Author: Joey Hack

Editor’s Note: Want to be a published author? Send Memphis Murder Owl fan fiction to davis@memphisflyer.com. Type “Owl Fiction” in the subject field. I’ll continue to post the best examples through October. Meanwhile, enjoy “Owl, Fly With Me,” by FOTW’s own Joey Hack.
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October 14, 2013

Diane, it is Monday, October 14, 2013, 7:52 a.m. I am driving from Little Rock, Arkansas to Memphis, Tennessee. As you know, we could not get a direct flight into Memphis due to cutbacks at their airport over time. So I have procured a trusty rental car, well within agency budgetary requirements, and have begun a relatively short, albeit visually unstimulating drive. Diane, I am sure you will note that today is Columbus Day, which is a holiday. But I have never observed that occasion. Call me old fashioned, but I see no reason to celebrate the destruction of an indigenous people. In any event, I am considered essential, so neither rain, nor Columbus, nor a governmental shutdown shall keep me from my appointed tasks.

Once I arrive in Memphis, I will begin the investigation of the so call “High Point Owl.” This creature has been wantonly attacking citizens and stealing hats. The Bureau has been brought in because these crimes have technically taken place, at least in part, in federal airspace. I was, of course, called in because of my experience with owls. You will, no doubt, recall the incidents in Twin Peaks so many years ago, Diane. I barely got out of that city alive. But you know how that story ended, don’t you, Diane?

I am sure there is something unusual about this crime wave. In my experience, Diane, owls are a sinister lot, and are rarely what they seem.

***
2:27 p.m.
Diane, I have checked into appropriate lodgings (clean and reasonably priced) and have met with local law enforcement handling this situation. Lt. Marty Fowl is in charge of the investigation. Nice man. Professional. Facial hair that appears to be ironic. He and I are both aware of the fact that his name is somewhat appropriate though I am unsure if owls are, in fact, fowl. Maybe research can verify.

Lt. Fowl met me at the police station and showed me his files, which consisted of a couple of typed reports and some photos of the owl and its victims. The owl’s eyes are intelligent and possibly evil, Diane. I must tread lightly.
Following our meeting, Lt. Fowl took me to a local barbecue restaurant. Diane, let me tell you, if you have not had Memphis Barbecue pulled pork sandwich, you aren’t living right. Imagine salvation served with a charred crunchy outside and a soft, hot center, all bathed in a tangy, spicy bath of sauce. Diane, I truly believe that if pigs knew this was what happened to them after they died, they would drop any survival instincts they may have.

After lunch, I headed to the hotel to prepare for tonight. We are going to track an owl.

4:35 p.m. Diane, it has been brought to my attention that there is a video store in this town called “Black Lodge”. Please have someone check it out. I’d rather not go near there for reasons that should be obvious.

11:46 p.m. Diane, when Nietzsche said that when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back, I believe he was owl gazing. Tonight I met the perpetrator, and he is a beast.
Lt. Fowl and I patrolled the High Point neighborhood on foot. Armed with a flashlight and a thermos of coffee (black) we looked for the creature. But, Diane, after a couple of hours, it was apparent that the hunters were to become the hunted. At around 10:30 p.m. , I heard a whistling in the trees. It seemed to be the wind at first. But maybe it was not. I turned to face the sound and there it was. The owl. Swooping down on me with a 5 foot wingspan, the creature mussed my hair as I ducked. It made a second pass at us, and this time, Diane, the owl grabbed my Thermos. We didn’t see where it went, and so no further signs.

This creature is dangerous Diane. Even more so now that it has access to caffeine.

October 15, 2013
3:52 a.m. Diane, I have just had a lucid and enigmatic dream. In this dream I am walking down a street that is crowded and abandoned at the same time. From one of the houses, I hear music. A strange combination of Celtic and jug band.

I enter the house, and the music abruptly stops. The house is empty, except for a stool, on which sits an obese German man with a wooden arm and a porcelain leg. He holds in his hand a blue piccolo. The walls of the house are painted as if an owl had been hired to do the job. But a competent painting owl, Diane. The German nods at me, and then plays a haunting version of “Alexander’s Rag Time Band” on his piccolo. He then laughs, coughing, and pulls out a small notebook, bound in what appears to be candy corn. The German writes a note and hands it to me.

I know where the owl is.

