed lobsters.
There they sat, the conveyor belt working in the other lanes, peering up at
the hissing neon lobster construction until all at once they saw it: Both
lobster-men winked at them! The car started and the conveyor sped them back to
Germantown fast as could be.

And the way I heard it, these same six or eight kids grew up to
become Germantown politicians and ministers and lawyers and they got together
when they seized power in the mid-1970s and the first thing they did was pass
the signage ordinance to make certain that nothing, but nothing, like that
ever happened to them or to any member of their community again.

I had wanted to go to the DRC meeting to clarify all of this. I
had also wanted to ask them if it is true that about 25 years back Germantown
had tried to outlaw colored Christmas lights on the exteriors of houses and
mandate that all outside lights be white. I had wanted to ask the Apple exec a
few other things, such as: Who named “the Chooser,” and what on
earth were they thinking? And how come an iMac always crashes when you try to
run a Microsoft program? And is it true that employees still commonly refer to
Steve Jobs as “The Reality Distortion Field” and hide from him when
he comes into their work areas?

But I couldn’t ask any of this, because I ended up skipping the
actual meeting and attending it “virtually” via the digital cable
package on my TV. But when I saw the DRC hand the Apple exec his hat and send
His Opinion packing, I figured I’d never get a straight answer.

Besides, as I watched the crestfallen exec leaving the chamber,
I’m almost positive that he looked up at the camera and winked, right at me.

Categories
News News Feature

Only a Game

By most accounts a football game was not in order. It was Friday night, September 14th, just three days after the televised horror show in New York and Washington. Clear skies, a breeze with just a hint of autumn, a beautiful sunset off where the city meets the river.

Most had spent this day of prayer and remembrance dressed in red-white-and-blue, on their knees in church, or lighting candles on their porches. By now we had all seen the airliners finding their targets again and again on TV. By now the TV stations were offering no commentary along with the images; instead, they had theme music, giving the carnage a balletic quality that it never deserved. By now, the sight of the immense World Trade Center buildings collapsing onto themselves or the smoldering wound in the Pentagon were all-too-familiar. The dust-covered faces of the firemen and cops who staggered from the rubble told us all we needed to know: that there would be no happy ending to this unprecedented atrocity.

Major League Baseball had cancelled its games through the weekend, as had the NFL and Division I college football. According to some reports, as many as 70 percent of the country’s high schools announced there would be no sports. About the only sporting event going that week was, ironically, the WWF Smackdown. Across the country, stadium lights were dark, stands were empty, and the grass on countless playing fields was undisturbed.

Out here on the perimeter, something akin to magic happened. The high schools in the area decided to go ahead and tee it up, play the games, and let go of the terrible images for just a little while. There seemed to be a kind of unspoken consensus that this was a good thing to be doing, gathering here at Red Devil Stadium behind Germantown High School to watch the latest installment of the ancient football rivalry between Germantown and Collierville. Here, we seemed to agree, was just the potion to lift the dark spell cast three days before.

So we lit candles. We sang the National Anthem, facing a flag hanging limply at half-mast from its pole just beyond the goalposts in the north end-zone. We paid appropriate respect to the thousands of dead and missing.

And then we cheered, as the referee whistled and the players got down to the business of playing a game.

As anyone with whom I attended high school will recall, I was just not cut out for football. More an emaciated nerd than anything else, I did manage to go to the home football games, if for no other reason than because that’s where the weekend party usually began. Back then, I never realized that memories were being formed and stored for a night just like this, when all of us needed desperately to believe in such simple, innocent, and ordinary miracles as the one being played out before us.

Maybe it was the bright stadium lights that made it all so hyper-real. Or maybe it was the colorful uniforms on the players, the coaches, the refs, the cheerleaders, the dance team, the band. Or maybe it was the wild enthusiasm of the students in the stands, their faces painted with American flags, their focus on finding a way through the complicated maze of teenage pressures. Whatever the reason, the two-hour spectacle had a cinematic quality to it, as if every thing and every moment were bathed in a pure white light that was capable, if only for a short time, of helping us understand that the world was still more good than evil.

We store up such moments as these for when we need them. Touchdowns and passes caught and shanked field goals and penalty flags. A throng of kids at the refreshment stand. A girl in line in front of me working up the courage to offer to buy a boy a soda. Marching bands, bass drums, brass and flutes and xylophones.

Sure, there were plenty of other games around Shelby County that Friday night. Other rivalries, other uniforms. This was not a suburban phenomenon. And yet, the scene in Germantown was an old one, by our standards, and that somehow made it special.

Two hours of alternative time passed — no TV, no suicide hijackers, no collapsing skyscrapers. Two hours to forget the world outside the stadium. Two hours to return to the past, or revel in the present, or be aware that the future looks mighty ominous indeed. It was a breather, out here in Burbland, that helped us all appreciate the normal rituals we so regularly take for granted.

And who won? Well, everybody, that’s who.

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.

Categories
News News Feature

Getting Things Done

If you live in the suburbs long enough, sooner or later you realize that you need to become productive. Get some chores done. Fix up the holes in the den ceiling, clean the yard, repair the dishwasher, reupholster some furniture. That sort of thing.

Recently, I looked at our house and decided that productivity was definitely in order. The linoleum in the kitchen is worn through, the appliances (in their original, auto-gag avocado green) are not working properly, the dog has ruined the carpet in every room (at least once), the roof needs replacing, the siding needs painting, and the storage room in the garage is so full of old street-hockey sticks, skateboards, bicycles, and gardening tools that you can’t even get the door open.

So I went and found a copy of Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity by David Allen, who is dubbed “the personal productivity guru” right there on the cover. The book is tremendously popular with the business audience, but it’s also finding a surprising following among those of us who have been slobs long enough and are intrigued by this notion of productivity and relaxation all rolled into one.

Allen’s got a method which, he claims, will lead to productivity in even the most stubborn sluggard. Basically, you just need a big box — or file folder, or desk drawer — to serve as the repository for all your fleeting ideas, plans, goals, and dreams. Just write them down and toss them in.

