Category: The BruceV Blog

This is priceless. I particularly like the quotes from the guys in bars. And the bar owner’s take: “Rednecks, guns, and alcohol don’t mix.” Except in the state legislature, I suppose.

Today is the first day you can legally pack your legal pistol(s) into a restaurant that serves alcohol in Tennessee. The Memphis Restaurant Association is offering pre-printed “No Guns” signs to association members who want them. I’m very curious to see which option my regular joints choose. I’m also wondering how long before we’ll have to add a “Guns Allowed” or “No Guns” icon to our restaurant listings.

This is no small thing. I mean, well, it is actually small, but a publication’s restaurant listings are gold. The public relies on them, in print and increasingly online, to be accurate and up to date. Memphis magazine staffers spend many hours making calls to keep the listings fresh. (The Flyer uses the same listings on its website.) The mag’s listings are without question the most complete and accurate in town. People will want to know if a restaurant allows guns, just as they want to know if a restaurant serves wine or is handicap accessible. There’s a little symbol box in the magazine that accompanies the listings. “B” means breakfast; FB means full bar; MRA means the restaurant is a member, etc. So will we add a “GA” icon or a “NG” icon?

We’ll probably decide based on which one will mean less work for the staff. If most restaurants allow guns, then it would be easier to go the “NG” route, since there would fewer changes to make. Decisions, decisions. Damn you, Tennessee legislature.

You know what I’d really, really, really like to see? All Tennessee Applebee’s with an “NG”. Heh. Probably won’t happen, though. Damn you, Applebee’s.

I’m also really curious to see how a particular restaurant’s stand on guns might impact large dinner groups, where some in the group might be boycotting certain restaurants for their stand — either way — on guns. The mind boggles at the possibilities when, say, a large civic group has to pick a restaurant for its annual dinner.

Fun times. I’m going out after work for a shot and a beer at Celtic. Maybe.

Most Memphians I’ve talked to over the past few days have one thing on their mind: The continuing soap opera at City Hall in the wake of Mayor Herenton’s resignation/retirement/do-over/whatever. It’s been a nonstop episode of “who’s on first?”

A professional wrestler, Jerry Lawler, throws his leotard into the mayor’s race, and in one of the more irony-challenged statements of all time, claims it’s because the city “has become a laughingstock.” Kenneth Whalum, a school board member and minister famous for posting the line, “Jesus Said, Bring Me That Ass”, among other stupid things, on his church’s marquee, believes he can bring dignity back to the office and, just incidentally, keep it in African-American hands, where he thinks it belongs. Former city councilman Edmund Ford has all but declared he plans to run, bringing his own special brand of crazy posturing to the fray. County mayor AC Wharton, the odds-on favorite, goes on Thaddeus Matthews’ radio loon-party and chuckles and smiles as Tha Matt throws all manner of racist crap in his face.

Toss in some of the usual suspects — Myron Lowery, Carol Chumney, Herman Morris, Sharon Webb, Charles Carpenter and no doubt others — and it’s about as scary a spectacle of a mayor’s race as one could possibly imagine. Think for a moment about this entire bunch up on a “debate” stage together, moderated by, say, Otis Sanford and Joe Birch. That show could rival anything Jerry Springer could come up with. The YouTube possibilities alone are wondrous to ponder.

So yes, things are scary here in Memphis, Tennessee. The upcoming mayor’s race promises to be terrifying and ridiculous. It would be funny if it weren’t for the fact that a major American city is faced with the very real possibility of electing a totally unqualified or totally nuts — or both — human being as its mayor.

How could it get any worse? I don’t know. But I can think of one thing to be thankful for — that it wasn’t Janis Fullilove’s year to be City Council chairman. Interim Mayor Janis Fullilove! How does that sound to you? Whee!

I want to praise some outlets in the American media for their remarkable restraint in not over-covering the death of Michael Jackson. For example, I just tuned into the Travel Channel, and not a word from Anthony Bourdain! Also, on the Food Network, they were checking out American diners, and tastefully ignoring Jackson’s tragic passage into ForeverLand. Likewise, on the Outdoors Channel, the smallmouth bass fishermen on lake Ocheewonka went about their business with admirable dignity, never once uttering MJ’s name.

Over on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, NBC, CBS, ABC, E, Comedy Central, etc. etc. etc. — it was a slightly different story. ELEPHANTS! Crying family members! Fans with MJ tattoos! Elephants with MJ tattoos! Matt Lauer with an MJ tattoo! Crying elephants! A parade with a coffin!! Hysterical crying fans with elephant tattoos! CELEBRITIES! MUSIC!

