Author: Jack Waggon

Dear Jack,

Worried Sick Mom

Dear Mom,

Fourth grade was the worst. We started out with a great teacher, but she was very pregnant and left in the first month. The nun who replaced her walked in the door with her hair pulled back in a celise, an crucifix made of staples and nails clutched in her claw. She wore a metal ruler in a scabbard on her right hip, which she drew like a Roman centurion. Sister Anne pretty much ruined me as a student. I still made decent grades in order to avoid the weekly edification, but I definitely flew on autopilot until the day I climbed the razor wire and fled that coop.

Anything could be going on here. He could the victim of bullying. His tough-guy shtick might be a cover for his fear. Question him about it. Let him know it’s okay, it’s not his fault. If he won’t talk to you, get him to talk to someone. Ask his teacher. If you suspect it’s happening, tell him you want to help make it stop in a way that won’t look like his mom is protecting him. To a fourth-grade boy, running to Mommy is almost worse than the bullying.

He might have fallen in with a bunch of fourth-grade hipsters. Let him invite his friends over, so you can see who he’s hanging out with. If they are too cool for school, point out how negative they are, and how their negativity is only going to make his life more miserable than it already is. Watch out for gangs. Yeah, even in fourth grade.

He might honestly be bored stiff. Every parent thinks their kid is brilliant, but let’s be honest, being bored in school is not necessarily a symptom of hidden genius. Either way, you need to find ways to fill up his day. Get him involved in things – sports, arts, music, dance, or my personal favorite, the martial arts.

Getting him involved will help with the other possible issues, as well. Activities create well-rounded, confident and assured children who are less likely to be bullied. Activities surround kids without other positive, goal-oriented kids, among whom he will hopefully make friends. Sure, filling up his day with soccer, taekwondo, and filmmaking classes also fills up your day, but that’s too bad. You only get one shot at this, because he won’t be nine forever.

However, I suspect is your issue here is that he’s a typical fourth-grader. When you’re in fourth grade, everything does suck. You’re nine years old, going on 14, you already know everything you’re ever going to need to know, and you’re smarter than just about everybody you meet. Patience and understanding are in order, but no coddling. Precocious fourth graders turn into unmanageable teenagers faster than you can say eyebrow piercing. Again, the best solution is getting him involved in something.

Got a problem? Let Jack Waggon set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

Deep in Debt

Dear Debtor,

Dad already knows exactly what he’s done. That’s why he gave her the loan in the first place. It’s called control. He couldn’t stop her from running off and getting married, so he found another way to control his daughter. He couldn’t care less about the money. All he cares about is knowing that she dare not piss him off. You could refuse to pay him back and let him try to sue you, but I doubt your wife would ever agree to that.

So he’s a bastard. But he couldn’t control her (and you) if you didn’t let him. You say that if you had had a regular student loan, it would have already been paid off. So why haven’t you paid off this loan? Is the interest rate that high? Or have you only been paying what you could comfortably afford, when you paid at all?

I bet dear old Dad never complains, he just sends you an occasional reminder of how much you owe, and that number never seems to get any smaller, does it? The longer he can drag out this loan, the longer he gets to control his daughter. He’s just like a credit card company. Easy money whenever you need it, and a lifetime paying it back. The more in debt you are, the more you need that card, and him.

If you want out from under his thumb, confronting him isn’t going to help. You have to stop taking his money. You have to pay the maximum, every month, until it’s paid off. That means you have to get rid of whatever other credit cards you have, too. No more credit, anywhere, from anyone, until your debts are repaid. It’s scary as hell, I know. I’ve been bankrupt half a dozen times, thanks to my wives and their lawyers. It means years of ramen noodles for dinner and broadcast television for entertainment. But when you’re free of his debt, then you’ll be free to decide whether or not you still want the bastard in your life.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

Dear Jack,

Desperately Seeking Someone

Dear Desperado,

It’s lonely out there riding those fences, ain’t it, partner?

How did I meet my wife? Which one? The question is, how am I going to meet the next one?

The same way I met the first four (or is it five?) — it just happens. The best ones just happen. You never find what you’re looking for, but what you’re looking for sometimes finds you. It’s a Zen thing. The more desperately you reach for it, the quicker it slips from your grasp.

