Author: Jack Waggon

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Opinion

Jack Changes Her Tune

Dear Jack,

My husband and I like different types of music. He’s a jazz and blues guy, while I like jazz, rock, classical, metal, just about anything. We used to always have music on in the house, a mix of whatever we felt like. However, lately he’s been getting heavy into jazz. He listens to it all the time. He’s also somewhat musically gifted on the piano, and he’s been spending a lot of time learning to play the jazz he loves. But that’s not my problem.

My problem is he won’t let me listen to my music. If he’s home, it’s got to be jazz or nothing. If I try to listen to something different, he complains that he has a headache or can’t concentrate (or whatever) until I turn it off, then a few minutes later he’s playing his jazz.

It gets worse. Now if I’m listening to my music on my headphones while he’s listening to something else, he sulks. He tells me I need to stop listening to that crap, whatever it is. He wants me to listen to his music, wants to talk about his music, and if I’m not interested he gets all pissy about it.
If he isn’t losing his mind, I know I am. However, I hate confrontation. All my girlfriends say I need to stand up for myself. That’s fine for them to say, but they don’t have to live with him. What do you think I should do?

–Music Lover

Dear Lover,

Some guys have a mid-life crisis, go out and buy a sports car and trade in the wife. Some guys develop weird obsessions with things that used to be hobbies. Maybe he’s yearning for the life of the jazz musician he felt he missed out on. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. My guess is, he doesn’t know himself.

You should do what sensible women have been doing since the cave man era — learn to ignore his tantrums. Men are like children. As long as you give his freaky little obsessions the attention he craves, he’s going to keep bothering you with them.

If he gets mad at you for listening to different music, let him be mad. He’ll get over it. The only reason he hasn’t got over it already is because you keep trying to make peace. Listen to your girlfriends and stand up for yourself. I’m not saying you need to confront him. You just need to nod your head, put on your headphones and go back to your tunes. He’ll be mad for a while and stomp around the house. But the next time, he won’t get as mad about it and pretty soon it’s not even an issue anymore. Not because he’s not mad about it, but because he will have changed again. Either the jazz will no longer consume him, or he’ll have realized what a stupid, selfish twit he was being. Time is your friend.

Alas, those years when you used to share music are probably gone. Be happy that’s all it is. We have to choose our battles. Some people would end a marriage over such matters, but you don’t have to let it go that far.

Got a problem? Let Jack Waggon set you straight: jack.wagg@aol.com

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Opinion

Jack Advises a Would-Be Karate Kid

Dear Jack,

The other day I got into an altercation with a guy in a parking lot. It was stupid, but it was also really scary because he was so much bigger than me. I got through it ok because somebody called the cops and they showed up before anything could happen.

Now I’m scared. I know people who have been robbed. A friend of mine surprised some burglars. A guy I work with had a home invasion. This dude in the parking lot was completely nuts, working himself up to something violent. If he had really come after me, he would have squashed me like a bug.

I don’t like guns, so I was thinking about taking martial arts – Krav Maga or Aikido or MMA – something like that. What do you think is the best system for self-defense?

–Squashed Bug

Dear Grasshopper,

A long time ago in a lifetime far far away, I was a young man driving home late one night from a visit with a lady friend. There was a car behind me as I pulled onto my street. It looked a lot like one of my friend’s cars, so when it followed me into the driveway I didn’t think anything about it. I got out of my car and walked up to the gate to pet my dog – the sweetest, biggest, goofiest Alaskan Malemute you ever saw. His name was Doofus.

Looking back, I saw two guys I had never seen before getting out of this car. As they walked toward me, Doofus hit the gate so hard it almost came off its hinges. These two gentlemen quietly got back in their car and drove away.

I’ve trained in the martial arts, but I doubt I could have held off two determined attackers. If they had had guns, no level of martial arts training and no dog no matter how big could have stopped them. If I had had a gun, one or more of us probably would have ended up shot or dead.

