Author: Michael Finger

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

A Memphis police officer causes a ruckus in a local pancake shop when he nudges aside some paying customers who are about to take a seat at a table he believes — wrongly, as it turns out — is reserved for cops. When the customers complain, he tries to have them arrested. The whole thing ends with the policeman turning in his resignation. The customers probably never thought they’d be getting a side of bacon with their breakfast.

The majestic Sears Crosstown building is sold to local businessman Andy Cates. After years of neglect and absentee ownership, we’re glad to see the place in local hands. Now it’s up to Cates to figure out what to do with the Midtown landmark. We just hope he doesn’t decide to turn it into the world’s largest brick store.

Greg Cravens

A judge discovers that a Memphis man arrested for forgery has a string of 34 different aliases. Well, he was arrested for forgery, after all. Even the fellow’s own mother has never heard of most of them. Just wondering: How does he know when people are trying to get his attention?

An 11-year-old boy playing in the street — as 11-year-old boys sometimes like to do — is struck by a car near Hacks Cross Road. The boy is taken to the hospital and will recover from his injuries, but he’s then given a ticket for “obstructing traffic.” Yes — obstructing it with his own 11-year-old body. Yikes. Will that go down on his permanent record?

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The Cheat Sheet

CREDIT: Greg Cravens

Memphis Light, Gas and Water warns customers we can expect at least a $40 hike in our upcoming utility bills to pay for the increased electricity used to run our fans and air conditioners this summer. Funny, isn’t it, how this rate hike closely matches the so-called credit we were supposed to get for an overcharge for natural-gas purchases.

Greg Cravens

A nurse at Charter Lakeside walks into a Renasant Bank in Germantown and hands the teller a note saying she has a knife and wants $20,000. She walks away with some money, but when police pull her over just a few blocks away, she allegedly admits, “I did it” and — as if they needed more proof — is still carrying the hold-up note. Clearly, this is a cry for help. Couldn’t she have gotten it where she works?

Area consumers pay special attention to toys after warnings are issued that products made in China may contain dangerously high levels of lead paint. Just a few months ago, pets across the country sickened and died when pet food manufactured in China contained deadly levels of additives. We know you’re the fastest-growing economy on the planet, but you’re not exactly setting a great example for the rest of the world, China.

The Bartlett parks department uses pictures of coyotes and plastic alligator heads to scare away the waterfowl that flock to the lakes there. Not a bad idea. Maybe Memphis should try it with fake police officers — even fake police cars — to keep all the bad guys at bay. ­­

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News The Fly-By

The Cheat Sheet

CREDIT: Greg Cravens

This week marks the 30th anniversary of the death of the King of Rock-and-Roll. To put the enduring fame of Elvis Presley in perspective, consider this: How many years has it been since the deaths of Frank Sinatra, or Bing Crosby, or Patsy Cline, or Buddy Holly, or Jerry Garcia, or Jimi Hendrix, or even John Lennon? Don’t know? We didn’t think so.

Greg Cravens

How hot is it? So hot that a Mississippi judge actually decided it was against the law for students to play outdoors when the temperatures soared. We think he got a bit hot under the collar, and in fact the state Supreme Court later overturned his ban. What if you want to splash in the pool or play in the sprinkler?

State bridge inspectors say the Thomas Street Bridge over the Wolf River is in “poor” condition and the bridge surface is in “critical” condition. Meanwhile, the city’s chief engineer tells reporters the bridge is actually quite safe: “If it wasn’t safe, it wouldn’t be open.” You can’t argue with logic like that, although it reminds us of days back in school, when we tried to convince our parents that a “C” on our report cards — meaning “average” — was perfectly fine.

Former East High School football coach Wayne Randall sues the school, claiming he was fired for racial discrimination. Randall is white, and the new principal of the school, Fred Curry, is black. In recent years, Randall took the East Mustangs to the state championship, nine straight playoffs, and averaged 10 wins a season in his last eight years. Curry explained that he dismissed Randall because he wanted to take the school “in a new direction.” Yes, all those victories do get rather tiresome.

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The Cheat Sheet

CREDIT: Greg Cravens

It is every driver’s worst nightmare: A high bridge over a river collapses, sending drivers plunging into the waters far below. That nightmare came true for commuters in Minneapolis last week, when the I-35W bridge suddenly plummeted into the Mississippi River. Authorities here reassure Memphians that local bridges are safe, but as we drive across the aging Memphis-Arkansas Bridge or the 35-year-old Hernando DeSoto Bridge, that long journey just got a bit more nerve-wracking. After all, our bridges are much taller and longer than the bridge in Minneapolis, and the river here is a heckuva lot deeper.

