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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to “Tough Titty,” the newspaper column that does everything it can to capture the energy of talk radio and the excitement of cable news. Today we have Kelly Jacobs, a full-time mother and a full-time activist for the Democratic Party. She lives in north Mississippi, but she’s become a fixture on Memphis roadsides where she’s been known to loiter, waving around a sign that says “Fire Bush.”
Now folks, you see the out-of-focus picture of Ms. Jacobs on this page. You see that she wears a fringed leather jacket like it was 1968 — and this is in the summertime. So she’s the kind of person who wears a leather jacket in the summertime.
Anyway, you see that her jacket and the dress underneath have anti-Bush buttons on them. And I’m talking dozens. But to really understand how thoroughly freakish this is you you would have to hear the awful clanking racket she makes when she walks into the room.
Flyer: Ms. Jacobs, welcome to “Tough Titty.” Let’s get right to the interview. How does something like THIS happen to a person?
Kelly Jacobs: How did I become an activist? Well, I’d always heard if you were going to be a good parent you had to join the PTA and you had to go to school-board meetings
So you decided to fire Bush at a school-board meeting, okay
I was the only parent sitting at this meeting when a new school-board member stood up and said, “I haven’t read them, but I understand if young boys read books from the Goosebumps series, they become violent, and if young girls read Babysitter Club books, they become pregnant, so I want the books taken off our shelves.” And everybody agreed and that was the end of it.
So you think little girls getting pregnant from a smutty book is a good thing?
They didn’t let the public make any comments. That’s just outrageous. I got parents whose kids were hooked on this series to join me.
Hooked? Interesting choice of words.
I got them to join me so we could investigate this allegation
Shut up! Shut up or I’ll turn off the tape recorder! None of this has anything to do with wanting to fire George W. Bush. Now Ms. Jacobs, we know you’re a partisan Democrat. You were a DNC delegate from Mississippi. You’ve been a civil rights activist and won Mississippi’s Fannie Lou Hamer Award.
At my son’s school, they had elections to vote for class favorites
I wasn’t finished.
Look at the ballot. They wanted the kids to vote for one black child and one white child. Black and white. Is that all there is?
Okay, okay, we get the idea.
Here’s the thing. In 2000, I thought Al Gore would win. So I didn’t do anything. I never donated money. I just went and voted. So when Gore lost, I felt like I’d failed him.
Gore lost. Get over it! Besides, you’re not a public official. You’re not EVEN a celebrity. You’re just some Mississippi windbag who thinks she has the right to tell people what to think.
The right is in the Constitution. And it’s the right of other people to either listen to me or not listen to me. You don’t have to be a celebrity to have an opinion.
But celebrities don’t do the most effective campaigning, anyway. Average citizens who just walk up to your door and say “Would you please vote?” do the best campaign work. Volunteering is all about finding out what you like to do. Maybe you share important documents on the Internet. Maybe you register voters or maybe you stand beside the road getting flipped off and called a whore, and a crackwhore, and a [censored], and a terrorist, and a communist, but never, NEVER called a Democrat!
And all this anger doesn’t tell you you’re not wanted? You’ve even had run-ins with the police.
I’ve had confrontations with the police a lot. Not African-American officers, only white officers.
The race card. Coulda seen that coming.
Lamar and Winchester is a great place to work because of the truck drivers. They get into it and honk. Anyway, this officer (who I’d had run-ins with before) pulls up with his partner. He gets out of the car and gets toe-to-toe with me. Puts his face in my face and says, “I thought I told you to leave. You are nothing but a prostitute, and you’re going to get murdered, and you’ve got no business being where you are doing what you’re doing.” I said, “Unless you tell me I’m breaking the law, I’m not leaving.”
What about guns? I’ve heard there were guns?
One time someone, probably a Republican, saw me, called the police, and told them I was waving a gun and obstructing traffic. That was all a lie. Five police cars came with their sirens on. But that was ridiculous. I didn’t have a gun.
So you constantly ignore the police and your fellow citizens.
The police know me now. If somebody calls to complain they say, “Oh, that’s just the ‘Fire Bush’ lady.” Sometimes they’ll come out because they got a call. They’ll say, “We just wanted to make sure it was you,” or “We thought it was you. We just want to know where you are.”
Yeah, I’ll bet they want to know where you are. And, there you have it, folks. Crazy Kelly Jacobs. We need more liberal loonies like her to scare conservative Democrats into the Republican Party. Keep up the good work, Kelly. This has been “Tough Titty.” •
