A mysterious package came to me in the office mail last week. It was wrapped in brown paper, and there was no return address. Inside was a thick document apparently consisting of the detailed notes from a meeting between several lawyers representing O.J. Simpson.
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t publish such confidential information, but since the O.J. story is now the most important issue of our time, I feel obligated to pass along some of the highlights from the transcript:
“… So it’s agreed. We need a slogan.”
“Yep. How about, ‘It’s my memorabilia, so I cannot steal,’ yo?”
“That’s weak. Very weak. What about, ‘It’s my crap, so I must beat the rap’?”
“Nope. C’mon, fellas. We can do better than that. What would Johnnie Cochran come up with? WWJCD?”
“‘It was only a suit, and I did not shoot.'”
“Now, that’s better. Now we’re rolling. There are no bad ideas here. This is a brainstorming session.”
“‘It was just some threads, and nobody’s dead.'”
“Ehhh. Nah.”
“‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’?”
“Been done. Too obvious.”
“‘Since when is it a crime to be stupid ‘?”
“I don’t think that’s quite the image we’re looking for.”
“I know — ‘Room service! Room Service!'”
“Now that’s stupid.”
“Hey, you said there were no bad ideas.”
“Well, that one’s bad.”
“Could we get Ashton Kutcher to say it was a wacky, over-the-top episode of Punked ?”
“Please.”
“I’ve got it! I’ve got it. ‘It’s my shit, so you must acquit!’ ”
“Now that’s a winner. Gentlemen, I believe this meeting is over.”
Bruce VanWyngarden
