Author: Robert Callahan

• Coming soon: Family Dollar

GRACELAND—Responding to increased agitation from locals about the safety of visitors to Memphis’ most iconic attraction, Lisa Marie Presley executed a years-in-the-making plan to evacuate the entire museum property to the much more appealing city of Southaven, Mississippi.

“Let’s face it, keeping Graceland in Whitehaven for as long as we did was a boondoggle,” explained Presley spokesperson Roberta Flack as she oversaw the landing of the malt shop, supported by four Chinook helicopters. “It seemed like we couldn’t go a single day without a dozen innocent tourists being executed for valuables before they even got out of the airport.”

Police estimate that between 90% and 115% of the region’s roughly 1-million annual Elvis tourists are injured, killed, or both at some point during their stay in Memphis, a city that has been highly ranked on dozens of popular magazine lists related to danger and criminality.

“Locals know that “Death Week” don’t just refer to Elvis,” says lifelong Memphian and Elvis fan Byron “One Leg” McIntyre, wiping the tears away with his wooden arms.

“I lost my whole family at a roadside candle concession back in ‘93,” he said, “And all I got to show for it is this lousy blood-stained t-shirt. And a ‘Love Me Tender’ snow globe. And George Klein’s autograph.”

Lisa Marie was unavailable for comment as she worked round the clock in her namesake jet, delivering aid packages of peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches and light artillery to various strategic locations between Mississippi and the blighted land.

Early reports indicate that criminals, sometimes referred to simply as “locals,” have already begun constructing a to-scale replica of the Graceland mansion, with the hopes of luring oblivious tourists in for an easy score.

“That’s just scaremongering,” says Flack who insists that a new branch of the Family Dollar discount chain is slated to open on the site in October.

• An artist’s depiction of a flaming pentagram

SHELBY COUNTY—The city’s children collectively gasped this week as they returned to a chaotic, lawless collective of buildings that had once been known as “schools.”

“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing,” said first grader Brantley Lourdes, as he painted the walls with an unknown classmate’s blood. “Last year the school contracted with Sodexo for my daily lunches, but now we’re using Aramark? How am I supposed to learn when my whole world is crumbling beneath me?”

As Lourdes spoke, a fissure opened in the carpet and swallowed the snack table and cubby holes.

Parents, fearing for their lives, forsook their offspring at the gates of Chimneyrock Elementary and dozens like it, now tainted by the abominable amalgamation of city and county schools.

According to Y.G. Brown, a custodial worker, Shelby County Unified School Board member Tomeka Hart led her fellow board members in a demonic cackle as they watched the horrors unfold from a pentagram-shaped portal in their secret meeting room.

“Now begins the Reign of Unity,” Hart exclaimed over the muffled cries of David Pickler and Kenneth Whalum Jr., both restrained and forced to watch the carnage.

With tears in her eyes, Germantown Mayor Sharon Goldsworthy called an emergency meeting and threatened to execute Protocol Violet, detonating all roads and bridges leading in and out of the municipality, in a last ditch effort to halt the blight at the city limits.

The chaos of the first week of the new school year concluded at 3:15 Friday, August 9. Wary parents collected the husks of their former progeny and asked them how their day was. When reached for comment, the afflicted children responded, “Fine.”

• Buzzed?

MEMPHIS— City Councilwoman Janis Fullilove held a press conference this morning to reveal that she is, in reality, a swarm of approximately 10,000 honey bees working in concert, defying earlier predictions that she was two children in a trench coat. Sources close to Fullilove were surprised by the news, but many harbored long-time suspicions.

“I always thought that Janis had an exceptionally loud AC unit in her house,” said one friend who wished to remain anonymous, “but it turns out that I was just hearing thousands of bees humming, struggling to maintain the shape and appearance of a human woman. It also explains why her fingernails strongly resembled bee stingers, and caused local swelling whenever she touched me.”

The Bee Cloud formerly known as Janis Fullilove explained that the hive had become interested in civic engagement after attending a series of town hall meetings on a planned development in their area. Recognizing the difficulty honey-producing insects have previously faced in the political arena, the hive assumed the form of a dynamic radio host, and handily won a seat on the Memphis City Council.

Apis mellifera, better known as the Western honey bee, is widely known for its use of “waggle dancing” as a means of communication and experts now suggest that Fullilove’s infamous riverboat pole dancing incident was merely her attempt to inform fellow Council members of a nearby wildflower patch.

Janiswarm— as the bees are now self-identifying — felt it was time to offer an explanation for years of bizarre conduct, including but not limited to multiple alcohol-related arrests and and a domestic violence charge that resulted in a not guilty verdict. “We underestimated how difficult it is to impersonate a human being,” the bees explained, clouds of pollen wafting from their body as they spoke. “And I promise we’re not going to throw any more dishes because we had to go buy a whole new set.”

Katrina House, an Entomologist specializing in honey bees thinks historians will have to reevaluate everything they think they know about the Janiswarm. “You absolutely cannot consider her record without taking into account the impact of global climate change and toxic fungicides,” House says.

“I will always love her. She has such a strong record of standing up for people who are different,” says Manona Street, a longtime Fullilove supporter, who says she intends to stand by Janiswarm, and its decision to “come out.”

“This is my colony, and I’m not going to let it collapse,” Street said.

At the conclusion of the press conference, Councilwoman Fullilove dissolved

• “Excuse me, but has anybody seen my binky?”

into a torrent of winged fury, mercilessly stinging reporters as they fled City Hall. They later resumed human form long enough to crash their car into a mailbox.

At a later press conference, Councilman Shea Flinn announced that he was the world’s tallest toddler.

• Alan Thyme

MEMPHIS—With fingers crossed and bated breath, city officials today announced that construction will soon begin on “The Overton Park Green Line,” a multi-lane “thoroughfare” connecting I-40 Downtown to Sam Cooper Boulevard.

“The new Green Line is exactly what our community has been clamoring for,” said spokesman Alan Thyme, brazenly twirling his sinister moustache. “In fact,” he continued, “as part of the project, we’re sponsoring a new Urban Jungle exhibit at the Memphis Zoo,” referencing the intention to raze and pave Primate Canyon.

One area resident remarked that he was “excited that [his] neighborhood would finally be Green Line accessible,” unaware that he will be evicted and his multi-generation family home bulldozed to build a more efficient route for freight to pass through Memphis.

Implementation is expected to begin in early 2014, with an expected completion date of March 2065. An independent analysis by state engineers predicts that the sound of traffic passing by the acoustically live Levitt Shell could strip paint off of passing vehicles.