As John Lennon said when hearing of Elvis Presley’s death: “Good career move.” I say, let the poor man die in peace, already. This is unseemly stuff. Thankfully, nothing else is going on in the world, so our major news outlets can focus on what’s really important.

Reportedly, when Jackson was asked in 1992 about what he would want at his funeral, he said: “It’s going to be the greatest show on earth. That’s what I want. Fireworks and everything.”

Check.

Dear AC,
If you lie down with dogs, you may wake up with fleas. Similarly, if you go on a radio show hosted by a political opportunist, don’t be surprised if he asks you questions designed to embarrass you. I’m speaking, of course, of Thaddeus Matthews, who asked you the following question: “Is it important to you as a black man that blacks stay in control of the mayor’s office?”

You fluffed it, Mr. Mayor, stumbling around trying to assuage Matthews and any potential voters you thought you might displease by giving a straightforward answer, which would go something like this:

“What’s important, Thaddeus, is that the city of Memphis elect the best possible people to run this city. I happen to be black, and I happen to think I am the best man for this job. I will represent all the citizens of Memphis to the best of my ability, be they black, white, or any other shade of the rainbow. With the election of Barack Obama, this country has shown that we can move beyond racism. It’s time for Memphis to do the same. Your question is an insult, Thaddeus. And you are an embarrassment. Good day.”

That answer, Mr. Wharton, would have gotten you a real headline — and a lot more votes — than the hemming and hawing you offered to Matthews.

It looks to me as if the next 90 days are going to be a free-for-all. The winner of the mayoral election will likely be the candidate who can create a coalition of voters — black, white, and, yes, brown — rather than relying on a segment of one racial base. Wharton is best positioned — right now — to be a unifier, but performances like the one he offered on Matthews’ show can only hurt him.

I think Memphis politicians would be best advised to take their cue from Dr. Martin Luther King, and base their campaigns on the content of their character, not the color of their skin. That’s not idealism, by the way. That’s practical advice. Also, it’s never a good idea to let yourself be interviewed by a loose cannon with an agenda and a microphone.

From Wikipedia: Asshole (or arsehole in British English) is slang for the anus and is often used as an insult. It is formed from arse, which according to the Oxford English Dictionary has been used since the 11th century to refer to the rump of an animal and since the 14th century to refer to a person’s buttocks. The combined form arsehole is first attested from 1500 in its literal use to refer to the anus. … Its first appearance as an insult term in a newspaper indexed by Google News is in 1965.

At least the mayor has history on his side. In his interview with Jackson Baker in this week’s Flyer, Memphis mayor Willie Herenton called his future congressional opponent, Steve Cohen, an “asshole.” In discussing what might have happened if he had run into Harold Ford downtown after a heated phone conversation with the former congressman, Herenton said, “I would have whipped his ass.” Is there a pattern here?

There is, and it’s classic Willie Herenton verbiage, designed to get attention and stir up a reaction — for better or worse. When Jackson called me after the interview on Monday and drolly reported the mayor’s remarks, I was amazed but not shocked. I was also a happy editor, since I knew we had a bombshell quote that was sure to draw readers to the paper and to the website. (Is that so wrong?) As I wrote in my column this week, Herenton is the Memphis media’s best friend. That doesn’t mean it’s good for the city. Just the opposite.

At some point — a long time ago, in Herenton’s case — the game grew wearisome. Attention for attention’s sake makes Herenton a happy man, but it does nothing to move this city forward. Such name-calling antics are divisive, childish, and create heat, not light, at a time when this city desperately needs to unite and move toward the light of progress.

This adolescent, tough-guy chatter needs to become history. The exception being that most Memphians would probably tell the mayor not to let the screen-door hit him in the ass on the way out.

In recent days, lots of folks have begun jumping the HMS Herenton before it leaves the dock, taking lovely parting gifts in the form of 5- and 6-figure pensions. (As God is their witness, they’ll never have to guard another body!)

And now, the city’s various legal eagles have also signed off on a final parting gift from the taxpayers: A $426,422 payment to cover former MLGW head Joseph Lee’s legal fees, owed to former city attorney Robert Spence. Take out weekends and holidays, and Spence billed Lee more than $1,000 a day for the 489 days he handled the case! This bill is absurdly high and if it’s not an absolute rip-off of the taxpayers of Memphis, Spence at least should have to prove it. Remember, this case didn’t even go to trial!

A little backstory: The MLGW board initially voted to pay Lee’s legal fees, because, well, that’s how they roll. Keep things cozy and civil. No big deal. What’s a half-million-dollar legal fee among friends? The City Council, thinking that $1,000 a day over the course of a year and a half was just a tad excessive, voted not to pay the fees. It should be noted that the council’s attorney is former city attorney Alan Wade, who is ALSO a former law partner of Spence’s (Thanks, Marty!).