It takes years of martial arts training to reach a level where your natural reaction to an attack allows you to defeat your opponent. If you have to think about what to do, you’ve already lost. A seminar or even a few months of study won’t get it done. If you don’t practice those reactions on an almost daily basis, your skills will fade.

What you should do is live your life. If learning a martial art allows you to live without fear, then go for it, but don’t expect to learn to defend yourself. Train for personal improvement. The best martial art system is the one that works best for you. Most schools have trial periods, so try them until you find one that fits. When you find one, stick with it. The confidence you gain will probably remove that Victim sign from your back, reducing your chances of being attacked in the first place.

Or you could buy a dog, but if you do, buy a dog for a companion, not protection. It’s his bark, not his bite, that keeps the bad guys away.

The thing is, you can’t prepare for everything life throws your way. You’ve gone your whole life and this is the first time you’ve ever been in a tense situation, yet now you’re scared. Chances are you will never be in this situation again. Chances are the next situation will be completely different. You can’t change your fate. You can only change who you are.

Got a problem? Let Jack Waggon set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

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Opinion

Jack Stops a Hummer

Dear Jack,

“Ryan” and I started dating several months ago. Recently, his roommate had to transfer out of town for his job, so rather than look for a new roommate, we decided Ryan should move into my apartment. He’s a great guy and we have a great time together, but he does one thing that drives me nuts.

He hums.

It always happens when he’s occupied with something else, like doing his laundry or cooking or whatever. That’s why I didn’t know about it before he moved in. He doesn’t hum a recognizable song. I think I could live with that. Mostly it’s just a few notes, bits and pieces of whatever song is playing in his head. I’ve talked to him about it and he says he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He says his old roommate never mentioned it.

It’s like its part of his breathing. Every exhale comes out as a piece of a song. He’s not a musician or anything, and he does it whether he’s listening to music or not. He even does it when he’s falling asleep. At least he doesn’t do it in his sleep.

It doesn’t sound like a big problem but it’s really driving me nuts. Try living with this day in and day out and you’d see what I mean. I’m about ready to call it quits and ask him to move out. Do you think I should?

Irma Petty?

Dear Irm,

I have a bum knee that sometimes clicks when I walk. On really cold days, it can be quite loud. People have accused me of snapping my fingers and asked me to stop. I try to explain that it’s not my fingers, it’s my knee, but it’s the sort of thing you can do on command, like trying to make a chair produce that rude noise it made last time you moved it. My knee is the singing frog that refuses to perform on cue. Very annoying.

Women have left me for any number of good reasons, but my knee wasn’t one of them. However, I can well understand your frustration. I used to have a dog that would sit on the floor beside my bed and lick himself once the lights were out. I couldn’t go to sleep until he stopped. It drove me bonkers. But I didn’t get rid of him.

Sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind and are just looking for an excuse to get rid of Ryan. The two of you didn’t move in together because you were in love. He needed a place to flop and you had the room. You had fun when you were dating, but now that you know him better, his habitual humming makes you want to stab yourself in the ear.

Be thankful you didn’t find this out until after you got married. Part as friends and go your merry way. In the future, make sure all flops are understood to be temporary and reviewable after 90 days.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

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Opinion

Jack Helps Out the Kids

Occasionally, I receive letters from lovely young people seeking guidance on their future life choices. As a successful father, more or less, to a number of children of my own (more than a six-pack, less than a case), I try to help them out as best I can. — JW

Dear Jack,

I’m about to graduate from high school and was thinking about going into medicine. My dad says once Obamacare goes into effect, doctors will be paid less than teachers. Do you think doctor will still be a good career choice by the time I graduate?

— Looking Ahead

Dear Looker,

Medicine was one of my career choices. After spending seven years obtaining my bachelor’s degree in the liberal arts, I decided to apply for medical school. I sorted through the pile of polite but firm responses, selected the only positive one, and shipped off to a wonderful little Caribbean island coincidentally named after a local fishing Mecca.

