Author: Robert Callahan

A microscopic view of Tennessee’s legislature-shaped growth.

Tragedy struck this week, as the US Surgeon General advised Tennessee that the mass growing in the greater Nashville region was, in fact, cancer of the state Legislature, and that its current insurance plan would not cover any sort of invasive surgery to remove it.

“This is one of the most aggressive, repugnant tumors I’ve ever seen,” said the Surgeon General. “It has already spread to the Judiciary and state Constitution, and is eyeing the Executive as we speak. God, I wish we could have caught it sooner.”

One of the so-called “marginally poor” states, Tennessee generates barely enough revenue to disqualify itself from federally guaranteed health care coverage, but lives paycheck-to-paycheck, considering health care to be an unaffordable luxury.

Functional state legislatures are a vital organ of the state, regulating many of the industries and practices that comprise a reasonable modern government. Friends and family of Tennessee urged it to seek medical attention when the legislature developed abnormally high concentrations of guns and regressive taxes, but after years of ignoring the problem, the situation appears dire.

“This cancer has grown unchecked for years, and it appears to be self-funding at present,” the Surgeon General explained, “without treatment I’d give you two years before you experience total public school shut down.”

Doctors recommended the state begin immediate radiation therapy, with debate raging on as to whether the Legislature should be defined as a living person and protected from destruction.

Tennessee has set up a GoFundMe to help defray the cost of medical bills.

Robert Callahan is a Memphian living in Chicago, Wiseguy, and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall. 

Citing increased tensions and outrage over a potential cover charge for the privilege of entering Beale Street, the Beale Street Development Corporation of Frayser (BSDCOF), an offshoot of the existing Beale Street Development Corporation, announced today that they plan to unveil a new Beale Street “close to Downtown Memphis” which will be free of charge to enter at all times. The new Beale is currently being described as separate from but just as nice as “the real Beale.”

“We are so excited for this new direction we are taking with our properties,” said BSDCOF spokesperson Harrison Gunderson. “Once we get our perfectly fine second location up and running, we have some dramatic renovations planned for Old Beale as well. We hope to make it a living history museum by restoring the buildings and general demeanor to standards of the Old South.”

“We’ll even get to use some real historical memorabilia that my family’s had hidden in the basement for reasons I don’t need to get into,” Gunderson added, proudly holding a sign partially obscured by ash and dirt that read “W TES LY”.

Prospective Old Beale Street patrons will be randomly stopped and frisked by officers based on a proprietary formula, and subsequently undergo a credit check before entering the property. Those deemed unworthy or unable to afford Old Beale Street will be bused to the “new downtown location” for more suitable frivolity.

Asked whether New Beale would maintain the same police presence afforded to Old Beale, the BSDCOF team stared incredulously at reporters, before leaving the podium without comment.

New Beale is located in Frayser, just around the corner from Captain D’s.

In related news, never mind.

Robert Callahan is an expatriate Wise Guy living in Chicago, and a frequent Fly on the Wall contributor.

NASHVILLE—The Senate Firearms and Ammunition Committee unanimously voted today in support of a measure mandating all Tennessee gun owners to fire their weapons ceaselessly. It’s a measure the bill’s supporters describe as, “a step towards a more peaceful and harmonious state for all.”

“We wanted to send a clear message that the government of Tennessee firmly supports our constitutional right to bear and discharge arms,” said Senate sponsor Mae Beavers, as she postured with twin M-16s. “As I see it, there is no better way to ensure your personal safety than with an unyielding stream of suppressive fire.”

Beavers then knelt down on the capitol steps and unloaded both assault rifles into the afternoon sky, letting loose a cry of anguish and victory which scattered wildlife and shattered nearby car windows.

Independent analysis of the legislation has indicated that the average Tennessee gun owner will spend approximately $50,000 per year on ammunition as a result of the bill. When reached for comment, NRA spokesman Terrence O’Kane refused to stop operating a .50 caliber mounted machine gun long enough to be understood.

The Firearms and Ammunition Committee, known colloquially as the F’n A, has been unusually prolific this year, passing bills giving guns the right to vote, naming the Desert Eagle the official state bird and legalizing concealed carry for death rays. F’n A is scheduled to meet next Wednesday for a hostile takeover of the milquetoast Education Committee.

Robert Callahan is a Wise Guy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

1.You’re tired of hearing about Bass Pro Shops taking over the Pyramid, because it would be the perfect place for you to raise your thousands of hatchlings.

2. Out-of-towners are always asking you why you don’t have an accent while you drain them of bodily fluids.

3. You think the lanes on Poplar are too narrow to chase humans and other large prey.

4.You practically live at Central BBQ. Also in the fever dreams of frightened children everywhere.

5. You think it’s cute when people from Cordova say they grew up in Memphis. Also being in your presence for five minutes is the equivalent of 45 chest x-rays.

6. You went to Voodoo Village once when you were younger, but you got scared when a car pulled up behind you and you crushed it with one of your gargantuan hairy legs.

7. You L-O-V-E Graceland, and visit every time you need a break from being chased by desperate government scientists.

8. You’re afraid of the earthquake that Memphis is long overdue for, because it heralds the arrival of Bhul’gaatane the Serpent, your mortal foe.

9. You followed Kerry Crawford’s “I Love Memphis” blog religiously, and now that she quit, you just follow her, waiting.

10: You think the inability of the city and county governments to cooperate on school consolidation is damaging to the the long-term infrastructure of the city, as your hulking frame damages the long-term infrastructure of the city.

AND FINALLY: Whenever some idiot says, “Memphis sucks, there’s nothing to do here,” you spring from the shadows, cover them in a digestive juice from your chelicerae and consume their dissolved flesh.

Robert Callahan is a Wisguy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

MEMPHIS— A jubilant disorder reigned over the streets of downtown Memphis as thousands arrived to bid a fond farewell to retiring Mayor “Prince” Mongo, and greet the royal dignitaries arriving from his beloved home planet, Zambodia. Men waved brassieres woven into intricate quilted banners, and children gleefully gathered scattered chicken bones in hopes of winning the keys to the executive mansion, their blonde wigs flowing in the crisp autumn wind. Though the national media present to cover the festivities were characteristically flabbergasted, citizens of Mongo’s Memphis sent a clear message: Our Mayor’s going home.

Since his 1991 defeat of incumbent Richard Hackett and School Superintendent Willie Herenton, Prince Mongo has been a universally beloved figure in the city, having been elected to six consecutive terms with little opposition. After his inauguration ceremony at the apex of the newly christened Memphis Pyramid, Mongo set to work on his ambitious agenda, the first item of which was to demolish the newly christened Memphis Pyramid in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics and executive initiative. Work crews began construction on the city’s now iconic Upside Down Pyramid the very same day.

Once he had completed the month-long process of consolidating city and county government, the Mayor made good on a key campaign promise, rounding up newly redundant elected officials and flushing them down a novelty toilet constructed for the occasion. Eyewitnesses recall a surprisingly buoyant Mayor Bill Morris; a photo of his bewildered face swirling to the bottom of the bowl graced the cover of Time that month.

From the miles of roller coaster tracks that have replaced city streets, to the weekly garbage delivery, every facet of city life has been touched by Mongo’s visionary hand. City employees dressed in fiberglass insulation trundle down the sidewalks pushing enormous nitrous oxide foggers, elementary schools never want for shaving cream, and the city’s reputation as the unicorn capital of the world grows with every passing year.

It was an unseasonably cold day when the Memphis Press-Scimitar announced that the supreme Monarch of Zambodia was gravely ill, and that the exiled Mongo would at last be required to ascend to the throne. Rumors swirled about his abdication, but after conferring with his long-time advisor and ostrich Duke of Headinburrow, Mayor Mongo acquiesced in order to avoid an interplanetary war.

As the soon-to-be King Mongo processed down Beale Street in sleigh pulled by innumerable dachshunds, the streets overflowed with sorrowful tears, and also unattended sewage. His procession picked up speed as it neared the river, and at the banks he turned to blow kisses to the assembled masses. The crowds cheered with an unquenchable madness as his entire conveyance tumbled end over end into the Mississippi River and disappeared from view. Many reported seeing him ascend into a spacecraft shortly thereafter, but most were content with the spectacle of their Mayor’s final farewell, and departed to wait for their roller coaster home.

Robert Callahan is a Wiseguy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.

Midtown— Arlington resident Reid Harmon is demanding a refund after what he describes as “the worst fair [he’s] ever attended.” Harmon, 31, was observed aimlessly wandering through the abandoned Mid-South Fairgrounds late Friday afternoon, scowling as he searched in vain for a Pronto Pup stand.

“I’ve been coming to this fair off and on my entire life,” said Harmon removing his shirt and hiking up his tube socks. “Sure it’s had some wear and tear over the years, but it’s like they’re not even trying anymore.”

Harmon described how he had struggled to enter the locked Lifestyle Center building for upwards of forty minutes, hoping to get a glimpse of some classic cars, or sit in on the preliminary rounds of the Junior Youth Talent show.

“The cutbacks are really noticeable when you go to see the livestock show,” the delirious man continued. “I don’t think I saw any show animals that weren’t squirrels or birds.”

“Thanks Obama,” Harmon shouted and then he proceeded to award a blue ribbon to a nearby tree.

Even though Harmon says he probably won’t be attending the fair in the future, he did have some good things to say about his final visit.