Once a week or so you go through this repository and figure out the steps you need to take to accomplish these items. If something takes two minutes or less, you do it immediately. If it takes longer, you decide whether to delegate it (make the kids do it), defer it (my standard modus operandi), or toss it (my fallback M.O.).

If you don’t believe it’s this simple, Allen has a splendid Web site — www.davidco.com — where you too can learn about setting up the various calendars, notebooks, and file folders you’ll need to become productive and relaxed.

For my part, folders weren’t enough. I went whole hog and complicated the equation by purchasing a Palm Vx (which Allen actually endorses). This ideal little organizer wasn’t sufficient, though, because I soon needed to “sync” my Palm Vx to a Personal Information Management program on my computer. This entailed buying a new computer (Pentium IV, of course), a 17-inch LCD monitor, Klipsch THX-certified computer speakers (300 watts, with a subwoofer!), and — well, let’s just say I’m wired for action.

All the while, the ceiling remained unfixed, the bedrooms needed painting, the dog needed his shots, the dishwasher still made its typical belching noises, and the car still needed a brake job.

Then I happened upon the missing techno element: When I got to page 93 of Allen’s book, I found that he advocates the use of a Brother P-Touch labeller, a device which I have wanted for years but for which I could never work up a good rationale for purchasing. I went and bought one right off, and it changed my life. The P-Touch is the high-tech spawn of the old Dymo punch labellers — you remember, the spinning wheel of letters and the squeeze handle that embossed them on a piece of plastic tape. The new P-Touch labellers are much smoother — there’s a keyboard, and they’ll produce laminated labels with five lines of type, and several different fonts — and are capable of withstanding either freezer or microwave.

If you think I’m alone in my enthusiasm, hear what Allen has to say: “Thousands of executives and professionals and homemakers I have worked with now have their own automatic labellers, and my archives are full of their comments, like, ‘Incredible — I wouldn’t have believed what a difference it makes!’ The labeller will be used to label your file folders, binder spines, and numerous other things.”

Thousands of executives and professionals and homemakers, just like me. Labelling everything. The sugar bowl: SUGAR. The pantry: FOOD. The fridge: CLOSE DOOR. The toilet in the kids’ bathroom: FLUSH. It’s endlessly useful, as you can see.

The trouble is, I got just a bit involved in the technological side of my system and sort of forgot the productivity part. I realized this when I found myself in the den with a dirt rake, scooting all the file folders and computer boxes and software manuals into a spare closet. There, in the heap, lay the tiny Palm Vx, forlorn and unused. Rather than let a labelling opportunity slide, I got out the P-Touch and printed a label — DO WHAT? — and stuck it on the screen so I’d know, next time, just what kind of trouble I was making for myself.

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.

Categories
News News Feature

Getting Things Done

If you live in the suburbs long enough, sooner or later you realize that
you need to become productive. Get some chores done. Fix up the holes in the
den ceiling, clean the yard, repair the dishwasher, reupholster some
furniture. That sort of thing.

Recently, I looked at our house and decided that productivity was
definitely in order. The linoleum in the kitchen is worn through, the
appliances (in their original, auto-gag avocado green) are not working
properly, the dog has ruined the carpet in every room (at least once), the
roof needs replacing, the siding needs painting, and the storage room in the
garage is so full of old street-hockey sticks, skateboards, bicycles, and
gardening tools that you can’t even get the door open.

So I went and found a copy of Getting Things Done: The Art of
Stress-Free Productivity
by David Allen, who is dubbed “the personal
productivity guru” right there on the cover. The book is tremendously
popular with the business audience, but it’s also finding a surprising
following among those of us who have been slobs long enough and are intrigued
by this notion of productivity and relaxation all rolled into one.

Allen’s got a method which, he claims, will lead to productivity
in even the most stubborn sluggard. Basically, you just need a big box — or
file folder, or desk drawer — to serve as the repository for all your
fleeting ideas, plans, goals, and dreams. Just write them down and toss them
in.

Once a week or so you go through this repository and figure out
the steps you need to take to accomplish these items. If something takes two
minutes or less, you do it immediately. If it takes longer, you decide whether
to delegate it (make the kids do it), defer it (my standard modus operandi),
or toss it (my fallback M.O.).

If you don’t believe it’s this simple, Allen has a splendid Web
site — www.davidco.com — where you too can learn about setting up the
various calendars, notebooks, and file folders you’ll need to become
productive and relaxed.

For my part, folders weren’t enough. I went whole hog and
complicated the equation by purchasing a Palm Vx (which Allen actually
endorses). This ideal little organizer wasn’t sufficient, though, because I
soon needed to “sync” my Palm Vx to a Personal Information
Management program on my computer. This entailed buying a new computer
(Pentium IV, of course), a 17-inch LCD monitor, Klipsch THX-certified computer
speakers (300 watts, with a subwoofer!), and — well, let’s just say I’m wired
for action.

All the while, the ceiling remained unfixed, the bedrooms needed
painting, the dog needed his shots, the dishwasher still made its typical
belching noises, and the car still needed a brake job.

Then I happened upon the missing techno element: When I got to
page 93 of Allen’s book, I found that he advocates the use of a Brother P-
Touch labeller, a device which I have wanted for years but for which I could
never work up a good rationale for purchasing. I went and bought one right
off, and it changed my life. The P-Touch is the high-tech spawn of the old
Dymo punch labellers — you remember, the spinning wheel of letters and the
squeeze handle that embossed them on a piece of plastic tape. The new P-Touch
labellers are much smoother — there’s a keyboard, and they’ll produce
laminated labels with five lines of type, and several different fonts — and
are capable of withstanding either freezer or microwave.

If you think I’m alone in my enthusiasm, hear what Allen has to
say: “Thousands of executives and professionals and homemakers I have
worked with now have their own automatic labellers, and my archives are full
of their comments, like, ‘Incredible — I wouldn’t have believed what a
difference it makes!’ The labeller will be used to label your file folders,
binder spines, and numerous other things.”