My studies were going well until one day the US Marines kicked in the door and ruined any hope I had of an eventual career in the medical arts. You see, our president at the time had recently pulled a Vietnam in Lebanon and needed a little state-sponsored violence to redeem his Commander-in-Chief bonafides. I happened to be entertaining a group of visitors from a neighboring Caribbean island. They were spending a few months at my place doing research. I had decided to do my thesis on the effects of prolonged exposure to tobacco, rum, plastic poker chips, and women. I had received a grant to conduct my research, along with a number of test subjects who, it turned out, were somehow involved with the military and political operations of that neighboring island government.

Tell your dad to stop watching Fox News. No one other than my dear sainted mother can predict the future. She always pointed me toward the recession-proof professions — doctor, lawyer, mortician. You can’t go wrong with one of those. No matter what the economy is like, there will always be a demand for someone to fix my ticker, post my bail, and bury my worthless in-laws.

If you do become a doctor, please don’t schedule eight patients for the same time. Believe it or not, some people have a problem with that.

Dear Jack,

I’m in love with my physics teacher. She’s really hot, plus she’s only like six years older than me. Do you think we could have a future together? Should I tell her how I feel?

— E=MyHeart/squared

Dear Speedo,

No.

Categories
Opinion

He Cheated with His Lover’s Brother …

Dear Jack,

I’m an out gay male in a stable relationship with another out guy, who I’ll call Dave. We’ve been together nine months. Dave comes from a big family (three sisters, one brother) who are accepting and loving. I’ve been in relationships where I had to pretend to be a roommate. This is so much better, so much more liberating. I can actually enjoy being with Dave’s family. My family is a different story. My father has never accepted the way I am. I hate going home, and I can’t take Dave with me on those rare occasions when I do go home.

The other day, his brother texted me. I’ll call him Todd. Todd asked me to come over because he had a surprise. Dave’s birthday was coming up, so I thought it had something to do with that. It didn’t.

Todd and I ended up having sex. He’s in his early twenties and way hot, but I never thought he was anything but totally straight. He’s got a girlfriend and he’s always flirting with girls. I never got a vibe from him at all until his hands were all over me. Then I couldn’t stop myself.

Now I feel horrible. I’m so ashamed. Todd is fine with it (he says he’s been bi for years), but I’ve got this crushing guilt. I can’t think straight. It’s depressing the hell out of me. Dave has noticed, of course, and he wants to know what’s wrong. I’ve got to confess, but I know it will ruin everything when I do.

Tearing My Hair Out

Dear Torn,

Boy, you really put your foot in it. Not only did you cheat, you cheated with your lover’s younger brother. That’s just low.
Well, we’re all human. Some of us are more human than others, but everybody makes mistakes. Some mistakes are honest mistakes and some are stupid mistakes. You made an honest mistake.

So don’t make it worse by making a stupid mistake. You want to confess to make yourself feel better. In my opinion, that’s more selfish and inconsiderate than screwing Dave’s little brother. Not only will confession destroy your relationship with Dave, you destroy his relationship with his brother, and quite possibly ruin the entire family. You should have kept it in your pants in the first place. Now you want to take it out and wave it around for everybody to see.

Don’t. Just don’t.

This is something you’ve got to learn to live with. This is something you have to take to your grave. You’re miserable now, but that feeling will pass in time and eventually you’ll get over it. If guilt is still consuming you a month from today, then go talk to a priest. Meanwhile, steer clear of Todd.

Got a question? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

Categories
Opinion

Who Let the Dogs In?

Dear Jack,

Me and my old lady moved in together about a year ago, a nice little two-bedroom in midtown. She’s from Maryland and has a Chesapeake Bay Retriever named Lady. I have an English bull terrier named Henry, so we split the pet deposit. We both love dogs, so everything was cool.

Then she brings home another Chessie, as they call these dogs, named Sprocket. He’d been rescued from the pound and she’d taken him in because she’s a member of one of these rescue organizations dedicated to a single breed. Sprocket’s gone now, because she found a home for him, but now we have three more Chessies.

These are four big, energetic, overgrown puppies in our little bitty apartment. They’re tearing the place to pieces and freaking my dog out. Henry shakes all the time now because he’s scared one of them horses is about to jump on him again. Every time she finds somebody to adopt one of these dogs, something always falls through. They don’t have enough room or they work all the time or something. Her problem is, she don’t want to give them up. When she gave up Sprocket, it almost killed her. She didn’t go to work for a week.

Yesterday she called me and said she’s bringing home another one. I lost my cool and went off on her over the phone. She said some stuff to me, too. We’re ok now, but I still feel bad. I love her dogs. They’re just too many of them and she won’t get rid of any. Honest to God, I’m about to the point where I change the locks while she’s taking her dogs for a walk.

In the Dog House

Hey Dawg,

I’m a cat man, myself. Dogs are like children – nice to visit and play with, as long as you can go home when you’ve got them bouncing off the walls. Better to be an uncle than a daddy, if you know what I mean. I prefer both my human and animal companions to be fully capable of taking care of their own business. But I had dogs when I was a kid, so I’m not a cat snob. They just fit my lifestyle.

By my count you now have six medium-to-large size dogs living in your two-bedroom apartment. My guess is you’re already in violation of your lease. If you don’t do something, somebody else is going to change the locks while you’re out for a walk. Either that or they’re going to hit you with a pet fee that’s going to price you right out of the place.

Your old lady sounds like her heart’s in the right place. She just needs to get her head on straight. Talk some sense to her. Don’t get mad about it, just lay out the facts. Sooner or later your landlord is going to get wind of your situation and boot your asses out. Y’all either need to get rid of some dogs or find a bigger place. Like, out in Marshall County somewhere.

In any case, if she can’t give up her foster dogs, she needs to stop fostering dogs. She’s living a lie. Tell her I said so.

Got a problem? Let Jack Waggon set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com.

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Opinion

A Woman Finds Strange Panties …

Dear Jack,

My husband and I have been together for six years, four of them married. I have a son who is 11, my husband has two daughters, one in college and the other one college age but living at home and working. I always thought we were happily married until last Saturday.

I was folding laundry when I came across a pair of panties that didn’t belong to me. They don’t match anything in my stepdaughter’s dresser, either. They might belong to the stepdaughter who is at college, but as I do most of her laundry when she is home, I don’t think they belong to her, either. I’ve already eliminated every possible reasonable explanation (no overnight female visitors, no switching of clothes at the beach, etc.).

I really don’t know what to do. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. If there is a reasonable explanation, I will look like a jealous, suspicious shrew. If there isn’t a reasonable explanation, our home is wrecked, our marriage ruined. I hate to be this way, but I am the woman he cheated with during his previous marriage. My mother tried to warn me — once a cheater, always a cheater.

— Panties in a Wad

Dear Wad,

An almost identical event nearly ruined my third marriage. It turned out that my daughter had been babysitting and, in the process of snooping around her employer’s house, had taken a fancy to some Victoria Secrets and ‘borrowed’ them. They got mixed in with her stepmother’s laundry (the woman didn’t know how to sort), and subsequently found during the folding process. It was impossible for me to explain to her in a way that she would believe that the panties didn’t come off anyone I knew.

Eventually, my daughter admitted to the theft and saved our marriage (albeit temporarily), but not before the damage of trust had been done. Her suspicions aroused, my wife eventually realized that I was telling the truth when she discovered that my girlfriend didn’t wear panties. Until that moment, she thought I had bribed my daughter to take the blame. I wish I had thought of that.

