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Fun Stuff News of the Weird

News of the Weird: Week of 02/23/23

Animal Antics

Carrier pigeons have been couriers of legitimate and nefarious items for centuries, but officials at the Pacific Institution in Abbotsford, British Columbia, nonetheless were stunned when a gray bird with a tiny backpack landed in a fenced inmate prison yard on Dec. 29. The CBC reported that officers “had to corner it,” according to John Randle, Pacific regional president of the Union for Canadian Correctional Officers. “You can imagine how that would look, trying to catch a pigeon.” After some time, they were able to grab it and remove the package, which contained about 30 grams of crystal meth. “We’ve been focusing so much on drone interdiction … Now we have to look at, I guess, pigeons again,” Randle said. They set the little guy free and are investigating its origin. [CBC, 1/6/2023]

Illustration: Jeanne Seagle

Family Values

It’s important to encourage your children in their scholastic endeavors. But an unnamed mother in LaGrange, New York, took parental support too far when she snuck into Arlington High School on Jan. 17 before school started to watch her freshman daughter beat up another girl. The Mid Hudson News reported that Mom was caught on video using vulgar language and egging her daughter on as the girls tussled. Superintendent Dave Moyer said the woman blended in with the students coming to school by wearing a backpack. “The students and the mother involved … will be held accountable for their actions,” Moyer said. [Mid Hudson News, 1/18/2023]

WSMV-TV reported that a car that crashed into a mailbox in Nashville, Tennessee, on Jan. 14 was driven by an underage motorist —really underage, as in 5 years old. The child’s father, John Edwin Harris, 53, was seen by a witness grabbing the kid and running from the scene, police said. Officers found multiple open bottles of alcohol inside and ran the tags; when they arrived at Harris’ home, he was driving away in his wife’s car. He failed a field sobriety test, could barely stand up, and smelled of alcohol. He was charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident — where’s the child endangerment charge?! — and was released on $4,000 bond. [WSMV, 1/16/2023]

Repeat Offender

An unnamed 62-year-old man from Garfield Heights, Ohio, was arrested — for the 70th time — in early January after he allegedly stole a shopping cart full of packaged meat to sell to restaurants, WJW-TV reported. The Walmart in South Euclid alerted authorities to the theft; in the parking lot, the thief transferred the goods to a stolen suitcase and threw what wouldn’t fit in a dumpster. He told officers he sells the meat half-price to area restaurants. He was booked, again, for theft. [WSW, 1/10/2023]

It’s Come to This

Between Oct. 1 and Dec. 31 of 2022, U.S. Customs and Border Protection reported a 108 percent increase in a certain smuggled item at ports of entry, Fox5-TV reported on Jan. 18. It wasn’t fentanyl or heroin, though. Seized egg products and poultry were the hot catch as prices soared in the United States. “My advice is, don’t bring them over,” said CBP supervisory agriculture specialist Charles Payne. Or, he advised, if you do, declare them so you won’t be fined. Thirty eggs in Juarez, Mexico, cost $3.40 — a fraction of what they’d cost in the U.S. because of an outbreak of avian flu that forced producers to euthanize 43 million egg-laying hens. [Fox5, 1/18/2023]

Least Competent Criminal

Federal prosecutors charged Mohammed Chowdhury, 46, of Boston with one count of murder-for-hire on Jan. 17, ABC News reported, after he allegedly contracted with “hired killers,” aka federal agents, on the internet. Chowdhury had shared his wife’s and her boyfriend’s work and home locations, photos, and work schedules with the contractors, and wanted both of them snuffed out — all for $8,000, with a $500 down payment. The agents met with Chowdhury for two months to plan the murders. “No evidence. No evidence from like, you know, that, uh, I did something, you know?” Chowdhury told them. He was arrested as they met to collect the down payment; he could face up to 10 years in prison. [ABC News, 1/19/2023]

Awesome!

Dominican sailor Elvis Francois, 47, was rescued by the Colombian navy on Jan. 18 after surviving 24 days drifting from the island of St. Martin in the Netherlands Antilles, NPR reported. Francois said he had been making repairs to a sailboat when currents swept it out to sea. He scrawled “help” on the boat’s hull, then survived on a bottle of ketchup, garlic powder, seasoning cubes, and collected rainwater while he waited for a rescue. “I called my friends, they tried to contact me, but I lost the signal,” Francois said. “There was nothing else to do but sit and wait.” He finally caught the attention of a passing airplane by signaling with a mirror. “I thank the coast guard. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be telling the story,” he said. [NPR, 1/19/2023]

NEWS OF THE WEIRD
© 2023 Andrews McMeel Syndication.
Reprinted with permission.
All rights reserved.

Categories
Fun Stuff News of the Weird

News of the Weird: Week of 2/16/23

Ewwww

Muscle Shoals, Alabama, experienced a thunderstorm on Dec. 10 that brought more than lightning and heavy rain, WHNT-TV reported. The city’s utility board manager, James Vance, said lightning struck controls at a sewer pump station, which allowed almost 2,000 gallons of sewage to flow into the streets of the Camden Cove subdivision. The sludge eventually flowed into a stormwater retention pond, and utility crews were able to clean up the mess. [WHNT, 12/13/2022]

New World Order

People. Can’t we all agree that fast food isn’t worth a human life? On Dec. 12 at a KFC restaurant in St. Louis, Fox2-TV reported, a man in the drive-thru asked for corn with his meal. When the employee told him they were out of corn, he made threatening remarks, then drove up to the window displaying a handgun. A 25-year-old employee went outside to speak with the suspect, who allegedly shot him. The victim was hospitalized with his injuries. The suspect took off after the shooting; police are still looking for him. [Fox2, 12/13/2022]

Irony

Early on Jan. 14, in Monterrey, Mexico, Carlos Alonso, 32, allegedly broke a glass door at Christ the King Parish and entered, intending to rob the church, Catholic News Agency reported. But as he tried to flee with a statue of St. Michael the Archangel in hand, he tripped and fell on the angel’s sword, seriously wounding his neck. Passersby saw the injured Alonso and called for help; he is expected to be charged after he recovers from the fall. The statue was unharmed. [CNA, 1/17/2023]