A Raleigh man gets shot by his dog, but the dog didn’t mean it. We think. Apparently, the man left a loaded gun on a table, like people do, and his Great Dane bumped the table. The gun fell off, hit the floor, and discharged, hitting the man in the back. Bad dog!

The U.S. Attorney’s office is trying to claim that former senator John Ford’s $70,000 Rolex is now government property since it was part of a bribery payment. The whole issue is very complicated, but we have just one question. Who on earth wears a $70,000 wristwatch? Other than John Ford, we mean.

Greg Cravens

Just another day in West Memphis. A man holds up a Regions Bank by claiming that a cardboard box contains a bomb. He gets away with an undetermined amount of money but leaves the box behind. Police later discover it was empty. We’re wondering about the crime: Can they still charge him with armed robbery if his only weapon was a box?

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

When his attorney failed to convince a judge to find him not guilty of robbery, Michael Small punched his lawyer in the mouth. Amazingly, it wasn’t a smart move. On top of his robbery sentence, Small was handed an additional 11 months and 29 days in jail for assault.

Greg Cravens

We give a hand to an Olive Branch resident, who thought it was odd that several people were pushing a rather expensive motorcycle down the street. Why not just ride the thing, he reasoned. He called police, who determined the youths were stealing the bike, which they couldn’t get started. No word on whether they were wearing the proper helmets.

So you’re putting together your high school’s literary magazine and you get the idea to ask a rather famous alumnus to contribute an introduction. And then bestselling author John Grisham, who graduated from Southaven High School in 1973, turns in a complete essay. Grisham’s books have, to date, sold more than 60 million copies. The Southaven High Melange has a print run of only 3,000. Hmm. Might want to plan for more.


Just a typical day in East Memphis. Dana Shields is relaxing in her backyard near The Links at Galloway golf course, goes in the house for a minute, and when she comes back out, she notices her beloved pet Fluffy has run off. Or perhaps we should say slithered off. Fluffy, you see, is a five-foot boa constrictor. Yes, we know the things are harmless, but we hope someone finds Fluffy before he gets too puffy — from eating somebody else’s pet. Yikes!

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

It looks like the Shelby County Clerk’s Office can finally begin producing the Elvis Presley specialty plates, after an anonymous donor contributed $3,500 to meet the cost of the 1,000-plate requirement. After two years of promotions, only 900 Elvis fans promised to chip in $35 each to purchase a plate. Fellow Memphians, aren’t we just a little bit embarrassed that someone from New Jersey had to bail us out?

An Ole Miss professor found himself in a heap of hot water after paying a speeding ticket in Gallaway, Tennessee. When he mailed in his payment, the police noticed the ticket was scribbled with certain colorful expressions. Yes, we know all about the First Amendment, but some things you just don’t do.

When Robert Finney’s SUV broke Greg Cravens

down on I-55, he pulled over, hopped onto a mechanic’s wheeled “creeper,” and rolled himself under the vehicle to fix it. Problem number one: The car started rolling while he was still beneath it. Problems number two and three: His two young children were in the back seat. Lucky for him, then, that Johnny Peel happened to be driving along. Peel pulled his Honda in front of the driverless SUV to slow it down, then hopped out of his car, ran back and jumped in the SUV, and hit the brakes — just before the car was about to roll into traffic. Peel’s Honda was wrecked, but everybody else was safe. We understand that Peel has been offered a new car from various Memphians, but shouldn’t they give out medals for things like this? Wow!

Congratulations to Fred Smith, who has been named to the National Aviation Hall of Fame. As founder of FedEx (and a fighter pilot in Vietnam), we agree that Smith knows a thing or two about airplanes.

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

Turn on the TV, and the local news stations are obsessed with high school girls who kick, punch, and beat other girls. Meanwhile, the local print media — including this publication — have featured a group of young women who regularly kick, punch, and beat other young women. The TV stations are reporting on girl gangs; the newspapers are reporting on the Memphis Roller Derby. Whatever happened to girls being made of “sugar, spice, and everything nice?”

The federal government is debating whether a toxic nerve gas simply called VX can be transported through Memphis on its way to a disposal site in Texas. News accounts say it is both odorless and colorless, and the slightest exposure can cause convulsions, paralysis, and death. What’s especially alarming is that apparently the feds have already shipped VX through Memphis in the past. We don’t know about you, but when that next shipment comes through, we plan to be out of town. Waaaay out of town.

Greg Cravens

Former state senator Kathryn Bowers, one of many nabbed in the Tennessee Waltz sting, pleads guilty to bribery to avoid a trial. With so many of our politicians heading to prison, perhaps we should take their mug shots when they are elected, just to save time.

