Author: Michael Finger

Representatives from Bass Pro Shops announce they will come to Memphis to perform “due diligence” on The Pyramid — in other words, take a close look at the facility before deciding if they can open a mega-store there. Much time has passed since we first dangled the bait before this company, so we hope it all works out and we won’t have to gripe about the big one that got away.

When a police officer investigating stolen auto parts knocked on the door of an apartment in the airport area, a dog charged out, released by the owners. The officer fired at the animal but missed and shot himself in the foot. The dog wasn’t injured, the owners of the property were quickly arrested, and we’re glad our man in blue wasn’t injured more severely. But we still don’t understand how this happened, or how he was aiming. Was the dog a Chihuahua?

Every day, firefighters risk their lives to put out fires and save lives, threatened by flames, smoke, and falling debris. Now they have something else to worry about. Greg Cravens

After controlling a fire at an apartment in Raleigh, a fireman was inspecting the adjacent residence for damage when he was shot — by a bullet fired through the wall from a gun stored in the closet of the next-door apartment. Nobody is sure what made the pistol go off, but now we have to add gunfire to their list of on-the-job hazards.

Comcast customers along Lamar lost their cable service last week, and technicians soon found the cause: Someone had split an overhead line with a bullet. We doubt anybody is that good a shot, so it was probably an accident caused by all the guns fired in the air on New Year’s Eve. This is Memphis, after all. Happy New Year, everybody!

Greg Cravens

In February, a Millington man has his wife arrested when she throws him the TV remote control a bit harder than expected. After he complains, they get into a tussle, and she dumps him out of bed. Police come and arrest the woman for assault. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we can think of the perfect gift for this woman: bail.

Greg Cravens

An ultrasound confirms in the spring that the Zoo’s panda Ya Ya is indeed about to become a Ma Ma. Pandas rarely give birth in captivity, so if all goes well, the cub would be one of about a dozen pandas ever born in the United States. Meanwhile, the proud papa should be handing out cigars. What? Artificial insemination? Oh. Well, maybe whoever used the syringe — or however the heck they do it (we really don’t want to know) can do the honors.

Greg Cravens

Agents with the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency — in an undercover sting with the deadly accurate title of “Operation Striking Distance” — make arrests throughout the state in July and confiscate more than 100 poisonous reptiles. The catch includes vipers, copperheads, rattlesnakes, and even something called a monocled cobra, whose bite can kill an adult in less than 15 minutes. Look, with all the murders, shootings, and stabbings around here, we really don’t need snakes to make our city more dangerous.

Greg Cravens

Also in July, former state senator Kathryn Bowers, one of many nabbed in the Tennessee Waltz sting, pleads guilty to bribery to avoid a trial. With so many of our politicians heading to prison, perhaps we should take their mug shots when they are elected, just to save time.

Greg Cravens

During October, gunmen pick the wrong fellow to rob when they try to hold up a carpenter in Cordova. The victim was building a fence, and when the men told him to “Stick ’em up” he just followed their orders and picked up his pneumatically powered nail gun and starting firing. The men ran off, ducking nails the whole way, but were nabbed later. They were lucky he wasn’t using a chain saw.

A Memphis Light, Gas and Water official testifies for a Senate subcommittee that a major earthquake here could cause $15 billion in damage to the utility alone and MLGW customers would be “seriously inconvenienced.” Those who are still alive, he means.

Greg Cravens

Holiday shopping is upon us, and that brings with it all the traditions we hold so dear: Christmas carols playing over the stores’ loudspeakers. Tinsel and garland draped everywhere. Santa Claus making appearances in all the malls. And police in security towers keeping a sharp eye on the parking lots. We’ve gotten used to cameras spying on us at banks and Germantown intersections; now we’ve got “big brother” watching us when we shop.

A local furniture store offers an unusual promotion. The cost of any chairs, sofas, dining tables — you name it — will be fully refunded if the University of Memphis men’s basketball team wins the national championship. Earlier this year, a New England furniture store made a similar bet on the Red Sox winning the 2007 World Series. Let’s hope this one plays out the same way.

Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines has declared the “West Memphis Three” — three men convicted of the 1993 murders of three boys in Crittenden County — innocent. No word yet on when Toby Keith will announce they are still very guilty.

Thousands of teenyboppers drag their parents to the sold-out Hannah Montana concert at FedExForum. Who on earth is Hannah Montana? Why, she’s the sensational superstar daughter of mullet-sporting country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, but Hannah’s not her real name, you see. Her real name is Miley Cyrus, and she’s in this Disney TV series where she plays a rock star who masquerades as a high school student, and — oh, forget it. We don’t understand it either.

Greg Cravens

Just before the property went on the auction block, Justin Timberlake’s family decided to purchase the Big Creek golf course. We think that’s a smart move and a wise investment. The Timberlakes certainly can’t count on Justin’s money. Sure, he can sing and dance and write hit songs and all that, but he’s just a flash in the pan. Kinda like Hannah Montana. A golf course near Millington is a much safer bet.

Mid-South Fair officials plan to hear proposals from developers in Tunica, Mississippi, and Marion, Arkansas, who hope the annual event will relocate to their communities. Look, we know the name is “Mid-South,” but it would be a real shame if this event left Memphis. Let those folks get their own fairs.