Recent Alarming Headline

On Jan. 16, a drive-thru customer at a coffee shop in Auburn, Washington, wanted more than an extra shot, KCRA-TV reported. As the barista handed Matthew Darnell, 38, his change through the window, a surveillance camera caught him grabbing her arm and pulling her toward him as he fumbled with a zip tie. The barista was able to pull away from him and close the windows as his dollar bills went flying. He drove off, but a distinctive “Chevrolet” tattoo on his arm was captured on video, along with his side profile. Police later reported that Darnell had been arrested at his home in Auburn and was held on $500,000 bail. [KCRA, 1/19/2023]

Molehill, Meet Mountain

After getting into a dispute with staff at Jinling Purple Mountain Hotel in Shanghai on Jan. 10 over a misplaced laptop, a 28-year-old man named Chen decided to escalate, CBS News reported. He crashed his car through the glass lobby doors and careened around the space, knocking over fixtures and terrifying other guests, who tried to get the driver out of the car. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Are you crazy? Are you?” onlookers screamed at him. As he attempted to exit the lobby, he hit a door frame and came to a stop, and police took him into custody. It turns out the laptop had been stolen and was found outside the hotel; no one was injured. [CBS News, 1/11/2023]

Fail

When Minnechaug Regional High School in Wilbraham, Massachusetts, was built in 2012, the district installed a high-tech lighting system that was intended to save on energy costs, NBC News reported. But the software that controls the lights failed on Aug. 24, 2021, and every light in the school has been on since then. Aaron Osborne, the assistant superintendent for the district, says the glitch is costing taxpayers “in the thousands of dollars per month on average, but not in the tens of thousands.” Teachers have removed bulbs where possible, and staff have shut off breakers to darken some of the exterior lighting. But help is on the way! Parts from China have arrived to fix the problem, which is expected to be completed in February. [NBC News, 1/19/2023]

Send your weird news items with subject line WEIRD NEWS to WeirdNewsTips@amuniversal.com.

News of the Weird is now a podcast on all major platforms! Find out more at newsoftheweirdpodcast.com.

NEWS OF THE WEIRD
© 2023 Andrews McMeel Syndication.
Reprinted with permission.
All rights reserved.

Categories
Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 2/16/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries director Francis Ford Coppola was asked to name the year’s worst movie. The question didn’t interest him, he said. He listed his favorite films, then declared, “Movies are hard to make, so I’d say, all the other ones were fine!” Coppola’s comments remind me of author Dave Eggers’: “Do not dismiss a book until you have written one, and do not dismiss a movie until you have made one, and do not dismiss a person until you have met them.” In accordance with astrological omens, Aries, your assignment is to explore and embody these perspectives. Refrain from judging efforts about which you have no personal knowledge. Be as open-minded and generous as you can. Doing so will give you fuller access to half-dormant aspects of your own potentials.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Artist Andy Warhol said, only half in jest, “Being good in business is the most fascinating kind of art. Making money is art, and working is art, and good business is the best art.” More than any other sign, Tauruses embody this attitude with flare. When you are at your best, you’re not a greedy materialist who places a higher value on money than everything else. Instead, you approach the gathering of necessary resources, including money, as a fun art project that you perform with love and creativity. I invite you to ascend to an even higher octave of this talent.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are gliding into the Season of Maximum Volition, Autonomy, and Liberty. Now is a favorable time to explore and expand the pleasures of personal sovereignty. You will be at the peak of your power to declare your independence from influences that hinder and limit you. To prepare, try two experiments. 1. Act as if free will is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing. Then visualize what your destiny would be like. 2. Act as if free will is real. Imagine that in the coming months you can have more of it at your disposal than ever before. What will your destiny be like?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The ethereal, dreamy side of your nature must continually find ways to express itself beautifully and playfully. And I do mean “continually.” If you’re not always allowing your imagination to roam and romp around in Wonderland, your imagination may lapse into spinning out crabby delusions. Luckily, I don’t think you will have any problems attending to this necessary luxury in the coming weeks. From what I can tell, you will be highly motivated to generate fluidic fun by rambling through fantasy realms. Bonus! I suspect this will generate practical benefits.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t treat your allies or yourself with neglect and insensitivity. For the sake of your mental and physical health, you need to do the exact opposite. I’m not exaggerating! To enhance your well-being, be almost ridiculously positive. Be vigorously nice and rigorously kind. Bestow blessings and dole out compliments, both to others and yourself. See the best and expect the best in both others and yourself.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Is there a bug in the sanctuary of love? A parasite or saboteur? If so, banish it. Is there a cranky monster grumbling in the basement or attic or closet? Feed that creature chunks of raw cookie dough imbued with a crushed-up valium pill. Do you have a stuffed animal or holy statue to whom you can spill your deep, dark, delicious secrets? If not, get one. Have you been spending quality time rumbling around in your fantasy world in quest of spectacular healings? If not, get busy. Those healings are ready for you to pluck them.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There’s a weird magic operating in your vicinity these days — a curious, uncanny kind of luck. So while my counsel here might sound counterintuitive, I think it’s true. Here are four affirmations to chant regularly: 1. “I will attract and acquire what I want by acting as if I don’t care if I get what I want.” 2. “I will become grounded and relaxed with the help of beautiful messes and rowdy fun.” 3. “My worries and fears will subside as I make fun of them and joke about them.” 4. “I will activate my deeper ambition by giving myself permission to be lazy.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): How many people would fight for their country? Below I list the countries where my horoscopes are published and the percentage of their populations ready and willing to take up arms against their nations’ enemies: 11 percent in Japan; Netherlands, 15 percent; Italy, 20 percent; France, 29 percent; Canada, 30 percent; U.S., 44 percent. So I surmise that Japanese readers are most likely to welcome my advice here, which is threefold: 1. The coming months will be a good time to cultivate your love for your country’s land, people, and culture, but not for your country’s government and armed forces. 2. Minimize your aggressiveness unless you invoke it to improve your personal life — in which case, pump it up and harness them. 3. Don’t get riled up about vague abstractions and fear-based fantasies. But do wield your constructive militancy on behalf of intimate, practical improvements.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): By the time she was 33, Sagittarian actor Jane Fonda was famous and popular. She had already won many awards, including an Oscar. Then she became an outspoken opponent of America’s war in Vietnam. Some of her less liberal fans were outraged. For a few years, her success in films waned. Offers didn’t come easily to her. She later explained that while the industry had not completely “blacklisted” her, she had been “greylisted.” Despite the setback, she kept working — and never diluted her political activism. By the time she was in her forties, her career and reputation had fully recovered. Today, at age 84, she is busy with creative projects. In accordance with astrological rhythms, I propose we make her your role model in the coming months. May she inspire you to be true to your principles even if some people disapprove. Be loyal to what you know is right.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Charles V (1500–1558) had more than 20 titles, including Holy Roman Emperor, King of Spain, Archduke of Austria, and Lord of the Netherlands. He was also a patron of the arts and architecture. Once, while visiting the renowned Italian painter Titian to have his portrait done, he did something no monarch had ever done. When Titian dropped his paintbrush on the floor, Charles humbly picked it up and gave it to him. I foresee a different but equally interesting switcheroo in your vicinity during the coming weeks. Maybe you will be aided by a big shot or get a blessing from someone you consider out of your league. Perhaps you will earn a status boost or will benefit from a shift in a hierarchy.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some people I respect regard the Bible as a great work of literature. I don’t share that view. Like psychologist Valerie Tarico, I believe the so-called good book is filled with “repetition, awkward constructions, inconsistent voice, weak character development, boring tangents, and passages where nobody can tell what the writer meant to convey.” I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I believe now is a good time to rebel against conventional wisdom, escape from experts’ opinions, and formulate your own unique perspectives about pretty much everything. Be like Valerie Tarico and me.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I suspect that arrivederci and au revoir and sayōnara will overlap with birth cries and welcomes and initiations in the coming days. Are you beginning or ending? Leaving or arriving? Letting go or hanging on? Here’s what I think: You will be beginning and ending; leaving and arriving; letting go and hanging on. That could be confusing, but it could also be fun. The mix of emotions will be rich and soulful.