Speaking of … an unexplained power glitch shuts down computers and dims lights across the city on Sunday night. MLGW says they have no idea what is wrong. Uh-huh. People have been griping about a lot of things going on at our local utility lately. Were they sending us a warning?

A man arrested for trying to cash a pair of stolen money orders insists that he’s not a thief. Instead, he tells police, he’s a drug dealer. Oh yes, that makes it a lot better.

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

The Stax Music Academy is selling former Grizzly Shane Battier’s Blackhawk Lincoln Mark VI on eBay. Sure, Battier plays for the Rockets now, but the car has leopard-print upholstery, a $5,000 stereo system, flashy rims, and autographed headrests.

Now you won’t have to go on MTV’s Pimp My Ride.

A lawyer for Anna Mae He’s foster parents presents a pretend conversation between the 8-year-old girl in the long-running custody battle and a Juvenile Court judge.

We hoped “the dialogue” might shed some light on what the little He is going through, but with “Anna Mae” talking about how “litigation was protracted,” all we know now is that she’ll make a fine attorney someday.

Greg Cravens

Hundreds of bags of ice — purchased by FEMA — are left to melt outside a warehouse on East Parkway. Ostensibly bought and warehoused in 2005 for future hurricane victims, the ice was dumped because FEMA bought too much.

Apparently, even if portions of the country are experiencing a heat wave, it’s better to throw your extra ice away. All we can say is that’s one way to liquefy your assets … and solidify your reputation. Heckuva job!

A WWII veteran is attacked and mugged in the basement bathroom of the local Veterans Medical Center. The 80-year-old Dyersburg man went to the hospital to pick up a new hearing aid. The device was initially lost in the struggle — the man grappled with his attacker — but was later found.

The hospital doesn’t know how a mugger slipped past security. Might we suggest they get new hearing aids, too?

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

More than a hundred customers line up outside the Apple store in Saddle Creek so they can plunk down $499 and be the first people in Memphis to own the new iPhones, which go on sale at precisely 6:30 p.m. Friday evening. We imagine their very first call went something like this: “Guess what I just bought!”

An employee of a vending machine company gets upset when he can’t park his van close enough to the building he needs to service. That building just happens to be the headquarters for the Drug Enforcement Administration. And when he exchanges some choice words (we can’t print them here) with nearby agents, they notice a bag filled with marijuana hanging from the man’s pocket. The man is arrested, and his van is confiscated. No word on just what the fellow was trying to put in the vending machines.

Greg Cravens

Agents with the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency — in an undercover sting with the deadly accurate title of “Operation Striking Distance” — make arrests throughout the state and confiscate more than 100 poisonous reptiles. The catch includes vipers, copperheads, rattlesnakes, and even something called a monocled cobra, whose bite can kill an adult in less than 15 minutes. Look, with all the murders, shootings, and stabbings around here, we really don’t need snakes to make our city even more dangerous.

The Memphis City Schools releases the results of an interesting survey that claims that 90 percent of teachers and 80 percent of students actually feel safe in school. That’s good news, we suppose. But looked at another way, 10 percent of teachers and 20 percent of students were probably too afraid to fill out the forms.

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CREDIT: Greg Cravens

With the site at Central and East Parkway in limbo, two other communities — Millington and Tunica — are apparently competing to be the new home of the Mid-South Fair. We just don’t know how we feel about that. We realize the event was never called the “Memphis” fair, but to move it to Millington or Mississippi just doesn’t seem right to us.

Fifty years ago this week, a group with the rather awkward name of the American Lebanese Syrian Associated Charities met in a Chicago hotel. They gathered together about 100 members, raised about half a million dollars, and thanks to their efforts, St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital was born in Memphis in 1962. The fund-raising arm of St. Jude now has more than one million members, who generate some $580 million every year. Happy birthday, ALSAC.

Two local entrepreneurs are charged with selling fake Nike shoes and shirts. What intrigued us about this crime was the curious charge: “criminal simulation.” We can remember the good old days when stuff like this was called “bootlegging.”

A woman complains that a man is harassing her while she is walking in the High Point Terrace neighborhood, and police arrest the fellow after they discover he is carrying more than 20 little canisters of nitrous oxide — otherwise known as “laughing gas.” No mention of just what he was planning to do with it, but we’re sure the judge will be amused.

Greg Cravens

Officials at Arkansas State University in Jonesboro are considering renaming the school’s mascot, in recent years known as the Indians. Over the years, ASU has used quite a variety of colorful monikers — Gorillas, Warriors, and even Aggies — and all of them, if you ask us, are less offensive than “razorback.” Maybe it’s that whole “Soo-ey Pig!” thing that makes our flesh crawl.