10:21 a.m.
Lt. Fowl was not impressed by my clue. I told him about the dream, and he finally asked me what the note said. I informed him it said “In a tree.” He told me that everyone already knew that, as that is where owls usually are. I don’t think he cares for my deductive reasoning, and is perhaps saving face by claiming he already had that data. He mentioned he may call Washington for clarification of the scope of my role here. I admire his professionalism. He told me to come back at 5:30 for another night of owl hunting.

12: 35 p.m. Today I had ribs. Diane, if you thought the barbecue sandwich sounded good, you haven’t even begun down the path of wonders.

1:29 p.m.
Diane, it has been brought to my attention that I was not actually assigned to this investigation by the regional bureau chief, but honestly, I do not have a good read on this new boss. Things have been all winder-shins since Gordon Cole retired. It is now apparent that Albert was pulling a prank on me. I should have known better than to believe that my assignment would come from a Post-It Note. I will advise Lt. Fowl of the bad news.

1:35 p.m.
Just got off the phone with Lt. Fowl. His response to my news was simple and sincere. “Ok. No big deal.” This sums up a man’s life at times, Diane. The world is wonderful, but can also be cold.

5:35 p.m.
Diane, I have returned to Little Rock, and will be on a flight to Washington in about two hours. It is always anticlimactic and sad when an investigation is not concluded. But I have faith that Lt. Fowl will apprehend his perp. In the end, the owl may be ancient evil in a form we cannot comprehend. It may be a restless spirit or a manifestation of all that which is wicked.

But, as Freud once said, sometimes an owl is just a bird. Sometimes the owls are what they seem, Diane. I hope they have coffee on this flight.

Joey Hack is a regular Fly on the Wall contributor, and is a member of the Wiseguys improv troupe.

Memphis is on the verge of a “monster Armageddon, the likes of which have not been seen since Godzilla attacked Tokyo,” warned Dr. Frank N. Berry, dean of the University of Memphis’ Department of Monsterology.

In light of reports of a giant hat stealing owl in the High Point neighborhood, Dr. Berry is concerned that more terror awaits the Memphis citizenry.

“If it were just the owl, I would be concerned. But not THIS concerned,” Dr. Berry said while nervously mixing test tubes filled with colored liquid with dry ice to generate an atmospheric fog. “But you combine this hellish bird with the verified existence of the Midtown Coyote, and it’s clear that MONSTERS ARE INVADING THE CITY!!!” Dr. Berry then laughed maniacally and shook his fists towards the Heavens.

According to Dr. Berry, other monsters have been reported in Memphis, but the media has “kept the news buried deep, much like a ghoul. But as we all know, eventually ghouls will emerge!”

Dr. Berry claims that the unreported monster list is extensive. Shuffling through yellowed papers with glyphs and unreadable script, Dr. Berry noted alleged sightings of the Binghampton Buzzard of Monstrous Size, the Collierville Chupacabra, the Whitehaven Dune Worm, the North Memphis Yeti, the Raleigh Tyrannosaurus, the Wolfchase Elder Thing, and the Ghastly Giant Firebreathing Moth of Millington.

“Worst case scenario, these monsters are gathering to destroy every man, woman, child and structure in the city during a monstrous battle royale that will rage on for weeks. Best case scenario? The very same,” Dr. Berry stated with unusual gravitas.

Dr. Berry believes this struggle will be triggered when Great Cthulhu arises from his water tomb in the Wolf River Harbor and emits a battle cry to the other beasts. He anticipates this will happen next Thursday. At about 3:30 p.m.

Joey Hack is a Wiseguy and a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.

While many Memphis residents are pleased that the Overton Square parking lot is now open, some are upset that the parking comes at a price.

The 451 spot parking lot is free this month, but beginning next month parking will cost $3 between 6 pm and 4 am, while remaining free at all other times. That may sound like a good deal but the $3 fee does not sit well with some.

“Freedom to park should be every bit as important to us as freedom of speech and religion,” said Jenny Tonic, a 43 year old Midtown resident, and founder of “Don’t Tread On Me With Paid Parking,” an organization with a mission to make parking fees illegal in Tennessee.

“Our Constitution gives us freedom of assembly. How can we assemble freely if we have to pay to do so? I mean, that’s the exact opposite of free!” Tonic said while working on a design for her protest flyer on her Macbook Pro while enjoying a scone and beverage at a local Starbucks that cost a total of $8.42. “Times are tough, and it’s ridiculous that we have to pay to park anywhere.”