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Fun Stuff Metaphysical Connection

February is for Lovers

February might be the shortest month of the year, but it is packed with meaning. February is the month of love, hosting Valentine’s Day on the 14th. What better tarot card to discuss this week than The Lovers card?

In tarot, The Lovers is card number six of the Major Arcana. The Major Arcana section of tarot represents the big picture in our lives, marking milestone events or major turning points. The Lovers card is about love, but there is so much more to it than romance.

To get a fuller understanding of The Lovers, let’s look at its number, six. Sixes in tarot reflect our journey to harmony and unity, not just with ourselves but with others. The number six calls us to engage with society. As we learn and grow through our interactions, we change. The number six of The Lovers card tells us that, going forward, things will be different, and our experiences with The Lovers card will leave us transformed.

With a name like The Lovers, it’s natural that love is the first thing we think of when we see this card. If you are looking for romance in your life and you see The Lovers in a reading, it is a good indication that what you are looking for is in your future. As an attraction card, The Lovers represents those feelings of excitement, hopefulness, and joy of new love. It represents the allure and passion of love that can be hard to define. The Lovers represents a romantic partnership between people that is complementary and uplifting to both parties. If you are considering taking your relationship to the next level, The Lovers card is a welcome indication that it’s time to get more serious and that your relationship is well-matched.

The Lovers card is also about choices. With each person we meet, we have the ability to choose to be in a relationship with them — whether it’s a friendship, business, or romantic relationship. With The Lovers card, you are choosing love — and choosing the person you want to express that love with. The Lovers also represents those choices we make when we truly desire something. The attraction and allure of the card doesn’t end with people but can symbolize decisions we make in our lives.

Imagine that you are content with your life. You go about your days not seeking any changes. Then, out of the blue, you see a job posting for a job you’ve always wanted. Now that you know your dream job is available, do you apply and pursue it, even though it means changing your career? Or do you ignore it? The excitement and the almost spiritual pull of that dream job is an example of the choices we have to make with The Lovers.

All choices come with a consequence — good, bad, or indifferent. If we make the choice to pursue our dream job, then we may find ourselves changing careers when we didn’t plan on it. We might find ourselves with pressure to relocate. We now have to accept and deal with the consequences of the choice we made. The Lovers is about moving toward a more harmonious lifestyle, which means things in our life will change, and those changes can be lasting. There may be a sacrifice you must make in order to have this dream. In some ways, all commitment is a sacrifice, but one made for the right reason or person can help you grow as an individual.

The next time you receive a reading and The Lovers card appears, get ready! The person, thing, or situation you’ve been manifesting is on its way. Now you have to make sure you are ready for the love and the choices it will bring into your life. Until your ideal partner or situation arrives, live your life in harmony and unity with yourself and others so that you are in a space of love and ready to receive your blessing that The Lovers card brings.

Emily Guenther is a co-owner of The Broom Closet metaphysical shop. She is a Memphis native, professional tarot reader, ordained Pagan clergy, and dog mom.

