Sometimes I’m so devotedly lazy that I’ll undertake piles of extra work to avoid any effort. Like with this column. I pondered deep thoughts, jotted down random deathless prose that was apropos of zilch, and muttered at the blinking cursor. Nothing was stirring in the brain cells (which I have heard before from those who know me).
There were plenty of options to write about: Alfredo sauce in the streets, MIM vs. MRPP, politics, TVA or MISO — you get the idea. But instead of developing an idea, I enabled my slothfulness by churning through Facebook. And there I found it: Artificial Intelligence. An ad said, “This tool writes content for you.” I chortled at the pun and then took a closer look. It was for an AI service named Jasper that vowed to take my distracted thoughts and then craft sparkling copy in seconds. All I had to do was give it a topic, set a tone, and click.
But, you ask, shouldn’t I worry about being obviated by Skynet? Or assimilated by the Borg? I think not, as you shall read.
My first instruction to the brainiac was to come up with the best of Memphis. In no time, it delivered breezy thoughts on, predictably, barbecue (but declined to choose a favorite) and then said, “And don’t even get me started on the Memphis-style pizza. It’s seriously to die for.” Oh, Jasper, that’s not a thing. Someone needs to take that robot to The Four Way for some greens. (And for dessert, it mentions “the city’s famous strawberry shortcake. It’s so good that it should be illegal.” I’ll ponder this as I dive into my unfamous pecan pie.)
And then the AI, which claims to have devoured a tenth of the internet so far, passed judgement on what it decided was the worst thing in Memphis. Was it poverty? Racism? Corrupt pols? School leadership? None of these. It’s the horror of traffic. “It can be a total nightmare. I’ve even missed flights because of it before.” (Yes, Jasper Roboto speaks in the first person.) Fighting my own well-learned laziness, I went to the trouble to find a traffic-rating chart that revealed that out of 65 cities in North America, Memphis was a low-stress No. 56. Now Nashville, at 13, is nuts, especially at rush hour. But anyone who thinks the Bluff City is traffic hell has never traveled much.
To be fair to the automatonic genius, I then had it try to write something about local civics. It said, unhelpfully, that “Memphis politics can be confusing and convoluted.” It mentions various mayors and also offers high praise for two other local political players: City Council President David Hayes and City Council Vice President Byron Potts. Anybody know these two? Anybody? I looked them up and found nothing, Jasper. Nada.
Well, it did say that local politics can be confusing, so I thought to let it try something nice and easy: Memphis media. Naturally, I wanted to let it praise the Memphis Flyer, and, indeed, it did say that we are “always packed with interesting stories and perspectives that you won’t find anywhere else.” Bravo, Jasper!
Our AI-for-hire, however, seemed to have strong views in opposite directions about WREG News Channel 3: “It’s pretty much garbage. The news anchors are often obnoxious and unprofessional, the stories are often slanted or totally inaccurate, and they love to stoke fear among their viewers. Basically, if you’re looking for quality journalism, you won’t find it here.” Whew! But then our brilliant bot also said in a related media critique: “It’s known for its comprehensive coverage of local news and events. If you want to stay up-to-date on what’s going on in the city, make sure to tune in to WREG.”
I’ll note here that Jasper, not terribly gifted with scintillating prose, likes to say “Trust me” a lot. Trust me, you’ll want to carry several grains of salt if you employ this AI.
Finally, I figured to give my digital crackerjack another shot by asking it to riff on Memphis AF. I got this: “There’s no doubt about it: Memphis is the most Memphis AF city in America.” The other blather for this entry was generic tourism-speak, so I broadened the search and got this: “Are you looking for a new, edgy way to show your pride for the city of Memphis? Look no further than Memphis As Fuck – the coolest apparel brand around.”
I went around Jasper and consulted Professor Google and indeed, there are T-shirts, hoodies, and other fashion basics with that timeless slogan emblazoned for your mama to enjoy. But I didn’t find the “coolest apparel brand around” as promised. Now I’m down with, as the brand claims, “celebrating our city in the most badass way possible.” But Jasper, who was supposed to write a column for me, doesn’t have the skills of a cub reporter. I had to double-check almost every one of its alleged facts without knowing the sources. And as lazy as I am, I was really hoping for an easier way out.
Trust me.
The Memphis Flyer is now seeking candidates for its editor position. Send your resume to hr@contemporary-media.com.