Tonic says that people who believe they will be allowed to park for only $3.00 haven’t read the fine print. “Special event parking may have different fees,” she insists. “And who exactly do you think it is who gets to decide which events are special? Hint: not you or me.”

In addition to her public protest, Tonic is working hard to get a state Constitutional ban on parking fees throughout Tennessee. She has been in contact with state legislators attempting to have them put forward a referendum to amend the state’s constitution. So far, no legislators have returned her calls or email.

“I can only assume that these people are in the pockets of Big Parking,” Tonic said. “It’s frustrating and upsetting. All I know is that until this is resolved, there’s no way I’m going to Overton Square. They’ll take my $3 from my cold, dead fingers!”

Reports indicate that after the interview, Tonic drove her Acura MDX to a convenience store, where she purchased a pack of cigarettes for $5.89. Later that evening, she reportedly enjoyed three beers at $3.50 apiece at a local bar as she and like minded citizens discussed the proposed amendment.

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall and is a member of the Wiseguys improv troupe.

While preparations are underway for the National Ornamental Metal Museum’s wildly popular Repair Days (October 3-6), the city’s other metal museum is also hard at work on a somewhat less popular event taking place in advance of it.

The annual Tetanus Day event is set to take place on Tuesday at the Memphis Scrap Metal Museum and Gift Shop on S. Florida next door to the National Semi-Trailer Graveyard. And, if past experience is any indication, it will not be well attended.

“Well, the idea is that the public is welcome to come on down and step on some rusty nails or scrape their arms with a rusted out piece of metal siding,” explained museum spokesperson Russell “Rusty” Troubles. “And then, they sit back and wait for the tetanus to kick in, which can be a few weeks. Less if you’re lucky”

The idea behind the event is to give people tetanus in a controlled environment so they can experience muscle spasm and lockjaw through a controlled process, as opposed to less certain exposure through normal means.

“We don’t want kids or people over 60 doing this, as it can be real dangerous,” Troubles explained. “And, obviously, if you have an up to date tetanus shot, I wouldn’t bother.”

Participants sign a legal waiver before participating, and are urged to prepare a will and durable power of attorney documents.

Organizers are ambivalent about attendance, but note that they do not expect a large turnout. “Last year, no one took part in this,” Troubles said, while passive-aggressively pointing to a museum t-shirt for sale that was clearly marked with a 2008 date. “Zero. That is the same number we’ve had for the past five years. Honestly, I have no idea why we do this. And, truth be told. you’d be an idiot to participate. It’s ridiculous.”

The Scrap Metal Museum and Gift shop is open intermittently on weekdays.

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall and member of the Wiseguys improv troupe.

Karen Lotts, a 38 year old Midtown resident and office administrator, lives in a perpetual state of outrage, according to co-workers and friends.

“Yesterday, she told me she was ‘totally outraged’ over the media’s reporting on Syria. Last week, she was ‘totally outraged’ over a joke someone made that she felt was offensive to people with Shingles. It’s pretty much a daily thing. Somebody’s going to say something that sends her through the roof,” said Lotts’ co-worker Bob Andweave.

Earlier this week, Lotts was observed expressing her outrage at a server who asked if she was ready for a check while she was “plainly not finished eating.” This was followed by a 45 minute dissertation on the ongoing problem of condescension in the service industry.

Other recent targets of Lotts’ outrage include city leaders, Republicans, polluters, meat, organized religion, and “racist undertones in the criticism of Miley Cyrus.”

“Yeah, we tend to not invite Karen with us anywhere these days,” said alleged friend Tara Cotta. “It’s just an all night series of gripes, complaints and anger. Last time we were out, she went on and on about how [WMC-TV meteorolgist] Ron Childers is insensitive because he, apparently, didn’t show enough sympathy for the homeless when he mentioned how hot it was going to be the next day. Ron didn’t make a joke or anything. He just didn’t remind everyone to be compassionate. Thirty minutes this went on.”

Calls to Lott were met with anger, recriminations, and accusations of pandering to the high fructose corn syrup manufacturers.

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall and member of the Wiseguys improv troupe.