“I like that they added all of this extra parking,” he said. “And I like the construction equipment exhibit.” The interview was cut short as Memphis Police arrived to arrest Harmon for destroying a section of the Kroc Center.

Midtown — Derrick Sanders had just sat down to a tasty burger from his favorite neighborhood dive when he heard the opening bars of “Poker Face” and realized, “Oh no, it’s another burlesque show.” Sanders, who had taken a survey on Feminist literature in college to win back his ex, became visibly uncomfortable at the idea of strangers liberating their sexuality as he enjoyed his meal.

The troupe, introduced as Blush City Burlesque by host Iona Vibrator, appeared to be comprised of half a dozen otherwise sensible women prepared to dance suggestively for a room filled with people who wanted nothing more than to spend their Tuesday evening eating burgers and maybe some nachos or onion rings.

“Don’t get me wrong, I respect a woman’s right to choose and everything,” said Sanders as he quickly ate his steak fries, “but I wish they’d chosen to perform after nine. This is worse than when the high school punk bands play.”

He then tried, to no avail, to signal his waiter Gary, who was presently transfixed by Betty Trubble’s interpretation of The Flintstones theme song. When reached for comment, Gary exclaimed, “Woo!”

Faced with the grim reality of having to clap politely every three to five minutes, Sanders departed before his brownie a la mode could arrive, leaving an undetermined sum of money on the table. In the future, he plans to patronize restaurants with smaller floor plans.

Robert Callahan is a Wiseguy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.

MIDTOWN—An emergency assembly of the city’s top scientists from various disciplines has concluded that, at the current rate of increase, every Memphian will find themselves inhabiting or operating boutique bakeries within a year. It is predicted that shortly thereafter, the density of confectionaries will become so great that the city will collapse into a sugary singularity.

“Our state government has become a champion of deregulation and free market enterprise at the worst possible time,” warned economist Greely Lester. “People are clamoring for new places to feast on artisan desserts with such fervor that these businesses are practically opening themselves.”

The conclave of Memphis’ greatest minds made their announcement in front of the long abandoned Sears Crosstown building, a million square-foot structure that, according to physicist Tyson Orvelius, may eventually house what he and his colleagues are calling the Super Cupcake, a bakery/coffee shop capable of serving thousands of customers in a single day.

“Mmphmm mmm mph,” Dr. Orvelius opined, waving his hands in the direction of a projected diagram, and gorging himself on a chocolate mint supreme from Muddy’s Bake Shop.

Locals seemed unperturbed by the news. Bartlett resident Larry “Bird” Flynt voiced his approval while his wife protected their prize purchase: a twenty pound behemoth called the Orange Mound of Cake. “I can’t wait to try out all the new shops! We’re on our way to I Have a Buttercream at the Civil Rights Museum.”

The National Weather Service has already released reports of increased seismological activity, and estimate that the Bluff City has sunk 50 feet in elevation. When the think tank attempted to present their findings to the City Council, they were dismayed to learn that the seat of government had recently shut down and reopened as Boss Crumbs.

Memphis—For the first time in its near 25 years of existence, the Children’s Museum of Memphis has opened a groundbreaking new exhibit, Museum Kidz, which features two dozen hand-selected, living children displayed in various states of play and work. The youngsters, ranging in age from three to ten years old, became legal wards of CMOM earlier this month, and will spend their formative years demonstrating to the public what it’s like to be a child growing up in a museum.

“I think this one’s gonna be a home run,” said CMOM CEO Dick Hackett. “I’ll be honest, our patrons have been a little leery of new ideas ever since Kidz in Orbit went so unexpectedly wrong. We’ve learned our lesson, and we won’t be purchasing active space-shuttle equipment any time soon.”

Opening day drew in hundreds of curious onlookers, who delighted in observing two boys roughhousing in a plexiglas terrarium constructed to resemble a playroom with astonishing accuracy. Those fortunate enough to stay until 3:15 witnessed feeding time, and could purchase handfuls of Cheerios to try their hand at nourishing another human.

“The best part of the Children’s Museum is that it’s interactive,” said one visiting mom, whose own children sported matching leashes. “I’m so glad they let some of the kidz out to play with my Aiden and Grayson. That little girl who works in the bank exhibit is so lifelike!”

But as with all new opportunities, there are challenges to face.

“I’ve heard reports that some of the more feral children have built a nest at the top of the Skyscraper exhibit and are hissing at visitors,” admitted Hackett. “And it’s true, a small cabal has hijacked the TV station exhibit and released a list of demands. Luckily, the signal only broadcasts locally, and they’re still getting the traffic reports out on time.”

Museum Kidz is confirmed through summer of 2014, and may become a permanent fixture depending on public response. Upon turning 18, the participants will be extended the opportunity to join the Pink Palace family, impersonating yellow fever victims, Piggly Wiggly employees and shrunken heads.