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Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 2/09/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): During my quest for advice that might be helpful to your love life, I plucked these words of wisdom from author Sam Kean: “Books about relationship talk about how to ‘get’ the love you need, how to ‘keep’ love, and so on. But the right question to ask is, ‘How do I become a more loving human being?’” In other words, Aries, here’s a prime way to enhance your love life: Be less focused on what others can give you and more focused on what you can give to others. Amazingly, that’s likely to bring you all the love you want.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You have the potential to become even more skilled at the arts of kissing and cuddling and boinking than you already are. How? Here are some possibilities. 1. Explore fun experiments that will transcend your reliable old approaches to kissing and cuddling and boinking. 2. Read books to open your mind. I like Margot Anand’s The New Art of Sexual Ecstasy. 3. Ask your partner(s) to teach you everything about what turns them on. 4. Invite your subconscious mind to give you dreams at night that involve kissing and cuddling and boinking. 5. Ask your lover(s) to laugh and play and joke as you kiss and cuddle and boink.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are an Italian wolf searching for food in the Apennine Mountains. You’re a red-crowned crane nesting in a wetland in the East Hokkaido region of Japan. You’re an olive tree thriving in a salt marsh in southern France, and you’re a painted turtle basking in a pool of sunlight on a beach adjoining Lake Michigan. And much, much more. What I’m trying to tell you, Gemini, is that your capacity to empathize is extra strong right now. Your smart heart should be so curious and open that you will naturally feel an instinctual bond with many life forms, including a wide array of interesting humans. If you’re brave, you will allow your mind to expand to experience telepathic powers. You will have an unprecedented knack for connecting with simpatico souls.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): My Cancerian friend Juma says, “We have two choices at all times: creation or destruction. Love creates and everything else destroys.” Do you agree? She’s not just talking about romantic love, but rather love in all forms, from the urge to help a friend, to the longing to seek justice for the dispossessed, to the compassion we feel for our descendants. During the next three weeks, your assignment is to explore every nuance of love as you experiment with the following hypothesis: To create the most interesting and creative life for yourself, put love at the heart of everything you do.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I hope you get ample chances to enjoy deep soul kisses in the coming weeks. Not just perfunctory lip-to-lip smooches and pecks on the cheeks, but full-on intimate sensual exchanges. Why do I recommend this? How could the planetary positions be interpreted to encourage a specific expression of romantic feeling? I’ll tell you, Leo: The heavenly omens suggest you will benefit from exploring the frontiers of wild affection. You need the extra sweet, intensely personal communion that comes best from the uninhibited mouth-to-mouth form of tender sharing. Here’s what Leo poet Diane di Prima said: “There are as many kinds of kisses as there are people on earth, as there are permutations and combinations of those people. No two people kiss alike — no two people fuck alike — but somehow the kiss is more personal, more individualized than the fuck.”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Borrowing the words of poet Oriah from her book The Dance: Moving to the Deep Rhythms of Your Life, I’ve prepared a love note for you to use as your own this Valentine season. Feel free to give these words to the person whose destiny needs to be woven more closely together with yours. Oriah writes, “Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be someday. Show me you can risk being at peace with the way things are right now. Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiraling down into the ache within the ache. Take me to the places on the Earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libran author Walter Lippmann wrote, “The emotion of love is not self-sustaining; it endures only when lovers love many things together, and not merely each other.” That’s great advice for you during the coming months. I suggest that you and your allies — not just your romantic partners, but also your close companions — come up with collaborative projects that inspire you to love many things together. Have fun exploring and researching subjects that excite and awaken and enrich both of you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio writer Paul Valéry wrote, “It would be impossible to love anyone or anything one knew completely. Love is directed towards what lies hidden in its object.” My challenge to you, Scorpio, is to test this hypothesis. Do what you can to gain more in-depth knowledge of the people and animals and things you love. Uncover at least some of what’s hidden. All the while, monitor yourself to determine how your research affects your affection and care. Contrary to what Valéry said, I’m guessing this will enhance and exalt your love.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In his book Unapologetically You, motivational speaker Steve Maraboli writes, “I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” That’s always good advice, but I believe it should be your inspirational axiom in the coming weeks. More than ever, you now have the potential to forever transform your approach to relationships. You can shift away from wanting your allies to be different from what they are and make a strong push to love them just as they are.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I analyzed the astrological omens. Then I scoured the internet, browsed through 22 books of love poetry, and summoned memories of my best experiences of intimacy. These exhaustive efforts inspired me to find the words of wisdom that are most important for you to hear right now. They are from poet Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Stephen Mitchell): “For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): To get the most out of upcoming opportunities for intimacy, intensify your attunement to and reverence for your emotions. Why? As quick and clever as your mind can be, sometimes it neglects to thoroughly check in with your heart. And I want your heart to be wildly available when you get ripe chances to open up and deepen your alliances. Study these words from psychologist Carl Jung: “We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect; we apprehend it just as much by feeling. Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is, at best, only the half of truth, and must, if it be honest, also come to an understanding of its inadequacy.”

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “In love there are no vacations. Love has to be lived fully with its boredom and all that.” Author and filmmaker Marguerite Duras made that observation, and now I convey it to you — just in time for a phase of your astrological cycle when boredom and apathy could and should evolve into renewed interest and revitalized passion. But there is a caveat: If you want the interest and passion to rise and surge, you will have to face the boredom and apathy; you must accept them as genuine aspects of your relationship; you will have to cultivate an amused tolerance of them. Only then will they burst in full glory into renewed interest and revitalized passion.

Categories
Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 2/02/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Theoretically, you could offer to help a person who doesn’t like you. You could bring a gourmet vegan meal to a meat-eater or pay a compliment to a bigot. I suppose you could even sing beautiful love songs to annoyed passersby or recite passages from great literature to an 8-year-old immersed in his video game. But there are better ways to express your talents and dispense your gifts — especially now, when it’s crucial for your long-term mental health that you offer your blessings to recipients who will use them best and appreciate them most.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In esoteric astrology, Taurus rules the third eye. Poetically speaking, this is a subtle organ of perception, a sixth sense that sees through mere appearances and discerns the secret or hidden nature of things. Some people are surprised to learn about this theory. Doesn’t traditional astrology say that you Bulls are sober and well-grounded? Here’s the bigger view: The penetrating vision of an evolved Taurus is potent because it peels away superficial truths and uncovers deeper truths. Would you like to tap into more of this potential superpower? The coming weeks will be a good time to do so.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The ingredient you would need to fulfill the next stage of a fun dream is behind door #1. Behind door #2 is a vision of a creative twist you could do but haven’t managed yet. Behind door #3 is a clue that might help you achieve more disciplined freedom than you’ve known before. Do you think I’m exaggerating? I’m not. Here’s the catch: You may be able to open only one door before the magic spell wears off — unless you enlist the services of a consultant, ally, witch, or guardian angel to help you bargain with fate to provide even more of the luck that may be available.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I trust you are mostly ready for the educational adventures and experiments that are possible. The uncertainties that accompany them, whether real or imagined, will bring out the best in you. For optimal results, you should apply your nighttime thinking to daytime activities, and vice versa. Wiggle free of responsibilities unless they teach you noble truths. And finally, summon the intuitive powers that will sustain you and guide you through the brilliant shadow initiations. (PS: Take the wildest rides you dare as long as they are safe.)