You need to let go. Throw away that list and just live your life. Be open to any possibility. Don’t look for someone with the same interests. Where’s the fun in that? If you go around trying to find someone just like you, you might as well date your hand.

Surfer Dude says, the sea of life is bigger and stronger than you, and all you can hope to do is pick your wave and ride it. But just like a wave, you’ve only got a moment to decide if it’s the gnarliest. You have to seize the moment — carpe diem, baby. You have to be willing to take a chance, the make the best of the wave while it lasts. There have probably been a dozen women in your life over the years that you let slip by while you weighed the pros and cons and looked around to see if there was a better one on the horizon.

You’ve been trying to control every aspect of finding the perfect mate, but I’ve got news for you: There are no perfect mates, and you can’t control anything except yourself. So allow yourself the freedom to make an emotional train wreck of your life. You sound like the kind of guy who has never taken a chance in his life. And that is why you’re still alone.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon can set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

Pins and Needles

Dear Pin Cushion,

You say your boyfriend has a back specialist? That must mean he has back problems, too, but of course his pain is real while yours is all in your mind, right? You should do whatever makes you feel better, and tell your boyfriend to get off your back.

Wondering What to Do

Dear Wondering,

Doing more research is his excuse not to start doing something. The longer that goes on, the harder it will be to get started if he ever makes a decision. My guess is he’s shy and self-conscious about his body. It’s been a while since I went to a fitness club, but most of those classes are filled with women. Maybe he feels those exercises are too girly. It could be he’s looking for something where there are more men involved. But of course, when he does find that manly fitness class, it will be filled with buff dudes strutting around flexing their muscles and making the fat boys feel like junior high turds.

I suggest finding something you can do as a couple. Maybe at first that’s just walking around the block a couple of times every night. The most important thing is to stick to it, no matter what he decides to do. Home fitness takes tremendous willpower. It’s too easy to skip a day. One day becomes two, two becomes a week, and before you know it you’re starting all over again. At that point most people give up and sell the rowing machine in the garage sale. That’s why I recommend taking a class.

He might give the martial arts try. They are a wonderfully manly activity, and when you first start out, you are usually in class with other people who are also just starting out. All the fat boys will be together. You can help motivate him to stick to it by taking the class together. It wouldn’t hurt you to learn to kick some ass, too.

Unfortunate Son

Dear Whipping Boy,

Pain changes people. Your father is probably scared to death by what he has gone through and his inability to easily bounce back from injury, maybe for the first time in his life. He feels helpless, so he lashes out. Your brother and sister feel helpless to help him, so they lash out. All these blows land on you. You must bear them.

You’re going to have to be the grownup in the family now. Are you over the age of eighteen? Then he can’t order you from his room. Step number one to resolving this situation is to stop letting your dad and your older siblings push you around.

You have to be strong for your father. Do you have kids? Right now, your Dad is your child. He’s your responsibility and you have to be the one who makes him do what is good for him, no matter how much he whines or cries or complains. You can help ease his acceptance of your dominance (to be perfectly blunt) by making sure the grass gets cut and the garden weeded. The next time your sister calls, tell her, fine, come on home – the yard needs mowing.

At the same time, you can’t treat your dad like a child, because that’s what he wants. He’s hurting and he wants someone to make it go away. That’s why he wants to go home, to the place where he’s always felt safe and in control. He’s not in control in the hospital. He’s scared, and he’ll do whatever it takes to escape. The lashing out is not personal. He’s just human.

Finally, he needs a good talking to, almost an intervention. I’d try to get the help of one or two of his friends, maybe his pastor or priest, and his doctor and nurses. This intervention absolutely must be led by you – the friends, doctors, and priests are there for backup. Let it be known that he can go home when his doctor says he is ready, and not one day sooner. That means weeks of painful physical therapy, but his doctor can help him manage the pain. If he does the work, he’ll get to go home, but if he doesn’t, if he stays in that bed, he may never get out of it.

