I know there are big problems in this world, major issues upon which I should be pontificating in this space. But when the universe gives you the funny, you have to take advantage of it. I’ll tackle global warning another time. It’s not every week you get a story about three cross-dressers attacking a McDonald’s.
Unless you’ve been living in a, er, closet, you no doubt saw the story on the local television news. Three men, dressed in full drag, became upset at the service they were (or were not) receiving as they waited in the drive-thru lane at a McDonald’s on Mendenhall and assaulted the place.
And truly, who among us can not relate? You place your order for a Number Three Value Meal and some garbled noise comes back at you from the microphone. What? Did they get your order? Did they just insult you? Were you inappropriately super-sized? You don’t know. You “drive around to the first window” and the surly woman inside is talking on her headset to somebody behind you in line as you give her money, hoping against hope you’re going to get what you ordered at the next window.
It’s enough to make anyone, er, cross. Obviously, these three had had enough and decided it was time to launch a Mac attack. They broke the service window, then went inside, kicked off their stilettos, removed their accessories, and proceeded to kick McAss. One of the assailants whacked an employee with the “Wet Floor” sign. “That’s ‘Piso Mojado’ to you, bitch,” she screamed. (I may have made up that last quote.)
In short order, the three grabbed their things, stuffed hundreds of ketchup packets in their purses, and drove off at high speed. On the newscast I saw, the anchor said — with a straight face — “Police are looking for three men dressed as women in a black car.”
As we all know by now, the Memphis police issued an all-points, er, dragnet and apprehended the three men two days later. They were charged with, among other things, committing a “crime of fashion” and male fraud.
Bruce VanWyngarden