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Fate has decreed, “Leos must be wanderers for a while.” You are under no obligation to obey this mandate, of course. Theoretically, you could resist it. But if you do indeed rebel, be sure your willpower is very strong. You will get away with outsmarting or revising fate only if your discipline is fierce and your determination is intense. Okay? So let’s imagine that you will indeed bend fate’s decree to suit your needs. What would that look like? Here’s one possibility: The “wandering” you undertake can be done in the name of focused exploration rather than aimless meandering.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I wish I could help you understand and manage a situation that has confused you. I’d love to bolster your strength to deal with substitutes that have been dissipating your commitment to the Real Things. In a perfect world, I could emancipate you from yearnings that are out of sync with your highest good. And maybe I’d be able to teach you to dissolve a habit that has weakened your willpower. And why can’t I be of full service to you in these ways? Because, according to my assessment, you have not completely acknowledged your need for this help. So neither I nor anyone else can provide it. But now that you’ve read this horoscope, I’m hoping you will make yourself more receptive to the necessary support and favors and relief.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I can’t definitively predict you will receive an influx of cash in the next three weeks. It’s possible, though. And I’m not able to guarantee you’ll be the beneficiary of free lunches and unexpected gifts. But who knows? They could very well appear. Torrents of praise and appreciation may flow, too, though trickles are more likely. And there is a small chance of solicitous gestures coming your way from sexy angels and cute maestros. What I can promise you for sure, however, are fresh eruptions of savvy in your brain and sagacity in your heart. Here’s your keynote, as expressed by the Queen of Sheba 700 years ago: “Wisdom is sweeter than honey, brings more joy than wine, illumines more than the sun, is more precious than jewels.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your assignment, Scorpio, is to cultivate a closer relationship with the cells that comprise your body. They are alive! Speak to them as you would to a beloved child or animal. In your meditations and fantasies, bless them with tender wishes. Let them know how grateful you are for the grand collaboration you have going, and affectionately urge them to do what’s best for all concerned. For you Scorpios, February is Love and Care for Your Inner Creatures Month.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Revamped and refurbished things are coming back for another look. Retreads and redemption-seekers are headed in your direction. I think you should consider giving them an audience. They are likely to be more fun or interesting or useful during their second time around. Dear Sagittarius, I suspect that the imminent future may also invite you to consider the possibility of accepting stand-ins and substitutes and imitators. They may turn out to be better than the so-called real things they replace. In conclusion, be receptive to Plan Bs, second choices, and alternate routes. They could lead you to the exact opportunities you didn’t know you needed.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Author Neil Gaiman declared, “I’ve never known anyone who was what he or she seemed.” While that may be generally accurate, it will be far less true about you Capricorns in the coming weeks. By my astrological reckoning, you will be very close to what you seem to be. The harmony between your deep inner self and your outer persona will be at record-breaking levels. No one will have to wonder if they must be wary of hidden agendas lurking below your surface. Everyone can be confident that what they see in you is what they will get from you. This is an amazing accomplishment! Congrats!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “I want to raise up the magic world all round me and live strongly and quietly there,” wrote Aquarian author Virginia Woolf in her diary. What do you think she meant by “raise up the magic world all round me”? More importantly, how would you raise up the magic world around you? Meditate fiercely and generously on that tantalizing project. The coming weeks will be an ideal time to attend to such a wondrous possibility. You now have extra power to conjure up healing, protection, inspiration, and mojo for yourself.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Before going to sleep, I asked my subconscious mind to bring a dream that would be helpful for you. Here’s what it gave me: In my dream, I was reading a comic book titled Zoe Stardust Quells Her Demon. On the first page, Zoe was facing a purple monster whose body was beastly but whose face looked a bit like hers. On page two, the monster chased Zoe down the street, but Zoe escaped. In the third scene, the monster was alone, licking its fur. In the fourth scene, Zoe sneaked up behind the monster and shot it with a blow dart that delivered a sedative, knocking it unconscious. In the final panel, Zoe had arranged for the monster to be transported to a lush uninhabited island where it could enjoy its life without bothering her. Now here’s my dream interpretation, Pisces: Don’t directly confront your inner foe or nagging demon. Approach stealthily and render it inert. Then banish it from your sphere, preferably forever.

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Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 1/26/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Noah Webster (1758–1843) worked for years to create the first definitive American dictionary. It became a cornucopia of revelation for poet Emily Dickinson (1830-1886). She said that for many years it was her “only companion.” One biographer wrote, “The dictionary was no mere reference book to her; she read it as a priest his breviary — over and over, page by page, with utter absorption.” Now would be a favorable time for you to get intimate with a comparable mother lode, Aries. I would love to see you find or identify a resource that will continually inspire you for the rest of 2023.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.” So declared Taurus philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein in his book Philosophical Investigations. Luckily for you Tauruses, you have a natural knack for making sure that important things don’t get buried or neglected, no matter how simple and familiar they are. And you’ll be exceptionally skilled at this superpower during the next four weeks. I hope you will be gracious as you wield it to enhance the lives of everyone you care about. All of us non-Bulls will benefit from the nudges you offer as we make our course corrections.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Poet Carolyn Kizer said the main subject of her work was this: “You cannot meet someone for a moment, or even cast eyes on someone in the street, without changing.” I agree with her. The people we encounter and the influences they exert make it hard to stay fixed in our attitudes and behavior. And the people we know well have even more profound transformative effects. I encourage you to celebrate this truth in the coming weeks. Thrive on it. Be extra hungry for and appreciative of all the prods you get to transcend who you used to be and become who you need to be.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you have any interest in temporarily impersonating a Scorpio, the coming weeks will be a favorable time to play around. Encounters with good, spooky magic will be available. More easily than usual, you could enjoy altered states that tickle your soul with provocative insights. Are you curious about the mysteries of intense, almost obsessive passion? Have you wondered if there might be ways to deal creatively and constructively with your personal darkness? All these perks could be yours — and more. Here’s another exotic pleasure you may want to explore: that half-forbidden zone where dazzling heights overlap with the churning depths. You are hereby invited to tap into the erotic pleasures of spiritual experiments and the spiritual pleasures of erotic experiments.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The circle can and will be complete — if you’re willing to let it find its own way of completing itself. But I’m a bit worried that an outdated part of you may cling to the hope of a perfection that’s neither desirable nor possible. To that outdated part of you, I say this: Trust that the Future You will thrive on the seeming imperfections that arise. Trust that the imperfections will be like the lead that the Future You will alchemically transmute into gold. The completed circle can’t be and shouldn’t be immaculate and flawless.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Shakespeare’s work has been translated from his native English into many languages. But the books of Virgo detective novelist Agatha Christie have been translated far more than the Bard’s. (More info: tinyurl.com/ChristieTranslations.) Let’s make Christie your inspirational role model for the next four weeks. In my astrological estimation, you will have an extraordinary capacity to communicate with a wide variety of people. Your ability to serve as a mediator and go-between and translator will be at a peak. Use your superpower wisely and with glee!