Thousands of executives and professionals and homemakers, just
like me. Labelling everything. The sugar bowl: SUGAR. The pantry: FOOD. The
fridge: CLOSE DOOR. The toilet in the kids’ bathroom: FLUSH. It’s endlessly
useful, as you can see.

The trouble is, I got just a bit involved in the technological
side of my system and sort of forgot the productivity part. I realized this
when I found myself in the den with a dirt rake, scooting all the file folders
and computer boxes and software manuals into a spare closet. There, in the
heap, lay the tiny Palm Vx, forlorn and unused. Rather than let a labelling
opportunity slide, I got out the P-Touch and printed a label — DO WHAT? —
and stuck it on the screen so I’d know, next time, just what kind of trouble I
was making for myself.

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.

Categories
News News Feature

Wheel Tax

We begin, as usual, with a reading from Scripture, this time from the 3rd Chapter of St. Paul’s Second Letter to the Cleavers: And on the 8th day, after He was well rested, God created Sprawl, and out of Sprawl he brought forth leafy residential neighborhoods, copious shopping malls, and tastefully landscaped office campuses, and He named them Suburbia. And to ensure that adolescent sojourners in the Land that was named Suburbia would suffer no boredom, God mandated that all parents must purchase for their progeny an automobile to mark the occasion of the offspring’s 16th birthday. And lo, it has ever been thus.

And that, folks, is why suburban boys and girls seem so certain that it is, truly, a God-given birthright that they receive a car the day they turn 16.

And a driver’s license, of course, and insurance and an EXXON card and a license frame that reads “Yield to the Princess” (for girls) or “Ain’t Skeered” (for boys). And, along with all of this — needless to say — comes carte blanche permission to drive anyone anywhere anytime, with Gangsta-Alt-Metal-Country blasting as loud as the sound system will go.

There is, these days, great trepidation over the July 1st implementation of the Graduated Driver’s License, which will place restrictions on anyone under 18 who gets a license on or after that date. No more than one friend in the car. No driving after 11 p.m. Fascist stuff like that. Expect long lines at the driver testing station and record enrollment in driver’s ed classes this month, as the hordes of hopeful drivers make a dash to try and get their licenses before such odious restrictions go into effect.

Yet not all of us — myself included — think this is such odious or fascist stuff. We are parents who are glad to see our kids supervised in their driving, even if it means curtailing a bit of the God-given freedom our teenagers think they deserve.

And we have an advocate in our corner: Dr. Dale Wisely, a clinical psychologist who practices child, adolescent, and family therapy in Birmingham. Wisely, who lived in Memphis from 1978 to 1982 while receiving his M.S. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology at the University of Memphis, is the author and keeper of a wonderfully sane and thoroughly practical Web site — Parenting the Teenage Driver — which is found at http://www.parentingteendrivers.com.

Wisely also created The Chiff and Fipple, an Internet hub for those of us who are obsessive players of tinwhistles (see the last Burbland for shocking confessions on my part), and he keeps the Journal of the Home Gorilla Breeding Society of North Central Alabama, for those who are concerned with such problems as “remodeling homes to cccommodate in-home simian breeding activities.” He is, in other words, a man of great humor and taste.

Yet he lets us know, right up front, that he’s serious as can be when it comes to the business of teen drivers: “For most parents, nothing you will deal with as a parent will be more important, more life-and-death, than how your teenager uses — and misuses — a motor vehicle. What is at stake here is knowing that you have done all you can reasonably do to avoid burying your own child.”

To prove his point — as if it needed proving — Wisely presents a series of harrowing statistics: “Motor vehicle accidents (MVAs) are the leading cause of death in people age 16 to 20. MVAs account for about 1/3 of deaths of people in this age group. People age 16 to 20 have the highest fatality rate due to MVAs of any other age group. People age 16 to 20 make up only 5 percent of drivers and drive only 3 percent of all miles driven by all drivers. And yet they are involved in 15 percent of traffic deaths.”

And this, which I think is as telling as you need: “16-year-old drivers are 20 times as likely to have an MVA than the general population.”

There is, Wisely maintains, a sane way off of this skid pad: a driving contract. In it, parents and new drivers establish rules, guidelines, and consequences for earning the privilege — not the “right” — to drive a car. Negotiating the contract is tough going, Wisely warns. Many parents can expect epic whining or torrents of slick teenage rhetoric about how all their friends have cars and about how they’re the meanest, most strict parents on earth.

To which parents must be willing to stand firm. As Wisely keeps warning, this is hard work, but it’s definitely a situation in which the end justifies the means.

Best of all, Wisely’s site presents a sample contract that can stand as the basis for the family negotiations. You can use the online contract, or you can download a copy that you can edit to suit your needs.

Just make sure it’s agreed to, signed, and sealed before you start handing out car keys. That way, you stand a better chance of keeping your kids alive to whine another day.

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.

Categories
News News Feature

Credit Card Nation

Good evening, my name is Dave, and I’ll be your cultural stereotype for the evening. Suburban, white, male, married, two teenagers, a dog, two cars. And several credit cards, which makes me a thoroughly dangerous guy. I am the reason why service charges, interest, and late fees are so high. I am undermining the Puritan work ethic and helping usher in a new era of idleness, sloth, and wasted effort.

But I am, I swear, working very hard on becoming a deadbeat. More about this in a second.

The truth is that I’m not a dangerous guy. The banks only pretend I am. In fact, they love people like me. Using the media as handmaidens — along with their own massive marketing campaigns — consumer credit providers like to paint scary pictures of people who binge on credit and get overextended. It makes for good copy, and (more important) it allows the banks to justify the fees and rate increases that they charge in spite of their record profits in recent years.

The people whom the banks really can’t stand are the ones who pay their bills in full every month or who use no credit cards at all. The banks call them “deadbeats,” not because they don’t make their payments, but because they don’t get sucked into the quicksand of consumer debt.