Choose 901, an organization that “promotes Memphis as the premiere city in the country for someone to invest and enjoy their life,” postponed an event that will now be held this Friday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. at Republic Coffee. The event, created so people could pick up t- shirts they had ordered from the Choose 901 website, was rescheduled due to a problem with the out-of-state t-shirt supplier.

Apparently, somebody didn’t choose 901.

A post that has since been removed from the Choose 901 website said the group would use local suppliers in the future.

Joey Hack is a member of the Wiseguys Improv troupe and a regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.

Curator’s note: The original photo used to promote Choose 901’s pickup party has been removed at the site owner’s request. In its place is a screenshot of the Facebook event announcement using the same photo—Chris Davis

Collierville, TN— In light of the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, Memphis resident Nick Cutter has declared that racism is dead.

Cutter, a 53 year old white male earning $94,000 a year as an insurance broker, said “There’s no inequality that I can see.” Cutter made this comment from his Collierville home’s second story balcony overlooking the family’s pool.

“I work with two black guys, Paul (Goodson) and James (Elliot). They’re my homies, you know? How could they have their jobs if racism still existed?” Cutter asked. “It’s just a matter of taking the opportunities available, right?”

Cutter then proceeded to rattle off the names of several prominent African American politicians and entertainers whose very existence prove that racism has been dead in this country since “somewhere around 1994.”

To bolster his argument, he indicated that Paul Goodson “agrees with me on this,” and used the phrase “I’m not a racist, ask anyone” six times during the course of the conversation.

Records indicate that Cutter has not socially interacted with any African Americans making under $30,000 a year in the past eight years.

For the thirteenth time in nine years, and in spite of the fact that, once again, they weren’t even asked to play the Center for Southern Folklore’s annual Music & Heritage Festival, local band “Confluence” is about to hit the big time, according to band founder and drummer Neil Downs.

Confluence has been a staple of the Memphis music scene since 2002, appearing at local clubs, area dives, and private parties. Downs describes the band’s sound as “a magical exploration of rock, country, reggae and jazz”.

“The record label guys started sniffing around in 2004, but the deal has always fallen apart because we want to keep our integrity,” said Downs while taking a break from his day job with a local tree service. “You can’t put a price on that, you know?”

According to Downs, despite repeated deals going South with major labels for reasons involving “creative control,” “money issues,” and “weird vibes”, Confluence is going to go big in the next few months. “Yeah, we’ve been approached by a major label to do a three CD deal,” Downs said. “This time it’s for real.”

Other members of Confluence are not as optimistic. “I don’t know,” said guitarist Paul Fret. “Last time Neil told us the deal fell apart because they wanted us to do the Tonight Show, and Neil thinks Leno is a ‘stooge,’ so he refused to do it. And in 2010 he told us the A&R guys pulled out because of an argument over book rights. We don’t even write books. I don’t know, man. I don’t know.”

According to Downs, Confluence will be headlining at Coachella next April in advance of the release of the first album under the three CD deal that he says is all but certain to go down.

“But, hey, if anything does go wrong, Confluence will be rocking out that weekend at our regular El Banditos gig in Raleigh,” Downs added.

International fans of Elvis impersonators gather tonight for “Tribute! A Tribute to Tributes!”, a program of performers impersonating Elvis impersonators.

Thirty nine contestants are set to compete in the contest aimed at determining who does the best job of impersonating top Elvis impersonators.

“[Elvis impersonator] Pete Vallee is a god among men,” said impersonator impersonator Dale Glade, a carpet installer from Yorkshire, England who won Belgium’s Impersonator Impersonator contest in 2012. “I hope my performance captures a small piece of the work he does capturing a piece of Elvis.”

“The real trick is to find a a song and sing it in Pete’s voice,” Glade added. “A lot of these impersonator impersonators try to impersonate Elvis. That’s the easiest way to lose these things, isn’t it? Sing in Pete’s voice singing in Elvis’ voice, but never, ever sing in Elvis’ voice. It’s easy, really.”

Betty Wont, a mortgage banker from Toledo, Ohio, came in second place last year, but hopes to do better tonight. “The trick is finding a costume that Shawn [Klush] would wear. Authenticity is so important when pretending to be someone pretending to be someone,” Wont said.

The contest begins tonight at 8 at an undisclosed Applebee’s. Tickets can be purchased in advance, but, really, what’s the point?

The REAL Shawn Klush. Not an impersonator.