Today, we learned that the city’s legal department, headed by current city attorney, Elbert Jefferson, decided to go ahead and “settle” the dispute by paying Lee’s bill. I’m not a lawyer (though I’m married to one), but in my experience, a settlement is a compromise. This was more like a full capitulation, a cozy “let’s not take this to court” arrangement. It’s bullshit. Spence’s bill should have been picked apart by Jefferson and fought tooth and nail, in court if necessary — billed hour by billed hour, charge by charge. If Spence really put in that much time and effort defending Joseph Lee, let’s see the evidence — or let a jury see it.

Let’s review, shall we? We have a former city attorney (Spence) getting massive legal fees on behalf of a former MLGW employee and current city employee, Joseph Lee. We have another former city attorney (Wade, a former partner of Spence’s, remember) representing the City Council. And we have the current city attorney deciding to “settle” with a former city attorney for the full amount of what appears to be an inflated legal fee, with the blessing of his former partner, another former city attorney.

Something seems very odd here. It’s all too cozy. If I’m interim mayor Myron Lowery, the first thing I do is very publicly fight this payment “on behalf of the taxpayers.” Then I fire all the lawyers and rebuild the city’s legal department, which has been consistently over budget for years. Lowery’s got 90 days to show he means business and make a name for himself. AC Wharton’s got a head-start and a bucket of cash. Myron’s only shot is to very publicly clean up City Hall and make himself the candidate of change. And, dare I say it — hope.

It now appears that Stuart Smalley (aka Al Franken) has won his long court battle with incumbent Norm Coleman and will be named the junior senator from Minnesota. Senate comedy gold to ensue!

Franken’s Smalley character was created as a spoof on those who are obsessed with self-help programs. Smalley was a member of several such groups, including Children of Rageaholic Parents and Overeaters Anonymous. My favorite part of the schtick was Smalley’s casual mentions of his lovers, who never appeared on-screen and who all had names that could be appropriate for either sex, such as Pat, Merle, Dale, etc.

Reportedly, Franken’s first assignment will be to the Senate Self-Esteem Committee.

The most nervous man in America at this moment? My money’s on South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who’s scheduled to give a press conference at 2:00 p.m. EST today. He’s facing the ultimate lose/lose situation. The latest story is that he zipped off to Argentina on a whim — without telling his wife, staff, or even the lieutenant governor, who would have ostensibly been in charge during his absence. Assuming he just went to take in the sights of Buenos Aires, eat some charrusco, and hang out on the beach in this sexy, alive, and European-built city, he still comes off as a nutjob. And that’s the best case scenario.

If, on the other hand, as some suspect, he was off on a romp with a paramour (for his sake, let’s hope it was a female) or catting around with the locals, he’d better not try to fib about it. It’s well-nigh impossible, unless you’re Steve Jobs, to go anywhere secretly these days and cover your tracks. The hotel where he stayed will be public knowledge in no time, if it isn’t already. If he used a government cell phone, those records are public information. Ditto with a state-issued credit card (though surely he wasn’t that stupid). He did, rather stupidly, use a state vehicle to drive to the Atlanta airport, where it was parked for the duration of his trip.

It’s possible that the “press conference” will consist of nothing more than a statement from Sanford and a walkaway with no follow-up questions. Bad idea. Another scenario is that he will make a full confession of some un-family-values-like behavior, with his loyal wife and family standing behind him, as he announces, say, an alcohol problem and an upcoming trip to rehab and asks for our prayers.

The worst case scenario would be if he continues to try and brazen it out with more lies. If that happens, he’s toast. These days, being a public figure means just that. He may need a good lawyer. Elliot Spitzer comes to mind.

UPDATE: It was an affair. Classic. And my headline was soooo appropriate: [Sanford] told reporters he spent “the last five days of my life crying in Argentina” and the affair is now over. Sanford, a rumored 2012 presidential candidate, refused to say whether he’ll leave office.

Walletpop.com has compiled a list (using FBI crime stats) of the “25 Most Dangerous Neighborhoods” in America. Two of them are in Memphis: The area around Bellevue and Lamar and the area around Warford St. and Mount Olive Rd. See the complete list, with helpful maps, here.

As with most of these proliferating national “best” and “worst” lists, readers need to be aware that they are created primarily to draw readers and web traffic. But still, it’s not a bad idea to know when (and where, at least, statistically) you’re increasing your odds of running into trouble.