With physical therapy, he will start to regain control of his body and his situation. He’ll feel strong again, master of his own destiny. He’ll have something to work toward, a goal to motivate him. This will restore his confidence and ease his fears. In time, you’ll see him transform back into the man you used to know.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

Dear Jack,

About seven weeks ago, I lost my job of sixteen years. Sixteen years of dedication and loyalty and service and support. Sixteen years of doing the right thing without having to be told to, working late hours while my family sat at home waiting for me, and always going the extra mile for the company. Gone. Worthless in today’s economy. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

I’ve been unemployed ever since. It’s been so long since I looked for a job, I almost didn’t even know how. It’s a different world out there now. I haven’t had much luck, to say the least.

Then a few days ago I finally got a call – from my old boss. A position has opened up and they immediately thought of me. I would be perfect for it because it’s almost exactly like what I was doing before. Could I come in for an interview?

I still have friends working at this company and this is what they told me – I’m not the first person to be offered their old job back. The company has a policy where if you leave and come back within six weeks, you get to keep your seniority and vacation accrual. Which is why they wait seven weeks to rehire people into their previous jobs – starting all over at new hire pay, 90-day probationary period before any benefits start, two weeks of vacation after the first year. Also, I’ll be doing my old job plus the job of someone who isn’t going to be hired back.

Having been betrayed and cast aside by this company, and then offered my old job back at less pay with fewer benefits, I am reluctant to return. But I badly need a job, not just for the money but also the health insurance. There just isn’t anything else out there for me. Should I wait, or go back?

Torn in Two

Dear Mr. Twain,

As someone famous once said, “I feel your pain.” I thought of him when I read your letter because, no matter what you think of his presidency, he did preside over a fantastic economy. Between 1994 and 2001, the longest I was ever out of work was two days. One time I found a job while driving home from the bastards who had just fired me. The proverbial pink slip was still in my pocket.

Like you say, it’s a different world out there today. One of the biggest differences is the number of places that will not consider you for a job if you are unemployed. It’s an automatic no call back.

So yes, you need to take that job if you hope to find a different one. You’re going to have to swallow your pride and bend over. But don’t let them welcome you home and suck you back into your old habits of company loyalty and dedication. Just do your job, punch that clock, and go home. You owe them nothing.

Meanwhile, renew your job search. As an employed person, you will be considered employable. Don’t get lazy or complacent. Don’t worry about leaving unfinished work on your desk as you take a long lunch to go to an interview. Keep hacking away at it until you find a better position. The bastards have done you the favor of making you a new hire, so becoming a new hire somewhere else won’t stop you from leaving.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

Can Stand the Heat

Dear Stand,

So don’t let it happen.

I’m tempted to tell you to tell your parents to piss off, but as a parent, I can’t do that. There is a rather small window of opportunity for the best scholarships. When you drop the big news, all your parents will see is how they’ll end up footing the entire bill for your college after you quit the restaurant three months down the road. Working in an actual restaurant is nothing like cooking for your family. The hours are long and late with no weekends off, and more often than not you end up toiling under some tyrant who treats you like a slave but expects you to perform like an artist. The washout rate is high.

However, the window of opportunity to pursue your dream is equally small. If you put it off, before you know it you’re saddled with debt and a couple of kids and you can’t afford to chuck it all in and start at the bottom bussing tables.

The obvious solution is culinary school, but I suspect your parents wouldn’t see that as an acceptable exchange for your college scholarship. So what I’m going to do is offer you a compromise. Suck it up and go to college. Be a business major, get a glimpse of what you’ll face from the ownership side of the restaurant business. Owning a restaurant isn’t all about cooking. You also have to run the place, deal with employees, pay the bills and make sure the lights stay on and the toilets keep flushing. Meanwhile, get your chef friend to write a letter of recommendation so you can get a kitchen job in a good restaurant in the town where you go to school. Work those long, late hours while keeping your grades up, forge your spirit in the ovens of a busy restaurant. If you can survive and thrive in that environment, doors will open for you. Hold yourself in readiness to take the plunge.

Most importantly, you will pursue your dream without burning the bridge to your parents. Think of it as part of your education, like a double-major. You get to cook and learn the business while they get to comfort themselves with the idea that you will get a respectable job one day. Before you know it, they’ll be sitting at one of your tables, looking at that restaurant entrepreneur magazine cover with your picture on it, wondering how it all happened.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com