You may think you have eliminated every possible reasonable explanation, but I assure you that you haven’t. There are any number of possibilities, some of them good, some not so good. For example, have you considered that your husband may be a crossdresser? It could be that they belong to one of your stepdaughters, and the reason you have never seen them until now is that she’s been hiding them from you. Let’s hope they don’t belong to your son. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The only way you will ever know is to ask, but there are ways of asking that won’t generate the confrontation you fear. You might ask your stepdaughter to fold some laundry and let her discover them. If they disappear, you’ll know they belong to her. If she brings them to you, you’ll know she is innocent. She might even ask the other daughter about them and save you the trouble. Your husband will eventually be drawn into the discussion, and it will all come about without you looking like the bad guy.

I hope it ends well for you, but chances are, your fears are well-founded. Thankfully for men, women don’t often listen to their mothers.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

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Opinion

She Found Gay Porn on Her Husband’s Computer …

Dear Jack,

My boyfriend is a professional photographer. His work is just amazing and is the reason I originally fell in love with him. We met at a gallery showing of his work and he asked me to model for him. I know, it sounds like a come-on, but honestly, I really did model for him (non-nude) for about a year before we went on our first date. Now we’re living together and things are really, truly wonderful, in every way, including the bedroom.

Or, they were. Since the economy went to hell, he’s been having a hard time finding work. He’s even done a few weddings just to make ends meet. You have no idea how soul-crushing that can be for an artist like him. But he did the work, and I’m proud of him, plus the pay was good.

That’s not my problem. Or maybe it is. Because of lack of work, he’s been spending a lot of time at home. I have a regular 8-5 job. The other day, they closed the office early because of the snow, and when I got home, he was asleep on the couch. His laptop was open, so I sat down to check my Facebook and found his Photoshop program open with a picture of a nude guy. There were lots of pictures of this nude guy, and as I found out, lots of pictures of lots of different nude guys. They’re really cute and Oh My Lord, but that’s totally beside the point.

My boyfriend says that he has been shooting soft porn on the side. He says didn’t want to tell me about it because he’s embarrassed. But I can’t help thinking if that’s what he’s really doing, he should have some pictures of naked women, too. Honestly, it wouldn’t bother me at all if that was what he was really doing, but I don’t know when he’s been going on these shoots. He’s always home when I call. And if he’s been making extra money, I haven’t seen any of it.

I’m afraid my boyfriend is gay and downloading gay porn. I don’t know what to do.

—Heartbroke in Hickory Hill

Dear Heartbroke,

Be at ease in your heart. I don’t think your boyfriend is gay. He probably just has latent bisexual feelings that he’s been exploring in his abundance of boredom and free time. Chances are, he will never act on them. But he may. That’s a risk we all take, no matter who we’re with – straight, gay, or bi. By making it unsafe for him to look at pictures of nude men at home, you might force him out of the house and into the very thing you most want to avoid.

I’m going to offer something a little radical here. First of all, does his attraction to the male nude form make you uncomfortable? If this is something you can live with (provided he doesn’t act on it), maybe you should invite him to share his fantasies with you, instead of hiding them. You said the photos were hot. Maybe the two of you could get off together. Crazy, I know.

And maybe, just maybe, with your blessing he could actually do some male model photography and start earning money. Idle hands, as they say, will find something to play with.

Categories
Opinion

He Wants to Leave His Wife for Another Woman …

Dear Jack,

I am having an affair with my neighbor. She is 20 years younger than me and is also married. We are desperately in love and have decided to blow up our lives and be together. I know it sounds like I am “that guy” but it’s not like that. I’ve never felt this happy in my whole life, now that we have decided to do this. She is amazing on every level.

My problem is that my wife is a good person and will be devastated when I tell her. Is there a good way to handle this? My mind is made up.

