Hoping to beat the holiday rush, I did a little fantasy shopping
this week. Not for me and mine, but for Memphis. It went something like
this:
Good to see you out here, sir. What may I help you with?
I’m looking for game-changers.
Yes, game-changers. I think I know what you mean. We have several
possibilities, but this could take a while. How much did you want to
spend?
Millions, maybe more.
That’s the spirit. You seem to be familiar with the vocabulary of
sports. Let’s start over there. Football or basketball?
Both.
Coaches or players?
Both. A college football coach who can win seven games a year, put
35,000 people a game in Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium, and take the
heat off R.C. Johnson and some of the load off Josh Pastner. And a pro
basketball team that wins consistently and fills FedExForum like the
Tigers and Josh Pastner do and gets people excited like Allen Iverson
did.
Sorry, I’m a shopping consultant, not a miracle worker. You ever
hear of one-to-a-customer? Or listen to Tommy West’s rant? Or see those
Iverson jerseys that were shipped this week to Tanzania? What else is
on your list?
A game-changer for Shelby County.
That would be the new mayor, Joe Ford. You’ve heard about the
Ford turnaround. This one comes with a lot of mileage and an unusual
warranty. Instead of running for a long time, it promises to stop
running for good after one year.
What accessories do you recommend?
Might I suggest relevance?
How about something for the new city mayor A C Wharton? He’s so
popular that he even got an invitation to the White House West Wing
when he visited Washington last week. What do you get the man who has
everything?
A Ford for a foil isn’t enough? How about some help in the
kitchen? Just make sure to remind him that he’s the head cook.
Anything else?
How about a warmed-over consolidation recipe? We’re running a
special this year. Our research says it’s very popular.
Your research wasn’t listening when the County Commission chose a
new mayor this month and half the members put their names in nomination
for a job that will last eight months. What do you have that will
provide lots of jobs?
Well, actually that would be two governments. More local
government, not less, is the greatest jobs stimulus we have going. It
makes it hard to sell our consolidation game-changer though.
I can see that. What do you have that’s educational?
We can set you up with $90 million from the Bill and Melinda
Gates Foundation.
Sounds good. What’s the catch?
Your schools have to be really bad, and you can’t just use it to
balance your checkbook. Michelle Rhee, the chancellor of the District
of Columbia Public Schools, says her district spends more money per
child than anyone, and their results are at the bottom. So we’re
packaging this with accountability and political courage.
I’ll take it. What’s behind that wall over there?
You can’t go in there. That’s where we keep grand juries. Sort of
like Bad Santa’s elves, 23 of them and a federal prosecutor, busy all
year making nasty indictments for people who’ve been naughty.
Anyone in particular?
Let’s just say you don’t want a target letter in with your
Christmas cards. If the target is an ex-mayor, then you’ve got your
game-changer. A few years ago they gave one to Rickey Peete and Ed
Ford. Did it in December, too. Call them sentimental.
But couldn’t the elves say “no” to the prosecutor?
That’s very rare. The prosecutor only needs 12 votes, and the
elves have been working for more than a year. A target letter usually
means you’ll get a “gift.”
I’m not sure that’s the kind of game-changer Memphis needs.
We know. And it’s not returnable either. People who get one have
been known to make quite a scene. That’s why we say, “Be careful what
you wish for.”
