Author: Edward Valibus

• Check yourself vs. Wreck yourself

Sources say that 32 year old midtowner and major putz, Doug Agrave, has been completely and rightfully disowned by friends, loved-ones, and society as a whole in the metro area for ordering a beer that did not originate within Memphis.

“It was so unsettling”, says former acquaintance Madison Cooper. “We thought he was kidding at first when he ordered a Budweiser but he never gave us that ‘gotcha’ moment. Even the waitress was caught off guard. I mean, what kind of monster have we been hanging out with this whole time?”

The repulsive incident took place last week when Doug and some friends watched a game at a midtown pub that carries a wide selection of delicious, locally crafted beers. When it came time to order a crisp, refreshing 901 born and bred beer, Doug, in an inexplicable act of insanity, purposefully requested a mainstream, highly recognized, national name brand can of piss.

“I just panicked and went with what I used to do” confessed the imbecile-like fool now known universally as “Dumbass Doug”, and who was not allowed to make eye contact with anyone during this interview. “To be honest, it’s hard to keep track, one time I ordered a Cotton Bomb thinking that was a thing from around here and the bartender told me to leave and never come back.”

Since the sickening faux-pas, friends of Doug have decided it is best to discontinue their friendship with the slack-jawed failure until he “comes to his fucking senses.” Doug has also been contacted by his employer who says they will have a “serious talk” about his off-work lifestyle decisions.

Doug’s recent engagement may also be in jeopardy due to his chowderheaded actions. “Vickie moved out saying she needs to collect her thoughts,” confessed Mr. Loser Who Needs a Slap Upside His Fugly Face, “I’m a bit worried since I saw her signature on petition.org that demands I wear a Budweiser label on my forehead for life.”

The petition has over 13,000 signatures and is increasing daily to properly punish this no-good excuse for a living waste of space. Doug’s fiancé Vickie is now reportedly living with a real man who can appreciate having over four local brands that offer their tantalizing beverages in cans, bottles, and even growlers, something that Doug probably doesn’t even knows exists.

Doug has since given up alcohol altogether in hopes the debacle will blow over. However, expectations for redemption are considered very low by this reporter after witnessing that sack of useless flesh tell an out-of-town couple looking for a good dessert place to go to Baskin-Robbins when Muddy’s and Yolo are just right around the goddamn corner.

Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall

• E2.0

Citing a need for a fresh look to attract a new generation of fans, Memphis politicians, tourism advisors, and representatives of Elvis Presley unveiled today at a press conference Elvis 2.0, an updated image of “The King of Rock and Roll, Hip-Hop, and Alternative Style Electronica.”

“It was getting a little stale making a guy nearly 80 years old look cool to the newer generations,” said Mandy Nerve, the lead designer of the updated Elvis. “This new Elvis is hip and totally rad to the core for newer generations to enjoy!”

“This ain’t your grandma’s Elvis!’ proclaimed tourism director, Rider Kotetale, as he revealed a portrait of the new Elvis 2.0 riding a skateboard while eating his favorite snack, a slice of banana and peanut butter pizza.

Elvis 2.0, is also accompanied by some new supporting characters like DJ Pink, a sassy talking, techno-loving, pink Cadillac, and his manager, Colonel Porker, a high-strung pig that tries his best to keep the over-the-top King in line the best he can.

Elvis 2.0’s catchphrase is also updated to “Thanx!, Thanx Totes, LOL!”

The team hopes to produce a cartoon series, new line of movies directed by Michael Bay, and also a toy-line. A breakfast cereal called “Tupel-Os” will be hitting shelves in a few weeks as well.

Dubstep remixes of Elvis 2.0 songs are now available for download exclusively on iTunes.

Kotetale ended the press conference exclaiming “Elvis 2.0! The building. We Out!” before dropping the mic, causing severe feedback for several minutes.

Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall

• Lykraalith the Plague-Bringer announces his company’s imminent relocation to the site of Overton Square’s old French Quarter Inn

Midtown — Business owners along Madison Avenue expressed concern as an inter-dimensional portal to The Ninth Level of Xibalba, an underworld of eternal damnation and chaos, erupted along the Madison Avenue bicycle lane today, spewing forth hell-demons and the resurrection of Lykraalith, god of destruction.

“I told ya’ll didn’t I?” quipped Dee Bunker, a bar owner on Madison and staunch opponent of the bicycle lanes. “I knew it was fishy how they pushed this on us and when they came to re-stripe the roads and started to bury crystal skulls in front of my bar, I knew they were up to no good.”

Ms. Bunker is one of many who tried to prevent the installation of the bike lanes but eventually caved due to the overwhelming support for a more bicycle and pedestrian friendly area. “I can say goodbye to my property value now. Who’s gonna come grab a drink when there’s a 900 pound Three-Headed Dog sleeping in front of my place?” exclaimed Ms. Bunker. She then attempted to shoo away the beast but was unfortunately engulfed and devoured by swarms of thousands upon thousands of Fire Spiders.