Five men rob a yogurt shop in Bartlett and speed away. There’s just one problem: They are driving a bright-orange convertible, which is just about the most conspicuous vehicle they might have chosen, and it shows up on surveillance tapes. All five suspects are quickly arrested. No word on who selected the car for their caper.

After three seasons, Ole Miss finally fires head football coach Ed Orgeron. His tenure at the school was a disaster. This year the team — at one time a Southeastern Conference powerhouse — lost every SEC matchup, and Coach O’s career finally got scrambled for good when the Rebels lost the Egg Bowl on Friday 17-14 to their in-state rival Mississippi State.

A new doughnut shop opens in Atoka, just north of Memphis. Not so unusual, except it’s owned and operated by two former Memphis police officers. Well, you’ve got to go with your strengths.

With the holidays approaching, shoppers are buying more gift cards than ever before. A Commercial Appeal story quotes some fellow with the Shopping Center Group, who says that merchants especially like the cards because: “The best thing that happens for retailers is Grandma loses that gift card and never uses it. That’s pure profit.” Now that’s the Christmas spirit, isn’t it, Grandma?

New federal sentencing guidelines may mean early release for hundreds of Mid-South prisoners arrested for possession of crack cocaine. While we are all for rehabilitation and releasing inmates charged with nonviolent crimes, we’re really not so sure the best place to start is with convicted crackheads.

Collierville is installing traffic cameras. Town officials stress that their equipment isn’t designed to nab drivers running red lights, as in Germantown, but will just show “input feeds” so engineers can time signals and lights to improve traffic flow. We’ve been on Poplar during rush hour; if anything can help, we’re for it.

Campus police are called to quell a disturbance during a University of Memphis Student Government Association meeting. It seems two members, Brian Kennedy and KeeShanda Eddings, were squabbling over parliamentary procedure, and, according to The Daily Helmsman, Kennedy “thrust a copy of Robert’s Rules for Dummies into [Eddings’] hands and asked her to prove him wrong.” Did anyone second this motion?

Good news for Memphis. We aren’t America’s most dangerous city. Hooray! A new report published by CQ Press gives that (dis)honor to Detroit. Of course, we are still ranked eighth — not really something to brag about.

First we hear that actress Kate Beckinsale is admitted to a local hospital for rather scary symptoms — numbness in a leg and arm. Then her spokesperson says she was just visiting her assistant in the hospital. Then we learn that Beckinsale was indeed treated, but for a pinched nerve. Considering she’s in town filming a movie called Nothing But the Truth, it would be nice if someone would tell the truth for a change.

A controversial “Nova” program on intelligent design — which either supports or debunks the theory of evolution, depending on who you ask — doesn’t air in Memphis. Instead, WKNO decides to air a rerun about World War II. We can remember when Channel 10’s call letters stood for “knowledge.”

A Memphis police officer is charged with drug trafficking. What makes this case especially unusual is that the officer was the 2006 Tennessee Narcotics Officer of the Year. Apparently, he misunderstood the point of the award.

Greg Cravens

A man walks into the Trustmark Bank in Arlington and begins filling out a credit application. About halfway through, maybe he figures there must be an easier way to get some money, and he scribbles a holdup note on the back of the application and hands it to a teller. She hands him some money, and he scampers away.

Trouble is, he left the form where he had helpfully written his name and address. Police pick him up rather quickly. Rule number one for bank robbers: Consider writing the hold-up note before you leave home.

Pinnacle Airlines announces that it is considering leasing part of the vacant 100 North Main Building downtown, formerly the headquarters of Union Planters Bank. From now on, people entering the building will be advised to fasten their seatbelts and put their tray tables in the upright and fastened position.

The Memphis City Council unanimously approves Jerry Collins as the new head of MLGW. Is it just us, or does it seem like none of our utility directors ever have experience in utilities?

The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency plans to release some 9,000 trout into local lakes. This really ruins our image of the intrepid trout fisherman: standing in hip-waders in an icy mountain stream, skillfully whipping a fly rod over his head. Now you can sit by a lake and just catch these things with a cane pole.

A full-scale replica of the Niña, one of Christopher Columbus’ ships that he used to “sail the ocean blue in 1492,” docks in Memphis on its journey down the Mississippi to Baton Rouge. With so many reports today on Americans’ growing ignorance of history, we just wanted to be clear: No, it’s not the real one.

A man steals a truck in Tipton County but, during his getaway, falls asleep behind the wheel and plunges into a ditch. Police nab him a few miles away. And now he’ll be able to get plenty of sleep in prison.

Greg Cravens

An alderman in Covington, Tennessee, wants to outlaw low-hanging jeans that expose the wearer’s underwear and, in some cases, other private parts. “In my day,” he tells reporters, “that would have been considered indecent exposure.” But what does he plan to do about carpenters and plumbers who expose their “butt cleavage”?

Casting agents are in town looking for someone to play the role of Michael Oher, a young man who overcame neglect and abuse to eventually become a damn good football player for Ole Miss. It’s an inspirational story, but filling the role might be just a tad difficult: The star needs to be about 6′-6″ and weigh almost 300 pounds. Here’s an idea: Since no acting experience is required and the applicant must be athletic, why don’t they just ask Oher to play himself?

Collierville folks sure like the quiet. They’ve previously complained about trains blowing their horns, and now the city is offering shock collars to pooch owners whose dogs do what dogs often do — bark. Maybe the town just needs to hand out earplugs to everyone. Or Xanax.