All of this comes via Robert D. Manning, a senior fellow of the Institute for Higher Education Governance and Law at the University of Houston Law Center (try getting all that on a business card) and the author of Credit Card Nation: The Consequences of America’s Addiction to Credit, which is about as scary a book as you’ll read this year.

Manning writes that people like me — the ones who charge such luxuries as stereos, TVs, golf clubs, and vacations — are easy scapegoats. Reporters like to paint us as spendthrifts with no regard for the connection between work and consumption. We are idlers, living on the money saved by the prudent folks who know how to squeeze a dollar and buy a savings bond. Many of us even use credit cards for such items as groceries, medicine, doctor bills, school clothes, retirement costs — anything to preserve, in short, a standard of living that we’ve fought hard to achieve.

And we’re the lucky ones. The folks in lower socioeconomic brackets must resort to such devices as “payday loans,” often at more than 500 percent annual interest. For them, consumer credit can be as poisonous, as addictive, and as ruinous as crack.

I’m lucky not to have faced this sort of usury. Although I have binged, I have paid for it many times over. Someday, I might just learn my lesson.

Lately, though, I charged a whole mess of tinwhistles — Celtic wind instruments that come in all manner of sizes, keys, tones, and price ranges. I love them, and I became determined to play them, but I soon found that there just aren’t very many tinwhistle merchants in Memphis.

So I had to order them, and to do that, I had to use a credit card. In all, I spent more than a few hundred bucks on tinwhistles — the hand-crafted ones can get right expensive. The hell of it is that I still can’t play them, but I nevertheless get great pleasure from sitting out back in the evening and trying make music come out of them, even though it does upset dogs for miles around and summon bats to come roost in our trees.

Ever since this tinwhistle binge, my wife has changed the numbers on all the credit cards and keeps them in a secret location. She trusts me, I’m sure, but she’s not taking chances.

Now I can show her this book and let her know that my behavior is downright normal — or at least it’s not too weird — and that there are a whole slew of suburbanites out here just like me, only more so.

While Manning offers copious insights and a boatload of anecdotes and statistics to document the hows and whys of our addiction to credit, he doesn’t provide much in the way of solutions. So, lacking credentials — other than all the years I’ve spent slaving away to make monthly payments to credit card providers — I’ll do so for him. I’ll even invoke some wisdom from Will Rogers in the bargain, who said that the quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

The same goes for credit cards, only the trick is to fold them hard enough — back and forth — to break them in half. Go ahead. Be a deadbeat. Word has it that it feels something akin to freedom. Let me know if you manage to pull it off. I need to join you.

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.

Categories
News News Feature

The Night They Raided the Highland Strip

This story was first published in the April 1980 issue of Memphis magazine. It was re-published as part of the magazine’s 25th anniversary issue last month. After earning a master’s degree from the University of Memphis, David Dawson began freelancing for Memphis in 1980, then joined the staff in 1982. Dawson is presently vice president and executive editor at Towery Publishing and a regular columnist for the Flyer.

It was 9:37 on a Friday night, February 18, 1972. Outside, the cold pavement of Highland was bathed in pulsing blue light. There was a sudden silence about the place that was chilling and unreal.

Crazy Bill was standing easy now, inside the Cue Ball, watching the cops root around in the pockets of the pool tables. At first, everybody had been lined up with their hands on the wall. Crazy Bill had stood and felt the big drops of sweat roll down his ribs, his hands going numb on the wood paneling, his heart about to pound out of his chest. Crazy Bill was 21 and working on his first beard, and he had never seen anything like this. He had been a regular on the Highland Strip for over two years, which made him one of the originals, a real old-timer. He had been there when things were loud and super-cool and the place was happening every freaking night of the week. Some people had always stood like hedge preachers, warning everybody that The Bust was on its way. Crazy Bill had called them paranoid.

But here it was, happening live and in color right before his bloodshot eyes. Crazy Bill had gone into the Cue Ball that night searching for this soapy-looking chick with electric red hair that sprawled out around her face like last month’s Christmas wreath. She always wore a hazy photo-button of Baba Ram Dass, pinned just where your Grandmother would have worn her favorite cameo brooch. Crazy Bill knew who she was. He never knew her name or anything, but he knew she sold good stash.

His friends claimed that the magic had all left the Strip when the junkies and the runaways invaded the place last fall. The mood had become frenetic and anxious. There were suddenly a lot of “garbage heads” around — people who would swallow, inject, or smoke anything, in any amount, so long as they thought it would make rainbows dance on their eyelids and banshees scream in their ears. The garbage heads were depressing even to the Strip regulars, passing out the way they did in the most conspicuous places. Nobody wanted to put up with a bunch of habitual O.D.’s. Not to mention the people who were getting beaten up and left in the dark alleys that ran from the parking areas out to the street. The Strip had, in short, become a very unpleasant place to hang out.

But Crazy Bill had stayed, even though most of the other old-timers had cleared out like dead leaves on a cold autumn breeze. The Strip was his spot — it was where he felt at home. Crazy Bill had believed that things were going to get better when the warm weather came back again. He had faith in the place.

Now here he was, standing on the static-charged carpet of the Cue Ball, wondering just what was going to come down. He had only been in the pool hall for about five minutes, looking for the soapy-looking chick, when this tall dude with a distinct .38-caliber bulge in his jacket had come piling through the front door and announced in the voice of an Old Testament prophet, “Nobody is going to leave.” There had been some confusion at first as people began stuffing their stash down in the pockets at the corners of the pool tables, or dropping Baggies full of contraband onto the floor. Several people had somehow managed to kick at the big back door of the Cue Ball until the thing had fallen off its hinges, and they had gone out into the cold night air and run.

But for most of the 150 or so people inside there had been nothing else to do but stand up against the wall and keep their hands on the paneling and keep their mouths shut.

After about five minutes of the up-against-the-wall routine, the police let the suspects stand easy (“but keep them hands out of them pockets”) while they began going down the line checking I.D. cards against a list of names slapped onto a clipboard. For some, there was a quick search, a quick dig into pockets and socks. The TV lights were already blaring outside, and Crazy Bill could see a big fellow hoist a camera onto his shoulder.