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libran musician Franz Liszt (1811–1886) was a prolific and influential genius who created and played music with deep feeling. He was also physically attractive and charismatic. When he performed, some people in the audience swooned and sighed loudly as they threw their clothes and jewelry on stage. But there was another side of Liszt. He was a generous and attentive teacher for hundreds of piano students, and always offered his lessons free of charge. He also served as a mentor and benefactor for many renowned composers, including Wagner, Chopin, and Berlioz. I propose we make Liszt your inspirational role model for the next 11 months. May he rouse you to express yourself with flair and excellence, even as you shower your blessings on worthy recipients.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This may risk being controversial, but in the coming weeks, I’m giving you cosmic authorization to engage in what might appear to be cultural appropriation. Blame it on the planets! They are telling me that to expand your mind and heart in just the right ways, you should seek inspiration and teaching from an array of cultures and traditions. So I encourage you to listen to West African music and read Chinese poetry in translation and gaze at the art of Indigenous Australians. Sing Kabbalistic songs and say Lakota prayers and intone Buddhist chants. These are just suggestions. I will leave it to your imagination as you absorb a host of fascinating influences that amaze and delight and educate you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “All the world’s a stage,” Shakespeare wrote, “and all the men and women merely players.” That’s always true, but it will be even more intensely accurate for you in the coming weeks. High-level pretending and performing will be happening. The plot twists may revolve around clandestine machinations and secret agendas. It will be vital for you to listen for what people are NOT saying as well as the hidden and symbolic meanings behind what they are saying. But beyond all those cautionary reminders, I predict the stories you witness and are part of will often be interesting and fun.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In this horoscope, I offer you wisdom from Capricorn storyteller Michael Meade. It’s a rousing meditation for you in the coming months. Here’s Meade: “The genius inside a person wants activity. It’s connected to the stars; it wants to burn and it wants to create and it has gifts to give. That is the nature of inner genius.” For your homework, Capricorn, write a page of ideas about what your genius consists of. Throughout 2023, I believe you will express your unique talents and blessings and gifts more than you ever have before.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Greek writer Nikos Kazantzakis (1883–1957) was nominated nine times for the prestigious Nobel Prize in Literature, but never won. He almost broke through in the last year of his life, but French author Albert Camus beat him by one vote. Camus said Kazantzakis was “a hundred times more” deserving of the award than himself. I will make a wild prediction about you in the coming months, Aquarius. If there has been anything about your destiny that resembles Kazantzakis’, chances are good that it will finally shift. Are you ready to embrace the gratification and responsibility of prime appreciation?

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Piscean educator Parker Palmer has a crucial message for you to meditate on in the coming weeks. Read it tenderly, please. Make it your homing signal. He said, “Solitude does not necessarily mean living apart from others; rather, it means never living apart from one’s self. It is not about the absence of other people — it is about being fully present to ourselves, whether or not we are with others. Community does not necessarily mean living face-to-face with others; rather, it means never losing the awareness that we are connected to each other.”

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Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 1/19/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Good news, Aries! During the next episode in the age-old struggle between the Impulsive You and the Farsighted You, I predict the latter will achieve a ringing victory. Hallelujah! I also foresee you overcoming the temptation to quit a project prematurely, and instead pushing on to complete it. There’s more! You will refrain from knocking your head against an obstacle in the vain hope of toppling it. Instead, you will round up helpers to help you wield a battering ram that will produce the desired toppling.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You may not have a clear picture of where you’ll be going in the next five years. The detailed master plan that your higher self devised for you before you were born might even be obscure. But I’m here to tell you that in the coming weeks, a new lucidity can be yours. You can summon an acute instinct about which way is forward, if only you will recognize the subtle ways it’s speaking to you. In fact, I believe you will regularly know what move you should make next so as to expedite your long-term evolution. Life will be rewarding you with mysterious step-by-step guidance. Now please write a short statement affirming your intention to love, honor, and obey your intuition.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Do you believe in the existence of guardian angels and spirit guides and ancestors who can intervene in your behalf from the other side of the veil? Do you wonder if maybe your invisible friends from childhood show up in your vicinity now and then to offer you support and kindness? Or how about the animals you loved earlier in your life but who have since passed away? Is it possible their souls have never left you, but are available if you need their affection? Even if your rational mind tells you that none of these possibilities are authentic, Gemini, I suspect you will nevertheless be the beneficiary of their assistance in the coming weeks and months. Their influence will be even more potent if you proceed as if they are real.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Among your potential strengths as a human being are empathy, sensitivity, and emotional intelligence. You may or may not choose to develop these natural gifts. But if you do, they can be instrumental in helping you achieve the only kind of success that’s really meaningful for you — which is success that your heart and soul love as much as your head and your ego. According to my astrological analysis, you are moving into a phase of your cycle when you will have extra power to ripen your empathy, sensitivity, and emotional intelligence — and thereby enhance your ability to achieve the kind of success that’s meaningful for you.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Dear Rob the Astrologer: The computer firewall at my youth hostel is blocking your website. I am being told you practice ‘Illegal Folklore and Insurrectionary Fairy Tales.’ What the hell? Can you do anything at your end to get me access to your wonderful horoscopes? Maybe cut back a bit on your Illegal Folklore and Insurrectionary Fairy Tales? Haha. Just kidding. I love that crazy stuff. — Deprived Leo in Ireland.” Dear Deprived: Many of you Leos have lately had problems getting all the Illegal Folklore and Insurrectionary Fairy Tales you need. I hope you will push hard to compensate. In my estimation, you currently have a strong need for dreamy stories that appeal to the Wild Child in you. They’re essential to your mental and spiritual health.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life, Donald Miller acknowledges that fear can be a “guide to keep us safe.” Being afraid may indeed have its uses and benefits. But Miller adds that it’s also “a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.” In my astrological opinion, Virgo, fear will be of service to you — a guide to keep you safe — about 9 percent of the time in 2023. Around 83 percent of the time, it will be a manipulative emotion not worth acting on. For the other 8 percent, it will be neither. Please plan accordingly.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Select two sticky situations in your world that you would love to reinvent. Let other annoyances and glitches just slide for now. Then cultivate a focused desire to do everything in your power to transform the two awkward or messy circumstances. Proceed as if you will have to do all the work yourself — that nothing will change for the better unless you take full responsibility. If you’re absolutely sure this involves other people altering their behavior, consider the possibility that maybe your behavior needs to shift as well.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Three out of four toxic waste dumps in the U.S. are located in predominantly African-American or Latino communities. Two million tons of radioactive uranium tailings have been dumped on Native-American lands. Three hundred thousand Latino farm workers in the U.S. suffer from pesticide-related sicknesses every year. These travesties make me furious. More importantly, my rage motivates me to mitigate these travesties, like by educating my readers about them and donating money to groups crusading to fix the problems. In the coming weeks, Scorpio, I hope you will take advantage of your astrological potentials by using your anger constructively, too. Now is a favorable time for you to fight fiercely and tenderly for what’s right.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I predict that love will bring you many AHA! moments in 2023. You can’t fully prepare yourself for them — and that’s a good thing! The epiphanies will be brighter and deeper if they are unexpected. Your motivation to learn the available lessons will be wilder and stronger if you enjoy being surprised. So be ready for lots of entertaining rumbles and reverberations, Sagittarius. The adjustments you will be asked to make will often be strenuous and fun. The inspirations you will be invited to harvest will require you to outgrow some of your previous beliefs about the nature of intimacy and togetherness.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some insects are helpful to humans. For example, ladybugs devour aphids, which are highly destructive to crops. Damsel bugs eat the pests called leafhoppers, and lacewings feed on the pernicious nuisances known as mealybugs. I also remind you that some bugs are beautiful, like butterflies, dragonflies, and jeweled beetles. Keep these thoughts in mind, Capricorn, as you contemplate my counsel. Metaphorically speaking, you will have experiences with bugs in the next three weeks. But this won’t be a problem if you ally yourself with the good, helpful, and beautiful bugs.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): My Piscean pagan friend Valie says God is stealthy yet blatant, like a green chameleon perched on a green leaf. After analyzing the astrological omens, I conclude that this is a helpful, all-purpose metaphor for you to use in the coming weeks. I encourage you to be alert for beauty that is hidden in plain sight. See if you can spy the miracles embedded within the ordinary. Ask life to pleasantly blow your mind over and over again. Here’s your phrase of power: open secret.

