Categories
Theater Theater Feature

Not So Swimmingly

No matter how strong a person is mentally and physically when they are young, old age will eventually rob them of their vitality. Or so Theatre Memphis’ latest reminds us.

Pride’s Crossing is based on the story of Mabel Tidings Bigelow, who at the age of 26 was not only the first woman to swim the English Channel from England to France but also set the world record for doing so.

When the play opens, Mabel is 90 and virtually alone. She can’t walk, she can’t see, she can’t hear. She lives in the converted stable of her parents’ old house with her housekeeper and the housekeeper’s son and is busy planning a party for the only one of her grandchildren who still visits her.

Time ebbs and flows from the present to memories of Mabel’s childhood in 1920s Boston, her teenage years, her marriage, and her famous swim. Leigh Ann Evans plays Mabel at all stages of her life and does each convincingly but is most talented as the arthritic curmudgeon.

Costume changes done on stage between scenes further revealed the talent of the actress. Evans sheds the years away easily by shucking off her bathrobe to reveal other costumes underneath.

Another stand-out is Jeff Bailey. His portrayal of Mabel’s club-footed, would-be suitor is humorous yet sympathetic, and as her true love and swim coach, he projects just the right amount of compassion and sensuality. Many of the members of the multitalented cast play more than one role and do so with aplomb.

But the entire production seems to struggle with obvious inadequacies in the script. Written by Tina Howe, whose previous work has twice been nominated for Tony Awards, Pride’s Crossing plods along with clichés and limp language. Characters repeatedly answer questions with “I don’t want to talk about it,” deferring necessary plot exposition to flashbacks and slowing the pace of the piece.

In addition, Howe’s story is confusing in several places. Several lifelong friends suddenly appear in the last few scenes of the play, overturning the audience’s perception of Mabel’s character. Their Mabel is one the audience has never seen before.

In another scene, Mabel confronts her mother with the fact that the hours she spent swimming in the ocean were only so her mother would notice her. But if all she really wanted was her mother’s approval, why did she bother swimming at all? Her mother made perfectly clear the behavior she expected of a lady. In fact, it was her father who put the idea of swimming the Channel into her head. During a discussion of sailing he says that anyone can swim, even the dog. A real swim, he says, is the English Channel. It would seem Mabel swam the Channel for him, if anyone.

Well-known for dealing with issues of social class and human relationships, Howe had the perfect subject matter to make a statement about a liberated woman in an unliberated time. But instead, the play treads on dangerous ground by portraying a woman who must have been determined and liberated — she swam for hours a day leading up to her swim of the English Channel in 1928 — as weak and cowardly.

In the first scene, Mabel and her housekeeper have a discussion where they agree that men have all the fun. Later Mabel says, “If I had skin like yours, just think what I could have accomplished,” invalidating herself.

Instead, Mabel’s swimming of the English Channel is used more as a frame for the question of what kind of man a woman should marry. The play does not seek to ask whether a woman’s accomplishments can be enough to satisfy her or enough to let her stand on her own two feet –in Howe’s play, they obviously cannot. Mabel’s friends and family (and the audience dragged along with them) are more interested in her love life and how she chose her husband.

In the end, though, two women are left as foils for each other. One ran away with the man who stole her heart; the other did not, seemingly because her man was Jewish. The kicker is both women are miserable with their lives. The moral? Don’t get old.

Through June 3rd at Theatre Memphis.

Categories
News News Feature

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

It started with a little experimentation in college. Nothing major, really, my roommates would be sitting around our living room and from time to time I would join them. But too soon it began to take its toil. I got caught in an ugly web.

I’m talking, or course, about the WB. I know, I’ve mentioned it in this column before, but that was back when I was a recreational user. Now, I’ve moved onto the big time — setting the VCR every night, scouting web sites for teasers every day. I think it’s sucking my life away.

The whole thing began with Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. A couple of my college roommates really liked it and, in an effort to avoid any semblance of work, I began watching, too.

It quickly became a ritual. Tuesday nights the roommates gathered around, friends came over, we all bonded.

But I confess: I’m a TV junkie. And while all my friends could keep their habits under control, I couldn’t. Seeing promos for other shows made me want to find out if Felicity would ever get together with Ben, if Jill would dump his new girlfriend for Jack, if the aliens on “Roswell” were on the verge of being discovered.

I became obsessed. Because, let’s be honest, the WB has discovered a niche. Sure, I’m a member of their target audience (female 18-24) so I’m biased, but they’ve also found a few key formulas that, if ratings are anything, seem to be working out for them. First off, the supernatural crime fighter (“Buffy,” “Angel,” “Charmed,” “Sabrina”). Then, there’s the continual love triangle between soul mates and could-be soul mates (think Pacey, Joey, and Dawson, or Felicity, Ben, and Noel). As well as the combination of the two (“Roswell”). Throw in some family values programming (7th Heaven, Gilmore Girls), as well as Steve Harvey and Jamie Foxx, and you’ve got yourself a network.

Oh, and did I mention that on the WB everyone is really attractive. Okay, well, on the WB everyone is really attractive. They might not always be able to act, but that doesn’t matter if you’re Scott Speedman. Not that he can’t act, but you get the point. Hot. Watching the WB made me want to watch more Ñ I felt like I loved everybody. But then the credits would roll, and I wasn’t as pretty as those WB people. I don’t have super powers or a could-be soul mate. The highs just got higher, the lows just got lower.

Of course then I moved to Memphis. At first it was really hard. I knew that Channel 24 played WB shows during their late night programming, but I could never remember to set my VCR. The fevers, the chills, the sweating, it all got to me. And then I got through it.

Slowly I forgot that Felicity and Ben ever existed (in that way that Felicity and Ben “exist”). I spent evenings contributing to society. I was rehabilitated.

Then I heard from friends of mine, as well as a television critic at Salon.com, that the writing and acting on Buffy was surpassing all the other shows on television. I thought it would be okay, I’d just watch and that’d be it. I remembered to set the VCR.

Suddenly I was sucked back in. I decided that if I was going to tape Buffy I might as well tape Angel, the spin-off that comes on after it. I mean, the VCR’s already set up. And then I’d sneak glances at the tape the next night and see previews for Dawson’s Creek. Dawson’s going to lose his virginity with Pacey’s sister? And Joey wants him back? I better tape that, too. And Charmed, yeah, okay.

Now season finales are looming on the horizon and cliffhangers are in sight. And me, I’m firmly back on the junk, just wondering about my next fix.

( Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.)

Categories
Film Features Film/TV

HORSING AROUND

You can t make everyone happy all the time. It s an old saying, but someone should have reminded the makers of A Knight s Tale.Combining all the elements of summer blockbusters past (a handsome hero, buddies in tow, overwhelming odds, honor, courage, the love of a beautiful woman, and a hit soundtrack — think Armageddon, Con Air, Independence Day), A Knight s Tale, like its main character, has a big desire. In the film s case, it s to win the pocketbooks of all the summer moviegoers. In the case of William (Heath Ledger), son of a thatcher, it s to be a knight. To help his son fulfill his dream, his father apprentices him to a knight. When, years later, an unfortunate turn leaves the knight — just a match away from winning a tourney –ÿdead, William takes his place, wins the tournament, and voila! His stars are changed. Posing as Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein of Gelderland, William becomes a great knight and falls in love with Jocelyn (Shannyn Sossamon), a beautiful maiden. Everything is great, he s winning the tournaments (his main competition in the joust and for Jocelyn, Count Adhemar, is away fighting a war), but there s a hitch. You have to be a noble to participate, and William is decidedly not. And if he s found out, well, it s off to the stocks and some other not-so-pleasant ordeals. Wanting to combine the best of the old and the new, A Knight s Tale is a mishmash of modern culture meets period piece. In a purely gratuitous dance scene, Ledger takes a Travolta turn and struts his stuff Saturday Night Fever-style. While most of the cast wears brown, taupe, and more brown, Jocelyn looks like she could be modeling Versace, with spiky streaks of fire-engine red in her hair and mendhi-like makeup decorating her eyes. She s no shrinking violet. Knowing that women s roles in medieval society are not exactly palatable to most modern females, the two main female characters (Jocelyn and William s blacksmith) challenge (however mildly) their station in life. The mix of old and new is nowhere more pronounced than in one of the oddest acts of product placement ever seen: After making William a new suit of armor, the blacksmith etches a well-known swoosh onto the back (okay, it might not be product placement unless Nike is coming out with some sort of chain mail this summer, but that didn t prevent most of the theater from yelling out, Nike! at the time). Although A Knight s Tale follows most of the summer blockbuster formula to a T, it s lacking one main component: explosions. Instead, the action consists of a bit of sword fighting and a lot of jousting. Perhaps there s a reason why jousting hasn t retained its popularity. It might be an ancestor to modern-day chicken, but after the 100th time — okay, the fourth time — seeing two horses barreling at each other and two guys in full armor ramming each other with long sticks, well, it gets a little boring. The filmmakers say they tried to make all 27 matches different in some way, but they failed. The horses ran, the lances broke, the guys in armor fell backward on their horses … and sometimes fell off. Whoo. While A Knight s Tale is in no way bad — it followed the formula — it s not really good, either. It strives to be everything for everyone and ends up falling short. And as the main character proves, it s possible to change your destiny, but you ve got to be something special. A Knight s Tale isn t.

Categories
News News Feature

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

Listen, contrary to popular belief, I am not desperate. Okay? That is just not the case. I mean, have you seen the picture? Granted it’s not part of People ‘s 50 Most Beautiful People In the World list, but still. Not desperate.

Unfortunately, it seems as if some people — some I know and some I’ve only met briefly — have gotten the impression from these columns that my sole goal in life is to snag a man, but that’s just not true.

You have to understand. I’m trying to write a weekly column, hopefully one people will read. And people are interested in things like action, romance, and mystery (which is why they make such good film genres).

Let me back up for a minute. I used to write these e-mail updates to all my friends where I would just babble on and on about the every day details of my life. For instance, once I wrote about how this video store clerk (female) started telling me about all the porn the store carried, and then when I was like, ‘hmmm, really?’ — just to be polite, you understand — she suddenly narrowed her eyes suspiciously, and said, “Are you even 18?” as if I was some sort of juvenile delinquent trying to scam porn. And really, that was totally not was I was doing. I didn’t even care about the porn. I just wanted to rent Practical Magic, which, I know, is almost as shameful.

But my friends pretty much had to read my nonsensical, pointless yet entertaining ramblings — I would throw little tests out in conversation just to make sure they did. The general public … not so much. So I try to pick subjects that I think will be interesting, like I said before.

Only there are some limitations. Like I spend about 43 hours of my life every week at work, but I can’t write about that. It’d be unprofessional, not to mention, well, boring (Once my family asked me why I spent so much time practicing my typing, you know, because typing and writing look identical to the naked eye).

And then there are other limitations, too, like how there is no mystery in my life. I know who my father is, I’ve never stumbled onto any dead bodies (I leave that to Nancy Drew), and I’m not an international spy (as you well know if you read this space two weeks ago).

What I write about is basically a compartmentalized view of my life, edited to fit a neatly bound package, all for your entertainment. I just happen to have a long history of romantic mishaps that people find entertaining. Hence the slight emphasis on my dating life.

That all said, I am going to share something with you. I thought what I wrote really wouldn’t matter, because (I thought) very few people read this space. Not because it isn’t great, but because it’s fledgling. Cute, even. I figured I could pretty much say whatever I wanted — mold together a voice and whatnot — and it would be fine because no one would read it anyway. Turns out, as is often the case, I was wrong.

Like the other day, there we are, me and my little dog Grover, doing our laps around the building when suddenly, there’s cute apartment guy.

Maybe you remember cute apartment guy, I wrote about him a couple of weeks ago? How I’m not stalking him? How I call him cute apartment guy? How I had some difficulty speaking once when I was around him?

Yes, well, at the time of that writing, someone asked me if I was worried that he would read it. My attitude was basically, tra-la-la, it’s on the web site, it’s up for a day, what are the chances?

Then that column ran in the paper. I did think about the possibility that he might read it, but I had changed some identifying details and I was busy and that was that. Tra-la-la.

So when I saw him after that, I didn’t run away, but I didn’t say anything, either. He, however, did.

“I read your column.”

Shit. Maybe he didn’t realize I was talking about him.

Then he said something about how I thought he was cute.

Double shit. He definitely knows.

Instead of lying or denying the whole thing — I’ll be honest, I was so floored I didn’t even think about it — I said, “How did you know?”

“It wasn’t hard to figure out … did you think I was illiterate?” He was smiling, but it was a tad awkward.

“Uh, no,” I said, “Um, I just thought that I was anonymous.” Because in the paper, I was. Sort of.

And then he goes, “I saw your picture.”

Ah, yes, the picture on the web site. (My sister, on hearing this, asked how I could even consider the possibility that he wouldn’t find out. I told her I’d changed some identifying details, and she pointed out that really, the only details I’d changed were about … my dog. Very clever).

But surprisingly, he didn’t seem all that freaked out. I was way more freaked out than he was; he actually seemed pretty cool about the whole thing. Like, best-case-scenario cool about it.

Regardless, I’ve learned my lesson. People do read this, and sometimes might recognize themselves.

Not that it’s going to change anything. I’m still going to write about whomever I want, even boys (and, by the way, that does not make me desperate); from now on, though, I’ll just disguise them better.

( Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.)

Categories
News News Feature

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

I think perhaps I am going mad. Or maybe everyone else is. It’s hard to tell.

This was my week. Thursday night, I went to the Peabody. There was a Sunset Serenade going on, which I’m sure would have been fun had I been on my way there. As it was, I was just meeting a friend, happened to go up to the rooftop to see if she was there, saw multiple throngs of people heading every which way including toward me in a stampede-like formation, got scared, ducked into the ladies’ room, happened on some woman complaining very loudly about men while smoking a cigarette and fixing her pantyhose, and quickly ducked back into the elevator. Downstairs I found my friend, sat down at a table and began a discussion when a man asked if anyone was using the extra chair at our table.

We quickly said no and waited for him to take the chair away so we could continue our conversation when said man plopped heavily down in said chair still sitting at said table. Despite the lack of another chair, his friend joined us, and I’m pretty sure I caught him looking at my breasts when he had a perfectly good set of his own he could have gawked at instead. Without going into too much detail — I’d rather not relive it if it’s all the same to you — we started out talking about industrial soap and by the end of the 10 minutes, one of those guys was practically accusing us of being narcs.

Okay, so on Friday, my friend and I went to see a delightful little bit of cinema called Josie and the Pussycats. This is in no means a review, but I really enjoyed it. Only, once in line at the Malco theater for tickets, we were told that they didn’t take credit cards. And their cash machine was broken. And no, they didn’t know of another one in the area.

So we go outside, ask a security guard if he knows of a nearby ATM, he doesn’t, then teenage boys make loud, (I guess) sexually suggestive, slurping noises at us, we find a bank (with an ATM) right next door, go back inside, buy our tickets with cash, get coke icees from the concession stand and then head toward the guy who rips the tickets.

At any rate, one of us was holding both tickets, the other had both drinks. For expediency, we had each gone through a line. Anyway, the ticket guy looks at us and says, “Oh, a girl can’t carry her own soda?” I’m not sure how well this is conveyed without tone or the smell of buttered popcorn in the air, but the way he said it, it sounded like there was only one girl there. As in, the other one of us wasn’t a girl. But I’m here to tell you both of us were girls, and I would even go so far to say that both of us look like girls (for partial evidence, see below).

After the movie, we went to eat at an East Memphis theme restaurant where our “tour guide” really wanted us to get the Cuban bread. I don’t know why; he just kept talking about it. For 10 minutes, he went on about what it was made with, how it tasted; whatever he could have said about it, he did. I tuned it out after a while, but he just kept talking. Finally we got our food. You’d think that would have been the end of our static cling waiter, but no. Every few minutes, it was like, “How is your pasta with chicken? Does it fully satisfied you?”

Of course he was just trying to do his job, which I totally respect, but then we wanted to pay separately. Luckily, the restaurant, unlike the movie theater, did take the plastic, so we handed them over and just as our waiter was scampering away, I said, “Just so you know, I’m Mary, and this is Rita.” That way he could put the right check with the right person. “Oh,” he said as he came back to the table and extended his hand, “I’m Alan.”

Um …. nice to meet you. I shook his hand, Rita shook his hand, and I suddenly got the feeling he thought we were trying to hit on him. Not that I have a problem with flirting with the waitstaff. I like flirting with waitstaff. Why do you think I go to restaurants? For the food? No. Because mostly young (and thus, hot) people work there. But this person, whom my friend deemed “our waitron” because of his rather robot-like delivery and social skills, I did not want to date. I just wanted to leave.

Saturday seemed to be a little more sane, except I was at the zoo for their first “It’s a jungle out there” party and there were two people dressed as gorillas that kept running around.

Cricket Wireless’ lime green couch was also there, and you could take a picture on the couch, and the people/person with the best pictures won … something. I don’t know what. At any rate, my friend had this idea that we would win if we both did handstands on the couch. Unfortunately she didn’t realize that I cannot do a handstand. Nor did she realize that she can’t really do a handstand, either. This is how it went down. I devised a plan where I would just kick up my legs in a handstand-like motion and the camera would catch me in mid-air. She would actually do a handstand.

So we’re standing next to the couch and the camera man asked us if we were ready. We said yes, he raised the camera, I kicked up, she kicked up, the couch tipped on two feet, I came down and pulled my back, she flipped over and knocked down the Cricket backdrop.

When we came to, we asked the cameraman if he had gotten it. Apparently it had all happened a little too fast for him. The hecklers in the crowd thought it was funny, though. And then the camera man told us to hurry up — there were other people in line — so we just sat down on the couch for our picture, although I did do my best impression of heroin chic.

Afterwards, as we were hanging around the booth, trying to figure out if we could enter again, and trying to figure out if we had an idea that could win, a girl walked over to us and asked, “Would either of you be open to doing something slightly pornographic on the couch with me?” We both politely declined.

So what do huge crowds of young professionals, a duo of doofuses, a movie theater still operating in medieval times, theme restaurants, possibly mistaken gender, slurping schoolboys, and a slightly pornographic invitation have in common?

I have no idea. I was perplexed by each of these events individually. I certainly can’t make any more sense of them when they’re all together. Maybe this is just the world we live in today, where everyone is half-off their rocker and completely unapologetic about it.

Or maybe not. I just thought I’d share.

( Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.)

Categories
News News Feature

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

A few weeks ago, I spent my entire weekend at Jillian’s. I only went home to eat and sleep, shower, change my clothes, get prettied up again, walk my dog, read a book, watch WB TV shows I taped off Channel 24 late night throughout the week, and do four loads of laundry. Other than that, though, I was at Jillian’s the entire time. I never ate there — having learned last year from Chicago’s ESPNZone that is’ more fun to spend your money on the games than the grub — but I did have several beers (I was there almost 48 hours) and played so many mind games I wondered if I was turning into a boy (that might be unfair, but I’m not retracting).

At any rate, Friday night my friend and I walked in and made a beeline for the skeeball. Why? Because I love skeeball and have ever since Chuck E. Cheese brought its ballpit playground and animatronic dinner theater to my backyard. And because I’m not good at many things, I think I can afford to brag: skeeball is my game, yo.

Turned out to be my friend’s game, too, even moreso than mine. Soon tickets were flowing like the Mississippi after a hard rain and we became hooked, going from game to game, scamming for tickets.

We played basketball, found out that we sucked so much we would never win any tickets there, and didn’t play that again. Same thing with the rifle-firing range (and usually I’m so good with guns). But if we weren’t getting tickets, we weren’t interested.

So there we were, walking around with streamers of tickets hanging out of our jeans pockets and Jillian’s employees kept asking us if we wanted to trade them in for a voucher. But that’s no fun, walking around with a receipt. You win tickets so other people can see you’ve won tickets. It’s cool (not to mention that several people saw all of our tickets and gave us theirs).

But maybe it wasn’t as cool as we thought. People, mostly girls (and I could be making this up, because I’m paranoid, but I don’t think so), kept looking at us funny, as if the whole point of Jillian’s wasn’t to play games, and win tickets, and overstimulate all your senses. Although I don’t know what else it would be — fighting the crowd at the bar and drinking yourself into a stupor?

We ended up walking out of there with stamp rings, slinkies, fake tattoos, whoopee cushions, fuzzy pens, bubbles, and bottle openers Not a bad way to end an evening (I can think of others, but as it was, I was happy). The next night was sort of a let-down. Mostly because I already had all the prizes that I wanted and there didn’t seem to be any reason to win tickets. Instead, I played car games and air hockey and virtual bowling (but not basketball). And it was fun, but it wasn’t a rip-roaring, rollicking good time. Something was missing.

Which brings me to a side story. My gym, which shall remain nameless because I sweat there, started an incentive program that basically amounts to a kindergarden star chart. Every time you work out, you give yourself a dot on a chart on the wall. After so many workouts, you win a tee-shirt.

Now I do not want a tee-shirt. Let’s be honest, unless it’s sleeveless and skims my navel, I’m not interested. But even taking that into account, I became obsessed with the whole program. I rearranged my schedule; I went to the gym whenever possible. And I’m proud to say that this week I finished.

Okay, actually, as of this writing, I’m not quite done. I have one workout left. But I will finish. Oh yes, if by Sunday, the last day of the program, I haven’t gotten my last dot and I am on my deathbed, fever of 107 degrees, mucus oozing out every pore, I will somehow stagger onto the treadmill (actually, if I were on my deathbed, I would go to the gym, put my dot on the wall, and then slink back to bed. And I have very high morals, this is how important this is to me).

The sad part is that somewhere along the way It stopped being about physical fitness. It was all about the dot. (Actually it was also sorta about trying to look like Lara Croft before the movie comes out. People have told me before that I bear a passing resemblance to Angelina Jolie — you know if I’m in a very dim room, and I turn my head 45 degrees to the left, and do a sort of surly face, I’m a dead ringer.) I figured if I could kick up the gym-going a notch, people would start mistaking me for her at restaurants and I’d get all the good tables — not that I really know what a “good” table is — and everyone would fall in love with me and life would be grand. But because that goal is a tad unrealistic, it was more about the dots.) That’s even how I thought of it: I’m going to the gym to get my dot.

This is all to say, never underestimate the power of incentives. Oh, and that the next time I go to Jillian’s (probably this weekend. I can’t seem to stay away — I think I may have been hypnotized by all the flashing lights), I’m going to win all the tickets I can and I’m going to wave them in people’s faces if they look at me funny. And then I’m going to redeem every single one of them. (The tickets, that is; not the people. I’m certainly no Billy Graham).

But I don’t plan on doing that because I want people to look at me, or think that I’m some sort of skeeball master (although they wouldn’t be wrong in thinking that), but because I like having something to show for what I do, whether it’s tickets, or check marks, or even . . . free tee-shirts.

I might never wear it, but at least I’ll know that I earned it.

( Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.)

Categories
Opinion

Karmic Relations

I was raised a Catholic. I went to church every Sunday, religious education every Wednesday, and ice cream socials every summer. These days I’ve lapsed, which basically means that I can’t get out of bed on Sundays. I want to, I do, but it is just physically impossible.

This, I’ve found, makes me more open to other religions. One Friday, my friend and I were hopping from restaurant to restaurant, hoping that somewhere had a wait less than three hours long. Eventually, we were seated so far in a corner that our waitress had to use a mirror on a stick to take our orders. Needless to say (as I did not have a mirror on a stick), scoping out the other diners for possible dates was out of the question. So my friend and I had to resort to talking instead.

After an hour or so, our food was still lost in the kitchen and we had run out of her gossip, my gossip, celebrity gossip, and political gossip and had resorted to talking about spiritual matters: in particular, dating karma. If you cheat, love too much, love too little, or lie, does it come back to you in kind?

Now, if that’s the rule of the universe, I’m in trouble. It’s not that I’ve been a raging bitch to my past likes, loves, and lusts, it’s just that, well, I have icewater in my veins. And that can’t bode well with karma.

After dinner, my friend headed off to hang out with her boyfriend (obviously her karma is much better than mine. But what can I say? She’s Hindu, so it’s more her bag), and I sauntered off to the Hi-Tone to drink a beer and listen to a band. I was ignoring everyone in the crowd until a man directly behind me tried to get my attention. I turned and raised my hand and hit him in the face.

(Last time this happened I was at Young Avenue Deli and the guy trying to talk to me was rather intoxicated, the music was rather loud, and as he came in close to yell something witty in my ear, the bill of his cap hit me in the eye. And it hurt, so I raised my hand, ostensibly to keep my eyeball from falling out, and instead slapped him across the face, and that was the end of that.)

But this guy wasn’t fazed and offered to buy me a drink. I could say it was a nice gesture, but I would just be saying that to make myself look good. He looked a bit older than me and he had that smooth sort of veneer that makes me cringe. Plus, I already had a beer, so I excused myself. Okay, I didn’t really excuse myself; I just turned around and walked away.

The next day I was out walking my dog around my apartment building. Now there happens to be this cute guy who lives in the building. And let me just say for the record, I am not stalking him. I haven’t changed my daily routine or used binoculars or gone through his trash.

But I am keeping an eye on him. The importance of face time should never be underestimated. If someone doesn’t know you’re alive, it’s very difficult to get busy with said person.

So I’m in the parking lot with little Fluffy and there he is, cute apartment guy, bearing down upon us.

“Can I pet your puppy?” he asked.

My puppy is friendlier than Kathie Lee Gifford on speed. She regularly throws her entire body upon my neighbors; she has french-kissed my postman; she has french-kissed me. There was no way this guy was getting out of petting her, not when he was within leash range. But I couldn’t tell him that.

I couldn’t tell him that, because suddenly I had forgotten how to speak. Nothing would come out. Not “She’d love that.” Not “Go right ahead.” Not “Yes.”

No, I just stood there, in my sweatshirt and early Saturday morning makeup (read: makeup left over from Friday night) and smiled weakly.

Finally, after an unusually long silence (I’m not kidding about this; he probably thought I was mute) I blurted out, “Didn’t you used to drive a blue car?” Immediately I thought, Damn. Now he’s going to think I’m stalking him. Which, as I have said before, I’m not.

“Yeah, I just bought that one last week,” he said and gestured behind him. Meanwhile my mind is racing:Tell him you’re a journalist. Tell him you’re trained in observation. Tell him you have a photographic memory. Tell him something!

But what did I say? “Oh, I thought you had just repainted it.”

Well, that pretty much ruined the moment, and he went his way and I went mine. It might have just been my own ineptitude. But there’s that other option: Should I take this as a sign that karma does exist? Because he’s cute, but he isn’t that cute. Certainly not speechless, tongue-swollen-in-mouth cute.

I guess from here on I’m going to try an experiment: I’m going to actually try and be nice to people. It’s going to take a lot of work, but it’s been something my mother has been saying I need to do for years. And if it comes back to me in kind, well, I might think about converting. Then again, would that mean I’d have to get up on Sundays? Because, like I said, I just can’t do it.

Read the latest installment of Falling into Disgraceland Fridays at www.memphisflyer.com.

Categories
Cover Feature News

A Dog’s Life

One evening last January, Brenda Grant was on her way home from work when she got a call from her daughter. An animal-control officer was at their house and trying to take the family’s three dogs.

When Grant arrived home a short while later, there were four police cars surrounding the house; her daughter was sitting in the back of one of them. Grant’s dogs were in an animal-control vehicle.

According to an elderly neighbor, Grant’s 14-year-old daughter and the animal-control officer had gotten into a verbal confrontation, and when the officer tried to enter the house to get the dog she had seen running loose in the front yard, Grant’s daughter shoved her arm out of the doorway. The officer at some point decided to take all three dogs, even the two that were still chained in the backyard.

Grant was issued a ticket for having two dogs running at large and for four dogs without licenses or vaccinations. She was also issued a Juvenile Court summons for her daughter. But Brenda Grant’s ordeal was far from over.

Grant called the Memphis Animal Shelter and was told that impounded animals were held for three days for the owner and then were held another seven if deemed suitable for adoption. Because she works two jobs, she had a friend call and ask as well, just to make sure she knew the timetable.

According to Grant, her dogs were taken on Wednesday night. She remembers because she doesn’t work on Tuesdays, and at the time she thought about calling her mother but remembered she’d be at the church she attends on Wednesdays. Her ticket, however, handwritten by the animal-control officer, says the date was Tuesday, January 23rd.

Depending on who you believe, Saturday would have been either the dogs’ third or fourth day at the shelter. Grant, her mother, and a friend arrived at 10 a.m. Saturday, the time the shelter opens to the public. They found their dogs, took the cards off the cages — tags used to identify each dog with date impounded, date due out, sex, and breed — and went to the front to pay. They stood in line for 10 to 15 minutes before getting to the window and giving the tags to the man at the counter.

“He called back to the back and then said into the phone, ‘You’re kidding.’ And then he looked at me and said, ‘They’ve already been put down,'” says Grant.

“They had removed my dogs from cages that had no tags on them and put them to sleep while we were in line waiting to pay the fines and take them home.”

The Memphis Animal Shelter is a squat gray brick building near the airport on Tchulahoma Road. Inside it sounds as if the very hounds of hell have been unleashed — the barking is ear-splittingly continuous. The smell is a combination of warm bodies, wet fur, fear, and ammonia. And it seems as if in almost every inch of space is a kennel or a cage with one or two animals inside, watching everyone who passes by.

R. Kenneth Childress has been the shelter’s manager since 1991; before that he worked with humane societies in Orlando and Washington state. He says that by city ordinance a stray animal — any animal not surrendered by the owner at the shelter — has 72 hours, or three days, for the owner to claim it.

“You don’t count the first day, you don’t count the last day, and you don’t count any days that we are closed,” says Childress.

He says that Grant came in one day after the holding period but acknowledges that things like that can and have happened.

“Saturday is a bad day for us, and they didn’t do euthanasia before the shelter opened one time and a similar situation happened. It’s just one of those things,” says Childress. “Because euthanasia is such a part of the daily routine here. It’s picking the wrong animal. It’s not verifying the numbers.

“None of the people can put an animal to sleep if none of that works. They have to come get a supervisor and have it signed off, but it doesn’t prevent accidents from happening. It doesn’t prevent the officer who picks up your dog today, on the 17th, to put down the 16th. And if the dog was entered on the 16th, and you come in Saturday to get it, it wouldn’t be here.

“On the other side of the coin, from a technician’s and the shelter’s point of view, life goes on. You don’t even expect [the owners] to come get [the animals] the majority of the time.”

Grant says that no one ever apologized, but instead she was told that animal control had been out to the house on numerous occasions. “Bottom line, they put the blame on me,” she says.

“I’ve lost a lot of faith in the system. The card is there for them to know what dog to get. Without the card, why did they even take them?”

Incidents like this one, as well as stories much worse, have kept humane and animal-rescue groups concerned about what’s going on inside the city-run facility. Although many local group members would not go on the record for fear of repercussions from the shelter administration, rumors involving animal mistreatment at the shelter — if not outright cruelty — abound within the circle of rescue workers.

Grant’s three dogs were just a few of the 16,000 impounded by the shelter each year. That averages out to 1,300 per month or about 44 per day. Most of these animals never leave the shelter. Because of irresponsible pet owners as well as the shelter’s shortcomings in organization, policy, and community outreach, about 1,100 animals are destroyed every month.

Last year, the shelter went through a thorough evaluation of everything from administrative practices to the outside appearance of the building. And now shelter officials, still investigating a payroll problem discovered in late January, say they’re in the process of changing for the better. But can an old dog learn new tricks?

HOUNDS IN HELL

Over 20 years ago, Beverly King founded the Animal Protection Association of Memphis (APA) because of something her sister told her. Members of a humane society in South Carolina had been trying to outlaw a euthanasia device they considered inhumane. King found out that the Memphis shelter used the same device and began a campaign against it that eventually led to the 1980 Tennessee Dog and Cat Humane Death Act.

Meanwhile, the group remained involved with the shelter. During the next 20 years they helped organize and run the “low cost” and “almost free” spay and neuter programs at the shelter.

A few years ago, they started hearing about something that chilled them to the bone. In 1997, the animal shelter in West Memphis, Arkansas, was short-staffed. Sherrie Beede was that shelter’s worker charged with the task of bringing Arkansas’ strays to the Memphis Animal Shelter for euthanasia.

“I said, ‘Sherrie, this will be a good experience,'” says Julanne Ingram, the president of the Humane Society of East Arkansas, a group that works within the West Memphis shelter. Ingram assumed Beede would learn how other shelters did the lethal procedure. Instead, says Ingram, “she came back absolutely horrified.”

Beede declined to be interviewed for this article, as did Memphis Animal Shelter employees. However, in a signed statement from 1997, Beede said, “Every time I carried puppies or cats, they were always given an IC [intracardiac] injection with no sedation beforehand. The animals would holler, but no one ever came back to check on what was happening.” After being injected, the statement continues, she saw puppies get off the floor and flop around for about 15 minutes before dying.

Ingram called Grace Thompson, then-president of the APA, who called Childress and Memphis Director of Public Services and Neighborhoods Donnie Mitchell.

The animal activists were told it did not happen and that Beede did not know what she was seeing. “But,” says Ingram, “an animal is either sedated or it’s not.”

An IC or intracardiac injection is delivered directly into the animal’s heart, where it is pumped immediately to the brain. Of the different types of pentobarbital injections — intravenous, intracardiac, intraperitoneal, and intraheptic, injected into the veins, heart, abdomen, and liver, respectively — the intracardiac is the fastest-acting yet is also one of the most difficult to perform. According to the Handbook of Pentobarbital Euthanasia, a guidebook with input from the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA), “an injection into a conscious animal’s chest is stressful and undoubtedly painful, especially if the technician is unable to locate the heart on the first attempt. For this reason, an IC injection should be administered only to an animal that is already unconscious.”

Rumors of other incidents continued to proliferate: dogs with obvious medical conditions — broken hips or puncture wounds still oozing blood — being ignored; a dog being stepped on to complete a failed euthanasia attempt; animals that were being put down before their time was officially up; others that would simply “disappear.” And it was hard not to notice shelter employees hosing cages down to clean them while the animals shivered inside.

In January 1999 the APA asked Donnie Mitchell if the shelter could go through a National Animal Control Association (NACA) evaluation. The group cited a list of problems that they had observed “as ongoing” at the shelter during the previous two to three years, including various problems with security, housing, sanitation, food, euthanasia, and violations of city and state cruelty codes.

“We kept seeing things go wrong,” says King. “Donnie Mitchell didn’t know about NACA. We said, ‘This is what they do. APA will pay.'” Mitchell agreed, and the city and the APA split the cost.

Around the same time, though, the shelter in Marion, Arkansas, was also training a technician.

“She came to our shelter to get some hands-on training in euthanasia,” says Ingram. “She said, ‘I’m just stunned. It’s so quiet.'” Ingram asked her what she meant and the woman explained that they, too, had been taking their animals to the Memphis shelter for euthanasia.

“She said, ‘There is no way for me to describe what they do. It’s horrendous. They were just sticking unsedated puppies.'”

Because animals are different sizes and breeds, finding the heart is not always easy. If the animal is sedated, it makes it relatively easier for both the technician and the animal. But if animals are scared, unsedated, and trying to move around, it can take numerous tries before the injection finds its target.

Ingram scheduled a meeting that included the Arkansas trainee, Ken Childress, Donnie Mitchell, Keenon McCloy (deputy director of the Division of Public Services and Neighborhoods), and several witnesses.

After the meeting Mitchell issued a statement reading in part: “Ingram’s group told Ms. McCloy and Mr. Childress that six months or a year before, one of the Marion, Arkansas, employees had witnessed one of our employees heart-sticking a dog without anesthetizing it first. Upon hearing this allegation, I immediately investigated the matter and issued a directive to all animal shelter employees that under no circumstance should an animal be euthanized in that manner.”

NACA UNEARTHS A BONE

NACA is a non-profit organization based in Kansas City, Missouri. Started in 1978, its primary focus has always been training people in animal control. In 1993, however, they started doing program evalutions at shelters around the country and now visit about 10 shelters a year.

Johnnie Mays, the executive director of the association, and one of his staff members spent about a week at the Memphis Animal Shelter last year, conducting interviews with staff and community members and watching the day-to-day activities of the shelter.

“Our job is to point out the strengths and weaknesses,” says Mays.

NACA evaluated the shelter’s physical structure, administration, field operations, procedures, and community relations. Then they listed over 100 items they felt the shelter could improve upon, rating them as either a 1 (an immediate need), a 2 (should be implemented in 3-6 months), or a 3 (should be implemented in 6-12 months).

“Overcrowding was a problem. They need more room,” Mays says when asked about his general impressions of the shelter. “There were also some staffing issues. They were short-staffed both in the field and in the kennel.”

NACA also reported that animals routinely stay in the kennels while the kennels are hosed down, due in part to the understaffing. It rated this situation a 1, adding that animals should be moved while the kennels are being cleaned. The report acknowledged that such a change would increase staff cleaning time but would help prevent the spread of disease.

As for Brenda Grant’s situation, in which her dogs were put down while she waited to pay for their release, the audit suggests this could happen to anyone: “On one occasion, a staff member was unable to confirm the proper identification of an animal scheduled for euthanasia. This situation was brought to the attention of a supervisor, who ‘signed off’ on the euthanasia without determining the correct animal had been selected.

“Animals are frequently euthanized prior to the shelter opening for the public in the morning. Although these animals may be eligible for adoption on their fourth day (or even had a potential adopter assigned to it), some animals are not given the opportunity to be placed in a new home. A few citizens interviewed stated that they had traveled to the Animal Shelter on the fourth day of an animal’s impoundment, hoping to adopt a specific animal, then discovered that it had been euthanized.”

And although Childress says that euthanasia is performed only in the morning, the study team was told that it is performed any time the shelter needs more space.

But perhaps the most shocking part of the audit was that NACA reported seeing the same thing that had horrified the rescue groups: animals being given intracardiac injections without anesthetic.

“During the course of the on-site study, workers were observed on several occasions performing IC injections on alert dogs and cats (these animals were not offered any anesthetizing agent prior to the lethal injection),” said the audit. NACA added a side note saying that it, the AVMA, and the HSUS all agree that intracardiac injections should never be performed on alert animals.

After he got the report, Childress says he called NACA to double-check the finding. Then he met with the staff.

“I said, ‘Having somebody from the inspection team there, why would anybody not follow protocol? I was nonplussed. It was outrageous,” says Childress.

To ensure it wouldn’t happen again, the shelter manager added another person to do euthanasia and gave the technicians more time so they wouldn’t feel rushed. And the person Childress suspects as being the one NACA saw doing IC injections no longer works at the facility.

“Shelter workers try to detach themselves from that, but you’ve got to be careful,” says Childress, “because all of a sudden you get out of sync and instead of being caring anymore, you just have a disregard. And that’s a common problem with shelters everywhere.”

Mays also has a possible reason why the IC injections had been done without sedation.

“It used to be a common practice in this business several years ago. Typically, it’s an issue of lack of training,” says Mays. “I don’t see it as people doing it intentionally [to be cruel].”

Before the NACA evaluation, most of the training at the shelter was on-the-job, with a one-day orientation before beginning work. Euthanasia is done by certified technicians who have completed three days of training.

After reporting that “some field personnel have very little confidence in their own animal-handling techniques,” and that the catch-pole, a device used to restrain wild or aggressive animals, was overused, NACA observed that “increased training in animal behavior and capture technique is needed.”

“Training is too often viewed as a luxury and is thus often the target of budget-cutting initiatives. It is also common for supervisory and mid-management personnel to complain about the scheduling of in-service training because it pulls people out of the field,” said the NACA audit.

But even though extensive and continuous training could solve most of the shelter’s problems, there is one that will remain: the sheer volume of animals impounded by the shelter each year. And that problem in turn causes others — such as overcrowding — that cannot be corrected so easily.

“The volume of animals — it’s unbelievable,” says Mitchell. “It’s so many and we’re moving so fast, some of them get euthanized early.”

Sixty percent of the roughly 16,000 animals the shelter impounds a year are strays. The rest come from pet owners who, for whatever reason, surrender them to the system.

“People ask how we can reduce euthanasia. I’ll tell you right now,” says Childress. “I can reduce it by 40 percent. We can just not take in all the pets from the owners who don’t want their animals anymore.”

“Animal control is just treating a symptom,” adds Childress, “a symptom of irresponsible pet ownership.” To him, the public sees animal control as the villains for putting the animals to sleep. What they don’t see is where the problem comes from in the first place. They don’t see the people who have not spayed or neutered their pets, or the ones who don’t train their pets when they’re young, so that later the animal develops behavioral problems and has to be put to sleep.

“If you asked everybody what causes pollution, they’ll say, well, ‘Exxon,’ or ‘all these chemical companies,'” says Childress. “But you know who causes pollution?” he asks. “We all do.”

CHANGING THEIR SPOTS

After receiving a copy of NACA’s evaluation and suggested implementation plan for the shelter, Childress began a training program wherein experienced members of the staff, with Childress co-training, teach their co-workers.

“The training side was where a lot of things fell through,” says Childress. “[The new training program] is probably one of the best things we’ve done here.”

Not that it’s been easy.

“When you run shifts and you run a 24-hour operation and you don’t have enough people to begin with, you’re stretched. And we’ve not done training for a long period of time, so making a commitment to do it was a big leap,” says Childress. But it’s something to which shelter officials say they are committed.

The shelter also plans to make another big leap in a few years — into a new facility. The city has appropriated $7.7 million for the plan over the next two years and Mitchell says they’re currently trying to find a suitable location, as well as looking at other shelters around the country.

The current facility on Tchulahoma was built in the 1970s on 10 acres of the airport’s land. It has about 150 kennels and almost 200 cages and runs at 100 percent capacity most of the year.

“It’s the pits,” says Childress. “We can’t really do anything else about it.” Recently, they finished about $100,000 worth of work on one wing of the shelter, including new kennels and benches for animals to sit on while the cages are being cleaned.

“We just went to San Francisco,” says Mitchell. “That’s the place area rescue people say to go to.” The city has two shelters, one of them run by the SPCA that will take any treatable animals the other shelter, run by city animal control, is not able to place. Mitchell says he is interested in implementing a happy medium between the two.

“We want to move from being a shelter that’s just warehousing animals,” says Mitchell.

Childress agrees. “The concept when they built this shelter is going to be different from what our concept is going to be when we build a new shelter.” Instead of just a place to house stray animals, Childress wants a place where people will feel comfortable coming and adopting a pet.

“We want to get a larger share of the animals going into homes in our community. We’re going to try to focus on that.” Childress says that they’re thinking about working more closely with volunteers and rescue groups in the future to help with adoption outreaches.

And in the plans for the new facility Mitchell is also looking for input from animal-rescue groups. He says that together they can come up with a system that works.

“We’re not going to run the same type of operation,” says Mitchell. “We have work to do, and we plan to do it.”

You can e-mail Mary Cashiola at cashiola@memphisflyer.com.

Categories
News News Feature

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

I was raised a Catholic. I went to church every Sunday, religious education every Wednesday, and ice cream socials every summer. These days I’m lapsed, which basically means that I can’t get out of bed on Sundays. I want to, I do, but it is just physically impossible.

This, I’ve found, makes me more open to other religions. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I was out in Overton Square doing my best to look available but not desperate. Unfortunately, I wasn’t doing a very good job; because I was starving and sometimes looking hungry and looking desperate look a lot a like. My friend and I were hopping from restaurant to restaurant, looking for a place with a wait of less than three hours. Eventually, we were seated so far in a corner that our waitress had to use a mirror on a stick to take our orders. Needless to say (as I did not have said mirror on stick), scoping out the other diners for possible dates was out of the question. So my friend and I had to resort to talking instead.

After an hour or so, our food was still lost in the kitchen somewhere and we had run out of her gossip, my gossip, celebrity gossip, and political gossip, and had resorted to talking about spiritual matters: in particular, dating karma. If you cheat, love too much, love too little, or lie, does it come back to you in kind?

Now, if that’s the rule of the universe, I’m in trouble. It’s not that I’ve been a raging bitch to my past likes, loves, and lusts, it’s just that, well, I have ice water in my veins. And that can’t bode well with karma.

After dinner, my friend headed off to hang out with her boyfriend (obviously her karma is much better than mine. But what can I say? She’s Hindu, so it’s more her bag.) and I sauntered off to the Hi-Tone to drink a beer and listen to a band. I was ignoring everyone in the crowd (like I said, veins, ice water) until a man directly behind me tried to get my attention. I turned and raised my hand (I don’t know why) and hit him in the face.

(Which, sadly, I’ve done before. Of course the last time it happened was at Young Avenue Deli and it made a little more sense. The guy trying to talk to me was rather intoxicated, the music was rather loud, and as he came in close to yell some witty something in my ear, the bill of his cap hit me in the eye. And it hurt, so I raised my hand, ostensibly to keep my eyeball from falling out, and instead slapped him across the face. Or . . . geez, I might have stuck my finger up his nose. Or both. I can’t really remember. At any rate, that was the end of that.)

But this guy wasn’t fazed by my lack of grace and offered to buy me a drink. I could say it was a nice gesture, but I would just be saying that to make myself look good. He looked a bit older than me, and he had that smooth sort of veneer that, I’m sorry, makes me cringe. Plus, I already had a beer. So I shook my head and turned back to the music.

Then he asked where I was from. “Here,” I said, the lie rolling off my tongue like silk. Where are you from?

“Here,” he said.

I could have asked what he did or if he liked the band, but I wasn’t interested and I had to go to the bathroom. So I excused myself. Okay, I didn’t really excuse myself; I just turned around and walked away (I told you, ice water).

The next day I was out walking my dog around my apartment building’s parking lot. Now there happens to be this cute guy who lives in the building. And let me just say for the record, I am not stalking him. I haven’t changed my daily routine or used binoculars or gone through his trash.

I’m not stalking him, but I am keeping an eye on him. You have to be ready for that magical moment when the lighting is perfect and you’re both looking fabulous, and your eyes meet and it all falls into place. And the importance of face time should never be underestimated. If someone doesn’t know you’re alive, it’s very difficult to get busy with said person (unless they’re necrophiliacs, but that’s something entirely different and not altogether what I’m into).

So I’m in the parking lot with little Fluffy and she’s chasing sycamore balls and I’m dancing around. And then I look up and there he is, cute apartment guy, bearing down upon us.

“Can I pet your puppy?” he asked.

Now, my puppy is friendlier than Kathie Lee Gifford on speed. She regularly throws her entire body upon my neighbors; she has french kissed my postman; she has french kissed me.

There was no way he was getting out of petting her, not when he was within leash range. But I couldn’t tell him that.

I couldn’t tell him that, because suddenly I had forgotten how to speak. Nothing would come out. Not, “She’d love that.” Not, “Go right ahead.” Not, “Yes.”

No, I just stood there, in my sweatshirt and early Saturday morning makeup (read: makeup left over from Friday night) and smiled weakly.

Finally, after an unusually long silence (I’m not kidding about this; he probably thought I was mute) I blurt out, “Didn’t you used to drive a blue car?” Immediately I thought, Damn. Now he’s going to think I’m stalking him. Which, as I have said before, I’m not.

“Yeah, I just bought that one last week,” he says and gestured behind him. Meanwhile my mind is racing: Tell him you’re a journalist. Tell him you’re trained in observation. Tell him you have a photographic memory. Tell him something!

But what do I say? “Oh, I thought you had just repainted it.”

Well, that pretty much ruined the moment, not like it had even been magical, and he went his way and I went mine. It might have just been my own ineptitude. But there’s that other option: should I take this as a sign that karma does exist? Because he’s cute, but he isn’t that cute. Certainly not speechless, tongue-swollen-in-mouth cute.

I guess from here on in I’m going to try an experiment: I’m going to actually try and be nice to people. It’s going to take a lot of work, but it’s been something my mother has been saying I need to do for years. And if it comes back to me in kind, well, I might think about converting. Then again, would that mean I’d have to get up on Sundays? Because like I said, I just can’t do it.

Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.

Categories
News News Feature

FALLING INTO DISGRACELAND

I’ll be honest. I usually listen to Howard Stern on the radio. I don’t know why; I guess I’m just retarded. Every so often, however, I pull my brain out of the gutter and listen to NPR. You know, just so my mind doesn’t rot completely.

So the other day I’m in the car, and they’re talking about extradition for 50 Russian spies working in this country under diplomatic immunity. Maybe you heard about it: this American guy was spying (on us) and now we’re embroiled in some sort of Cold War spy trade, kicking all the spy/diplomats out. (Appearantly, you can’t write “spy” on your work visa. You have to write “diplomat.”)

At any rate, the interview went on to say that these spying “diplomats” gather their intelligence in a number of ways: from public records or newspapers; from walk-ins, people who basically show up somewhere (the nearest embassy?) and volunteer to rat out their country; and from recruits.

To recruit people (hold on, I’ll get to my point), the radio said that the spy/diplomats go to bars and other social events (diplomatic cocktail parties? diplomatic immunity challenges?) and chat up their targets into betraying highly classified government documents.

The whole thing bothered me for a few reasons. One)We let spies in as diplomats? Two)What do they learn from newspapers? Everyone is on the web now, you’d think they could just log on and save the expense of creating a fake identity for someone and sending them across the world. And three) and most importantly, spies can go to bars and “pick up” people to commit treason against their country? I go to bars and can’t even get a date. What is wrong with this country? Treason is a criminal offense. I’m not even a misdemeanor.

I console myself with the fact that the spies probably went to spy school to learn the fine art of chatting up a potential mole, whereas I went to Northwestern. Northwestern, as far as I know, does not have a course on how to talk to potential mates or potential moles. They do have a department on speech pathology, but I never registered for any of those classes and do not think they would be very helpful in my current situation anyway, unless I was trying to meet someone with a stutter. But I digress.

I also console myself with the fact that the spies probably bring up some sort of dollar amount in talks with the mole. Luckily, I haven’t had to resort to that yet.

Still, though, I think those spies must be regular social butterflies. Because how do you bring the subject up? “Hey, wanna tell me about your country’s top-level secrets, you know, the ones you’re not even supposed to share with your family?”

For instance, the other night I was out hobnobbing. Not with diplomatic spies. I mean, at least I don’t think so. But I was hanging with the sort of crowd I would assume that diplomatic spies would want to chat up and certainly a more refined and cultured crowd than I’m used to. (Back at the trailer, our idea of culture was when we rented movies from Blockbuster rather than the grocery store).

The point is that it was hard to strike up a conversation (it didn’t help any that I had only remembered to shave one of my legs or that I was feeding my face). My friend and I were all, “What do you…” “How do you…” “Why do you…” etc. And the conversation kept sputtering along then stopping, sputtering then stopping. Really, awkward pause after awkward pause. I can just imagine if we said something like, “Hey, why don’t you tell me about so-and-so and I’ll give you some money. How would that be?” We would have been chased out by a mob wielding hot shish kebabs. The very idea.

So the only thing I can think of? I’m going to have to apply to spy school, as soon as I figure out where one is, and learn how to talk to the crowds. Maybe then I can get a date, and hopefully, a well-connected one at that.

Mary Cashiola writes about life every Friday @ memphisflyer.com. You’re invited to come along.