— Living the Dream

Dear Dreamboat,

An acquaintance of mine, who I’ll call Mack, was in your boat a while back. Married to the same woman for 25 years, he met a much younger woman and decided to chuck it all – wife, kids, house, even his job – so he could be with her. He said he had found his soulmate. I thought he just found someone who blew his mind in a way he’d never been blown before, if you know what I mean. In honor of the place they met, we’ll call her by her World of Warcraft name – Tonguestud.

Desperately in love, Mack leaves his wife, apologizes to the kids, and moves three states away. A year later he sends me some pictures – of his wedding, Mack and Tonguestud on the beach on their honeymoon, etc. This was the first time I’d ever seen a picture of Tonguestud. When Mack told me he was running off with a 24-year-old woman, I figured he was trading up for a newer and sportier model. Middle aged guy grabs the trophy wife, that sort of thing. Boy, was I wrong. She looked like Shrek on steroids, at least a foot taller than Mack and shading him a good hundred pounds. It still pains me to think of it.

The thing is, Mack really had found his soulmate. I never believed him until that moment.

Is there a good way to handle this? Tell her you’ve found your soulmate and her lawyer will only smile and whet his knives, knowing you will do anything and give up everything to get out of your marriage to the old ball and chain.

The answer is – no, there’s no good way to sugarcoat your betrayal. If it’s really over, don’t try to spare her feelings by being anything less than completely honest, because all you will do is create doubt about your commitment to your decision. Don’t hang around forever. Don’t try to soften the blow by letting her talk you into counseling. It won’t soften the blow. It will only drag out the inevitable.

At the same time, don’t be a dick. Don’t just up and leave. Don’t send her a text or an email. Be a man and face her. Quietly suffer everything she throws at you, because you deserve it. When she’s taken out her fury and the ice cold hate starts to settle in her heart, then you can pick up your suitcase and make yourself scarce.

You say you are desperately in love. If I may offer a small piece of advice – never do anything permanent out of desperation. Divorce lawyers buy their trophy wives with the money of desperate men.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

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Opinion

She’s Worried Her Son Will Get Religion …

Dear Jack,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. I have a five-year-old son from a previous relationship. My boyfriend recently started going to church and now he wants me and my son to go with him, even though he knows I’m not a religious person. I’m not exactly an atheist. I just don’t know, and really, I don’t care to know. It’s not that important to me.

I’ve told my boyfriend how I feel about this. I liked our old Sunday mornings together, sitting around the house in our pajamas, but I didn’t get upset when he started going to church. He’s disappointed that I won’t go to church with him, but he still wants to take my son. He thinks it’s important that my son receive a sound moral base on which to build his life. As if he needs a church for that.

My boyfriend is really good with my son. I totally trust them together. I’m just not sure about sending him off to church. I mean, what’s the point? And what if he comes back one of these little brainwashed zombie Jesus kids you see on Youtube?

–Having Zombie Nightmares

Dear Zombified,

If my sainted mother were here, God rest her soul, she would say, “He wants the boy to have a sound moral base? Then tell the fornicating SOB to marry the boy’s mother instead of living in sin for three years!”

You don’t sound like you feel strongly one way or another about religion. You’re just a little nervous about letting go of your son.

In my opinion, a five-year-old has no concept of church and isn’t going to obtain any kind of moral base, zombified or otherwise, on which to build his life by squatting behind a high church pew scribbling pictures of dinosaurs on the back of donation envelopes. Unless the church in question has an advanced zombification program (and some do), your son should be safe from their clutches until the age of eight or nine, at which point you can revisit this issue.

If, at that point, your boyfriend is still your boyfriend, I suggest listening to my mother’s advice, to be sure.

Bottom line – you’re the boy’s mother. If you don’t want him in church, don’t let your boyfriend take him. A kid’s moral base is built upon the daily living example of his parent or parents, not the sermons that put his parents to sleep once a week.

But if it were me, I’d seize the opportunity to have an hour or two alone on Sunday morning. This could be a blessing.

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com.