City of Memphis representative Red Taype released the following statement today at a press conference:

“We all knew there would be some bumps in the road getting bicycle lanes to become a popular addition to our thriving city. Whether it is enacting traffic laws, increasing awareness of greener transportation options, or bringing forth the end times through enchanted seances and summoning our true overlord of evil, Lykraalith, King of Vile and Death, cursed be the unbelievers’ souls, may He rule us mortal servants for eternity.”

City Councilman Phil Landers unveiled a bill today that would return Lykraalith and his minions back to their underworld home but it would require a taxation and licensing fee for all cyclists in Memphis and Shelby County for a thousand millenia. It is predicted that the bill does not have the support needed in the council to pass at this time.

However, not everyone sees the negative side to the impending demonic doom. Rex Carrs, an avid cyclist and long-time Memphian, likes the new look for Madison Avenue.
“I tell you what,” he says proudly. “Overton Square is really starting to look more and more like it did in its heyday.”

Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall

• Cozy? Cramped is more like it.

Drowning his sorrows over a to-go order of BBQ Nachos, John Arlington, 32 of Downtown Memphis, sighed profusely as he described the problematic first-time visit to Memphis by his parents, Stan and Sharon Arlington of Flagstaff, Arizona.

“I had the agenda set in stone,” said John showing a Google map on his sauce-smeared iPad with pinpoints of BBQ destinations. “They were going to have a tour de force of the finest BBQ ever made. Cozy Corner, Payne’s, Central, I thought they’d love it. Boy, was I wrong.”

John’s culinary plans first hit a bump in the road during his parents initial arrival Friday afternoon. “They pulled up to the house and my dad gets out of the car holding a bag from Burger King” He explained. “Then dad goes on and on about how tasty the Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich was. I was like are you fucking serious?”

It only went downhill from there. After complaints of the appearance and “cultural surroundings” as Sharon Arlington put it, many BBQ restaurants were vetoed by John’s parents in lieu of suggestions like P.F. Chang’s, Applebee’s, or “maybe a nice looking Shoney’s.”

Dinner the previous evening was eventually decided to be a Memphis BBQ Chicken Pizza delivered by Domino’s since Sharon had a coupon that was about to expire.

“John tried taking us to all these crazy places,” said Stan Arlington. “Randy’s Cue I think was the name of it, was in some spooky alleyway downtown, and Sharon almost got hit by a bicycler in front of the BBQ Shop place.”

“I liked the ones with the drive-thru like the Porky’s on Popular Street [sic],” noted Sharon Arlington. “It’s so much easier but the sandwiches are just way too big. I usually just eat half a McRib. You should do a story on that so people know when they are for sale again.”

“Never again,” expressed John as he tried to repair his damaged passenger door lock on his car from what he says was due to excessive use by his mother during the visit. His parents then asked if he wanted one of their Swanson Hungry Man Riblet Dinners they were preparing, causing John to dash off in a huff.

“Ever try this stuff? It’s pretty darn good,” claimed Stan.

Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall

• Where the hell is Ripley?

Midtown— A group of staunch locavores have started a boycott of the Cooper-Young Farmers Market due to a recent discovery that some of the “local” produce not only originates from outside Midtown, it also comes from outside the Memphis City Limit, Shelby County, and beyond.

“We’ve been tricked this whole time thinking we’re eating true local produce,” says Goldie Locke, a 54-year-old Midtown resident and regular farmers market patron. “When they said the tomatoes I’ve been buying came from Fayette County, I almost threw up right then and there.”

The issue has lead to a new movement from Midtown consumers demanding a specialized “38104 label” be applied to produce and foods that have originated from the area.

“My husband and I were eating a steak we thought was locally grown,” Locke continued. “And I asked if he’d ever even seen a cow in our part of town.

“That’s what got us wondering,” she said with a trembling voice as a group of vegan onlookers grimaced behind her.

A representative of the farmers market, who wished to remain anonymous, went on record saying it is difficult to keep track of a product’s origin. “We did have a ‘901’ label a few years ago that was successful but then The Southaven Squash Scandal of 2011 kinda ruined that.”

Farmer and life-long Midtowner, Moe Santo, likes the idea of local labeling. “We’re always having to chase off these rascals from Mississippi, Arkansas, and those fancy-pants Eastern-ers. Go sell your got-dang melons at the truck stop and leave us alone!” Mr. Santo then grabbed a rake and shoo-ed away an SUV with a Germantown Red Devils bumper sticker on it that was attempting to pull into the parking lot.

As of this report, the only “38104 label” approved items for sale at the farmers market were a one pound bag of okra, a small bundle of catnip, and 3000 handmade candles.

Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall