Covid cases are back at November 2020 levels, children under 12 years old are not yet eligible for vaccines, students are returning to schools, and you, Governor Bill Lee, have decided that now is a good time to allow parents to opt their kids out of school mask mandates. On the surface, the timing seems poor. With elementary schools packed wall to wall with unvaccinated bodies and the Delta variant far more prevalent in children than the original virus, parents across Tennessee are in a panic, but I want you to know that I get it. I see what you are doing, and I am willing to help any way I can.
Honestly, it’s high time you show the nation that you are on the same level as revered governors like Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis, not to mention the lofty, seemingly unattainable former president, Donald J. Trump — all three beacons of selfless leadership who constantly seek what is best for all people. It will not be easy, but I believe in you, and, for this reason, I freely offer you my children to use for the solidifying of your political legacy and furthering your future aspirations. We need strong, conservative leadership in this country to show the sanctity of human life and protect unborn children, and if that means harming or even sacrificing some already-born children then I am happy to do what it takes to be a part of the movement.
Presently, I have a 6-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 12-year-old to give. Of course, the 6- and 10-year-olds are both too young to be vaccinated, so if sick children are what you need, then that should be no problem. You do have some catching up to do if you want to catch Abbott and DeSantis, so please take my two unvaccinated children and stuff them in an underfunded Tennessee school building with all the rest of the students who will not learn that slavery was bad because you so courageously outlawed its teaching, and show the world what you’re made of!
Now, I apologize in advance for my 12-year-old. He has been vaccinated. If I had known you would need him so desperately to catch Covid, I would not have allowed that to happen, but I’m afraid it’s too late. I have faith that you can find some way to use him nonetheless. Maybe turn him over to a gang of illegal immigrants. The nation will not stand for those people coming into our country and taking one of our own children! There is potential there. And while he has been vaccinated, you could still try to infect him because, if it were to work, then you can pin it on the gang of immigrants and their bringing Covid across our open borders. Of course, you do what you think is best. I am here to serve.
I know it’s not much. In fact, my only regret in this life is that I have but three children to give you and not a hundred or more. I am like the widow in the book of Mark who gave her last two coins. Some people can give more, yes, but I am giving you all I have. These three children are my two coins, and I am willing, even eager, to part with them if it furthers your political agenda, thrusts your boldness into the national spotlight, and helps you regain any support you lost from your role in removing the Nathan Bedford Forrest bust from the capitol building.
Godspeed, Governor Lee, and good luck.
Joseph Thomas is a humor writer living in Memphis, Tennessee, with his wife (Natalie), their three kids, and one dog.