Perhaps the nadir of last week for me came Saturday morning, as I was standing in a sudden downpour with my two leashed dogs, imploring them to, well, pee.
“C’mon, Olive! Pee and you get a treat! C’mon, girls, pee! Don’t you want a treat?”
Their ears always perk when they hear the sacred T-word, but they never seem to make the connection as to how relieving themselves might make the magic happen, and so on we trudged along the flooded Midtown sidewalks until at last the deeds were done and we could return home to shake ourselves dry.
Seriously, can we all agree that last week was insane? Twelve inches of rain in four days? They called it a “generational event.” Maybe, but does anybody remember the great flood of 2011? Seems less than a generation ago.
My rain-crazed friends and I spent the afternoon sending each other flood videos gleaned from social media or local TV websites. Overton Park is under water! Union Avenue is closed! Poplar is shut down! Stay away from East Parkway! Giant tree fell on Cooper! There’s a guy kayaking by Ecco!
There were several images of sad people standing beside their cars in waist-deep water, victims of the kind of foolish optimism that leads someone into thinking their Corolla is a Humvee. We got 5.5 inches in a single day, a record for April.
By Sunday, we were down to an occasional drizzle, but there’s more moisture to come, folks. That giant anaconda of a storm squatted over the center of the country for several days, and all of that water is headed our way, spilling down the countless rivers, streams, creeks, and ditches that feed into the Ohio, Illinois, Tennessee, and Missouri rivers, and ultimately, the Mississippi. A rise of two feet a day on the lower Mississippi (that’s us), is considered a big deal. The river rose 5.6 feet(!) at Memphis on Monday and is predicted to rise more than 20 feet before it crests at 37 feet on April 14th — three feet above flood stage. The 2011 flood crested at 48 feet, but still, the redesigned Tom Lee Park may be tested.
But all of this wacky weather was really just background noise as the country was being “looted, pillaged, raped, and plundered by nations near and far” and cruelly denied a “turn to prosper.” Or at least that’s what was happening in the spacious cranium of Donald Trump, as he proclaimed last Wednesday “Liberation Day” and imposed tariffs on, well, every country in the world except Russia. He was like Oprah Winfrey on a bender: “You get a tariff, and you get a tariff, and you get a tariff! And everyone gets a global market collapse.” Good times!
Noted leftist hippie rag, The Economist, described the proceedings thusly: “It’s hard to know which is more unsettling: that the leader of the free world could spout complete drivel about its most successful and admired economy. Or the fact that on April 2nd, spurred on by his delusions, Donald Trump announced the biggest break in America’s trade policy in over a century — and committed the most profound, harmful, and unnecessary economic error in the modern era.”
Out of curiosity, I went around my house checking manufacturing labels. Here’s a partial list of things I own that were made in another country: toaster oven, blender, coffee maker, knife sharpener, microwave, vacuum cleaner, nine lamps, two televisions, stereo and turntable, hair dryer, washer and dryer. If I’d gone out to the garage, I could have kept going, starting with my Subaru and working through all my tools and battery-powered lawn care devices. I do own two American guitars and a Kershaw pocket knife.
All that stuff is soon going to cost, at minimum, 20 percent more, thanks to Tariff-Boy’s McKinley wet dream. Hope you like the idea of $1,500 iPhones. Not to mention, everyone’s 401(k) is in the toilet and the IRS’ and Social Security’s computer programs are being rewritten by Elon Musk’s unrestrained junior code-hackers. What, me worry?
There was at least some good news. Trump sent out this announcement on Saturday: “The President won his second round matchup of the Senior Club Championship today in Jupiter, FL, and advances to the Championship Round tomorrow.” Priorities! I bet you can’t guess who won.