God (R-Heaven) is much on the minds of the presidential candidates these days, and particularly on the minds of His colleagues in the Republican party.
God, as has been made abundantly clear in recent years, is a Republican and speaks to his partymates regularly. President George Bush has said he hears from Him quite often. Mitt Romney says without religion, there is no freedom (and God doesn’t mind that he’s a Mormon). Mike Huckabee says his rise in the polls is “God’s will.” Rudy Giuliani says the Bible is “the best book ever written,” and John McCain says he sees the hand of God when he hikes the Grand Canyon, though he thinks evolution might still be possible if you think it is. (Ron Paul now has a blimp and apparently doesn’t feel the need to curry God’s favor.)
Using this logic, we must conclude God is in favor of waterboarding, rendition, declarations of unilateral war, lying to grand juries, accepting bribes, unbalanced budgets, Rush Limbaugh, unchecked pollution, allowing people to pray to Him in school, Fox News, and tax cuts.
God is obviously opposed to evolution, gun laws of any kind, illegal immigration, unions, abortion, gay marriage, taxes, the Hollywood entertainment industry (except for Fox Entertainment shows like Family Guy and K-Ville), doing anything about global warming, and income taxes.
Of course, God also speaks to people other than politicians, including many athletes. He makes it possible for lots of dramatic homeruns to be hit and touchdowns to be scored. (God does not like the Memphis Grizzlies, for some reason. My theory is that Hakim Warrick is a Democrat.) And, oddly enough, God speaks to Willie Herenton, also a Democrat. But many of his supporters are Republicans, so that may explain God’s willingness to chat with the mayor.
There’s no denying Republicans have the edge when it comes to the Almighty. He’s in their corner. He answers their prayers. He’s on their side. Not much we can do about it.
Oh, God tosses the rest of us a bone now and then. I appreciate, for example, that he’s allowing my summer flowers to bloom in December. They look really nice with my Christmas decorations. Thank God.
Bruce VanWyngarden
