It all began with Texas’ most recent abortion ban. Senate Bill 8, the one that, essentially, deputized private citizens, empowering them to spy on each other and sue providers and others suspected of having helped women get abortions. The Supreme Court declined to rule on the constitutionality of the law — or to block it. Eventually, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland vowed that the Department of Justice was “urgently” searching for a way to challenge the law.
But no anti-abortion law is too unconstitutional for Tennessee to try. So, here in the future, I’ve undergone a career change. I used to be a journalist. I was the editor of the Memphis Flyer, and I loved it. But you can only be called “the enemy of the people” so many times before you start to look at other lines of work. Besides, working as a professional amateur bounty hunter is incredibly lucrative. You see, Tennessee didn’t just adopt Texas’ anti-abortion law. No, we saw it as a way to usher in a veritable smorgasbord of unconstitutional laws we reintroduce each legislative session. Just give the public the option to police them. Tennessee finally got a “bathroom bill,” allowing professional amateur bounty hunters like me to report individuals suspected of having used a bathroom that doesn’t match the gender on their birth certificate. Each time, I get a cut of the $10,000 fine. Not really a high-water mark for the state if you care about common decency or not traumatizing students just trying to use the bathroom between classes and active shooter drills (those are a daily occurance now), but I sleep fine as long as the checks cash.
Speaking of school, this “bounty law” work-around finally gave us the solution to critical race theory, the graduate school-level legal course that’s not taught in K-12-grade glasses but which, nonetheless, became a particular bogeyman of the GOP for a time back in good ol’ 2021. That’s right, anything that even remotely resembles CRT being taught in school is punishable with a hefty fine these days. In fact, I successfully sued an elementary school teacher just this week. She made the mistake of calling the “War of Northern Aggression” the “Civil War” in front of impressionable young minds. Can you imagine? What if some poor child got the idea that slavery was bad? Or that anything wrong had ever happened in America? Or that some groups had been discriminated against because of their race or gender — and that it still happens today? That’s preposterous! Now let me tell you some more about how I make a living by policing the private, personal health choices of women.
Those horrible hypotheticals are the questions that worry me as I try to fall asleep, lulled by the incessant hacking and coughing of my unvaccinated neighbor. That’s right, Covid’s still a thing in the future. Back in ’21 you’re still dealing with the Delta variant, right? Those were the days! The virus has mutated a few more times, and it’s much more contagious now. The upside is my mask helps conceal my identity while I’m bounty hunting.
You probably want to hear more about the bounties. Yes, it seems far-fetched at first, but you have to remember, Tennessee is the state that did away with handgun permit requirements back in 2021. Were we really going to let an opportunity like this pass us by? No, our legislators — the good, righteous, patriotic ones, anyway — started copying from the Texas playbook right away. See someone offer water to a citizen standing in a long line waiting to exercise their democratic right to vote? That’s a lawsuit. Abortion? CRT? Spreading vaccine “misinformation” — like that they’re safe and effective? Lawsuits. I’m rich these days, kids. If other countries ever admit Covid is a hoax and open up their borders to the U.S. again, I’m taking my family on such a sweet vacation with all the money I’ve earned.
Sure, some detractors will talk about “body autonomy” and the “right to privacy,” and to be fair, they make excellent points. If I had time to feel guilty, I imagine I might, but I’ve got too many lawsuits to file to waste time on morality. After all, these people won’t report themselves.
Let’s get real. I don’t believe S.B. 8 in Texas is about protecting life. (And I don’t doubt Tennessee would hesitate to try something similar.) No, it seems aimed squarely at undermining women’s rights. It’s disgusting and cruel, and empowering the public to bring charges because the state can’t enforce the law is frightening and dangerous.