And that was when he knew for sure that the Strip was about to become Big News for the fourth time. So while he stood there, waiting for the clipboard to make its way down the line to him, Crazy Bill got caught up in the glare of those TV lights, and he began to flash back to the old days, back before the newsmen had made the Strip their stomping ground, back when things were new and dangerous and exciting and it was all happening at the row of shops with the wide sidewalk out front down on South Highland Street.

From the time when people first started calling the small business district that runs along Highland between Mynders and Southern “The Strip” to the cold Friday night in February 1972, when the police busted the place, it had all been like three Chinese dragons chasing each other’s tails around in a circle: the merchants, the street people, and the police.

It was unclear just when it all began. The early development was slow and sporadic. In 1965 the Normal-Buntyn Shopping Center was just plain typical. It had a hardware store, a couple of grocery stores, a jewelry store, and a carpet showroom. There were two drugstores and two barber shops. In the middle of the row of shops, the Normal Tea Room offered genteel refreshment to lady shoppers. Across the street was a gas station and a bakery. All of it was pretty ordinary, fairly placid, and comfortably prosperous — just a nice convenient shopping center in the middle of a nice conservative residential area.

Then in 1968 two record stores — Pop-I’s and Highland Hits — opened their doors to the growing Memphis State student population. Within a year there were more businesses aimed at a young clientele — two pool halls, a couple of small restaurants, and several clothing stores.

By 1969, the Scene had started to roll. The merchants along the “Strip” (it had, by then, acquired its new name) could stick their heads out their front doors on a late afternoon and see little clots of longhairs dressed down to the hippest nines in elephant bell-bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts and headbands and army surplus jackets with holes carefully torn in them. And the merchants could, on calm days, catch little whiffs of patchouli oil and strawberry incense in the air as they heard the scuffing of bare feet moving past on the gritty sidewalk. At first the merchants were patient about the growing numbers of freaks — they remained concerned, but calm, throughout the winter of 1969-’70.

By the spring of 1970, though, the whole Scene got to be too much for them. Pop-I’s was drawing a sizable crowd almost every night of the week. With the warm weather had come a kind of semi-resident population of anywhere from 250 to 750 each night. And none of the merchants were naive about the fact that these street people weren’t just looking for a place to sit and listen to music, no sir. They were dealing drugs.

What was even worse for the merchants, though, was having to sit by and watch their customers disappear. To hell with Jimi Hendrix and Woodstock — they were losing business!

Most of the merchants (the youth-oriented ones included) got together in June 1970 to form the Normal Business Community Improvement Association, designed to pressure city officials into providing some protection for their livelihoods. They went to the police and requested help, and soon there was a pair of cops strolling up and down the Strip, joking with the regulars on the sidewalk, calling them by name, acting as much like high school principals as policemen. But they weren’t being foolish. They too knew about the prospering drug trade going on just behind their backs.

By the summer of 1970 drugs had become an all-important ingredient of Strip life. “It was a necessity to be heavily into the drug scene in order to exist on the Strip,” recalls one early member of the underground community on the Strip. “The Strip was an escape into all the forbidden pleasures I had been preached to about all my life. It was nirvana in the middle of the Bible Belt.”

Heroin was present on the Strip in 1970, but it was not popular. The drugs of choice were marijuana, LSD, mescaline, and various amphetamines. These drugs were readily available to anyone who did not actually wear a badge, but the drug trade remained hidden, just out of sight.

Toward autumn there were a lot of new faces on the Strip. One of these had a beard and was crowned by tousled brown hair and a floppy hat. Robert Lively — the Candyman — was beginning his tenure.

Lively was a narc. He passed himself off as a heroin addict with a lot of rich underworld friends willing to underwrite his rather large drug purchases. Lively pricked his arms with needles to leave tracks, and he taught himself how to fake taking drugs — no dealer would have trusted someone who bought large quantities of dope without at least sampling the stuff.

By the time Lively’s three-month “visit” to the Strip had ended, he had compiled enough evidence to arrest 17 persons on charges of sale and possession of narcotics. After these arrests in late 1970, the Strip was suddenly, for the first time, Big News, as the Highland area was singled out as the city’s major drug distribution center. This exposure would not, however, curb the flow of either drugs or people into the area. The Strip might have been Big News, but it was also the unofficial freehold of the city’s counter-culture, who were just beginning to test their wings.

Crazy Bill remembered the way that the paranoid people had overreached after the Candyman’s bust, running around with their brains out of fix, accusing everybody of being a narc. Things had remained low-key, but definitely suspicious, for months. The winter had passed in anxious, but unabated, drug trading.

Then, in the spring of 1971, the people had started coming back in droves. Drugs became more plentiful than ever, and they were sold openly on the sidewalk or inside one of the hangouts. There developed a kind of comradeship among the freaks that had been lacking all along. Crazy Bill remembered it as a time of freedom, a time of wide-eyed dreamers, when a person could sit in the lotus position on the hood of a car for six hours without moving or run up and down the sidewalk screaming at lampposts — dig it, do it. It was all cool on the Strip, because this was, for the street people, a different reality, their brave new world.

It was the beginning of utter desperation for the older merchants, though. A good many of them lost patience and moved out.

But others were quickly taking their places. Between 1970 and 1974 a whole host of new businesses popped up on the Strip, presumably to try to tap the buying power of the young freaks that gathered nightly. Boutiques like U.S. Male, Oz, Base Four, Just Jeans, Sexy Sadie and Sam, Grand Central Station, and the Jeanery opened on South Highland, as did restaurants like the Taj Mahal and The Cafe. Many did not even last a a year, while others continue to operate today. Between 1970 and the present, however, 14 out of the 20 businesses that occupied store space in the row of brick shops on the west side of the street have either moved, changed hands, or disappeared altogether. “How much business could you do,” asks Elliot Abel, who operated the Tobacco Corner at 553 South Highland, “when you had to go out to the alleys every morning and clean up last night’s O.D.’s so that cars could get through to your parking lot?” Abel has since relocated in East Memphis.