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Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 1/12/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Nigerian author Wole Soyinka reworked the ancient Greek play, The Bacchae. In one passage, the god Dionysus criticizes King Pentheus, who is supposedly all-powerful. “You are a man of chains,” Dionysus tells him. “You love chains. You breathe chains, talk chains, eat chains, dream chains, think chains. Your world is bound in manacles.” The bad news, Aries, is that many of us have some resemblances to Pentheus. The good news is that the coming months will be a favorable time to shed at least some of your chains. Have fun liberating yourself! Try to help a few others wriggle free from their chains, too. Doing so will aid your own emancipation.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The coming weeks will be a great time to fill your journal with more intense ruminations than you have for many moons. If you don’t have a journal, think about starting one. Reveal yourself to yourself, Taurus! Make conscious that which has been vague, unnamed, or hiding. Here are assignments to help launch your flood of intimate self-talk. 1. Write passionately about an experience you’ve always wanted to try but have never done. 2. Conduct imaginary interviews with people who rouse strong feelings in you. 3. Describe what deity, superhero, or animal you are and how your special intelligence works. 4. Visualize a dream in which you appear as a bolder, more confident version of yourself. 5. Talk about a time you felt rousingly alive and how you plan to feel that way again.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A stranger approached me at Wild Birds Unlimited, a store that sells bird food and accessories. “You write the horoscopes, right?” she asked. “I’m a Gemini, and I want to thank you for helping me tone down my relentless fidgeting. You made me realize I have been secretly proud of tapping my fingers on the table while talking with people, and constantly darting my eyes around the room to check out the ever-changing views. I’d unconsciously believed that stuff was a sign of my incredible vitality. But you’ve been a steadying influence. You’ve shown me ways to settle down and focus my energy better. I can see how restlessness sometimes saps my energy.” I told the woman, “You’re welcome!” and let her know that 2023 will be a favorable time to do much more of this good work. Homework: Meditate on channeling your incredible vitality into being grounded and centered.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): According to Cancerian author Ronald Sukenick, the writer’s work is “to destroy restrictive viewpoints, notice the unnoticed, speak the unspeakable, shake stale habits, ward off evil, give vent to sorrow, pulverize doctrine, attack and uphold tradition as needed, and make life worth living.” I believe 2023 will be an excellent time for you to carry out those actions, even if you’re not a writer. You will have abundant power to bless and heal through creative rebellion and disruption. You will thrive as you seek out interesting novelty.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Psychotherapist Ryan Howes has wisdom you’ll benefit from heeding in the coming weeks. “We need to accept our age,” he writes. “We need to accept illnesses and addictions. We need to accept the past. We need to accept others as they are.” He goes on to say that this doesn’t mean we must like all these situations. And we can certainly try to make the best of them. But when we don’t struggle in vain to change what’s beyond our control to change, we have more energy for things that we can actually affect.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Here’s testimony from musician Pharrell Williams: “If someone asks me what inspires me, I always say, ‘That which is missing.’” Yes! This is an apt message for you, Virgo. The best way for you to generate motivation and excitement in the coming weeks will be to explore what is lacking, what is invisible, what’s lost or incomplete. Check in with your deep intuition right now. Do you feel a stirring in your gut? It may tell you where to find important and intriguing things that are missing.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “Every animal knows far more than you do,” declares a proverb of the Nimíipuu people, also known as the Nez Percé. Author Russell Banks provides further testimony to convince us we should be humble about our powers of awareness. “There is a wonderful intelligence to the unconscious,” he says. “It’s always smarter than we are.” These are good pointers for you to heed in the coming weeks, Libra. You will have a special power to enhance your understanding of the world by calling on the savvy of animals and your unconscious mind. They will be especially rich sources of wisdom. Seek out their educational input!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Psychologist Carl Jung said that the whole point of Jesus Christ’s story was not that we should become exactly like him. Rather, we should aspire to be our best and highest selves in the same way that he fulfilled his unique mission. So Jesus was not the great exception, but rather the great example. I bring these meditations to your attention, Scorpio, because I believe life in 2023 will conspire to make you, more than ever before, the hero of your own destiny. You will be inspired to honor only your own standards of success and reject all others’. You will clearly see that you are progressing at your own natural and righteous pace, which is why it makes no sense to compare your evolution to anyone else’s.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A reader named Mary Roseberry describes her experience of being a Sagittarius: “I hate to be bored. I hate imperfections. I hate to wait. I hate sadness. I hate conflict. I hate to be wrong. I hate tension.” Wow! I admire Mary’s succinct understanding of who she doesn’t want to be and what she doesn’t like to do. I invite you to compose a similar testimony. You would benefit from getting clear about the experiences you intend to avoid in 2023. Once you have done that, write a list of the interesting feelings and situations you will seek out with intense devotion during the coming months.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you will soon be called upon to summon grace under pressure; to express magnanimity while being challenged; to prove that your devotion to your high standards is more important than the transitory agendas of your ego. The good news is that you are primed and ready to succeed at these exact assignments. I have confidence in your power to activate the necessary courage and integrity with maximum poise and composure.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “By dying daily, I have come to be,” wrote poet Theodore Roethke. He didn’t mean he suffered literal deaths. He was referring to the discipline of letting go of the past; shedding worn-out habits; leaving behind theories and attitudes that once served him well but no longer did; killing off parts of himself that were interfering with the arrival of the fresh future. I recommend his strategy to you, Pisces. To the degree that you agree to die daily, you will earn the right to be reborn big-time in a few weeks.

