Psssssst! Have you heard the news? Prince Harry’s in Memphis this weekend. And since British people aren’t like us and British Royal people aren’t like anybody, Fly on the Wall has assembled a handy guide for navigating any and all potentially embarrassing confrontations with traveling, quite possibly nude monarchists.
1. Never forget: British royalty is empowered to behead people in any nation which they visit. So don’t sass them!
2. If a member of the royal family addresses you, all responses should be predicated with “Hello, what?”
3. It is now considered bad form to refer to any member of the royal family as “Jughead”.
4. Do not attempt to feed the royals. Their palates are adjusted to British cuisine, and artisanal pork rinds and heavily seasoned barbecue may disorient them.
5. Anytime a member of the royal family passes, it is traditional that anyone with a saxophone play “Yakkity Sax” until they are out of sight.
6. Remind members of the royal family that Memphis has its own King. And then say “Thank you very much” while impersonating Elvis. They will be amused with this every single time. (Note: Myron Lowery has been designated as the city’s person to officially make this joke the first time. Please respect this).
7. Try to avoid taking naked pictures of any member of the royal family. It upsets them.
8. If you give a member of the royal family a shiny penny, they are obligated to confer knighthood on you at that very moment. This also works with gifts of enchanted swords and strange beasts.
9. Do not invite members of the royal family to your Fourth of July picnic. It’s too soon.
10. Members of the royal family enjoy nothing more than listening to you recite lines from Monty Python sketches and films. Follow them around bellowing these at every opportunity. Also, Downton Abbey. Strangely enough, however, they have no insight into “Game of Thrones.” So don’t ask them to explain it to you.
11. In case it comes up, remember that “pudding” is not the same thing in England as it is here. Here it is a dessert. In England it is an antibacterial ointment.
