This week’s issue of the Flyer hits newsstands just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. We hope you have an embarrassment of blessings, with many reasons to reflect on gratitude. We also hope you’ll get to eat something delicious.
If you’re visiting with extended family, hopefully you’ve gotten your Covid shot, and for bonus points, you’ve been boosted and taken the flu shot jab as well. Now is not the time to get sick, or to infect others. Safety first, right? But another specter looms for gathering families — that of the absolute meltdown because someone mentions basic human rights. Don’t get baited into what seems like a reasonable discussion but is actually a clever ruse designed to identify you as a member of the anarchist, communist, satanist Deep State oppressors.
If your uncle says something like, “Things would be different now if January 6th had gone another way,” please resist the urge to retort with, “Yes, and thank all that’s holy that we barely escaped that autocratic, dystopian nightmare.”
It’s probably wise to avoid mentioning the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law. You would think, that unless your grandma loves crumbling roads, cracked bridges, unstable utility systems, and Earthlink-era internet speeds, that would be a safe topic, but remember it’s not the facts of what the bill represents that people can’t abide, it’s the simple fact that it exists. Instead, maybe compliment grandma’s green bean casserole. That’s probably safe, right?
Do not, under any circumstances, ask your relatives if they have seen Dune.
Do not, under any circumstances, ask your relatives if Ghostbusters: Afterlife measured up to the original or the 2016 reboot. It’s probably safe to mention Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Unless you’re trying to get yourself disowned, I would steer clear of the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse. While some people are of the opinion that it’s a bad thing for a minor to cross state lines with an AR-15, ostensibly to defend properties not in his home state and which he has not been asked to defend, remember that feeling isn’t universal. Those same liberal yahoos might opine that killing two people and wounding a third when you should have been at home watching TikTok videos or studying for a precalculus exam is also not a thing to be celebrated. Some people even believe that judges should refrain from expressing clear biases during a trial, but again, that feeling is far from universal. Whatever you do, don’t say things like, “At best, the judicial system is a tool designed to maintain the status quo; at worst — and certainly in this instance — it is a tool of white supremacy and the patriarchy.” Or do. Drop wisdom like a bomb and head for the door. I’m not your boss.
Remember that while most Americans would agree that giving a wink and a nod to extrajudicial child soldiers as they go about the business of assassinating people the court can’t legally kill is a terrifying precedent and, oh god, how will we ever come back from this? I’m sorry. Let’s just move on, shall we? Besides, it’s not the first time the general populace took matters into their own hands. (See also: Reconstruction, the Jim Crow era, and the KKK. The Lynching Sites Project is an excellent tool for those who want to learn about the myriad ways civilians enforced racial inequality through violence.)
Don’t say that property damage is a historically valid form of protest and then when you’re met with shocked gasps ask, “What would you call the Boston Tea Party then?”
It’s best to stay away from responsible gun use, vigilantism, and racism, at least if you don’t want the table flipped before you get a slice of chess pie, so I would refrain from mentioning the trial of Greg and Travis McMichael and William Bryan for the murder of Ahmaud Arbery. It seems pretty clear-cut to me, but remember that some white people harbor fantasies of being gun-toting mercenaries deputized to kill anyone they don’t like. Apparently we’re meant to treat those vigilante fetish fantasies as valid, as if someone’s comfort is more valuable than another human’s life.
We’ve gone far past the point where we can accurately describe what’s going on as “polarization.” A subset of the population has become radicalized. As to what we’ll do about it, I don’t know. But if it helps you survive the holidays without throwing a turkey at your cousin, do whatever it takes. Maybe write a long rant disguised as a list of helpful hints and publish it in your local alt-weekly.