On June 19, 1971, the Strip became Big News for the second time, this time not for drugs, but for mob violence. The “Highland Riots” were getting started.

Crazy Bill remembered standing out in front of the U.S. Male, on the north end of the Strip. There were perhaps 1,000 people in the area, high and hanging loose, looking for their elusive nightly buzz. The air was warm and muggy and it hung about a person’s skin like smoke. Then, for some reason (Crazy Bill was too far away), the cops began to hassle somebody out in front of one of the clothing shops down the sidewalk. Here were the smiling cops, the walking patrol, suddenly acting like cops. The street people didn’t like it a bit.

The handcuffs came out and found their way around the wrists of a skinny-looking kid in a tank-top shirt and that was what started the yelling. A fellow named Chip came up with a cherry bomb, lit it, and tossed it into the crowd that had formed around the handcuffed kid, and that was when the brawl began.

Crazy Bill moved back, away from the 300 people who had gathered in the middle of Highland to throw rocks and beer bottles at the police. Squad cars wailed up, bringing reinforcements, and the freaks squared off against the growing line of police officers in what was beginning to look, to Crazy Bill, like a very crazy sort of pitched battle over not much of anything at all. After the police had amassed sufficient numbers to feel secure, the nightsticks began to swing, and the smell of Mace filled the humid air.

The “Highland Riots” resulted in 29 arrests. One participant was bound over to the grand jury on charges of inciting to riot. And now, instead of a couple of pairs of cops assigned to stroll along and placate the merchants and the area residents, the police cracked down: 22 walking patrolmen and 12 patrol cars were assigned to control an area barely as large as Court Square.

As the summer trudged toward the dog days, the tensions faded a little, but the stalemate continued. The street people were determined to stay without being intimidated. The older merchants were desperately determined to get rid of the hippies before they were forced to move out of the area. And the police were still wondering what they could do, short of a cavalry charge, to clear the situation up.

Throughout the summer of 1971 the drugs continued to flow, the freaks remained contentedly stoned, and the loud music continued to blare over the heads of those who gathered each night on the Strip to ensure that the territory would remain theirs. That summer, there was freedom for the taking up on Highland. The strip was peaking.

The large numbers of police lasted only a few weeks, until it became apparent that the majority of the Strip regulars were not interested in making the kind of trouble that had happened in June. A few walking patrolmen were left behind, but as summer turned to fall, these policemen were withdrawn as well.

The four main hangouts on the Strip — Pop-I’s, a long record shop lined with pinball machines where loud music soared over the heads of those stuffed inside; the Cafe, a bistro serving beer and food, offering the smokiest restroom in town; the Corner Pocket, a pool hall across the street, where the heroin dealers set up their trade; and the Cue Ball, another pool hall, where people used the dark game room as a kind of opium den — continued to thrive into the cool months of October and November. But now, becoming more noticeable each day, there was something new and ugly going on, something which would, in a few short months, force the Police Department’s hand.

The amount of heroin that was dealt on the Strip is unknown. And, consequently, the number of genuine heroin addicts among the strip regulars has probably been exaggerated. But it is clear that during the late summer and fall of 1971 heroin and other hard drugs like dilaudid, seconal, tuinal, and codeine became popular. The riots and the ensuing revolutionary atmosphere had attracted a new sort of regular to the Strip. The old-timers were, gradually, clearing out. The old magic was fading away. The junkies were moving in.

Along with the hard drugs came violence — freaks beating on freaks — and the old comradeship became as trash blowing down the gutter beside the wide sidewalk. The new sort of Strip regular looked more like a yellow fever victim than a hedonistic flower child. Crazy Bill could remember them lining the sidewalk, their greasy hair hanging matted onto dirty collars, a kind of mean and hungry hollowness, their palms extended to any and every passerby, “Spare change?” their continual drone. “It wasn’t even safe to walk around up there,” one of the hippie-types remembers. “People had gotten themselves so dependent on hard drugs, and when the prices went up, they’d get violent with you. People would just walk up and grab you and start stealing things. That was when I got out.”

Crazy Bill stayed on, though, his feelings for the Strip resembling one’s feelings for a worthless old dog that barks at friends and sheds all over the house and tries to eat all the new furniture, but who once was a best friend. The Strip had been Crazy Bill’s life for almost two years. He was a fixture around the place. Sure, the air was charged with a kind of electric survival anxiety. But that would pass. All things had to pass.

Had Crazy Bill been just a little bit more attentive, he might have noticed that not all of the new faces on the Strip that fall belonged to either out-of-towners or junkies. Since October 1971, the newly formed Metro Narcotics Squad had been placing undercover narcs on the Strip. Lots of them. “Operation Strip” was off and rolling.

When the Strip became Big News for the third time, it was almost anticlimactic. The regulars, the old-timers, the ones who would have reacted to such big news, were just about all gone, now hanging out around Cooper and Union, at Overton Square, or in Overton Park. The Highland Scene, the old one anyway, had transplanted itself to half a dozen locations around town.

But for the citizens of Memphis, the third Big News was dramatic and spectacular, the biggest yet. On January 16, 17, and 18, 1972, a series of three feature articles ran in The Commercial Appeal. A reporter, Leon Munday, detailed the ease with which he purchased 11 different drugs in the Cue Ball on three successive nights.

The drugs Munday purchased ranged from heroin to LSD to PCP (angel dust, today) to the old standby, marijuana. People around town seemed to be shocked, not so much by the types of drugs as their availability. City administrators responded guardedly. On January 18th, Mayor Wyeth Chandler, facing one of the first major problems of his administration, announced to the city council that steps were being taken to “clear up the situation” described by Munday.

Meanwhile, instead of toning things down in the face of the latest big news, the street people, the new Strip regulars, seemed determined to ignore the publicity. On January 16th, a man from New Orleans overdosed on PCP in the bathroom of The Cafe, and had to be coaxed out so that he could be carted off in an ambulance. Marijuana was smoked openly, as if to taunt the reporters who were making the Strip their temporary stomping ground.

Then there was a month’s respite from the big news syndrome. The reporters and the TV cameras all disappeared. It was the calm before the storm.

Between October 1971 and February 1972 the Metro Narcotics agents on the Strip had made over 230 documented drug purchases. On February 18th, around 9 p.m., 60 police officers piled into 25 cars and made their way — all according to a very strict schedule — to the Highland area. They were armed with felony indictments handed down earlier that week by the Shelby County Grand Jury against 54 persons who made two or more sales to the undercover agents.

At precisely 9:25, police cars were parked sideways across Highland at Midland and Southern, sealing off all traffic. With military exactness, the entrances to the Cue Ball, Pop-I’s, The Cafe, and the Corner Pocket were sealed at the stroke of 9:30. Operation Strip was running right on schedule. The planning had been extensive, the preparations long, and the execution perfect. Almost.

A big meaty finger jammed into Crazy Bill’s ribs and startled him out of his daze. “Show some identification,” the cop said. He seemed bored, eager to get the whole thing over with. Crazy Bill showed him his driver’s license, which was checked against a list of names on a clipboard. Then there was a quick search, and the whole thing was over. The cop told Crazy Bill to relax, then he moved on down the line. Crazy Bill tried to light a cigarette, but the whole thing became a wad of tobacco and paper in his trembling, sweaty palms.

Just then, the police led the soapy-looking chick with the Baba Ram Dass button past him, her hands cuffed behind her back. She was no longer crying; instead, her face was red with anger and defiance. “Narcs!” she sneered at Crazy Bill and the others lined up around him. As she reached the door, a blinding flash from a press camera exploded in her face.

By 10 o’clock all the searching in the Cue Ball was over, and the newsmen were allowed to come in. After they knew that they were not going to be arrested, the street people let their fear turn to rage, and they lashed out at the newsmen, cussing at them, then turning their heads away from the cameras.

Despite the meticulous timing and the weeks of preparation, Operation Strip did not work out quite the way police officials had hoped. Only four of the 54 indicted persons were nabbed during this raid. Thirteen more adults and 16 juveniles were arrested on charges ranging from sale and possession of drugs to disorderly conduct in threatening a TV cameraman. But as far as significant arrests went, the bust was a bit of a flop.

In terms of “clearing up” the problem on the Strip, however, the Bust was a huge success. The Strip was, suddenly, a very uncool place to be. Within a few weeks the Metro Narcotics officers had arrested 45 of the 54 indicted persons, many of them at their homes, three of them in jail on other charges, and one while wandering past the Metro Narcotics office downtown. The arrests, though, were almost superfluous — the Strip had become about as exciting as a petrified ghost town.

Crazy Bill did not feel any hatred toward the police. For two years, he had known that the Strip was probably in for a bust someday. He had seen the magic fade to the sound of junkies trying to hustle enough money for their daily fix, and he had known, somewhere deep inside, that the halcyon days of the acid-head sidewalk jockeys were never going to come back.

Today Pop-I’s is gone, fiberglass insulation taped up over its windows. The Cue Ball is now the Highland Cue, and you can still shoot pool there. The Cafe is now the Bull Shotte. The Corner Pocket has been a Goodwill Store for years. Business on the Strip is pretty good again, report the merchants.

Few people regret the disappearance of the Highland Scene. Even the old-timers among the freaks seemed to realize that the dream had become a kind of broken nightmare that wanted to recur at nightly intervals. The Strip had become a far different place in February 1972 than it had been two years, or even eight months, earlier.

Crazy Bill lives in Arizona now. Whenever he comes back to Memphis to visit his parents, he drives over to Highland and slows down when he reaches the row of brick shops, so foreign to him now, and he tries, just for a couple of minutes, to remember it all. He tries to bring back the feeling that he once had of being part of something big and dangerous and exciting and altogether worth-while. Then, after the memories and the feelings have washed completely through him, Crazy Bill drives on over the railroad tracks and leaves the old wide sidewalk to forget itself according to its own time.

Categories
News News Feature

Fast Food

If you live in the suburbs long enough, you’re going to regret eating fast
food.

No, I’m not talking about those times when you inhaled a quick
burger at 10 p.m. and then had your cramping stomach wake you about six hours
later and force you to make an ape-like dash toward the commode.

I’m not even talking about how your teenaged daughter affirms
that certain of her male friends really do whiz in the lemonade when they get
really hacked off at management for, like, making them mop up and all, you
know?

No. The regret I’m talking about is altogether more profound.
This regret will slap you in the face when you read Fast Food Nation, a
recent bestseller by Eric Schlosser, a correspondent for The Atlantic
Monthly
, and a book that will not merely activate your gag reflex but will
inform you of the ways our cultural worship of expedience and haste has
frazzled our souls and endangered our well-being.

Subtitled “The Dark Side of the All-American Meal,” you
pretty much know what you’re letting yourself in for when you crack Fast
Food Nation
‘s covers. The book is divided into two main sections, the
first of which details the etiology of the fast-food epidemic. More on this in
a moment.

By far more intense, though, is the second section of the book.
It’s the section that examines …

Unfortunately I can’t tell you what it examines, because I
couldn’t read beyond page 150 or so, where Schlosser starts looking at just
how the food is grown, processed, prepared, and distributed.

Artificial flavorings, megatons of potatoes, grease, cows, pigs,
chickens, growth hormones, slaughterhouses. Oh, my God, the slaughterhouses.
Schlosser goes behind the doors at one modern “meat processing
plant” and describes the efficiency with which animals are dispatched and
transformed into food. This productivity is echoed in the job titles along the
processing line: Knocker, Sticker, Shackler, Rumper, First-Legger, Knuckle-
Dropper, Navel-Boner, Feed Kill Chain.

It gets worse. I’m not talking about rumored ingredients like cow
nostrils or pig scrotums that are purported to be in modern fast food. I’m
talking about little killers like E. coli and salmonella, to name just
a couple of the microorganisms that are widely spread by high-volume meat
processing. Schlosser devotes a whole chapter to these pathogens, noting that
“the federal government has the legal authority to recall a defective
toaster oven or stuffed animal — but still lacks the power to recall tons of
contaminated, potentially lethal meat.”

As a die-hard suburbanite, I have an obligation to eat fast food.
It’s in my blood, literally, floating around in there on glops of cholesterol.
True, fast food is ubiquitous as all get-out, but it’s still a suburban
stepchild, and those of us who live in Burbland share a common ancestry and a
spiritual kinship with all foods and beverages that are bestowed upon us via a
transaction at a drive-thru window.

And I’m mighty grateful to Schlosser for helping to define this
bond, for tracing the development of the fast-food phenomenon, which he does
admirably in Part One, the section of the book that I actually could read
without my face turning the color of guacamole.

Here, Schlosser covers the beginnings of fast food, and notes
that the postwar “car culture” of the late 1940s gave rise to fast-
food franchises like McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, Kentucky
Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut — the whole mess of them. This nascent car culture,
spurred by Eisenhower’s development of the interstate highway system, led also
to suburbia, motels, malls, smog, and all manner of other modern afflictions.
A perfect synergy was thus established: We now had a culture with no time to
stop and eat, fed by an industry that practically required that its customers
eat without stopping.

Fast Food Nation looks at the industry’s transient work
force, most of it made up of teenagers or minorities who work for minimum wage
or less. And the author addresses “branding” and marketing schemes
that begin catering to customers barely old enough to chew solid food.

But Schlosser’s main contribution is to point out the many ways
that fast-food culture has become American culture — and vice versa. As a
logical extension of fast food’s marketing prowess, Schlosser suggests that
spreading the gospel of fast food around the world has almost single-handedly
created what we have come to call “globalization.”

As Schlosser is quick to remind us, we are indeed what we eat.
I’d like to add that we are also, to a large extent, what we read. Give
Fast Food Nation a thorough scan, but please remember what I said at
the beginning: You will regret it.

Now, somebody please pass me that squeezy thing of ketchup, will
you?

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.

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Feelin’ Gouda

If you live in the suburbs long enough, chances are good that you will be required to read Who Moved My Cheese?, the latest best-seller by Spencer Johnson, M.D.

The reason? Life in these subdivided cul-de-sacs gets a bit pricey now and then, and sooner or later you realize that you’re going to have to work at a real job if you want to sustain your lifestyle. And that means it’s almost a sure bet that you will be forced to read this latest example of managerial smarts.

Subtitled “An A-Mazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life,” the book has become almost as much a part of the modern workplace as cubicles and e-mail. In just under two years, it has sold more than 3 million copies, and it’s been on bestseller lists ever since it was published. Cheese? is so popular that it’s spawned a whole line of ancillary products like curriculum guides, golf shirts, sticky notes, calendars, and coffee mugs.

To appreciate why your employer will want you to read this book, a GRATUITOUS SPOILER is in order.

Cheese? takes place in a vast maze of “corridors and chambers,” where four creatures spend their days running around “looking for cheese to nourish them and make them happy.” Sniff and Scurry are mice. Hem and Haw are “littlepeople,” prone to over-analyzing and procrastinating.

One day the cheese disappears from the cubicle where the four creatures hang out. The mice follow their superior instincts and leave immediately to find “New Cheese.” The littlepeople, Hem and Haw, sit around acting like humans, bitching and whining and feeling sorry for themselves. One eventually does get hungry enough to venture out into the maze to find his own New Cheese.

During this ordeal, Hem and Haw believe they have discovered some truths worth remembering, so they write them on the walls of the maze. These become “The Handwriting on the Wall.” Among them: “Change Happens,” “Anticipate Change,” and, “Smell the Cheese Often So You Know When It Is Getting Old.”

And that’s it. Twenty bucks a copy. Millions sold. Sticky notes and golf shirts. Why, you may join me in wondering, is this book such a hit in today’s power corridors and human resources laboratories?

Two immediate answers emerge. The first is innocuous enough: Companies have bought into yet another management fad, along the lines of Total Quality Management. There’s nothing inherently wrong with such fads, insofar as they keep bosses diverted from real mischief, like doing actual work.

The other reason, though, is a bit more ominous.

It seems that employers have begun to use this book as a kind of out-placement tool to help ease the trauma for unfortunate employees who are in the process of being fired, downsized, reallocated, forced into early retirement, laid off, demoted, transferred, reassigned, or otherwise screwed around with. You get to work one fine morning, find a copy of Cheese? on your desk, and you know immediately that the boss has just served you your own ass.

And I just don’t get it. You take this simple parable — which is, after all, about as complex as a Raffi song — with its message about how we all need to accept the inevitability of change and plan for the vicissitudes of the future, and you turn it into some sort of malevolent tool to convince workaday shmoes that something is wrong with them if they don’t kowtow to the belief that their jobs are inherently and permanently insecure. Or, worse, you turn this fable into a kind of hard-cover meat hook and use it to decimate the work force whenever the bottom line starts to wobble. Nope, makes no sense to me.

To say, however, that I don’t understand the phenomenon of Cheese? may not be saying a lot. There are lots of things I don’t understand. Among them:

Why do rainbows always appear in pairs?

Why does a sharp grounder to the shortstop always result in a close play at first?

How do flush toilets operate?

Ditto on planes?

Or, why we don’t all commit to memory the closing stanza to E.E. Cummings’ poem “you shall above all things be glad and young,” which goes: “I’d rather learn from one bird how to sing/than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.”

But here’s one thing I know I understand: If anyone ever wantonly refers to me as a “littleperson,” or if they ask me to comprehend my daily predicament by comparing my life to an endless maze, I say forget finding New Cheese, because I’m going straight over the nearest wall to have words with whoever invented this weird little nightmare.

You can e-mail David Dawson at letters@memphisflyer.com.