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Astrology Fun Stuff

Free Will Astrology: Week of 1/5/23

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “My life was the best omelet you could make with a chain saw,” observed flamboyant author Thomas McGuane. That’s a witty way to encapsulate his tumultuous destiny. There have been a few moments in 2022 when you might have been tempted to invoke a similar metaphor about your own evolving story. But the good news is that your most recent chain saw-made omelet is finished and ready to eat. I think you’ll find its taste is savory. And I believe it will nourish you for a long time. (Soon it will be time to start your next omelet, maybe without using the chain saw this time!)

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): After meticulous research of 2023’s astrological omens, I have come to a radical conclusion: You should tell the people who care for you that you’d like to be called by new pet names. I think you need to intensify their ability and willingness to view you as a sublime creature worthy of adoration. I don’t necessarily recommend you use old standbys like “cutie,” “honey,” “darling,” or “angel.” I’m more in favor of unique and charismatic versions, something like “Jubilee” or “Zestie” or “Fantasmo” or “Yowie-Wowie.” Have fun coming up with pet names that you are very fond of. The more, the better.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If I could choose some fun and useful projects for you to master in 2023, they would include the following: 1. Be in constant competition with yourself to outdo past accomplishments. But at the same time, be extra compassionate toward yourself. 2. Borrow and steal other people’s good ideas and use them with even better results than they would use them. 3. Acquire an emerald or two, or wear jewelry that features emeralds. 4. Increase your awareness of and appreciation for birds. 5. Don’t be attracted to folks who aren’t good for you just because they are unusual or interesting. 6. Upgrade your flirting so it’s even more nuanced and amusing, while at the same time you make sure it never violates anyone’s boundaries.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): When she was young, Carolyn Forché was a conventional poet focused on family and childhood. But she transformed. Relocating to El Salvador during its civil war, she began to write about political trauma. Next, she lived in Lebanon during its civil war. She witnessed firsthand the tribulations of military violence and the imprisonment of activists. Her creative work increasingly illuminated questions of social justice. At age 72, she is now a renowned human rights advocate. In bringing her to your attention, I don’t mean to suggest that you engage in an equally dramatic self-reinvention. But in 2023, I do recommend drawing on her as an inspirational role model. You will have great potential to discover deeper aspects of your life’s purpose — and enhance your understanding of how to offer your best gifts.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Are the characters in Carlos Castañeda’s books on shamanism fictional or real? It doesn’t matter to me. I love the wisdom of his alleged teacher, Don Juan Matus. He said, “Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use.” Don Juan’s advice is perfect for you in the coming nine months, Leo. I hope you will tape a copy of his words on your bathroom mirror and read it at least once a week.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Teacher and author Byron Katie claims, “The voice within is what I’m married to. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from.” I happen to know that she has also been married for many years to a writer named Stephen Mitchell. So she has no problem being wed to both Mitchell and her inner voice. In accordance with astrological omens, I invite you to propose marriage to your own inner voice. The coming year will be a fabulous time to deepen your relationship with this crucial source of useful and sacred revelation.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libran philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche offered advice that is perfect for you in 2023. It’s strenuous. It’s demanding and daunting. If you take it to heart, you will have to perform little miracles you may not yet have the confidence to try. But I have faith in you, Libra. That’s why I don’t hesitate to provide you with Nietzsche’s rant: “No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life. There may be countless trails and bridges and demigods who would gladly carry you across; but only at the price of pawning and forgoing yourself. There is one path in the world that none can walk but you. Where does it lead? Don’t ask, walk!”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): How might you transform the effects of the limitations you’ve been dealing with? What could you do to make it work in your favor as 2023 unfolds? I encourage you to think about these question with daring and audacity. The more moxie you summon, the greater your luck will be in making the magic happen. Here’s another riddle to wrestle with: What surrender or sacrifice could you initiate that might lead in unforeseen ways to a plucky breakthrough? I have a sense that’s what will transpire as you weave your way through the coming months in quest of surprising opportunities.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sagittarian singer Tina Turner confided, “My greatest beauty secret is being happy with myself.” I hope you will experiment with that formula in 2023. I believe the coming months will potentially be a time when you will be happier with yourself than you have ever been before — more at peace with your unique destiny, more accepting of your unripe qualities, more in love with your depths, and more committed to treating yourself with utmost care and respect. Therefore, if Tina Turner is accurate, 2023 will also be a year when your beauty will be ascendant.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “I’m homesick all the time,” writes author Sarah Addison Allen. “I just don’t know where home is. There’s this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. But it’s like chasing the moon. Just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon.” If you have ever felt pangs like hers, Capricorn, I predict they will fade in 2023. That’s because I expect you will clearly identify the feeling of home you want — and thereby make it possible to find and create the place, the land, and the community where you will experience a resounding peace and stability.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Storyteller Michael Meade tells us, “The ship is always off course. Anybody who sails knows that. Sailing is being off-course and correcting. That gives a sense of what life is about.” I interpret Meade’s words to mean that we are never in a perfect groove heading directly towards our goal. We are constantly deviating from the path we might wish we could follow with unfailing accuracy. That’s not a bug in the system; it’s a feature. And as long as we obsess on the idea that we’re not where we should be, we are distracted from doing our real work. And the real work? The ceaseless corrections. I hope you will regard what I’m saying here as one of your core meditations in 2023, Aquarius.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A Chinese proverb tells us, “Great souls have wills. Feeble souls have wishes.” I guess that’s true in an abstract way. But in practical terms, most of us are a mix of both great and feeble. We have a modicum of willpower and a bundle of wishes. In 2023, though, you Pisceans could make dramatic moves to strengthen your willpower as you shed wimpy wishes. In my psychic vision of your destiny, I see you feeding metaphorical iron supplements to your resolve and determination.