Midtown — Business owners along Madison Avenue expressed concern as an inter-dimensional portal to The Ninth Level of Xibalba, an underworld of eternal damnation and chaos, erupted along the Madison Avenue bicycle lane today, spewing forth hell-demons and the resurrection of Lykraalith, god of destruction.
“I told ya’ll didn’t I?” quipped Dee Bunker, a bar owner on Madison and staunch opponent of the bicycle lanes. “I knew it was fishy how they pushed this on us and when they came to re-stripe the roads and started to bury crystal skulls in front of my bar, I knew they were up to no good.”
Ms. Bunker is one of many who tried to prevent the installation of the bike lanes but eventually caved due to the overwhelming support for a more bicycle and pedestrian friendly area. “I can say goodbye to my property value now. Who’s gonna come grab a drink when there’s a 900 pound Three-Headed Dog sleeping in front of my place?” exclaimed Ms. Bunker. She then attempted to shoo away the beast but was unfortunately engulfed and devoured by swarms of thousands upon thousands of Fire Spiders.
City of Memphis representative Red Taype released the following statement today at a press conference:
“We all knew there would be some bumps in the road getting bicycle lanes to become a popular addition to our thriving city. Whether it is enacting traffic laws, increasing awareness of greener transportation options, or bringing forth the end times through enchanted seances and summoning our true overlord of evil, Lykraalith, King of Vile and Death, cursed be the unbelievers’ souls, may He rule us mortal servants for eternity.”
City Councilman Phil Landers unveiled a bill today that would return Lykraalith and his minions back to their underworld home but it would require a taxation and licensing fee for all cyclists in Memphis and Shelby County for a thousand millenia. It is predicted that the bill does not have the support needed in the council to pass at this time.
However, not everyone sees the negative side to the impending demonic doom. Rex Carrs, an avid cyclist and long-time Memphian, likes the new look for Madison Avenue.
“I tell you what,” he says proudly. “Overton Square is really starting to look more and more like it did in its heyday.”
Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall
