Scene — A state Senate office in Nashville …
“Wow. That was amazing. Just amazing.”
“Was it really good for you?”
“Good for me? Oh, sweetie, you’re incredible, you know that. And you know how much I love your, um, ‘rifle.'”
“Well, thanks, baby. I gave it my best shot, if you get my drift. I’m leaving a little something for you on the table.”
“Oh, thank you. A girl has expenses.”
“Well, to be completely honest, I’m going to need you to do a couple more favors for me.”
“Just name it, sweetie. Whatever you like. You know I love you.”
“Well, I want you to get on your knees …”
“Yes? Yes?”
“… and propose a law saying that if a business in Tennessee bans guns, they’re liable for any harm that comes to an unarmed legal-carry permit-holder while on their premises.”
“Ooooh, that’s hot. I love it! But how would it work?”
“Simple. The property owner would be responsible for damages, attorneys’ fees, expert witness expenses, and other costs of a lawsuit. And, this is the best part: The responsibility of the owner would extend to the conduct of other invitees, trespassers, employees, vicious animals, wild animals, and defensible man-made and natural hazards.”
“God, that’s so kinky. You are a very naughty boy. But I love it! More, baby.”
“Well, this is kinda out there, but I have to ask …”
“Do it.”
“I want you to pass a bill that will require all private schools to create official gun policies. And when I say ‘gun policies,’ I think you know what I mean.”
“All private schools?”
“Yes, all K-12 schools and colleges in the state of Tennessee.”
“Oh, sweetie, I know it’s wrong to say this, but you’re getting me soooo excited. It’s true what they say — happiness really is a warm gun.”
“I’m glad you feel that way, baby, because this next request is so naughty I can’t even believe I’m asking you to do it, but here goes: I want you to pass a bill that will void any local ordinances that ban firing of guns in residential neighborhoods.”
“What?? Really? That’s crazy … Crazy sexy, I mean. But, honestly, it may be a little tough to get that one through.”
“Hey, call it the ‘Fire All the Guns At Once and Explode Into Space Act’ for all I care. I really don’t want to know how you do it. Just do it.”
“Sure, sure, baby, for you, I’ll make it happen.”
“Thanks, and there’s one more thing.”
“Just name it, sweetheart.”
“I want you to allow permit-carriers to take their weapons into the state capitol building.”
“WHAT??? No! Just no. No way in hell. Sweetie, I do have some standards. What kind of girl do you think I am, anyway?”
